BISHLOV NOTES:

I'm back, minna-san.  Sorry for the long wait.  The reason for my not updating sooner is the same as to my reason for the delay of "Baby You're Mine".  Thank you for bearing with my slow pace.  And also thank you very much for reviewing.  I'm glad many of you liked what I did.  A little warning though…this chapter is a bit rushed.  Sorry but I'm suffering from writer's block and creative drainage.  Please tell me what you think by sending in your reviews.  They will be greatly appreciated, I assure you.

DISCLAIMER:  I do not own FoR or any of its characters.  I also do not own the songs that I'm going to use for they belong to Dido.  This plot is a product of my imagination.  Any similarities to other fan fictions are unintentional.

NO ANGEL

By bishounen lovah

Part 3:  Fuuko

I wanted to fidget in my seat and twiddle my thumbs.  Raiha's intense looks always made me feel this way.  After all of these years his eyes still have the same effect on me.  I had developed some counter measures though.  To him, I would look calm and composed.

A snort almost escaped me because that was far from the truth.

The truth was I'm a nervous wreck.  It has been three years since I ran away from our problems, leaving maters undecided.  Three years I avoided him and three years he followed me.

Today is the beginning of another year but I'm determined to make this year and the years after this different.  Today I'm going to face my ghosts and put them to rest.  I'm going to break my silence…

Any minute now…

We thanked the waitress who brought our coffee.  I took a sip only to find out that it was still scalding hot.  An involuntary cry escaped my lips and sudden tears watered my eyes.

A white handkerchief was shoved to my face.  I stared at it for a full minute before taking it and muttering my thanks.  Memories flooded my brain.  It was always like this.  Me making clumsy mistakes and him tending to my booboos with silent concern.

It was what made me fall in love with him.  Most people thought that Fuuko Kirisawa was tough as tough can get.  But I am also human.  I can be vulnerable to pain too, may it be physical or emotional.  I may act like I'm a strong woman but the truth is I'm not.  I cannot always pretend to be strong nor do I want to.

And Raiha was the one who first saw through my tomboy act.  He wooed me with his silent charm and pampering.  He knew when to be mushy and when to back away.

Everything was blissful.  I loved him.  He loved me.  And then he loved me too much.

He became possessive.  A trait I could never acknowledge as positive.  I am my own person.  Nobody owns me.  I am not a thing that can be kept at hand at all times.  Heck, even dogs on leash had more freedom.

And then there was Aki.  Never before had I felt so betrayed.  Finding them in our bed together, obviously sated, felt like my heart was ripped out.  And in all of these years I nursed my wound slowly and painfully, irked that Yanagi-chan's powers and words cannot heal me.

But now I am completely healed.  I had been for a long time but stubbornly refused to let go.  Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.  Now I won't wallow up in pain and let the suffering go.

It's time to let the past be the past.

"Raiha."

"Fuuko."

We chose to speak at the same time.  Laughing at our blunder, the tense atmosphere around us started to lighten up.  I chose to let him go first, curious as to what he wanted to say.

"Have you forgiven me, Fuuko?"

Raiha was never the one who talked in circles.  He was always straightforward.  I looked at his handsome face, the wind blowing strands of his dark hair across his nervous eyes.  He had suffered as I had.  Only the truth can set us free even if most of the time the truth can hurt.

"Yes, I forgave you a long time ago."

"I'm so glad."  He began reaching for my hands across the table but I moved them away.  I saw the nervousness come back to his eyes replacing his relief and was now accompanied by confusion.

"But we can't be together."  My hands balled into fists as I readied for the battle.  This was hurting me as much as it was hurting him.

"You said you forgave me.  Are you still worried about…I've changed, Fuuko!"

"No you haven't because if you did you would have stopped following me around.  Obsession isn't love, Raiha.  You're obsessed with me and I don't like that one bit."

I watched as different emotions warred on his face.  Giving out a sad sigh, I reached for his hands and clasped at them.  "I've been thinking about this for quite a while now.  What we had was very special but it wasn't meant to be.  You loved me for all the wrong reasons and you showed that love in all the wrong ways."

"I won't let you go," he gripped my hands tightly then loosened when he realized what he just said.

"I was never yours to let go, Raiha.  You do not own me.  Do you understand what I'm saying?"  I said in a whispered plea.

He released my hands as he begun to understand although it doesn't necessarily mean that he was beginning to like what was happening.

"The thing is if you weren't too possessive and too obsessed, you would have seen through Aki's ruse.  You wanted her to be me.  That isn't love.  That's' how I came to realize that what we had was not true love."

The next few minutes passed by in silence as I let him digest everything.  I looked around the coffee house and saw that we were the only customers but knew that the place will be packed any moment now.  The waiters busied themselves in preparation for lunch hour, happily humming to the song on the radio.

"All right, folks, the hour is almost up and so is our shift.  Time surely flies when you're having fun and today we just had a blast," said the male deejay.  "The station would like to apologize to the listeners.  The poll that we just took was inconclusive because for some reason the list of results disappeared.  How do you suppose that happened, partner?"

"I have absolutely no idea," a female voice was heard over what suspiciously sounded like a shredder machine.  "But who cares about that stupid poll.  It's time to give you the last song for this week's CD Pick of the Week and we saved the best for last.  This song is included in Dido's 'No Angel' and this is what made her famous."

"Yup," answered the guy.  "We're talking about 'the' song.  It's the one where Eminem took an excerpt and incorporated it with his 'Stan'.  My name is Bish and I bid you toodleloo and see you."

"And this is Tou-chan saying sayonara for today and enjoy this last song we're gonna blast at you.  Here's Dido with 'Thank You'.

My tea's gone cold; I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all.

The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all.

And even if I could it'd all be gray, but your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it's not so bad; it's not so bad.

I glanced back at Raiha and instantly felt guilty.  He looked downright miserable.  But there's nothing else I could do.  My mind was made up.  I no longer love him, perhaps as a friend yes, but not romantic love.  We do not belong with each other, that I am sure.

For three years I felt that way…miserable.  Pain kept me from living my life to the fullest in those years.  All I ever wanted to do was sulk and blame the whole world (particularly Aki) because of what had happened to us.  But I never sucked that long.

It was because he wouldn't let me.

Tokiya kept me from wallowing in self-pity just as I kept him from his.  We complimented each other.  Together we got through the worst years of our lives and came out as good friends.

"You're in love with him."

Raiha's quiet statement jerked me out of my thoughts.  He was looking at me knowingly although his eyes were still tinged with jealousy and grief.

"Nani?!  What are you talking about?  Whom am I love with?"

"Mikagami.  You fell in love with him.  I was hoping it was just my imagination but now it's all very clear to me."

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain.

I missed the bus and there'll be hell today, I'm late for work again.

And even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day

And then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

I looked down at my folded hands, not knowing how to respond.  He was right.  I do love Tokiya.  I had been for a long time but did not realize it until last night.

Last night when I delved in the past again, thinking that drinking would make the past go away.  He stayed with me the whole night, listening to all of my ramblings.  But he never spoke a word…he just listened.

And for some reason, I felt a lot better than I had in three years.  It was like pouring out all of my negative emotions and ended up with a lot of room for positive ones.

Including love.

That was when I realized that the Ensui wielder was really the man that I needed.  Strong yet quiet.  Someone who gave me enough space to be myself yet was close enough to catch me when I fall.

He thought I was hopelessly drunk but I knew what I was doing.  I knew that I threw myself at him and I knew that he hesitated.  But I wanted him.  I wanted him to love me back.

And it was the best night ever.  He was very passionate yet extremely gentle.  Always giving me room to back out.

He's the perfect man for me.

"Yes," I finally admitted to myself and to Raiha.  "I love him but I'm not sure if he loves me back."

"He does.  He's been loving you for a long time now," he sadly replied.

I looked at him dubiously, thinking that he was just baiting me.  But then I realized that he was not the kind of person to do such.  He would never lie to me besides the fact that he won't gain anything if he did.

He told the truth even if the truth pained him.

I placed my hands back over his and looked deeply into his eyes.  "Daijoubu?"

"I will be…in time," he smiled sadly, giving her hands an affectionate squeeze.  "Be happy."

I stood up and laid some bills on the table.  I picked up my groceries and went to the other side of the table.  I bent over and gave Raiha a kiss on the cheek.  "I hope someday you'll see me as your friend again.  And until that day a piece of my heart will always be sad."

With one last smile I walked away from my past and strode towards the future.

(AN:  Sorry RaiFuu fans!!!  I wanted him for myself.  Ohohohoho!)

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life.

Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life.

As I walked back to Tokiya's apartment, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.  Not the 'setting Raiha free' part but the 'admitting my love to Tokiya' part.  What if Raiha was mistaken and Tokiya did not really love me.

What if last night was just sex for him and not lovemaking?

I blushed as I recalled some events that happened during the wee hours of the night.  Recalled how he loved to use his teeth.  But I didn't mind.  In fact, I quite liked it.

Is it possible for a man to make love to a woman with such passion and not feel anything for her?

I decided that it doesn't matter.  Not that much anyway.  I'll tell him how I really feel and I wouldn't mind if he doesn't love me back.  It's not my place to be demanding.  I'll be content to being his friend.

I owe that much from him.  He kept me from going insane.  He opened up to me, showing me his beautiful heart and smiles.

I will always love him no matter what.

Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and through.

Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you.

And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue

Because you're near me.

I reached his doorstep in no time.  Taking a couple of deep breaths I inserted his keys which I took earlier and gently opened the door.  He was nowhere in sight.  For that I was slightly thankful for I wasn't quite ready to face him yet.

I closed the door and noticed sounds of movements coming from the bedroom followed by a blast of hair blower.  As I walked past his door, I couldn't help but smile at his obsession with his hair.  Not that I'm complaining.  I love his hair.  I love the feel of his silky tresses sliding across my skin.

Ah, here I go again.  Being celibate for three years had shifted my libido to overdrive.  But I knew that lovemaking with Tokiya was different with what I had shared with Raiha.  I can't explain it but somehow uniting with Tokiya did not only unite our bodies but also our hearts and souls.

Kami-sama!  I love him so much.  I feel as though nothing could go wrong whenever I'm with him.

I placed the bag on the kitchen counter and started to unload the contents.  When I woke up this morning all I could think about was how right it felt being in his arms.  I stared at his sleeping figure for a long time then decided to make some breakfast.  Looking in his kitchen, I couldn't find anything edible so I decided to buy some food.

And the rest was history.  At least the part about Raiha and me is.

"Kuso," I heard him shout over the dryer.  It wasn't long before it was turned off.  "Damn hair!"

A surprised giggle escaped my lips.  I never thought the day would come when Tokiya Mikagami would ever curse his pride and joy.

Perhaps it was the ninja in him that made him hear such a small sound in the rather large apartment.  Because a second later he appeared at the kitchen doorway.

A lump suddenly appeared in my throat making it hard to breathe.  Tokiya's hair was unbound and was flowing down his back with shorter strands grazing at his naked chest.  He was wearing loose, black pants but aside from that there was nothing else.

I couldn't stop staring at him and his beautiful muscular body.  One because I'm enthralled by it and two because I was afraid to look in his eyes.  I was afraid to what I might see in them.

"Fuuko."

He had said my name many times but how he said it just then made my heart leap.  Mustering up all the courage that I have, I looked up to his face.

Sudden tears stung my eyes.  His face showed the emotions that I longed to see from him.  And his eyes mirrored the love that showed in my own eyes.

He loves me.  He really does.

"Tadaima," I managed to whisper after a while.

"Okaeri," he replied as he held out his arms for me.

With no second thoughts, I flew right into his arms and buried my face against his chest.

"Aishiteru," he whispered in my ear.

Yes.  This year would definitely be different.

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life.

Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life.

~OWARI~

VOCABULARY:

Tadaima – I'm home

Okaeri – Welcome home

Aishiteru – I love you

BISHLOV:  @_@.  Finally I'm done!!! Woohoo!!!  Three out of seven fics ^_^0.  I managed to edit this since some lovely reviewers pointed out that I kept on going back and forth on the POVs (which was true).  Thanks guys!!!  Hehehe.  Serves me right because I was writing another fic when I was making this one.  Guess I got confused.

Thank you to all of you who supported this songfic.  This was my first ever songfic and would probably be the last.  Without you and your reviews I couldn't have finished this at all.  But hey…I hope that you will still send in your reviews even if this is through.

ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU AND I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!