Hello! So great to be back with a new series! So This is an AU, it's non magical, don't hate me. I've never quite enjoyed AU's but it's actually quite fun making them the same people, but with some type of weird twist. Now some stuff, like the references to Remus being a wolf, will be explained later. Please tell me if you enjoy this, and chapter 2 will be up soon after. Thank you all! :D

My New C.F.F.

"I hate these people, you know?"

"What people?" Sirius sat next to his best friend.

"Whiny bitches." He laughed.

"You are not a whiny bitch, you're a human, I know you don't believe that…"

"Shut up arse hole." Remus laughed.

"How did it happen?"

"He just told her he was fucking me and…bam that's it. Said she wanted him to commit to her." Sirius laughed. "What's this? You laughing Pads? S'not funny."

"They're getting married Moony! Wouldn't you?"

"I'd never ask anyone to commit to me."

"Well, don't you wish you did now?"

"Hell no! Why, so I could get bored in two days and then have to break it off with him?" Sirius gave a blank stare.

"Oh come off it, Pads, I seem to remember ya having your fair share of C.F.F.'s."

"C.F.F.'s?"

"Care free fucks. Christ Pad! Where have you been for the past two years?" Where had he been? He couldn't even remember the last time he had a good shag, and that was unacceptable for Sirius Black. It was all Harry's fault. Damn that adorable chubby face. Ever since the first day Sirius saw his little body, he had made a silent agreement with himself to be a better man. Now Remus, his little bookly mate was some type of sex god, and now he was the one laying low waiting for love.

He had to stop he had to get laid. Remus. Remus, was a very attractive bloke, he had soft lips, a thin waist, a very sexy scared chest, and beautiful gold eyes-Remus.

"Remus."

"Yes"

"Remus." He rolled the r this time.

"What?"

"So are you like…looking?"

"For what?"

"A new C.F.F.?"

"Umm, well yeah, I guess. I need something Pads, I'm a twenty five year old man-wolf.

"Me too." There was a silence lasting at least a minute till Remus' eyebrow rose along with the corners of his mouth.

"Mr. Black?"

"Mr. Lupin?"

"Mr. Black, are you suggesting…?"

"Yes, I am." Sirius mumbled obviously nervous. A longer silence followed, Remus' lips stayed straight, with pensive eyes, and brow still arched in disbelief.

"This is a joke, you burk." Sirius stayed silent. "You're straight."

"I've gotten it on with a few blokes in my day." He wanted to slap himself for sounding so childish, as if he were begging.

"You're not joking, are you?" Sirius shook his head. "Why? I mean why would the great Sirius Black want to have me as a bugger buddy." Sirius laughed.

"I love all these hip terms you're throwing at me. This is the thing, although I'm ashamed to admit this, I haven't had a good fuck in quite as long time, I'm actually too involved with Harry. Not to mention. You're not the ugliest specimen I ever did see." He gave a light hearted chuckle.

"This is weird. Let me think."

"Sure. You have all day. I have to get to the shop though." He stood and grabbed his leather jacket from the back to the sofa.

"Yeah, I'll stop in later, after work. Save me some lemon squares."

"Always for you Mr. Lupin Remus was already in the shower by the end of his sentence.

"You would not believe the things I heard from Remus today." Sirius said in a goofy low voice, an inch from Sirius' face.

"What were you talking about?" James bumped Sirius' hip with his own in order to get to his son.

"Sex. He wasn't even blushing! I used to say sex just to watch him blush

"Moony, blush at sex? The guys a bloody wolf."

"Litteraly…When did he stop blushing?" Sirius was very upset about this.

"Long ago."

"When's long ago?" Sirius held a warm pastry to James' lips. "Try this."

"I dunno, near the end of senior year? That's delicious Pads!"

"I've missed this somehow." Sirius sat at the table his best friend and god son shared.

"You were too busy doing everything you wouldn't. Why are we talking about Remus' sex life again?" James question, running to cash out customers.

"You see, we had a strange converation, in which I made an…offer to him." He followed.

"Oh no."

"What? Is this thing being wonky again?" He gave the computer a light hit."

"No, It you! Was this offer sexual?" Paying no attention to the customers.

"Sometimes I regret partnering with you."

"Avoiding"

"Yes it was about sex."

"Sirius, This is Remus, our best mate. You'll fu-mess everything up."

"Are you sure? I've always had a thing for Moony, you know."

"Yes, better to leave unacted upon."

"Really?" He pouted.

"Get back to the kitchen."

"Sorry I'm late. I had to drop Harry off at the shop." Lily told Remus as she through herself onto the café chair opposite him.

"S'fine. Should've told me, we could've gone there for lunch."

"No! We both need time away from our husbands." She joked. "Kidding." After a semi long silence.

"Sirius showed an interest in me today."

"He always does."

"A real one Lils. He told me he wanted to be my C.F.F." Lily choked on the coffee Remus had already ordered for her.

"Wow." She wiped her face with a napkin. "What did you say? Why did he ask?"

"Well, I had just told him about Ean, and things got weird. He asked if I was looking for someone new, and he said he loved to be them." He shrugged.

"What are you think?"

"What can I get you?" The waiter swooped in, interrupting Remus' response.

"Chicken salad on Rhy." She said.

"Burger as rare as you can."

"My, what large teeth you have." Lily laughed.

"Should I sink them into Sirius, or no?"

"Okay! Be right back with that." The waiter half ran to the next table.

"I think the decision is yours, wolf boy."

"Why do I even ask you?" He rolled his eyes.

"Listen, you're smart enough make the decision. I'm just worried about one thing."

"What is that?"

"Your heart." Remus looked down with sadness in his gold eyes, as he momentarily relived the day his heart had been shattered, then resided to laughing semi hysterically.

"I have no heart."

"Oi! Anyone running this dump?" Remus hit the bell over and over till James came out of the kitchen holding Harry.

"Yeah, you arse! But we're leaving. Go on back, Sirius is the making weird concoctions.

"Aright, but you're not leaving without a WOLF ATTACK!" Remus howled, grabbing Harry from James, and play biting him allover, whist he laughed hysterically. "See you." He started walking off, Harry still in his arms laughing.

"Excuse me! My son, please?" Remus frowned, giving Harry to James with one last kiss.

"Padfoot!" Remus yelled walking into the kitchen.

"Yes Moony?" Sirius said in a hast, throwing baking soda all over the stove.

"Did you just have a fire?" He laughed at Sirius's wide eyes and the broken smoke detector laying beside him.

"Do not tell James"

"Sure."

"What brings you here?" Sirius wriggled his eyes brows seductively.

"Lemon squares."

"Bastard." He gave Remus his lemon squares.

"Thank you."

"Always welcome."

"To the shop."

"And my flat."

"And my bed."

"What?" Sirius laughed, grey eyes widening.

"I accept." A long pause.

"Well, alright then." Another pause. "So how's it work?"

"Call me when you want me, I'll be there, I call you, you come."

"Sex."

"You said you've had a bloke before."

"A bloke, not a Remus."

"It'd no different, Pads." He looked down.

"It is! You're Remus Lupin!"

"No!" Remus interrupted him. "When we fuck, I'm just the guy you fuck. You can't fall for me. Promise?"

"Well I was assaying it was different because I hear you're quite the shag, but yeah sure, I won't." Remus flushed, making Sirius immensely happy.

"So deal?"

"Sal with a kiss

"I don't kiss." Remus stepped back, biting into a lemon square.

"What?" He was appalled. "Moony! I need kisses."

"You can kiss, Just not me.

"I might kiss you during, warning you now."

"No lips to lips." Reus swallowed.

"Tongue to tongue?" Remus laughed.

"If you can manage that, Pads." Sirius stuck out his tongue, making the other laugh. After a few seconds Remus complied and touched his tongue to Sirius'.

It was gross and unromantic, but it was the best 'kiss' either had ever had.