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It was who he was that allowed him to take missions. That he knew. Every time he was in the village the Hokage would try to force he to not take a mission and again he would remind her of who he was. And yet she refused to hand over any missions on this day. So his lone eye stared at her. "Just one day in the village is not going to kill you Hatake." He nodded and walked out. Why was he so afraid of staying in the village anyways? He was the great Hatake Kakashi, the man of a thousand jutsu's. He pulled out his book, and tried to act as if his nerves weren't on their ends. The village was preparing for the spring festival that night so no one paid him any attention. He was glad for that. His feet took him to the park. He jumped on a tree branch and watched his fellow shinobi decorate the area for the festival. He knew why he didn't want to be in the village. Somewhere in his broken mind he feared of causing more damage to a young brunette.

Sanity wasn't something he bothered to question now days. No, he didn't bother questioning anything. Life was simpler that way. He would get a mission complete it report it and do that cycle all over again. It was perhaps all he could do. For even when he looked calm and collected inside his insanity was killing him. Memories of all his precious people that died on him plagued his mind constantly. But Neji was what kept him from taking his own life. For even death would not be enough of a punishment. It was also that same man that had him in a constant battle between sanity and insanity. If he were sane he would have apologized to the man, however he wasn't all that sane.

How he longed for the man. His insanity did nothing to stop the feelings he had for the young brunette. If anything his feelings fueled his insanity. For he could now admit that he was indeed in love with the man. And knowing he hurt the same person his heart longed to be with killed him just the same. He didn't deserve such a gentle man. Not after all that he did and said. Even knowing that the man wanted him just as much as he wanted the man was not enough to confront the young man. It was too much for him to deal with. The guilt, the pain, and the heart ache. All of it was what kept him insane.

He saw the man sit in the tree. And he wanted so much to run to the man and ease the pain he just knew the man had inside. However he knew if he noticed the man than so did everyone else and they would not allow him near the man. "Neji! Come on we need to finish here and get dressed." He nodded at his team mate. As they finished and left. He turned to see the man look after him. How he wanted to be with the man. But his words still stung his heart. The man made it clear that nothing would ever happen between them, and yet Neji wanted so much for there to be something. Still he turned and continued walking away from the man.

He eyed the kimono. His cousin knew he didn't want to wear it, but as a Hyuga clan member it was required. The silk ribbon was what really got to him though. He sighed, as he put on the kimono. His cousin helped him and tied the ribbon around his forehead. Making a bow on his right side. She held the loose ends and smiled to him. "You will take his breath away." Neji tilted his head. "The others will not be pleased to know what you are planning." She nodded. And laughed. "Yes, well I am tired of watching you suffer." He shook his head. The strands fell against his hair. And the bow gave him an innocent look. "He does not want me Hinata." She sighed as they headed out. The sky was a soft orange pink tint where the sun was setting. "Just talk to him." he nodded.

He eyed the festival. Wondering if it was ok to join. Then decided against it, no one would dare to get near him anyways. His students hated him now. Though he couldn't care less. There was a point in time were he would have died to protect them. Maybe he still would. He wasn't so sure what he would do nowadays. But remembering the past, always reminded him that his students never questioned him about anything in his life. Expect trying to look at his face they never bothered with knowing his birthday, they never asked him where he lived. They never bothered with knowing him. For them he was just there to teach them, to lead them and to help them with their lives. But when he was in need of help who did he have to turn to? The entire village saw him as a tool. Gave him the shoulder when he was breaking. Now that he was too far gone no one bothered to pull him out. No one but Neji of course. Kakashi jumped of the tree walking with no real destination in mind. His feet lead him to the memorial stone. The names of those he could not save were on that stone. "Obito? What would you do?" he knew what his friend would have done. He would have smacked Kakashi called him an idiot and dragged him to Neji.

He felt so alone standing there remembering the past. And the few people that bothered to pull him out of his depression of his self-hate and allowed him to piece together some bit of sanity. "Sensei? What advice would you give?" he chuckled to himself imagining his blond sensei stutter like an idiot blushing like there was no tomorrow and say "depression does not suit you Kakashi. Fuck your pain, to hell with what was done. Say you are sorry and make love to him already." Kakashi froze. Yes, that was without a doubt what his sensei would say. "My student would have told you that. I should know. I thought him everything I knew." Kakashi nodded to the old man behind him. "You know when he asked me for my books I could see that the kid was happy. Content, something I know would not normally be there. The kid has a gentle heart. And his internal suffering from that family keep him from showing how much he cares for those around him. With you however he seemed at ease in showing his care." Kakashi tilted his head as if trying to understand. "Everyone wants to feel needed. That kid is no different." Kakashi laughed. "Everyone who was able to pull me from my insanity, from my depression ended up on this stone. My sanity is not worth that." The older man smacked him. "Your sanity is not even worth the dirt beneath my feet. For once in your life stop thinking about yourself and your pitiful life. Open your eyes and look at the man you are destroying. At the child you are killing. For once get over yourself and show him that you know how to care. Show him that the great Hatake Kakashi is in fact human." Kakashi rubbed his head. "Why do you care?" the old man walked away saying over his shoulder. "I can't stand to see him in so much pain. That and when he's depressed he won't tell me where the ladies are bathing." Kakashi could hear the man's laughter fade the father he went.

Fine, he would go to the young man. It was only fair right? He knew he didn't deserve the young man, but what if Neji really was dying because of him? He didn't understand why the young man wanted to save him so much. Why did he fall in love with him of all people? Kakashi was sure the man knew nothing about him. So why did Neji love him? His heart pounded in his chest. Neji did love him right? He had to know, had to hear the man say it. Everything else didn't matter. He would give up his life if Neji didn't love him. Yes, that's what he would do. If Neji didn't love him there was no point in living. He stared blankly at the many names in the stone. There was nothing to live for anymore. Except Neji. Yes, for Neji he would do anything. He wanted to feel needed by the young man. He wanted Neji to know he was human. That wasn't such a bad thing right? He wasn't sure why Neji would need him, but he knew. Just knew that his heart would give out if Neji didn't want him.

He shook his head. Nothing made sense anymore. But the feelings were there. He knew he wanted Neji, he knew he loved the young brunette. And he could only hope the young man would accept him. If he did then Kakashi was curtain that everything would be ok. How he wasn't sure yet. But it would be right?