Bleach Summer Camp

Chapter 1: "We're Going and That's Final"

"My dear Espada and Arrancar, I have called this meeting to discuss something very important with you," Aizen said, looking around the table and the room in general.

"Great, another lecture," Grimmjow muttered.

"What was that, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez?" Aizen asked.

"I was only saying…"

"Kaname, if you would be so kind," Aizen said.

"Yes sir," Kaname said and began to withdraw his Zanpakuto.

"Uh…nothing my Lord," Grimmjow said, sweating.

"Kaname, please stand down."

"Yes sir."

"Now then, where was I before Grimmjow so rudely interrupted?"

"Ooh, you were saying that you had something important to discuss," Gin said, grinning.

"Thank you, Gin. I knew I could count on you."

"You're welcome, Aizen."

"Anyways, I've noticed that there's been a few…incidents involving fellow Arrancars. I ignored it at first because it was rather minor. It started out with taunts in the halls and on Facebook, but then it grew. Taunting gave rise to full out fights and the comments on Facebook turned into full out cyber wars."

"Complete with emptying the missile silos," Gin said, still grinning.

"Yes and the damage that those cyber wars caused forced us to have to replace 230 computers in a single day."

"Uh…I thought it was…" Aaroniero said.

"…Nnoitora's porn addiction…" Arruruerie said.

"…that did that."

"It probably was," Nel said.

"Shut up, Nelliel, before I crack your mask and throw you to the desert," Nnoitora said.

"Come on," Nel said. "We all know that you have a MASSIVE porn addiction. We can hear you throughout Las Noches."

"Shut up," Nnoitora growled.

"Pervert," Harribel said.

"You better watch it, bitch," Nnoitora said.

"No…I think you better watch it," Starrk growled to everyone's surprise.

"Oh yeah, is Li'l Doggy protective of his Li'l Chew Toy?" Nnoitora asked, mocking him.

"I just don't like how you threaten my friends, Nnoitora."

"Yeah, kick Spoony's ass!" Apacci called out.

"MASTER NNOITORA!" Tesla cried out, clearly distressed.

"ENOUGH!" Aizen shouted.

Everyone became quiet. Gin only snickered a little. Tosen just stood to the side like a statue.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," Aizen said. "At any rate, the reason why I've decided that the time has come to do something is because…OF WHAT YOU DID TO MY BEAUTIFUL CASTLE!"

Twenty Minutes Before

Yammy was walking down the halls of Las Noches, minding his own business. He was wondering what he should do and was looking for Ulquiorra to figure out what to do. Unfortunately, he failed to notice Aaroniero post a "GRAN REY CERO ME" sign to his back and dash away. If Yammy found Ulquiorra first, then most of what followed would have been avoided. Unfortunately, Grimmjow saw him first and happily obliged the sign on his back.

Now, all good Espada and Arrancar know that it is forbidden for any Espada ranked 4 or above to release their Resurrección inside Las Noches. Unfortunately, Yammy's too much of an idiot to remember such a vital rule and released his full power, which made him resemble a combination of a pissed-off Colossus of Rhodes and an even more pissed-off Minotaur. Now, Las Noches could handle the pressure from his first-stage release and then his second-stage release, but not his full-release. As a result, most of Las Noches was destroyed.

Two figures stood in the midst of this damage.

"You see…"

"…I told you he was ranked Zero…"

"…now pay up, Zommari."

Hueco Mundo

Starrk and Lilynette sat and watched the Exequias and many of the lesser ranked Arrancars clearing the destruction. Rudobon was barking out orders, which only made sense. He was not only Commander of the Exequias, but he was also head of the Las Noches Clean-Up and Restoration Committee. He thought about what Aizen said at the end of the meeting before he stormed off.

He had told them all that something would have to be done to get them in line. Then he just stormed out, without even finishing his tea. He hoped that Aizen wouldn't do anything too harsh on them.

"Hey Starrk," Lilynette said.

"Hmm," Starrk replied.

"What are we going to do now?"

"I have no idea," Starrk said.

He sat and watched as Nnoitora and Grimmjow were getting into another argument. He also saw Szayel arguing with Zommari. He had a good view of Ulquiorra's room and saw him standing in what was left of his Emo-Corner, banging his head against what little of the wall was left. Starrk never saw the little Emo get upset like that before. Meanwhile, Yammy was trying to break Aaroniero Arruruerie's tank open. He guessed that Yammy found out who taped the "GRAN REY CERO ME" sign to his back and miraculously remembered it and knew who it was. Baraggan, of course, was sitting on his throne and ordering his fraccion to attack the fiends responsible for destroying HIS palace. Of course, they took that to mean just about anyone.

"They're really going all out this time," Harribel said.

"No kidding," Starrk said. "The thing is…I don't even know what they're all fighting about. I mean, I can see that Ulquiorra is upset that his favorite spot was mostly destroyed."

"I think they want to kill whoever is mostly responsible for getting Aizen upset," Nel said. "They think that he might forgive them if they deliver the head of whoever started the whole thing. Well, the only problem is…they're all blaming each other for what happened."

"I thought that it was Zommari and AA who started this whole thing," Starrk said. "Didn't they make a bet on whether or not Yammy was really ranked Zero?"

"Well…yeah, but, they overlook that little detail," Nel said, shrugging.

"Why am I not surprised?" Starrk groaned.

Seireitei

Aizen was not the only one having problems with his subordinates.

He would have been much happier if he knew that Yamamoto was also having problems with his fellow Captains and their officers along with a certain orange-haired Substitute. He thought that when it turned out that Aizen betrayed them that it couldn't get any worse. Unfortunately, it did.

The argument that stood out in his mind was when Kenpachi, Byakuya, and Komamura got into a heated argument that started with Yachiru going too far and tugged on Komamura's ears. Normally, Komamura would take it in-stride, but not when Yachiru was practically yanking his ears off, the dog-man could not take it anymore.

One thing led to another, and then before long, two Bankais were unleashed in the Seireitei. Unfortunately, one crushed Squad 2's barracks. This caused Sui-Feng to become so furious that she unleashed her own bankai. And then Kurotsuchi got involved because Sui-Feng's rocket accidently hit his lab. The result was about half of the Squad barracks being destroyed and most of the Senzaikyu in ruins.

Yamamoto knew that in order to fight against Aizen and the Arrancar army, they would need some serious work. That was when his Lieutenant showed him the brochure. He called for an emergency meeting with the Captains and their Lieutenants, except for Ukitake who had to bring his two Third Seats. When they were assembled in the Meeting Hall, Yamamoto called the meeting to order.

"This Emergency Captain's Meeting is called to order. I wish to discuss something of great importance. I am referring to the argument that took place a couple of days ago. From what I understand, Squad 4 is taking a while with the clean-up."

"It would help, if certain squads helped out," Unohana said and then gave her other smile to the Captains of Squads 2, 6, 7, 11, and 12.

"Captain Unohana is right," Yamamoto said when he noticed Unohana's other smile, even though it wasn't directed at him. "However, their Captains and Lieutenants and Captain Kenpachi's main officers: Ikkaku and Yumichika will not be helping. They will be going to…"

Karakura Town

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Ichigo shouted as his dad showed him the brochure.

"It's not that bad," Isshin said, grinning. "It will be good for you. Besides, you said that you wanted to have a job over the summer and this is the perfect opportunity. I've already made arrangements for you and some of your friends to go. You'll meet the bus tomorrow afternoon."

Hueco Mundo

Starrk stood with Lilynette, Harribel, her fraccion, and Nel when Tosen approached them. He gave out a sharp whistle and then all of the other Arrancar were looking at him. Starrk couldn't help but feel a little nervous about his smile. When all of the Arrancars, except for Rudobon, the Exequias, and the lesser Arrancars who were still busy clearing the debris and beginning making repairs, which now included Grimmjow's fraccion and most of Baraggan's.

"If you're not helping with restoring Las Noches, come with me," Tosen said.

They looked at each other and only shrugged. They could only obey his orders since Aizen left him in charge. They hoped that they would find out what Aizen and Gin had been up to. The further they walked away from Las Noches they began to wonder where they were going. However, Tosen ignored their grumblings. He walked like a man on a mission and they didn't have much choice but to follow.

When they reached the top of a large sand dune, they saw a long line of railroad track and a train platform. There was a train stopped in the station. The Arrancars looked at it in surprise. However, Ulquiorra did not change his expression at all. Nnoitora looked as if his remaining eye would pop out of its socket and his mouth gaped open.

"What…the…Hell? Since when did we have a train station?" Nnoitora asked.

"You mean that we could have gotten out of this boring place all along?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Dumbass, we could have done that using Garganta," Grimmjow growled.

"I know that…but going by Garganta gets so…boring," Szayel Aporro whined.

"Enough of that," Tosen said. "Come on."

Tosen moved to the station and the other Arrancars followed him. Most of the Arrancars stopped when they got a closer look at the train. However, Luppi and Szayel Aporro were immediately in love with the gaudy thing. The train was painted bright rainbow colors complete with cupids and smiley faces with the words: CAMP SMILEY written in bright yellow across a field of sky blue with birds and smiling animals with two smiley faces on either side.

"You…have…got…to…be…joking," Grimmjow moaned.

"This is ridiculous. THE GOD OF HUECO MUNDO WILL NOT BE EMBARASSED IN SUCH A MANNER!" Baraggan cried out.

"This…is…GORGEOUS!" Szayel Aporro cried out.

"I agree, I love it," Luppi said.

"What the Hell?" Nnoitora shrieked. "Are you both insane?"

"This thing…looks like something from a nightmare I had once," Ulquiorra muttered.

The Arrancars on the platform muttered and then the doors slid open. They took a couple of steps back, except for Tosen who merely stepped forward. Luppi and Szayel Aporro were jumping up and down and looked ready to dash inside.

"All aboard," Tosen said, smiling to them.

Luppi and Szayel Aporro rushed in. The others only looked at each other and followed, but not as eagerly. When the last group of stragglers, which included Baraggan and Ulquiorra, entered, the doors slid shut. The group looked around and saw that the walls were decorated with scenes from a children's storybook called "Charlie the Choo-Choo".

"Are those kids supposed to be laughing or screaming?" Harribel asked, pointing at one of the panels.

"Screaming," Starrk said.

"GOOD MORNING, MY DEAR ESPADA," Aizen's voice rang out over the intercom. "WELCOME ABOARD THE CAMP SMILEY EXPRESS."

"Aizen, is that really you?" Tosen asked, pretending to be surprised.

"Nope, it's me, Blaine the Monorail," Aizen said and laughed. "Yes, it's me. As it so happens, Blaine is the name of this beautiful train. Say 'hello' Blaine."

"DON'T ASK ME SILLY QUESTIONS," a rather polite, yet booming voice sang out. There were slight traces of the insanity that would overtake it by the time a much smaller group of travelers came across it in a city called Lud.

I WON'T PLAY SILLY GAMES.

I'M JUST A SIMPLE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN

AND I'LL ALWAYS BE THE SAME."

Then Aizen joined in with the song. The Espada and other Arrancar covered their ears and gritted their teeth as the duet continued with the next verse:

I ONLY WANT TO RACE ALONG

BENEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY,

AND BE A HAPPY CHOO-CHOO TRAIN

UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

As the song progressed, Gin's voice joined in. The others turned and saw Gin standing at the rear of the car and they wondered where he came from. Then Luppi and Szayel Aporro joined in with the song as did Yammy and Tesla. As the song reached the end, the voices drew out the word "DIE" and then applause broke out.

"Please God, kill me now," Ulquiorra moaned.

"This has got to be some nightmare," Grimmjow said.

"Nope, I'm afraid not," Starrk said.

"Welcome aboard," Aizen said.

"What do you want from us, Aizen?" Harribel asked.

"Yeah, why are we here?" Nnoitora asked.

"The reason is that I have given you chance after chance to learn how to get along with each other. However, the recent destruction of Las Noches has proven that you have much to work on. Therefore, I have decided that the time has come for you to go to…"

Seireitei

"Summer Camp?" Hitsugaya asked.

"That is correct," Yamamoto said. "The time has come for all of you to learn to get along with each other. Therefore, I have made arrangements for us to go to Camp Smiley. The express train will be arriving soon, after they picked up another party who is also attending."

"This is an insult to the Honorable and Noble name of Kuchiki," Byakuya said.

"I don't know," Ukitake said, smiling. "It could be fun. Also, it will help the squad Captains and officers to get along better."

"It sounds boring," Kenpachi said. "I mean we can't even get into a half-way decent battle there."

"Shouldn't we stay here? I mean, we still have to prepare for the War," Sui-Feng said.

"This is exactly what we need to help us prepare," Unohana said. "If we're unable to work together, then what chance do we have to defeat Aizen?"

"I'll drink to that," Kyoraku said, raising his bottle of sake.

"This is embarrassing," Komamura said. "I don't really want anyone to see me like this. My fur isn't in its best condition."

"Perhaps if you all learned how to cooperate better, I would not have to do this," Yamamoto said. "Before you even ask, I will be coming along to make sure that you are all participating and behaving yourselves."

"This is still embarrassing," Byakuya said.

Hueco Mundo

"This is…RIDICULOUS!" Baraggan roared. "I refuse to be treated in such a matter. I want out of this FREAK SHOW RIGHT NOW!"

"Sorry, but no can do," Aizen said, over the intercom. "As soon as you got on the train, a very powerful Kido spell was applied to you. Even as we speak, the Kido spell is taking effect. Pretty soon your bodies will become the equivalent of Gigais. Your powers will be sealed away, your hollow holes will be covered, and your mask remnants will no longer be visible. In other words…you'll be just like normal human beings."

"Why are you doing this to us?" Apacci asked.

"It's for the best," Aizen said. "When this is over, I'm sure that you will become a single cohesive movement that can overthrow the Soul Society. I hope to see you become children that I can be proud of. You have nothing to worry about. I'm sure that we will have plenty of fun at camp. Hopefully, we'll all learn something about each other."

"Wait a minute," Mila Rose said, realizing something. "We haven't packed anything! What are we going to do about personal hygiene? What about clothes?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Aizen said, chuckling. "Personal hygiene materials like toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, and shampoo will be provided. As for clothes…where we're going you won't need clothes."

"Oh God, are we going to a…a…A NUDIST CAMP?" Nnoitora shrieked.

"YES!" Luppi and Szayel Aporro shouted and gave each other a high-five.

"Interesting," Baraggan said, grinning as he glared at Harribel.

"Don't…even…think…about…it," Harribel growled at him.

"I…am…going…to…cut…my…wrists…and…hang…myself," Ulquiorra muttered.

"I swear to God," Mila Rose said. "If anyone here decides to go around nude, I'm gonna kill them."

"I'll help," Nnoitora growled. "Unless…" he said, licking his lips at the women present.

"In your dreams, Perv," Nel said.

"Nnoitora, one of these days, I'm gonna kick your Perv ass into next year," Apacci said.

"Now now, there's no need for that," Gin said, his grin was even wider than usual.

"I guess we know who gave Aizen the idea," Starrk whispered to Lilynette who only nodded.

"Now then, my dear Espada," Aizen said. "Please find a compartment to sit in. We will only make one stop during our twelve hour journey to pick up another group heading to Camp Smiley. So, you better make yourselves comfortable. Oh, I would suggest that you don't enter Compartment 20. It's already…occupied. Tosen will be making the rounds with the dinner cart at around 6:00 PM. Now, enjoy the ride and please try to be civil with each other. And I don't want to hear any complaints, because…"

Aizen and Yamamoto together

"WE'RE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL!"

End of Chapter 1

Lawyer: Please read this.

MJLCoyoteStarrk: Uh...sure, but isn't it kind of obvious.

Lawyer: Doesn't matter, just read it.

MJLCoyoteStarrk: Fine (takes paper). "I don't own Bleach, that belongs to Tite Kubo. Also, the song that Blaine sings is form "The Dark Tower: The Waste Lands" by Stephen King (which I highly recommend). I don't own the Dark Tower Series, that belongs to Stephen King." Do I have to read this for every chapter?

Lawyer: Not unless you decide to use some other character or element from another story.

MJLCoyoteStarrk: Fine, I also don't own the name U.N. Owen, the ever-immortal Agatha Christie does, may her books never go out of print.

Lawyer: Nice, but...I think that Agatha Christie is in the public domain now.

MJLCoyoteStarrk: Still, I want to make the plug for Agatha Christie, may her books always find an audience as Doctor Who seems to suggest. Amen.

A.N.: This trip to Camp Smiley can be seen as the beginning of Blaine's descent into madness. Roland and Company say "Thankee sai," to Aizen, "NOW EAT LEAD! MAY THE FIRE IN THE PITS OF NA'AR CONSUME YOU!