"Welcome back kids! Welcome back to the fic! Welcome to the chapter; my chapter!" The Zombie grinned breaking the fourth wall with a raspy voice which was as raspy as his speech was fast.
"Call me two-faced, call me anytime, call me Baron Samedi!" the special guest continued with a tap of his dirt covered top hat
"Scoop this! Check it out children…Talent, RAW talent! And baby believe me Rock 'N' Roll is good for the soul except: I AINT GOT OOOOONEEE! Now how's THAT for an opener from a good lookin corpse!
Now here's the scoop kids" the zombie continued with a slight change in his tone
"Whenever ole Uncle Baron calls you out in the chapter and says 'Thrill Me!' you will review after the chapter and include the phrase "Yo Baron I can dig it!" That's 'Yo Baron I can dig it!'"
"What the fuck?" a voice nearby shouted out nearby but the location hasn't at all been described yet in an Ill attempt to bring a punch line….its been a while since the last upload…
"Can you dig it children? Lets cut to the chaaaase…" Baron Samedi smirked "Yo! The babe who was first to review the intro chapter: 'Thrill Me!'' the smirk on the zombie's face turned into a deep toothy grin "YESSSSS! 'Yo Baron I can dig iiiit!'
"SHUT UP!" the voice yelled again, again the owner and the location was still being left unexplained to the readers
"…If you ain't rememberin to review with the phrase after reading the chapter now baaabe" Baron Samedi's voice deepening "N' payin a miss on mah lip service…then Dig This! HIT THE HOOOLLLLEEE! And whoever reviews last after this next week is over can take yer plaaaace…" the zombie's face and tone lightened again
"Hopefully you're at attention…payin attention….Now think of a number between one and six babe…what you pick? The zombie chuckled just as the sound of footsteps began stomping towards the special guest
"Guess what? I was just thinking about that number! And I was wondering how many of you readers will actually guess it….before you can even start to read the chapter from this point onwards….SO SUE MEEEE! The loser on the far left goes first…but hey: is that your left or my left? Think about it…..WHAAAOOOOO!"
"That's the twelfth time tonight!" The fan fiction author Mikeru growled as he flushed the toilet chain washing Baron Samedi's head down the pipe.
"Jesus… I go on hiatus then I get this? Mikeru rolled his eyes "Now where did Miyuki get to…" the author then walked out of the bathroom.
CHAPTER ONE: What? I have to give this chapter a name?
Helix arose from the dream to the sound of an annoying alarm clock which continued to drill in his ear.
"Uggh…whatta dream that was…" the author groaned as he switched off the clock with an author powered snap of his fingers. "Cant believe Samedi ended up in my cousin's crapper…I really have to choose better special guests too cause, he's probably insulted a couple of readers and other authors by now…"
"Finally up?" a sickeningly cheery voice piped up, as the drowsy author looked around he finally locked his eyes on Koizumi who had been hovering just in front of him.
"Why helloooo…" the Esper continued to grin.
"…Why do I have a sudden chill up my spine…oh wait I know why: YOU'RE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE!" Helix yelled
"There there, no need to be touchy" Koizumi replied happily "I just thought I'd tell you that it's 9:37, breakfast shall be served in the main hall at ten and I must say you look oh so adorable when you sleep…"
The author's eyes widened with a snap as he quickly jumped off the bunk and whipped on his clothes.
"You…watched me the whole night?" Helix muttered, completely disturbed.
"Mmmhmm!" the esper obliviously nodded. With that knowledge the author lunged for the door and escaped into the freedom of the university.
"Mmmmaybe I shouldn't have told him that…" Koizumi spoke aloud before shrugging and skipping off out the room.
Meanwhile….
"Super-Sama, would you like anything else?" Mikuru chirped, adorned in her maid outfit as she hovered over the author known better as superstarultra.
"Any sign of Haruhi?" the author asked aloud as the shadow of a second woman, a slightly older woman emerged somehow in a very well lit dining hall but this plothole was completely ignored by all of the other authors and fictionals in the room.
"She'll be rushing in here soon looking for my younger self. In about three minutes to be precise" Asahina responded.
"Right, then I'd better hurry this up…Mikuru, you know the drill right?" Super grabbed two pieces of toast in one hand, grabbed Asahina with the other and ran out of the hall.
"Sure." the younger girl bowed as her Author and older-self exited.
"Damn…that guy's lucky…he got TWO of em!" a random author commented
"It's the same girl I think?" a second author added.
"…Thaaat lucky bastard…..That lucky lucky bastard…" Helix groaned as he sat down at one of the long tables and rested his head on his shoulders.
"Hey Helix! S'up!" a cheery author called as she sat next to him; a fictional wearing a blue suit sitting beside her.
"Hey Sakura-Heart" Helix sighed as he nodded towards the author better known as iLoVeCaRDcApToRsAkuRa then returned to look down at the table.
"Yer looking dull for someone who just managed to write a second chapter with a little anarchy in it; what's to do?" Sakura-Heart asked.
"I just saw SuperStarUltra run outta here with Asahina, then I find out he's got Mikuru as a maid… I swear everyone's in luck here! You have Wright, Haruhi has Kyon respectively, Super has both Mikuru AND Asahina and as for me…" the author then slammed his hand on the solid oak table. "I have paedophilic potentially homosexual esper Itsuki Koizumi WHO by the way moved my dorm around and spent the entire night watching me sleep!"
"…..Damn….just damn…" Sakura-Heart blinked just as Phoenix Wright stood up
"OBJECTION!" the defence attorney bellowed before sitting down again completely ignored by everyone.
"By the way, aren't those two girls of Super's BOTH Mikuru Asahina?" Sakura-Heart asked giggling as Helix sighed again.
"Yeah, but I'm reckoning the one in the SOS Brigade is being called Mikuru while her older self gets called Asahina…makes sense I suppose" the author commented just as the announcment bell rang. "I need something to cheer me up…"
"Hey! This is uh…..uhhhh…umm…" the voice over the speakers stuttered.
"Dripik sir…" a second voice whispered just faintly
"Dripik! I knew that…. I knew that… I really did!" the first voice commented. "I am General Dripik and from this point onward I will be making the official announcements throughout the fic!"
In the announcement room….
"For the first announcement I would first like to mention that the first lesson for today for our author and several others will be combat training which I will personally be overseeing!" The Glukkon known as General Dripik continued while standing in front of the microphone wearing his honorary medals with two Sligs sat a desk typing away at a super computer.
"And by the Legendary Authors it will be an impressive display of talent or my name aint ahhh…uhhhh….ummm…hmmm…." the Glukkon's elongated face was deep in recollection as the two sligs looked at each other and chuckled.
"Its Dumbass sir." one of the two muttered
"Dumbass! I knew that!" the Glukkon beamed
Back In the dining hall….
Several of the authors and many of the fictionals were snickering at the obliviousness of the announcer.
"I General Dumbass, will be looking forward to today's lesson which takes place in an hours time!" with that the speakers went quiet.
"Well…that did it" Helix grinned as he grabbed a few rashers of bacon and buttered a bun.
"Dripik….wasn't he in that old game series Oddworld?" Sakura-Heart asked as the doors to the dining room opened with Haruhi racing in; Kyon's tie in hand…with Kyon being dragged along at the other end of it.
"Yeah, bad recollection of his own name, got blown up" the author responded before taking a bite of his bacon sandwich.
"Damnnit! I was SURE that he was here!" the Brigade Leader growled before leaping at Mikuru and giving her an SOS Brigade traditional fondling
"And here I was thinking she'd have forgotten about him…Haruhi must've hit me harder then I thought…" Kyon muttered; breaking the fourth wall
In the Announcement Room
"So how was that boys?" the Glukkon asked, receiving a pair of thumbs up from the two squid faced machine legged creatures.
"Sure made a good impression boss!" one of them replied.
"Bet they were applauding down there!" the other added
"Heh. Yeah! The Glukkon grinned as he tippled away on feet that appeared too small for his body and without arms, his speed was slow…at best.
"So Steve, what should we get Douche to call himself next?" one of the Sligs asked sniggering.
"I dunno Marv, but I'm sure the readers will review and give us some ideas…anything beginning with D!"
"Are you two worthless maggots breaking the fourth wall in the vain attempts to get the author more reviews?" a deep ice cold voice echoed causing both the Sligs to jump up and salute.
"Sir! No Sir!" the Sligs; Marv and Steve replied as the University Dean readjusted his sunglasses and walked out the room.
"That guy totally scares me…" Marv shuddered
"Yeah… and I thought that Marik fella was bad; taking over the minds of those of us with the name Steve…"
"So that's why you were doing the conga wearing a tutu and a cauliflower on your head last week?"
"Umm….yes." Steve looked away and sighed a breath of relief.
In The Courtyard an Hour Later
"Alright troops! Today's lesson was supposed to be taught by the legend himself Duke Nukem, however due to certain circumstances he will not be present….yeeeess?" General Dripik nodded towards a pink-haired girl carrying a wand who had her hand raised.
"What happened to him?" Louise asked
"From what recon has informed me Miss Valliere, Nukem has been preoccupied settling a dispute about whom is superior; himself or Chuck No…" the Glukkon stopped, hearing a rifle being cocked and readied. "Well you know him by now I'm sure. Ahem" General Dripik ambled towards Marv the Slig who was standing next to a lever.
"Now behind this gate is a task each one of you authors will deal with single-handedly, fictionals it is optional whether you co-operate or not with one another. Author Soultail Omega-Light-Sama you shall go first" the Glukkon nodded as the Kitsune author dressed in a yellow bikini top, a short skirt with her twelve tails adorned with a clip with two razor sharp blades each on the ends braced for her task.
"Do it!" General Dripik ordered, and the Slig threw the switch revealing a cage, inside dwelled colossal metallic creature that resembled a dragon-horse crossbred. Several of the fictionals nearby gulped and backed off as the Ultima WEAPON roared, ripped open the cage and took flight.
"Ooook…." Soultail breathed as she dashed forward avoiding a blast of energy emitted from the beasts chest before leaping up in front of it. Snarling the Ultima WEAPON charged up its chest cannon only to be sliced into 24 pieces as the Kitsune flipped her body forward and sliced through its metallic body with her tail blades faster then the eyes of the fictionals could register. The Ultima WEAPON's body parts fell to the earth.
"YO! The babe with the twelve tails: 'Thrill Me!'" Baron Samedi shouted out as he emerged out of the ground with a smirk, only to be buried by the falling pieces of the defeated beast. "I hate it when that happens…." the zombie groaned from inside the wreckage.
"Very well done Author-Sama!" the Glukkon boomed "Back on Oddworld you would've been granted a most suitable reward!" the Kitsune grinned as she noticed Helix give her a smirk of approval as she wandered past the author. Himself getting ready for his task.
"Author PhoenixHelix-Sama it is now time for your task! DO IT!" with the order Marv flipped the switch revealing the next cage….with SuperStarUltra making out with Asahina inside it…
"That's my task?" the author stared flabbergasted.
"Huh? Oh hi Helix, guys." Super looked towards the group, receiving a mixture of cheers and laughs.
"Where is the Gandalfr that was meant to fight the Author-Sama? "The Glukkon questioned just as an explosion went off on the other side of the courtyard.
"Louise! I swear I wasn't staring at Soultail-Sama…I wasn't even near her!" Saito stammered, covered in soot as the Pink-haired Valliere pointed her wand at her familiar with evil intent on her face.
"So JUST because she's an author and has bigger breasts then me you think its right to ogle them you, you, you PERVERTED DOG!" Louise screamed as she began beating Saito to high hell.
"Well guess he's done for…" Helix sighed trying to hide a chuckle "So do I get a task or do I just pass?"
"Why don't you and I have a sparring?" Super suggested as he pushed away the cage door like it was tinfoil. "Something that's REALLY on our level huh?"
"Hmmm sure, I can live with that…" Helix nodded as he raised his hand "Seiryuu!" seconds later the serpentine-like Dragon flew past with a cute growl, before resting in the authors hands, transforming into her scythe form.
"Should be a laugh." Super smirked as he placed his hands by his sides.
"….GO!"
Helix lunged at Super and swung the scythe in a horizontal arch only for the opponent to raise his hand and catch the blade in his hand before pushing it backward and delivering a roundhouse which quickly was blocked by the scythe. Helix then pushed forward, rushed behind the opponent and raked the blade across Super's back just as he received a blow to the gut via an elbow. Helix recovered and leaped, somersaulting twice slammed the tip of the Scythe towards Super who simply blocked the attack with a barrier and pushed forward. Both authors jumped back and took stance.
"Looks like you're not gonna take it laying down huh?" Super joked as he winked at Asahina.
"Laying down? After the awaking I got today I don't think I'll EVER go back to sleep!" Helix responded gaining a laugh from his newfound rival.
"I heard about you ending up with the esper, guess you'll have to make do cause I'll be ending up with my own personal harem. Super then quickly muttered under his breath in an unreadable language; his arms then began glowing a faint blue and white.
"Heh, you wish." Helix shrugged as he unfolded his wings and let his hair down; Seiryuu beginning to glow in an Azure hue. "No more warm up?"
"No more warm up" Super nodded and suddenly they both vanished from view before seconds later two blurring flashes slammed into one another explosively above the group of authors and fictionals.
"Err you think someone should try stopping those two?" Kyon mused as he staggered to his feet.
"Mmmnnah they'll get bored." Soultail shrugged as she bit into a peeled apple.
"Where'd you get that?"
"Asakura."
Kyon's eyes widened as he looked over at a nearby wall where Ryoko Asakura herself was sweetly smiling at him while peeling apple after apple with her knife at blinding speed.
"Apparently it's therapy." Sakura-Heart added as she wandered over.
"Riiight…I take it she still wants to kill me." Kyon swallowed hard as he mentally and habitually broke the fourth wall. "Why did the author have to allow a psychotic blunette like her cameo with me nearby…"
"He likes her t'swhy." the Kitsune author replied.
"That psycho!"
"Yep."
"Makes me wonder, are all those units from that entity a little…you know…extreme?" Kyon pondered.
"I'm still wondering what happened to Nagato" Sakura-Heart mused as she caught a peeled apple that Asakura had thrown at her.
Meanwhile…
Yuki wandered down the halls of a hellish scenario; a hospital of sorts which was covered in rust and decay with the nightmarish war sirens continuing to wail in the distance.
"…" the pettaneko alien mused as she looked around then snapped her fingers; disappeared from the hospital into an abandoned police station, the groans of the undead filling the halls. She snapped her fingers again and reappeared in a world of white. just as a badly drawn shark tried to eat her Yuki snapped her fingers again much to the seven year old drawer's confusion. And reappeared in a ball room where humorously dressed Goths were dancing.
"Leeeets doo the tiiimmmee waarrrrp agaaaaaiiinnn!" they sang causing even Yuki to raise an eyebrow and quickly snap her fingers. She appeared back in the clubroom.
"…I guess I'll walk."
Back at the university…
Helix and Super lunged at each other for one final attack; their powers outshining the sun itself and even gathering the attention of everyone in the university, as they collided the very ground trembled and the light exploded.
"Are they…" Kyon started
"Nah. Nobody dies in this fic…" Soultail began as she noticed both authors land on the ground with a thud; covered in bruises and burns. "…They just get really big boo boos… extra points for those who guess what film that's from in the first try."
"George of the jungle."
"Damn Kyon, I was trying to…never mind" Soultail sighed as she and several others followed the two authors into the building
"Ughh…call it a tie?" Helix suggested with Seiryuu coiled over his shoulder in her serpentine form; unconscious.
"Yeah…" Super nodded as he sported a deep cut across his chest and burns down one arm.
"He…HEY! Where're you all going? Class isn't dismissed yet!" General Dripik yelled hopping up and down but receiving no attention.
"Listen to what I tell ya! I'm General err umm…"
"Dipshit?" the author yelled over his shoulder.
"Dipshit that's it…ahem I demand….waaaait a minute…." his tantrum was left unheard as the authors headed to the student bar and Marv the Slig was too far gone in laughter.
That evening…
"Phew…whatta day…" Helix strolled into his dorm room slightly tipsy and closed the door as Seiryuu uncoiled herself from around the author and fell asleep on the windowsill.
"Looks like Koizumi's out…good…." the author flicked his wrist and the shower in the Japanese styled bathroom turned on; filling the room with water vapour.
"Heads up!" a voice shouted from outside just as a baseball smashed through the dormroom window and knocked the serpentine dragon off her perch and out of her slumber making her sob like a baby.
"Damnit…" Helix rolled his eyes, quickly fixed the window with a flick of the wrist before opening it.
"Watch where're ya throwing this!" the author yelled noticing Haruhi gazing up with fire in her eyes as Mikuru bowed behind her apologetically Tsuruya just sighed and Kyon just shrugged his shoulders in defeat.
"Whatever…can we have that back NOW?" Haruhi yelled not in a tone that was asking, more demanding."Pff…" Helix tossed the ball out of the dorm which narrowly missed a magpie and was caught by the Brigade Leader.
"Nice throw! You wanna try out? The SOS Brigade's gonna be…" Helix closed the window before she finished and let Seiryuu lay back on it, the sepentine dragon instantly fell asleep looking adorable.
"Yeah like I'd wanna do half of what she does…course it would mean the chance to see if Tsuruya or Asakura's free and …didn't I close that?" Helix's train of thought was cut off as the door was wide open, he wandered over and re-closed it before he lifted off his ragged shirt.
"Ouch. Looks like you had a rough day." the twin knifes on the coffee table merged together and turned into a vermillion hued bird resembling a Peacock.
"Just a bit of a rumble, nothing major." Helix muttered as he rubbed a deep bruise on his shoulder.
"You got it handed to you huh…" the bird replied with a chuckle.
"Suzaku, shut up. Helix narrowed his eyes irritably as he undressed completely and grabbed a towel off the radiator before wandering into the bathroom for a shower.
The author sat down on the shower seat with a deep breath as the heated water cascaded heavily on his head and chest.
"Wow… no wonder they have these kinds in Japan… huh..?" Helix felt a pair of hands on his back massaging it in a circular motion.
"Who the…?" Helix's sentence was cut off by a soft shush from his company.
"Just relax and let me take care of this…" the stranger spoke in a soft feminine tone. The author relaxed but frowned feeling uneasy, his instinct telling him something wasn't right about his company.
"You're so tense…"
"Uhuh."
"You really shouldn't get run down like this."
"Hmm."
"I'll do this whenever you…"
"Itsuki Koizumi."
"Hmm?"
"No no no Kyon! You've gotta put more effort into it!" Haruhi complained as the protagonist tried resting his arms after swinging the bat three thousand times.
"How much more…"
"GET YOUR ESPER ARSE OUT OF MY FUCKING SHOWER!" Helix bellowed at the top his lungs, which could be heard from where Kyon, Haruhi, Mikuru and Tsuruya were practicing. Kyon and Haruhi sweat dropped and winced, Mikuru trembled teary-eyed while Tsuruya fell on her knees and burst out laughing.
Koizumi shot out of Helix's dorm-room as fast as a bullet from a gun barrel with a look of sheer terror and dashed down the corridor as the Author himself leaped out of the dorm with Byakko in hand and began firing round after round in his direction. Several dorm doors opened slightly; the residents peeping their heads to eavesdrop.
"I SWEAR IN THE NAME OF ZEUS'S ASSHOLE IF YOU EVER SHOW UP IN MY DORMROOM AGAIN KOIZUMI I WILL PERSONALLY CRUCIFY YOU BY YOUR FUCKING TESTICLES!" Helix roared with his eyes and face depicting so much fury that a Rage Virus carrier would look pretty mellow.
"Dammit dude! I'm tryin to score here!" Megadeth425 yelled from out of his dorm but the sudden glare from Helix coerced him to close the door and stay behind it.
"…Show's over guys" the author lowered the rifle and walked back inside.
"Yeesh…" Sakura-Heart muttered as she closed her door and looked towards Phoenix who lounged back on her sofa.
"I think he was pretty pissed…"
"From the sound of it…yeah." the ace attorney nodded.
"Ugh. Honestly why couldn't I just have a cute girl dammit… just ONE!" Helix groaned as he leaned against the door, Byakko transforming into her White Tiger form and rubbing her head against Helix's wrist.
"Listen, if any of you find Koizumi in here again you have MY personal permission to hurt him." Helix breathed out, petted the tiger's head then wandered towards the bathroom, frowning at the fact a silhouette of a person kneeling down was visible in the glass the author prepared himself to attack and opened the door.
"Good Evening Helix-Sama" Miyuki Takara bowed slightly with a shy smile on her face.
Meanwhile…
"Hellooooooo? Is any one there?" Baron Samedi called out from under the remains of the Ultima WEAPON.
"Cause if theres anyone hearin me kiddies and payin a miss on mah lip service….wha?" the Zombie's voice suddenly faded out of existence…
Finally the Chapter of the Zombie has been done! why did Baron just disappear? We may never know… . I apologise for the length of time since my last update, work has kept me from procrastinating and even though I've thought of ideas its taken a while to keep them simple and not over complicated. Also just to inform those you who might have thought about it; yes the Author known as Mikeru is my cousin; he mostly works on Lucky Star fanfics and he's known pretty well for them so if you're a fan of the series and haven't read his material I'd recommend doing so ^-^ obviously he owns himself, as do the authors Soultail Omega-Light iLoVeCaRDcApToRsAkuRa Superstarultra and Megadeth425 they all own themselves xD and I only own the four OC's Genbu, Seiryuu, Suzaku and Byakko (As all we big lovers of Japanese folklore are aware, they're based off the four guardians of Kyoto)
With that said and done please read and review with comments and ideas and hopefully I'll be back soon with the next chapter with special cameo from Anne Di Chantraine: the Witch from Nightmare/Atmosfear III!