~ "Peace and Hate", The Submarines ~

Butters

Oh God, why did I let him talk me into this? I stare at myself in the mirror, adoring what I see, but the fear is curling in my stomach and just now I would rather die than go out dressed this way. Thankfully my parents are out. Thankfully they don't know about the party. If they found out...

Whimpering in terror, I sit down on the bed. I'm still not completely sure why I'm doing this. What if people think I'm a fag?

I feel sick.

But I close my eyes and remember how happy Kenny looked when I told him I'd do it. I'd do anything to make him happy and... I'm still sure that it's only a matter of time until he gets bored of being with a guy and goes back to the girls. With Marjorine, maybe I can put that off for a little longer. It's stupid, pointless, torture to draw this relationship out, because I'm falling for him more and more each day, but the thought of having to endure my life without the relief he gives me... I have to try to keep us together. After all, without Marjorine he would have never noticed me in the first place.

Plus it might be fun. We went with angel/devil for our costumes. Kenny was set on going as a slutty female devil but I managed to talk him out of that. I don't know why, but I can't stand the thought of him dressing up too. Maybe someday when I'm more comfortable with being Marjorine around him, but right now I need him to just be himself.

He compromised. Thank God.

I finger the delicate feathers on the edge of my wings, close my eyes. I just let the softness comfort me.

Too soon, there's that typical hammering on the front door and I jump up.

Kenny.

And there's that mixture of anticipation and joy and desire and danger that pulses through me every time he's near. I can't believe that crazy, adrenaline obsessed, crude kid I knew has come to mean so much to me.

Sometimes I can't stand how much I've come to depend on him.

One day I'll show him how strong I really am.

But for now I'm checking the mirror, adding more gloss, opening the door, feeling my heart thump.

"Must'a hurt when you fell from heaven," he grins at me.

I raise an eyebrow. "Well heck, how long did that take you to think up?"

"Nearly the whole walk here I'll have you know," he retorts. "Most thinking I've done in years."

I just smile and take in his outfit. Biker boots, ripped skinny jeans (deliciously tight), tears revealing fishnets underneath ("Kenny!" "I couldn't resist!"), fingerless gloves, a gothic waistcoat over his bare chest (my heart thumps more), chunky pentacle necklace, all topped off with heavy black eyeliner and jet black devil horns.

Wow.

"You like?" He winks at me wickedly.

"...it's..."

He smiles, smug. "I thought so. Come on." Kenny grabs my arm, then stops and darts back inside the house. "Dude, you forgot your wig!"

Yeah, deliberately. But he places it on my head and I feel the golden locks caress my shoulders. The halo is the final touch. Then I've locked up and we're off, walking to Stan's place. I feel the butterflies start their own party in my stomach, but I glance at Kenny and he squeezes my hand, calming me. He assured me the one person who could unravel the whole charade, Bebe, wouldn't be here tonight. Token's having a party too, and Kenny dropped hints he'd be there. Girl can't resist a chase, apparently, so she's sure to be at Token's house, dressed in her sluttiest costume, laying her traps.

So everything's gonna be fine.

Still, I can feel my fists bumping together as Kenny hammers on Stan's door. Worried, I pull down my floaty dress further down my legs. I'm wearing hot pants underneath but I'm still self conscious.

"Don't worry babe, you look fuckin' hot," Kenny hisses my ear. He pinches my ass for good measure too. This gives me just the thrill of adrenaline I need as the door swings open.

Wendy stands in the doorway, waving us in. She's dressed in a gorgeous colourful Mexican outfit, her hair scraped back from her face and a monobrow pencilled on. Kenny laughs.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?"

Wendy scowls, an expression even more formidable with the one eyebrow. "I'm Frida Kahlo, asswipe! And how about you? Gimp?"

"Devil," he corrects her. "And here's my better half." He nudges me forward slightly.

"W-well hey there Wendy. Swell party!" My voice is bright but I'm terrified of her reaction.

"Oh my God, Butters?" Her eyes widen and I feel sick again, but she breaks out into a joyous smile. "You look adorable! You should totally grow your hair."

When she moves away to get us drinks I feel myself breathe out heavily. I didn't even know I was holding my breath.
"See?" Kenny's face is jubilant. "I told ya you'd be a hit."

"I-I guess..." But not everyone's as accepting of cross dressing as Wendy. I heard she started South Park's only LGBT club just so she could show everyone how liberal she is. She's such a hipster.

"Here you go," Wendy sings in my ear. "Now go mingle, you two! I'm gonna go find where Stan's wandered off to..." Her cheery tone drops slightly in that last bit and Kenny gives me a look as she hurries away. It's pretty obvious how much time Stan and Kyle have been spending together lately. If I were dating Stan I'd be worried too.

"C'mon." Now Kenny's dragging me round the party. The lights are dimmed and Stan's front room is packed. The hifi is blaring out Gaga and I find myself getting even more nervous as we weave through the crowd. How the heck am I supposed last through this whole party?

Kenny's oblivious to my discomfort of course. He's found Craig and is gleefully pulling me over.

"Hey bitch. Figured you'd be at Token's thing?"

Craig scowls. He's not wearing a costume, unless he came as the town badass. He frightens me sometimes, I have to admit.

"Nah. Place is gonna be a whorehouse, dude. The girls can't get enough of Token now he's got his inheritance. Plus Tweek wanted to be somewhere more chilled."

I glance over to Tweek, shivering slightly on the couch. I raise an eyebrow. Those two have been hanging out a lot too. Fighting in public, loitering behind the bike sheds... Maybe Kenny and I aren't as unique as we thought. But Craig has spotted me staring.

"Hey, Ken. Who's your friend?"

Kenny chuckles and pulls me closer. "Oh I'm sure you know her..."

I wince. He's loving this so much. And I can't quite figure out why. Is it because he likes to see me be open about Marjorine? Or is it just Marjorine that's making him have so much fun?

"H-how's it goin', Craig?"

Craig starts at the sound of my voice, but covers it up. "Oh hey, Butters," he says coolly. "Look, I'd make an excuse to leave but honestly I couldn't give a shit about talking to you guys so..."

And he's gone, back to his twitching boyfriend. Seeing them together actually makes me smile. "Oh isn't that nice, Kenny? I'm so glad they've got each other."

Kenny raises an eyebrow at me, then laughs. "You're so cute, Butters."

I sip my drink coyly and he leans in to bite my ear. It feels so good, but I glance around quickly, hoping no-one saw. Kenny registers my discomfort and pulls back, sighing. I wait for him to challenge me, but thankfully he doesn't. Last thing I need right now is to have Kenny making out with me in front of everyone. Marjorine is enough for now, thank you.

After that, I actually start to enjoy myself. The rum punch is helping me relax, and soon enough Kenny's chatting with Stan and Kyle and I'm left to sit there smiling and nodding. Just how I like it. Time slips by and soon enough we're out of drinks again. Kenny's deep in some conversation about X-Box with the guys, so I get this round. Rihanna's on the stereo now, and I start singing along as I pour the drinks.

"Hey bitch."

Oh hamgurgers! Rum spills onto my hand as I recognise the voice behind me. Bebe's hand lands on my shoulder and she spins me around.

"So it's you! You're Kenny's new whore. Well let me tell you something, slut, that boy is mine. We went steady for almost a year, you know that? Ain't nothing you have I can't give him."

I seriously doubt that, but I don't say a word, letting her get her rage out. Also, I'm terrified. I'm fairly certain she's gonna kill me. But her expression turns to hurt.

"I thought we were friends, Marjorine!"

"Who the fuck is Marjorine?" Oh Jesus! Mary mother of God! Eric! He's lumbering up to us, cackling evilly. "Christ Butters, you look even worse as a girl! I knew you were a fucking fag."

Bebe's mouth drops open. She looks from Eric to me. "...what?"

"Yeah, holy shit Butters, you can't even dress right. Did you steal that dress from an eight year old girl?"

"...Butters?"

No! No no no no no no no no...

It's all coming out! She's telling Eric everything, about our dancing, about Marjorine. The room spins and all I can hear is laughing, nasty and abusive, crashing in on me from all sides...

Bebe rips the wig from my head.

And I run.