Title: Autobot Underoos
Fandom: Bayverse (post ROTF, ignores tie-in comics, AU)
Author: femme4jack
Characters:Mikaela, Sarah Lennox, Annabelle Lennox, BV Autobot Ensemble
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Autobot Cursing, Crack (Failed crack attempt, but posting it anyhow. At least it is cute.)
Summary: Mikaela and Sideswipe are given responsibility for the Autobot marketing plan.
Notes:: Written for the Spring Fever & Lingerie challenge at the flesh_and_steel community on livejournal. Sort of a bonus entry that I'm putting up because there can never be too many stories about Autobots and underwear. Underoos are a line of comic and cartoon-based children's underwear that came out when I was a little girl. My parents never let me buy any - they were a "waste of money." I will admit that my boys' bottoms are decorated regularly with Autobots, Jedi, Superheroes, and various Pixar characters.
Thanks to Sakon76 and ace_of_the_arts on livejournal for their inspirational comments on Cybertronian cursing.

Autobot Underoos

"So, in short, with several upcoming governmental elections that are, for all intents and purposes, referendums on the human alliance with and support of the Autobots, we feel this marketing campaign will have consequences far beyond the financial ones, though focus groups indicate we can anticipate our products will prove quite lucrative. The products we have proposed will have broad appeal, both as toys and collectors items, and will increase Autobot popularity among children, teens, twenty-somethings, and even thirty-somethings of both genders."

"Those last two groups are participating in elections at an ever increasing rate, and have been strong forces for change in recent political movements in the Middle East. Your popularity with children and teens will affect their parents when they go to the polls. No parent wants to tell his or her child that they voted to get his or her heros booted off of the planet. Now you'll have a chance to preview the actual prototypes."

Mikaela ended the three dimensional powerpoint even as her much taller marketing partner rolled in with a large cart covered with the actual products, which Prime, Ratchet, Jazz, Jolt, Bumblebee, and Chromia (representing the other two femmes who were still being repaired) began cautiously picking up and examining with a mixture of fascination and puzzlement. Ironhide remained still, glowering from his corner.

"Oops, sorry," Prime murmured as the toy bearing the likeness of his alt form seemed to explode into a thousand smaller pieces as he attempted to transform it.

"That's ok, sir" Sideswipe assured him, sounding tremendously professional in his new role as the Autobot marketing representative. The duty had been assigned to him to help focus his attention in a productive manner given the many unproductive ways he channeled the anxiety that came from separation from his twin. "The transformation sequences are not designed for manipulation by beings of our size. We have more prototypes. All of these are expendable."

"Why does this comic show me gettin' torn in half by Megs?" Jazz came close to shrieking in a static-laced voice.

"Oh, sorry Jazz," Mikaela said sweetly, patting the silver minibot on the knee affectionately. "Since you were on that covert mission the last few years, we decided to have you extinguish and then have Ratchet bring you back again to explain your absence. Your actual mission might...make people feel a bit uncomfortable. Besides, you are a favorite among the fangirls, and the more fanfiction they write and consume, the more money they will spend collecting. The few images out there of you have gone viral, and there is already a mythos that has developed around you. This will just add to it and make your products twice, if not three times as valuable as the others."

"I think my mission was more interestin' that gettin' torn in two by that spiky-faced rusted giga-goat fragger," Jazz said with frown, gingerly putting the comic back on the cart.

"Yes, Jazz, but we are marketing to children," she explained. "Trust me, we don't want them knowing what your mission involved."

"If you say so, little lady, but gettin' torn in half is pretty brutal. The kids aint gonna like that either," he pouted, rubbing his abdominal plating.

"What the frag are those?" Ironhide suddenly interrupted, taking a single step to the cart and picking up a small plastic wrapped package, tearing off the cover to examine up a pair of child-sized underwear in the palm of his hand.

"Oh, those are part of our clothing and home decor line," Mikaela explained. "We have t-shirts, pajamas, sheets, comforters, even curtains, in colors and styles that will appeal to both boys and girls."

A low rumble emerged from Ironhide's engine, accompanied by the whirling sound of his cannon. "You will not put my image on human genital coverings," he growled.

Mikaela grabbed a second pair that had fallen from the package to the floor, lifting them up for all to see. The back of the underwear showed Ironhide in both his root and alt forms, cannon proud and ready, with his designation in both English and Cybertronian boldly displayed in red. On the front, there were dozens of tiny versions of his root form intermixed with Autobot symbols. "These? These are adorable! What's the problem?" she asked innocently.

"Relax, Ironhide," Sideswipe added with a cycle of his optics. "Underwear with character tie-ins sell for four, even five times the amount of plain ones. You get your own percentage of the royalties for personal use."

"I'll admit, the concept of our images on the undergarments of small children is...disconcerting and somehow seems inappropriate," Prime rumbled, picking up the set based on his visage carefully between two fingers.

"If I ever see these online or on any store shelves, there won't even be parts left to salvage," Ironhide warned, looking directly at Sideswipe. It wasn't clear if he was referring to the silver Lamborghini or the Box Store Chains that would carry their products.

"Oh grow up! It is so not a big deal," Mikaela said in an exasperated tone. "I vetoed the Autobot thongs, g-strings, and teddies Sides wanted. But, these are perfectly innocent. I bet Annabelle wears character-panties all the time."

"I have no objection to teddies. I like plushies," Prime offered, only to flinch when Bumblebee commed him with a website that showed him exactly what a teddy was in terms of human lingerie.

"Annabelle only wears Disney princesses panties. I'm certain her parents would object to undergarments with mechs who are older than her civilization," the black mech growled before he sputtered, realizing he'd admitted to knowing that his young charge wore "princess panties".

"It was that day that Hide was watching Belle while Sarah was in labor with Billy Jr. She lubricated on herself and he commed me and made me deal with it. I did so on the condition that his holoform deal with the laundry and for an upgrade to my weapons systems," Chromia explained blandly.

"Actually, Annabelle doesn't just wear princess panties," Sarah commented sweetly, announcing her presence from where she had been watching with fascination from the entrance to the conference room. "She was a tester for all of the age appropriate items, and has several pairs. She likes them all, but says she feels safest in her Hidey ones. Never has a single accident when she wears them. Don't even get me started on the jammies. I have to bribe her to let me wash them. So, unless you want to break a little girl's heart and take away her sense of security, you are just going to have to deal."

No one was going to be responsible for upsetting Annabelle Lennox, so the argument ended before it really began. That was, until Sunstreaker arrived on Earth and his line of Autobot briefs and panties went on the shelves. The close up of his face across the backside became a favorite among collectors. Sideswipe was fortunate that being twin-sparked did not permit his brother to extinguish him, though there were moments during his repairs when he wished that the golden Lambo would have.

No one commented when a plushie from Prime's own collection was found to have been delivered to the silver mech while he was in recovery from his surgeries. They had all learned the hard way not to tease their Prime about that particular obsession. Mechs and humans alike also learned very quickly not to snicker, chuckle, guffaw, chortle or react in any manner when Annabelle would announce to Ironhide at the top of her lungs while she sprinted toward him that she was wearing her "Hideys".