The worst part of waking up was always that moment of disorientation, when the vestigial remains of a sleeping reality still tugged softly at the edges of his mind. He knew, he knew in the marrow of his bones and the scent of her on the pillow that he had been with her the previous night. He knew it in that moment as he had known it every morning for three years, as he would know it for the rest of his lonely existence.

And in the next moment, he opened his eyes and knew it was all another dream. There was only the familiar empty half of an unfamiliar bed, that ever-present ache in his chest, the blank far wall of another tiny ships' bunk, the soft bubbling of another...

...Fish tank.

That paused his usual maudlin wake-up routine. A dozen brightly-colored and decidedly tropical fish wheeled and turned in the massive tank, and Kaidan found himself wondering whether or not fish were really the best choice of pet for a warship. Mildly perplexed, he rolled onto his back, stretched and rubbed the melodrama from his eyes. Kaidan did his best not to waste more than a few minutes every morning dwelling on the monotonous tragedy that his life had become, or there was a real danger of never actually getting out of bed. Propping himself up on his elbows, he took a moment to get his bearings. Another day, another... glass wall of model starships.

And behind the starships, he realized, Shepard sat at her desk. Chin balanced on her fist, features lit faintly orange by the dim glow of her computer, she was clearly engrossed in whatever she was reading. A wild relief flooded him- she was alive, she was here- and was replaced by immediate embarassment. Of course she was here, this was her room, her giant fish tank, her model starships. And he'd been shot in the heart a month ago, so of course his chest hurt.

He sighed, and the quiet noise drew Shepard's attention. She looked up from her work and smiled. "Morning," she said.

"Morning," he replied.

She pressed the laptop closed, stood and came around the desk. "I talked to Anderson a little while ago," she said as she took the three steps into the recessed bedroom.

"Oh yeah?" Kaidan sat up, sliding back until his shoulders rested against the wall.

"He's expecting us in a couple hours." Sitting at the edge of the bed, her smile took a slightly sheepish cast. "Well, he's expecting me. You might be a surprise."

Kaidan shook his head, rolling his eyes in mock exasperation. "Yeah, and he just loves surprises. He's probably going to bust me down to private and stick me on toilet scrubbing duty on a dreadnought, after three-ish weeks of no contact and then showing up unexpectedly."

"You're going gray," she replied.

"Don't change the subject," he laughed.

"Well, you are!" Shepard reached out and traced her fingers delicately over his ear. "Right here," she continued, repeating the motion. "Gray."

"It's probably your fault," he muttered. "All the stress from this assignment."

"Well, I like it," she replied. A smile curved her lips, and she leaned closer. "Makes you look... distinguished." Her lips brushed his as she spoke, just shy of kissing him; her hand dropped from his ear, fingers sliding down the side of his neck and over his chest.

He closed the distance for her, pressing his lips urgently against hers, arms sliding around her waist and pulling her close. Obligingly, she lifted and slung one leg over his hips, settling astride him. Eventually, reluctantly, she pulled away.

"Well good morning, Commander," she said appreciatively.

"Morning," he replied, sliding a hand over her hip and down her thigh, allowing himself a little smugness as gooseflesh rose beneath his touch.

"So Chakwas called, too," she murmured. "She seems to have misplaced a radioactive Alliance officer."

"No kidding?" He folded one arm behind his head, his other hand coming to rest on her hip. His thumb brushed lightly over the skin just above her underwear. So much for getting down there before the Doc noticed, he thought, and promptly realized he didn't actually give a shit.

"It's the damndest thing," Shepard shrugged. She glanced down, and her index fingers tapped a little tattoo against the skin at the edge of his boxers. One finger tucked under the elastic, and she traced her nail along the sensitive skin just over his groin. He inhaled sharply as she touched just the right place, and she exhaled a throaty laugh. "Apparently he just… disappeared in the middle of the night. Think I should be worried?"

"I doubt he's that dangerous if he had to break out of the medical bay," Kaidan mused, catching and pulling her teasing fingers away. His hands slid up the insides of her wrists, until their palms pressed flat together.

"True," Shepard agreed. She twisted her palms just enough to entwine their fingers, and looked down at him like a predator as she rolled her hips languidly against his. Her voice was low and breathy, "But he might be packing heat."

Kaidan groaned, his hips rising to meet hers, his head tilting back. "You…" he hissed, words catching as she pressed into him again. Her tongue darted out, the tip of it touching to the sharp point of her incisor, and she gazed wolfishly down her nose at him. "I think you need to watch out."

"Pretty sure I have this under control," she scoffed. "No Alliance officer is going get me…aghh!" She squealed as he looped an arm around her waist, rolling her sideways, pinning her to the mattress.

"Do you?" Kaidan asked, pushing against her, delighting in the way she gasped. "Because I think you've got a wayward officer lurking around here." Another slow thrust, and she bit her lip. "And he is definitely out for revenge."

He bit at her neck just below her ear, eliciting another gasp. A growling laugh rumbled through his chest as he slid a hand under her shirt, cupping her breast, tweaking the nipple between thumb and forefinger. She tangled her hands in his hair, holding his lips to her throat, her spine arching and pressing herself up into his fingers.

"Hey-" Shepard protested as Kaidan sat back on his heels, withdrawing his hand from her shirt and his teeth from her neck. Her disappointment faded however as she realized he intended to free them from their clothing as he tugged at the elastic of her panties. Shepard brought her knees up, allowing Kaidan to easily slide the underwear away. She wriggled quickly out of her shirt as he pushed off his boxers.

Shed of their clothing, he all but fell onto her once more, one arm snaking beneath her, the other hooking behind her knee and pulling her up to meet him. Shepard cried out as he entered her, her fingers winding into the sheets. Her free hand snaked up over his neck, nails biting into the flesh of his shoulder.

They found a quick, easy rhythm, pressing into one another, never separating by more than a few slick centimeters. She dragged her lips along his jawline, her breath warm and ragged against his skin, soft moans tickling his ear. He turned towards her, catching her mouth with his.

Her movements grew hurried, losing the steady cadence they had developed. Sliding her hand down his spine, she dug her fingers into the curve of his ass, pulling him deeper. With a last, breathy groan she lifted her hips from the bed to push desperately into his, clenching around him as she came, dragging him forcibly with her. He bucked hard against her in a final thrust, a sharp groan expelling from his lungs in a huff of hot air into her shoulder.

Shepard sagged into the mattress, her arm sliding from his shoulders to flop onto the sheets. "I told you," she muttered between panting breaths, "I had that all under control."

With a disbelieving snort of a laugh, Kaidan propped his head up on his elbow, gazing down at her in mild amusement. "Oh did you?" he inquired. "That's not how it looked from my perspective."

"Remind me again," she replied, tapping a finger thoughtfully against her lips, "But who came first?"

Kaidan lifted an eyebrow, pursing his lips. "Touché." He pressed a kiss to her cheek, and another just under her ear, eliciting that giggle that made his heart flutter. "I need to get back down to crew deck and get a shower and a shave," he said, regretfully extricating himself from Shepard's grasp.

"I've got a shower here, you know," she said. She reached out and traced a finger down his spine, the barest hint of a suggestion in her voice. "It's private. And the hot water is a lot more reliable."

With a laugh, he turned and placed his feet on the cold tile floor. "But I need to actually take a shower," he said, standing. He began to gather his clothing from where it had been thrown haphazardly around the room. "Not... you know, make up for lost time."

Shepard huffed dramatically. "Be that way then," she said, tossing off the covers and standing. "I am going to use the private, reliably hot shower up here." She padded nakedly across the room, making Kaidan suddenly fumble with the buttons on his trousers as she passed. It was much easier to dress himself once she was out of sight.

"I'm heading back to medbay," he called as he passed the open bathroom door.

"Good luck," Shepard laughed from within. "I'll meet you outside the airlock in an hour or so?"

"I look forward to it."

Once he was adequately showered, shaved, freshly uniformed and newly re-bandaged by Chakwas, Kaidan made his way to the CIC. His visit to the medbay had gone surprisingly well, the doctor proving to be remarkably un-bothered by Kaidan's late-night escape. She had simply prodded his lymph nodes, looked down his throat and in his eyes, and pronounced that, in her medical opinion, if his wounds could handle such vigorous activity he was probably fine to go about his normal life with a little caution.

Of course she had also gone on to add, "And in my personal opinion, good for you," and a knowing wink. That resulted in a brief, furious fit of blushing on Kaidan's part, but all things considered a bit of friendly goading was better than a full-blown reprimanding.

Shepard of course wasn't yet at the airlock when he arrived. She had a tendency to run late, he had a penchant for turning up early, and so they rarely met anywhere at the same time. He started to dial in the keycode to open the door, figuring he could head out and call a cab, but his plans were foiled by the sound of someone clearing their throat in the cockpit.

As Kaidan watched, the pilot's chair slowly began to turn, eventually revealing the pilot himself. Joker appeared to be doing his best spy-movie villain impression, reclining languidly in his chair, elbows on the armrests and fingers steepled in front of himself.

"You have a good time last night?" the pilot inquired, a little overly-cheerful.

Kaidan glanced sidelong at the lock, half tempted to walk out on whatever this conversation was going to be before it had a chance to really get started. "Yes..." he said tentatively.

"Good, good," Joker replied, nodding. He pursed his lips, carefully scrutinizing Kaidan. "That's really good. I'm happy for you guys."

"Thanks?"

Joker continued to stare over his tented fingers, unblinking eyes slightly narrowed.

"Is this, uh... Is there something else?" Kaidan asked, resisting the urge to shift uncomfortably.

The pilot stared for another long, awkward minute, before finally clapping his palms together and placing his boots on the floor on either side of the chair. Slowly, deliberately he pushed out his chair and approached the airlock, stopping just a hair inside Kaidan's 'personal bubble'- not so close as to be overtly uncomfortably, but just close enough to be noticeable.

Kaidan had never really noticed, as the pilot had a tendency to slouch on the rare occasions when he wasn't sitting down, but drawn up to his full height, Joker was shockingly tall; easily three or four inches taller than Kaidan. Arms crossed over his chest, almost scowling down his nose, he actually cut a pretty intimidating figure.

"I just want you to know," Joker started, "That this is your one. Your last one. You fuck it up this time, I will personally push you-" he tapped a finger on Kaidan's chest for emphasis- "out of that airlock. Clear?"

"W... What?" Kaidan stammered after a stunned moment. He put his hands on his hips, growing faintly indignant. "You've got to be kidding. You're the one who-"

"Look, I know I basically Jiminy Cricket-ed you oblivious assholes back together," Joker interjected, putting his hands up. "But it's only because I got so tired of both of you whining about it all the time." His voice pitched an octave higher and he waved his hands in mock distress as he continued, "'Oh Jeff, what do I do, Kaidan is just such a meanie, but he's so handsome!' 'Oh Joker, what do I do, I just can't function without Shepard!' Goddamn that shit got old after like a week. I'm not the relationship magician, you know. that's why we have Kelly. Just because you're too stupid to make a move doesn't mean I should be punished with a lifetime of listening to you bitch about it."

"I, well... fair enough," Kaidan ceded with a shrug. "That doesn't really mean you get to be all threatening big brother about it."

"Oh, but it does," Joker corrected him. "See, thing is, I only pushed you in that direction because I knew she would be cool with it. If she didn't want you on the ship, you wouldn't've even been let on. If she didn't want you... well, you, she would have probably broken your jaw in the mess a couple weeks back. For whatever reason that I won't probably ever understand, she wants you around. And I, as offical shipboard BFF, have a responsibility to support her relationship choices."

Kaidan was quiet as he contemplated that, and started to form a response until Joker hushed him and continued, leaning even closer.

"That all being said, I swear on every god, goddess and whatever else this galaxy has, I will space your ass without a second thought if you ever speak to her like you did on Horizon or in the comm room again," he finished, with absolutely no hint of lightheartedness in his words.

There was a thick silence, Kaidan staring in shock at the steely-eyed scowl on the pilot's face. His jaw worked for a moment as he tried to formulate words- an apology? A biting retort? He had no idea, it was clear Joker meant business- until suddenly Joker's lips trembled and pressed together in barely-contained mirth. That mirth quickly burst forth in a fit of laughter, actual tears forming in the corners of the helmsman's eyes as he bent double and put his hands on his knees.

"Oh, my... shit, man, you should have seen the look on your face," he wheezed, straightening and clapping a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "Dude I'm just fuckin' with you, okay? Shepard can take care of herself. She doesn't need me to fix her shit."

A nervous laugh bubbled out of Kaidan's throat, for he wasn't sure Joker was kidding at all. "You got me good," he said. "Official shipboard BFF, though?"

"Hey, it's true. Don't be jealous, I'm your friend too," Jeff shrugged. "I just like her better."

"Of course you do," Shepard said brightly, appearing at the pilot's elbow. She winked at Kaidan. "I'm way prettier than he is."

"Well that just goes without saying," Joker shrugged. He turned around, assuming his usual shuffling slouch back to his chair. "You kids have fun. Don't do anything I would do."

Anderson did an honest-to-God double take when they walked in. He glanced up from his desk, muttered an irritated greeting at Shepard, looked back to his work and then sat up straight, frowning impressively when he realized Kaidan was also in attendance.

"Alenko," the admiral said tightly. He looked from Shepard, to Kaidan, then back to Shepard. "I was only expecting you."

"Yeah, thought you might want your missing Spectre back, though," she shrugged.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Anderson shook his head. "I suppose I should just be grateful he isn't dead." He waved his hand at the two chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat."

Kaidan obliged. Shepard, of course, did not. Rather than address it, Anderson forged ahead.

"Three weeks." The admiral folded his hands on the desk before him, his face arranging itself into the sternest gaze Kaidan had ever had the misfortune to see. "I haven't gotten an official report from you in three weeks, Commander," the admiral continued, the slightest pinching of his brow somehow causing the look to increase exponentially in disapproval. "I've come to expect this sort of thing out of her—" he jerked his chin towards Shepard, who was now picking through the bookshelf against the opposite wall –"but I thought better out of you, Alenko."

"I can explain," Kaidan started, despite a distinct lack of confidence in his own ability to bullshit.

"That won't be necessary," Anderson interrupted. "I don't know, and at this point don't particularly care, what you two were doing. You had one job, Kaidan, and that was to keep her out of trouble."

"All due respect, sir," Kaidan said wryly, "But that was a failing mission from the minute you handed it down."

With an exasperated roll of his eyes Anderson sat back in his chair, rigid professionalism quickly forgotten. "I know," he said wearily. "God help me, I know. Trouble follows her like stink on an elcor."

"I'm pretty sure it's the other way around," Kaidan mused. "She'd be the stink."

Shepard turned away from the bookshelf to narrow her eyes at them. "I'm right here," she said, frowning. "I can hear both of you."

"Good," Anderson said, louder, crossing his arms. "What the hell were you thinking, disappearing like that?"

"I was thinking that Cerberus had a bunch of clones of me," Shepard shrugged. She glanced back at the bookshelf, plucking up a little ceramic… something vaguely elephant shaped, turning it over in her fingers. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems like something we don't want lurking around the galaxy."

"Whatever the purpose," he said tightly, unable to argue directly with her reasoning, "You can't just hare off into the night like that without telling me, first. You are really trying my patience with this one."

"Yeah I've never done that before," Shepard smirked, setting the little elephant- elcor?- back in its place on the shelf. "Look, I'm sorry, I know we're one poorly timed fart away from a full-scale galactic incident with the Hegemony, but I didn't skip my court date. I'm technically a free agent, and a Spectre-"

"This is serious, Elizabeth!" Her first name cracked across the room like lightning, followed by a terrible silence. Shepard went rigid, holding Anderson's angry gaze. Anything even remotely resembling good humor evaporated, as she pressed her lips into a thin line and her brow tightened.

Kaidan, feeling exactly as though he was caught in a private family argument, did his best to vanish into the upholstery of his chair. Thankfully both Anderson and Shepard seemed to have forgotten his presence.

"Get as angry as you want at me," Anderson continued. "It won't change anything. You may be accustomed to a certain level of autonomy, but the Alliance doesn't give two hot shits about that. As far they're concerned, you're not a free agent. You're a deserter at best, and a human-supremacist terrorist at worst."

She started to protest, and was easily quieted by severe wave of Anderson's hand. "Quiet. For ten goddamn minutes, Shepard, you need to listen and not smart off. I'm not the bad guy here. The only reason the Normandy has been allowed to operate, until recently, was that Hackett prohibited the fleet from investigating or apprehending you, and I stopped anyone going over his head. But at this point, even our influence will not keep you safe with the entire Hegemony screaming for blood. Do you understand the severity of this situation? Do you know what's waiting for you?"

"Oh, I'm well aware," Shepard replied flatly. "Somewhere on Earth, there's a media circus brewing around a sham trial, at the behest of the government of a neighboring system we aren't even remotely friendly with. All because everyone's either too scared or too stupid to pay attention to the fact that there's a massive army of incomprehensibly powerful machine-gods on their way here. Just because I slammed the door on them doesn't mean they arent looking for the nearest window."

"The flippancy is very rapidly becoming tiresome," Anderson ground out through clenched teeth.

Shepard huffed a sigh, and pressed her palms into her eyes. "I'm sorry," she muttered.

"Sorry isn't going to cut it." Standing, the admiral crossed around his desk and approached the commander. "The Hegemony doesn't care about the Reapers. They don't care about the Citadel, they certainly don't care about Sol system, and they don't care about the actions of one human. They only care about the relay that detonated in one of their systems, and consequently wiped out every nearby batarian colony." He had reached Shepard, still standing near the bookcase. Anderson's tone had softened considerably, though was still a far cry from sympathetic. "The Hegemony wanted a public execution, Shepard. They were going to go to war over it, and we had to call in every favor we had to bargain them down to a trial."

"You didn't have to do that," Shepard said, though her protests were becoming weaker. "I could have-"

"We did," Anderson insisted. "And I would do it again. You're the most valuable asset we currently possess, should the Reapers make an appearance. Which means you're smart enough to understand why, now, we need to put on this charade for the batarians."

With a resigned shake of her head, Shepard looked down at the tile. "No, I understand. Trust me, I understand. We have a war with the batarians now, the Reapers will roll us that much faster when they do show up."

"I don't want it any more than you do," Anderson said, putting a reassuring hand on Shepard's shoulder. "It's going to be a complete nightmare."

"Then maybe you can understand why I took off without warning," the commander murmured.

"I never said I didn't," Anderson shrugged.

"It's just... this is probably my last couple months of anything resembling normalcy. Pulling me into dry dock, dropping a Spectre babysitter on me- no offense, Kaidan," she called over Anderson's shoulder.

"None taken," Kaidan chuckled, internally glad for the shift in mood that seemed to be taking place. "It's true."

"It was stifling. So I see a chance for one last hurrah, I'm going to take it," she continued. "I'm sorry it was such a shitstorm for you here, I didn't intend to fuck up your day by it."

"Child," Anderson chided, affection creeping into his voice, "Just because I disapprove doesn't mean I don't understand. Twenty years ago, put in your position, I would have done the exact same thing. The problem isn't that you went, it's that you didn't tell me."

"Feeling left out, old man?" Shepard teased.

"Hey, now," he scolded, "Take it easy on the 'old man' stuff. I can get around if I really need to."

"That wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought it was going to be," Kaidan said, relieved, as they walked back to the Normandy.

Shepard nodded in reply. "Yeah, Anderson's not so hard to work under. He's a hardass, but he's an understanding hardass."

"It helped he spent most of the time focusing on you."

"Yeah, yeah. You took the literal bullet, I'll take the figurative one," she mused.

Kaidan laughed, and caught her hand in his. "Hey, Shepard," he said, slowing.

She twined their fingers together and glanced back with a murmured, "Yeah?"

"Go out with me tonight."

They had stopped walking, and stood beneath one of the ethereal trees so popular on the Council floors. "Out?" she inquired, testing the word. "Like, on a..."

"Like on a date. A real one," he prodded. "For all the drama, we've never actually had a real one, you know."

"Oh I know." She appeared to contemplate the very concept of 'date' for a moment, chewing her bottom lip. After a long moment, wherein Kaidan had to do his best not to appear desperate, a smile split her face. "Of course."

"Oh thank god," he breathed. "I thought you were going to say no for a minute there."

"Perish the thought," she scoffed. "I could never say no to those big brown puppy eyes."