Goodbye

What do you do when all you fight for is gone?

Hayley was late. Once again. She took her time to have breakfast, something I really hated. I had told her lots of times, but she never listened. She had to go to school, but she was thinking of going to bed instead. At seven o' clock, everybody should be sleeping, not awake.

-Where's my blue t-shirt?

-I threw it away. It was dirty and really old. Besides, you have lots of t-shirts.

-Mom! It was my favorite. - She was 15, so everything she did, even unconsciously was complaining. She complained about everything. That and dressing in a non-appropriate way for her age. - What do I put on now?

I sighed. I wasn't interested in fashion, but she was. In primary school, she didn't care about clothes or make up. She used to wear tracksuits every day. But in secondary school, it became everything to her. She was popular, so she was the trend-setter. She was always buying new clothes, to be trendy. I really didn't care. As long as she didn't dress in really tiny clothes, that showed everything off...

While I was having a coffee, she dressed up. When I saw her, I couldn't stop smiling. She was really beautiful. Her long, thick, curly, brown hair was pinned up in a ponytail and she was wearing a plaid t-shirt, black jeans, brown sneakers and a black blazer. She was stunning.

When I got into the car, she was already there, trying to turn on her music. David Guetta, Rihanna… dance music at 7.30? Really?

-Hayley, if I were you, I wouldn't do that. I'm not in good mood today, it's half past seven and I'm tired. Do you think I want to hear dance music right now?

-But mom… it's just a few minutes.

-Exactly. That's the point. It's only a few minutes. You've got your iPod, so I don't have to listen that horrible music you like.- and I connected my iPod to the radio and suddenly, That's What You Get, my favorite song, started.

-Mom, I don't like Paramore. Can you change the song, at least?

-Nope.

-Mom… please, please, please

-HAYLEY, STOP IT!

And, thankfully, she hushed. She was surprised, I guess. I'd never yelled at her. And, by the way, it worked. She turned her mp4 on and left me alone.

Once she was in school, I turned the volume up and started to sing while I was driving.

I went to the grocery store, bought some food and when I got home, I drank a beer. It was 10 o'clock and I was already stressed. I sat on the couch and started to think about what happened a few hours ago. Why did I yell at Hayley? She didn't do anything. I regretted yelling at her. She was my daughter, I loved her. She was the most important thing in my life. She was my light. Well, she and my husband, Edward. But, sometimes she could be really annoying too.

I turned on the TV. An old series I used to watch when I was a teenager was being televised. I watched three full episodes. But a preview of the news came out. A man had gotten into a school with a gun and killed an entire class.

I shivered. I thought of their families, of their friends. What would they do now? How can someone do that to innocent boys and girls?

There was a correspondent in the school. It was big, with blue walls, just like…

I started to suffocate. I couldn't breathe. My hands were shaking and my heart started beating faster.

It was Hayley's school.

My mobile phone rang. That's what you get when you let your heart win. I drowned out all my sense with, the sound of its beating. The lyrics of the song hit me hard, in my chest. The phone was ringing and I knew who was in the other side of the line. I turned off the TV and sat on the floor while the phone rang and rang… I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here. 'Cause I burned, every bridge I ever built when you were here.

I don't know how much time I lied there, looking, but not seeing anything at all, while my heart broke again and again. Like a lost soul burning in hell forever. It was the first time I felt like that. I was in the room physically, but not emotionally.

The phone rang again. I answered. It was the school's headmaster.

-Isabella, hello. I'm Sonya.

-…..

-Bella, are you there? Are you alright?

-….

-Okay, I'll call later. The police is on its way, they want to talk with you. - I could only emit a sound similar to a heavy, loud breathing when I tried to say something and the words got stuck in my throat.

While the first tears showed up in my eyes, and rolled down my cheeks and I was drowning in my own tears, I stood up.

I broke the frame of the pictures that decorated the living room, where we seemed happy. Happiness that would never exist again, something I would never see again.

I sat on the floor again, exhausted and broken inside, while a sticky liquid ran down my hands and dripped, pooling in the floor. Blood. I had cut myself with the pieces of broken glass. And it didn't hurt, I didn't even notice. I didn't feel anything, like if my nerves where gone, just like my little and fragile daughter, to leave me with those that just hurt my heart, and those needed to keep me sane.

I was so lost, that I didn't notice the police knocking on the door. I was a ghost, in a body I didn't recognize, with red, poufy eyes, swollen, just like my lips. A spirit. A lost soul. Edward opened the door. He had just gotten up.

I didn't heard them speaking. I didn't feel his tears pooling my hands, while he was sitting next to me, holding me, either. I didn't feel anything.

I had talk to that man a few minutes before he got into the school and killed her. My daughter, my love.

When she died, Bella's life died with her. She was alive, but her mind was far, far away. Secretly, she wished to join her.

When Hayley's heart stopped beating, when she drowned in a pool of blood in the school's hall, she took her mom's soul. That and her will to live.