Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock BBC

Summary: De-anon from kink-meme. John was abused as a child, and the scars never quite healed. Part one of five.

Warnings: Discussion of child abuse and alcoholism.

Notes: Another product of my time on the Sherlockbbc kink meme.

Hate

John hates himself when he drinks. He hates the way the alcohol burns so pleasantly down his throat and settles warm in his stomach like heaven. He hates the way it loosens him, undoes his masks and neutralizes his defenses, removing all the barriers that make him safe and good and normal. He hates the monster that lurks just below the surface, cruel but oh so patient.

He'd never even intended to start drinking, but peer pressure could be so insistent and it hadn't seemed like such a bad idea at the time…

John hates himself when he drinks. He hates how it only takes a few bitters and several shots of rum for him to be starting brawls in the pub or on one memorable occasion, wrapping his hands around some unlucky bastard's throat.

Someone stopped him, thank God. But the smell of vodka still makes him nauseous.

John hates himself when he drinks. He hates that with every swallow he's proving how much of a Watson he is.

Harry has it easy. She's a miserable drunken Watson too, but at least she's only a useless drunk, not a violent one.

And she fights it too – sometimes.

It never lasts, though.

He's stopped expecting it to.

John hates himself when he drinks. He hates that no matter what he tells himself or how hard he tries, he is still his father's son.

And even though he hasn't had more than one beer at a time in five years, he knows that all it will take is one slip up and everyone will know the truth. Then they'll see the broken pieces he's spent his entire life trying to bury. He doesn't think he could bear that. He'd rather die.