Epilogue

Two years later…

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The Three Ws

That looks awfully plain. I despise plain. Hmm, maybe I should underline it? But how do I go about doing that? Damn these finicky Muggle thingamabobs. Where is the bleeding button for this fuc—ah. Here it is. That little underlined 'U' button.

I wonder what that slanted 'I' is for?

The Three Ws

Oooh! Fantastic!

And this 'B' button...

The Three Ws

Amazing! Much, much better, if I do say so myself! I'm such a genius.

Anyway. Onwards to my fantastic article.

What are the Three Ws, you ask? Well, the Three Ws is a simplistic list of three words that all begins with the letter 'W.' Quite similar, but far superior to that rubbish 'Five Fs,' it is a guideline for men—but certainly not women; they'll only look desperate doing it—to follow when attempting to attain and keep the woman of their dreams.

The list is as follows:

Wine them

Woo them

Wed them

There are no variations of this list, and should I hear of any such nonsense, I will be most displeased. That is plagiarism. And I will sue the unfortunate bastard that tries to contest me on this fact.

Anyway. So, yes. The aforementioned is my list, my guideline, my 'regime' for those poor sods who aren't good looking enough (like me), smart enough (like me) or charming enough (do I have to say it a third time?) to get the woman they want.

The list is really self-explanatory, and if you need me to further…err…

Explain? No, already used 'explanatory.'

Make clear? Eh. Sounds funny.

I'm very sure I saw Granger use some 'synonym' feature on this the other day—aha! Found it. And she called me moronic for not knowing how to 'Goggle' things. The nerve. Everybody knows how to goggle!

Ok. Clarify…elucidate…expound…explicate—Explicate? Sounds very Granger-ish, all smart-arsey and clever. Perfect.

The list is really self-explanatory, and if you need me to further…explicate…then, you needn't bother using this list. No woman wants an idiot for a bloke. But, because I'm feeling especially generous, I'll…err…elucidate…a bit more.

Wine them: Simple. Carry her out to an expensive restaurant. Preferably one that you own. But she doesn't need to know that you own it. The magic is in the ignorance! Take me, for instance—since I'm the perfect example to the successfulness of this list—I didn't let on that I owned La Bouchee as well. Had she known, she would've learnt of my plans long before I could fully implement them! She's really too smart for her own good…

That went a bit off-track. No matter. I suppose you get the point. I won't waste another keystroke on you.

Woo them: Do everything you can with this one. Touch her as often as you can, kiss her lots, pretend to be her lover to make her ex-boyfriend jealous so that she'll see you're a much better choice (what she sees in annoying sidekicks are really beyond me), orchestrate as much of your time with her—whether by blackmailing her boss or wandering by intentionally so she could notice you—and maybe even pretend to be interested in someone else. Please note that the latter suggestion might backfire. She might assume the worst, and never speak to you again. Tread carefully!

Of course, you don't have to use my suggestions. Yes, they may have worked for me, but inventiveness is always a plus, I suppose. Don't be boring. Women detest boring men.

Wed them: So, the fact that you've managed to get to this point, means that you've done something right. And when I mean you've done something right, I mean you've done exactly what I've suggested you do. Good.

"Draco, I can't believe you packed my laptop for our honeymoon trip, and that you're actually using it. I swear to Merlin if you're not making love to me in the next five minutes I'll divorce you as soon as we get back to Britain!"

However, if you've not managed to wed the woman of your dreams (like I did), then, you're a disobedient, boring, worthless git who rightly deserved the prompt rejection you got when you proposed. Go and do it over the right way—my way! This list is fool-proof. It works!

And I should know, because, I, Draco Lucius Malfoy, have already shown you how it's done.

:)