A/N: Songs I was listening to while writing this chapter:

We Used To Be In Love by Clean Cut Kid
Still Remembering by AS IT IS
If I Believe You by The 1975
Who Do You Love by Marianas Trench (aaaahhh so much heart emojis for this song)

It's the first love lost
Always the one that never quite heals
-Clean Cut Kid

Chapter 12: Wednesday

Mikan Sakura

The nightmares came. They greeted me with open arms like an old friend who used to stab me in the back. It was unexpected, most things in life were usually like that. But I should've known better, I used to be good at anticipating the heavy downfall, the plummet to the ground. This time, it came like a thief in the night and I was not at all prepared for it.

Would dreams still considered nightmares if they were memories I wished to be left forgotten?

Or better yet, never happened?

"We shouldn't have snuck out. My mom's going to kill me," I found myself saying as I looked out the window trying to figure out where we were. I gulped. "Toshiro, we're lost."

Thinking was one thing, actually voicing out my thoughts was another.

"We're not lost," he said. Trying to reassure me, although his eyes said otherwise. "We're adventurers. We don't need a map or a compass." He gave me a quick sideways glance before turning his attention back to the road.

The thing about these nightmares was I was never myself in them. I was a third person, like I was watching it all unfold from a television screen. I've never gotten used to them and I'd probably never will. They'd always be about the accident. Some nights it was a different scene, but always the events that lead to the crash. There was a point when it used to be every single night. It was even worse when I was going through physical therapy. I couldn't focus on getting better because I spent every waking moment replaying what had happened. But time has been kind, or so I thought. As days turned into months, I've had them less.

I woke up disoriented. My heart was beating loud and fast, my skin was hot, and the sheets were drenched in sweat. I blinked, trying to remember where I was and why I felt like I'd just been hit by an eighteen wheeler.

I was on my side and I gradually recognized my study table, the familiar antique pink walls, and my closet.

Dorm room. I'm in my dorm room.

Relief didn't wash over me as I'd first hoped because, a second later, I remembered the dream I had that has been haunting me since the day I opened my eyes on that hospital bed and finding out I was the only one who survived.

I held out my hand. It felt so real.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I've dreamt of Toshiro a few weeks ago, but it was not like this. I've never felt like this in the longest of time.

My head was telling me to get up and do something, anything, but my body wouldn't cooperate. Two years of therapy will not be put to waste, I told myself. But laying there, in the comforts of my bed, I felt like dead weight.

Everything was so heavy and the room was starting to spin.

I shut my eyes, as tight as I could. Who would've thought that an exchange of a few words was the one that triggered it all. Like a badly built house of cards, when one card falls, the entire thing collapses.

'You're not fooling anyone.'

Is that what I've been doing? Were the very foundations of the relationships I've made in this school… built on nothing but lies?

'Weak knees?'

Every time I tried opening my eyes, I saw flashes of color. Somebody had hit the fast forward button and that was what I was seeing and hearing. I curled up in a ball, trying to not let those words win.

'Okay. I'll buy that again.'

But it was too late.

I buried my face into my pillow with both my hands gripping tightly on either side. And with every ounce of my frustration, pain, and confusion, I screamed.

I screamed until they turned into muffled sobs.

I didn't know how long I cried but the next thing I knew, with shaking hands, I was trying to feel for my phone through my sheets, my face still on the pillow, soaked with tears. Once I've located it, I sent a message to my friends that I knew by heart: I wasn't feeling well, they shouldn't worry, and that I'd skip classes.

I tossed my phone aside.

Just for today, I'd let it win.

Natsume Hyuuga

Brownies was usually late but she never skipped classes. Her vacant seat for the entirety of first to third period, begged to differ.

But of course it was true that nothing is unprecedented until it happens for the very first time.

Ruka fell into step beside me in the hallway after the bell rang, signaling the beginning of fourth period.

Lunch.

He hasn't spoken to me since after I told him what I knew about the recent turn of events which wasn't much. Mom only told me the tip of the iceberg, she didn't rely any other information. The less I knew, the better, she said. Before I went back to school yesterday, she wrapped me in a warm embrace, not having to see her in nearly a month, and reminded me not do anything stupid, let the authorities to their job, and not tell a word to Aoi. It was easier said than done.

We were nearing the dining hall when Ruka spoke.

"You're worried about Mikan. You kept on glancing at her table as if she'd magically appear."

I glanced at the blond but said nothing.

"You think you're the reason why she didn't show up to class."

I continued to ignore him.

Ruka shrugged. He was used to my lack of responses. "Which is a reasonable reason since you've said pretty nasty things to her last night and she probably doesn't want to see your face."

"Shut it, Ruka."

"Oh, good," he said in a tone I rarely heard him use. Sarcasm. "I thought for a second I was invisible or you had me on mute or something."

"Or something," I chose. "I don't regret what I said to her."

A pause. "You should."

"Why are you defending her? You hardly know her."

"We hardly know her. You were in no position to say what you've said to her last night."

I narrowed my eyes at him. When did he start getting good at comebacks? He's been hanging out with Imai too much.

"What I don't understand is," Ruka said, both of his hands in his pockets as he carefully dodged the students going the other way. "Why you spent so much time trying to catch Mikan's attention but the moment she caught it, you push her away?"

"I was not trying to catch her attention," I said a little too quickly. Ruka noticed it too, it was written all over his face.

I was given a pointed look. "Do you want me to enumerate the number of times you did so?"

"No."

Apparently, 'no' meant 'yes' to Ruka. "First, you didn't return her laptop right away." He held up one finger. "Which was very stupid of you," he added.

"Which is why I returned it already," I countered.

Ruka nodded. "Has she talked to you about it?"

"No."

"Is that why you're bitter?"

Bitter?

"You're choice of words is profound."

He held up two fingers, ignoring my comment all together. "Second." He faked a cough. "I'm Natsume Hyuuga," he said in his worst impersonation of myself. "And I'm si-"

"Ruka, stop trying to be my voice of reason. It doesn't suit you."

"Well I guess your real voice of reason has given up on you because you're making a lot of wrong decisions and I have to take its place." His shoulders fell and he sighed. "Just talk to her."

"Brownies is the least of my problems right now."

"I wasn't asking you to rank your problems from least to greatest," He interjected. "A problem is a problem. You know you caused this. Just because it's at the very bottom, doesn't mean it should be ignored."

I had to stop walking as I took in the words Ruka had just spoken. "When the fuck did you turn into Albus Dumbledore?"

"Damn," Ruka laughed, causing others to look in our direction. He pushed open the dining hall doors and I followed. "You both even make terrible Harry Potter references."

Ruka went to look for Koko and the others, since he brought his own food, while I stood in line to grab a grilled cheese sandwich. At the very last second I saw that they were serving ramen so I opted for the noodles instead.

I scanned the hall, they weren't hard to find. They were usually the loudest group.

Koko waved his arms. "Natsume! I managed to get the best table!"

By best table he meant one of the conference looking ones because it could fit a dozen of people. There were only four in the hall, the others were the typical small round tables. And everybody has lunch for fourth period, so this place gets packed fast. Koko has made it his senior mission to always get this table during lunch. It was our last year in the Academy, he said, we should spend as much time with the others who weren't in the same class as ours. So far, he's only managed to get this table a handful of times.

I placed my tray down and my eyes wandered to where Brownies usually sat when we were at this table. Apparently I wasn't the only one.

"I wonder where Mikan is," Sumire voiced as I took my seat. "She wasn't in class either."

"You got ramen? Can I have some?" Koko who was seated in front of me asked, his chopsticks ready.

"No. Get your own."

"You didn't get her text?" I heard Nonoko ask. "She said she's not feeling well."

"She sent a text?"

"Yeah, Anna got one. You too, Hotaru, right?"

Imai, who had a mouthful of sushi, nodded.

Sumire sighed, defeated. She pushed her tray, losing her appetite. "Damn. She is mad at me." I raised my head at her words and saw everyone at the table, even Kitsuneme and Mochu who were seated at the far end, was now tuned in to what she was about to say.

"We got into an argument," she explained. "Yesterday morning."

"Have you talked to her since?" Anna asked.

"I was going to. Before classes started."

"What was it about?"

Sumire shook her head, not wanting to explain any further.

"It'll be fine," Anna said, her tone all understanding. "She isn't the type to hold grudges." Anna gave her a reassuring smile as she pushed Sumire's tray back to her. "Now, eat."

Mikan Sakura

I've been staring at the ceiling for hours now. I was almost sure I knew how many cracks it had (I was leaning towards twenty one). There was also an annoying mosquito flying around desperately trying to suck my blood. I had my earphones on and had one song on repeat, thinking it would help calm my nerves. The song was probably making it worse. I should try listening to happier songs, maybe that would do the trick.

I felt better, not okay, not worse, but better.

My bladder was shooting curses at me but I've been putting off going to the bathroom for reasons even I couldn't understand. I tried to recall the last time I wet my bed and if seventeen was an acceptable age to still do so.

Probably not.

I forced myself in a sitting position and swung my legs to the edge of the bed. Without even thinking about it, I stood and headed to the bathroom.

"Crap!" I shrieked as I lost my balance and fell face first to the hardwood floors.

The pain from the fall didn't even register because I was too preoccupied at telling myself I was an idiot. I bent my knees and pushed myself up. Once I was standing again with my hands on the wall to steady myself, I made my way to the bathroom.

After I relieved my bladder, I closed the toilet's lid and sat on it. I rested my head on my hands with my elbows on my thighs and stayed in that position for a couple of minutes. I was starting to get dizzy, probably from dehydration. It was already half past two in the afternoon. I've skipped breakfast and lunch.

Okay. Food and lots of water.

This was a good sign. This was progress. I was aware I was hungry and thirsty. My doctor would be so proud.

Before exiting the bathroom, I dared to look at my reflection in the mirror and hardly recognized myself. I hurriedly went back to my room to change into clean clothes. I sat on the edge of my bed and finally remembered to fix myself up. I opted for shorts since I hardly wore them outside the confines of my bedroom. Classes didn't end in another hour, so Hotaru wouldn't be back until then.

Hotaru and I went grocery shopping last weekend and I bought a lot of instant ramen. They were probably super unhealthy but I could care less. I was about to boil some water in a pot when I realized how hungry I actually was. I returned the instant ramen to the pantry and decided to make a sandwich instead.

I was on my second glass of water and was in the middle of making my third cheese sandwich (don't judge) when, out of nowhere, I recalled what had happened when I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror a while ago. I didn't recognize myself for a second, like I was staring at a stranger.

I hurriedly grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, thanking Hotaru she had those laying around everywhere in the dorm.

I am a stranger to myself, I started to write down fast, fearing the words would leave me if I didn't put them on paper. I continued, When I am alone, I either feel too much or nothing at all.

Minutes later I reread my finished work. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't the best, but at least it's out there. I breathed out, feeling relieved. I knew this was something I wouldn't submit or post for publication. This one, I was keeping to myself.

I am a stranger to myself. When I am alone, I either feel too much or nothing at all. It is something that I try and fail to shake off. It is an annoying shadow, a never ending tapping sound, a thief in the night. At times it is sudden. At times I hear its footsteps coming closer long before it even arrives. My heart can win a marathon at how fast it beats at night when all thoughts consume my existence as I lay awake until I am too exhausted to think. I like to say that I've mastered the art of faking a smile. Quite easy, actually, I could show you how. It is disguised in colorful paintings, in the corniest of jokes, in a single sigh.

I have this nagging feeling that I have an entire stadium full of people just waiting for me to crumble and they're getting what they want.

But I can't let them.

For I am stronger than this.

I better be.

At the very top of the paper I wrote, Pastels and Grays. I folded the paper in half and tucked it inside the back pocket of my shorts.

Natsume Hyuuga

Yuu Tobita, Alice Times' managing editor, handed a folder to me when I entered the staff room that afternoon once classes were over. The words For Approval were written on it. "For Arts and Entertainment," he explained as he adjusted his glasses. "Mr. Narumi already left notes on 'em."

I divided my desk into three sections. Approved, Archived, and To Proofread.

Most of the articles for Arts and Entertainment were about the latest movie or book reviews, prose, poetry, a bunch comic strips and artworks. I was quickly going through each and every one of them, reading Narumi's notes, when one caught my attention. It wasn't because Brownies wrote it. It was because Narumi filled it with doodles of stars. I swear, that teacher forgets his place at times.

Makeshift Stars
by: Mikan S.

At the top of your apartment building, the city stretched on before our very eyes. I wanted to see the stars but the night sky was not clear, so you brought me up here and told me to imagine the city lights were stars.

The silence that followed was comforting as the back of our hands were brushing against each other. It was almost midnight when all the city lights suddenly went off but returned a heartbeat later.

Maybe I was seeing things so I looked at you and asked, "Did all the lights just went off and came back right after?"

You took this into consideration. "That," you agreed and turned to smile at me. You grabbed my hand, gave it a gentle squeeze and returned your gaze to our makeshift stars. "Or maybe we both blinked at the same time."

I placed her work on Approved.

Mikan Sakura

I was kneeling down on the floor, rummaging through my duffel bag inside the darkness of my closet. Once I found what I was looking for, I shook the tiny bottle, checking if there were any left. It rattled. I took one tablet out and placed it under my tongue.

I crawled back to my bed and waited for sleep to devour me.

A/N: I'll update the soonest! Please leave a review and tell me what you think!

All the love,
Vanilla Coated Love (7/16/17)