It's funny, really. She doesn't know why she misses him. Not really. He's right there, isn't he? Sure, he's changed a bit – well, a lot – but he's still himself.

Still the Doctor.

Right?

She can still see bits of the old him, scattered in his movements, his words. She can still see his anger.

Sometimes, she wonders what happened in his past to make him so angry.

She never asks, though. Not really.

She pieces together enough from what he says, and doesn't say, to make her want to forget it. She knows she can never truly understand why he's so angry, not unless the same thing happens to her. She prays it will never happen to her.

So she pushes it out of her mind, to the place that remembers the Doctor is not human, and he can't spend the rest of his life with her.

It's a small part of her mind. Sometimes things get out.

She likes to think he would spend the rest of his life with her, if he could. It's wishful thinking, she knows.

She knows he cares about her, of course. It's obvious. She's not sure he loves her, though. Not the way she loves him. So she never asks. She couldn't handle the heartbreak. She knows her own limits, and either answer would break her.

If he would, she'd have to live knowing he can't. If he wouldn't, well… it would break her heart. Her heart has been broken before, but she hadn't been this much in love before.

She knows her own limits.

And it's not as if she's unhappy. Far from it, actually. She's having the time of her life, traveling, seeing the stars, going on adventures. She's learning to live life to the fullest. She's learning to be a better person, and she loves every second (even the ones when she thinks she's going to die). And it's only moments like these, lying in bed, trying to sleep, that she thinks things like these. It's only moments like these when she really misses him. The first Doctor she met, the one with fire in his veins and thunder in his voice. Because it's not like he's gone, really. He's still here. He's just different, that's all. A bit happier, maybe. Hopefully. She hopes she's helped, at least a little. Still, she can't help but wonder what it would have been like to travel with a happier version of the Doctor she first met.

She tries not to think about this as well. Because, really…

It's daft to miss someone who's not even gone.