He found her standing against the lockers…
Looking small and forlorn and dejected and he knows right away that once again she's had her heart broken…
"Fuck Finn Hudson…"
The thought came to his mind unbidden…
He knows that it's not his business and that he should not be meddling in matters that do not even concern him, but somehow he can't help his inexplicable desire to want to punch something every time he sees Rachel alone, broken and hurting…
He looked at her slumped shoulders…
Her eyes fixed to the ground as she tried her best not to cry, barely even aware that he was standing in front of her, watching …
"Is something wrong, Berry?"
She lifted brown, soulful eyes that stare right up at him…
A world of pain mirrored in their depths which she tried to hide with a smile and he can't do anything else but offer her his arm and ask her to walk with him…
Even though he knows that that would not be enough …
That HE isn't enough…
But somehow, it was all the comfort he can offer…
He remembers the time when he left Glee Club for the football team and she broke up with him on the bleachers…
He felt so fucking heartbroken…
The pain of her rejection sitting sharp within his chest and yet he pretended he felt nothing…
He told her "it's cool, I'm going to break up with you anyway" even if what he really wanted to say was "Don't leave…"
The next day when they saw each other in the hallway, he threw a cherry slushie in her face even if what he truly wanted to do was to make her take back her words because he thinks that THEY should at least get some kind of freakin' chance… …
And she just whispered "You're more than this, Noah…"
And in those few uncertain seconds when she was just dripping colored liquid and he was holding an empty cup, her words echo in his head and he thought that maybe, he should have never let her go and perhaps he should have fought for her…
He wondered if this was also how Rachel felt right now…
If she was as pained and as desperate as he was during that time and he also wonders if there was a small part of her that was a little hopeful about feelings that she knows existed but which she is trying her darnedest best to deny…
She finds him helping out his mom at the JCC one time…
He was wearing a pink, flowered apron and serving soup to the homeless and when she asks why, he says "Just paying my dues as a Jew and cleansing my soul a little so that I wouldn't burn in the pits of hell…"
A smile creeps into her face, and Puck is again pleasantly surprised at how little gestures move her, when grand displays do not.
She reaches out a hand to his cheek, and his breath hitches before he realized that she is just removing a smudge of flour from his face.
"Better be careful, being nice will ruin your image of badassness…."
He chuckles.
"As long as I rock this mohawk, no one can question my being a badass…"
He says instead.
There was a twinkle of mischief in her eye, and for a moment, he wonders if she's flirting with him as she looked up at him with her head tilted.
He doesn't wonder long though, because he burned his hand on the soup kettle and he lets out a loud yelp before muttering a soft curse under his breath…
She bursts out laughing…
Loudly…
Genuinely…
And he can't help but laugh with her…
Her laughter is a sound that touches him in a way that not even the sound of his guitar can and it thrills him to think that he is the one eliciting it out of her.
She is a girl who puts her heart into everything she does, sometimes in ways that absolutely defy dignity, and that is just one of the many reasons she is more real to him than any other girl he knows, including Quinn, even if she was the mother of his child.
It is at that moment… That mundane, ridiculous moment, when he watches her doubled over with laughter and he was laughing with her when he realizes that Rachel Berry is the girl he can't live without.
Christmas passed. She pretends that she has moved on, but she can trick everyone except him.
He has caught her staring at Finn not one too many times as if willing him to look at her instead, rather than Quinn.
Each day, she watches him… Waiting for him to throw her a glance, a crumb of a smile…
He knows it is him she thinks about whenever she sings a song or when she's quiet, spacing out in front of her locker…
When she turns to him, she will put on this giant, fake smile as if nothing was wrong but it never seem to quite reach her eyes…
And yet, he smiles back…
Because just like her, having her attention thrown his way, even if just barely, is still enough to make him feel happy despite how heartbreaking his day had been…
He never reveals much about his life, always careful about what he allows others to see. This is because he believes that people who share too much end up hurt and vulnerable and Fuck, if he'd ever end up like that…
But with her, opening up is easy, effortless and safe, and he finds himself wanting her to know more about his life and who he is.
"So you love country I see… I would have taken you for a heavy metal/alternative kind of guy rather than one who favors songs about broken hearts and what could never be…."
Her smile takes a mischievous turn. "I wonder if I should tell Mr. Schu so that he could make you sing achy, breaky heart?"
He smirks, and instead of replying, he promptly stands up to look at her threateningly….
She yelps and tries to run away, and soon, they were duking it out on her carpeted floor, armed with makeshift pillow shields, playing a game of tag like little children.
It ends up with him pinning her down on her bed.
Just like always… With her, giggling uncontrollably, her eyes dancing with mirth until she sees the hot desire blazing in his eyes and then she'd straighten up and pull away…
"Let's practice?" she'd ask in a voice that's meant to be casual but the trembling in her hands would always betray how she is affected by his nearness just as much as he is with hers…
And he would pick up his guitar and ride along with her and they'd pretend that nothing went on until the next time it happens again…
He doesn't mind…
Pretending?
Because she is as real as it gets and even if he loses himself, in moments like these, somehow it doesn't even seem to matter…
Watching her sing that song at Regionals had been a bitter pill to swallow.
He knows she obviously meant it for Finn and in part he was happy that at least she's finally finding the words to tell him how she really feels but on the other, it makes his heart ache to see how much she's still hung up on someone who obviously will make her cry again…
Still, he can't stop her…
He knows she still loves him…
He hugs her against him when they were announced as winners and she was ecstatic and beside herself with joy as she jumped up and down and threw her arms around his neck…
You don't have to get it right because to me you can do no wrong…
Your good is not just good enough… it's fucking perfect…
She does cry again as expected…
Hidden in the shadows of that darkened stage as Mercedes sings her song and as she watches Quinn lay her head on Finn's shoulder…
He doesn't see the tears in her eyes but he didn't have to…
It was in the way his heart twisted and in the way he felt his gut wrench just watching her…
And he wishes he can make everything better…
He watches as she stood in front of the whole Glee Club in the choir room while Santana insults her…
She had her head bowed and her face averted and he watches her flinch with every word that the goddamn bitch says…
He wished at that moment that he was a girl so he can fucking slap her…
And that fighting is allowed in school so that he can punch Finn at the same time in the face because he doesn't even defend her…
He doesn't approach Rachel, at least not right away…
He knows that she has all these insecurities about this freakin' unbelievable notion that she's not pretty, and he knows that she was embarrassed and that she needs space.
He watches as she puts her books in her locker…
Watches as she grimaced at the mirror that hangs on its door before she took it down and shoved it way more forcefully than needed behind her extra sweaters…
He follows her as she walked to the parking lot…
His footsteps heavy on the pavement as he watches her try to disappear from the crowd and to make herself appear as small as possible.
For a fleeting moment, he feels an urge to hunt Finn down…
Drag him here, and make him watch her cry.
He wants to tell him,"Fuck you! Where do you get off your high horse telling her that it is not about Santana when the girl makes her feel this miserable about herself?"
The urge to make her smile again is greater, however. So he stays hidden, and he watches, and he waits.
She fishes for her car keys in her backpack and she wipes her eyes.
He knows talking it out is the last thing she needs, so he goes for another approach.
"Hey Rach… I need some help with that song I picked for our assignment"
he tells her… putting his hand in his pockets as he tried to look casual hoping that it helps make him appear as if he couldn't care less…
"Just thought I'd ask you since you're the best singer and most talented in the group and all…."
He mumbled like it was an afterthought and as he saw the small smile that appeared on her face, he can't help but feel his heart swell because he knows he did the right thing…
They were at her house and she sits in front of her dresser…
He was sitting on her bed and strumming on his guitar and they just sit there across each other lost in a comfortable kind of silence…
She started humming a tune…
One that was vaguely familiar but which he couldn't place until she started singing it in earnest and then he realized that it was a song that was about love, loss and pain…
It's easy to tell me, exactly what I should be… Your perfect picture of me
I'm sorry excuse me, won't live the life that you led, your words doing nothing but just messing up inside my head…
His hands pause on his guitar and his gaze unconsciously land on hers from the mirror of her vanity table…
It would be better … if you just hold me and show me that you cared
It would be easier… If you just love me and show me that you're there…
He stood up and hovered beside her… not exactly knowing why but feeling like he should just be closer to her…
Once the song had finished, she gave him a wan smile and after several minutes of uncomfortable silence, she finally speaks…
"I told him that girls like me don't get chosen over girls like Quinn and Santana all the time…"
He closes his eyes and breaths deeply, willing himself to quell the anger rising within him at how much of a douchebag Finn is for breaking her heart over and over...
Puck wrapped an arm around Rachel's shoulder, and pulled her close. It hurts him to see her hurting.
"Will you be okay?" he asks, even though he already knows the answer.
It doesn't take long for her tears to fall.
Again.
For the umpteenth time.
Her trembling hands drop the hairbrush she was holding, and came to clutch around his waist instead.
She doesn't cry quietly—her tears came in loud, heartbreaking sobs. So palpable is her pain that it seems to spill out of her in waves, inflicting him with it, so much that he feels his own heart grieve.
He can do nothing more, except hold her tight, and curse Finn for breaking her this way.
Her sobs settle down after a while. Still, he doesn't let go, and she doesn't ask him to.
Instead, she slowly moves to rest her cheek against his stomach…
He hesitates, but only for a fleeting moment. Despite himself, a surge of happiness bursts through him as he realizes the depth of her trust- and just how much she needshim.
He puts his hand at the back of her head caressing her hair and comforting her with his touch and she looked up at him with those eyes that he can lose himself in and says…
"Stay, Please?"
Like she is drowning, and his presence is the only thing keeping her afloat.
He inhales the scent of her hair, and murmurs "Always," pressing a soft kiss on top of her head…
The notes he strums on his guitar is a familiar one and she slowly began to smile as she hummed along to Sweet Caroline…
In a way, it is THEIR song…
A song that he sang to her in front of the club when he believed he was too cool for school just because he wants to let her know how much he's grown to like her…
As he sings, he thinks of all the things he and Rachel should not mean to each other, though his heart refuses to settle for anything less than hope.
The next day she sings a love song for Finn and Puck played the guitar for her…
In a way, the situation probably sums their little triangle the best…
Always, he is the one in the background while the guy who's not deserving of her once again takes center stage…
He is getting tired…
And he wonders again, for the hundredth time, why it is that he is always the one who's being left…
He hates that star necklace.
Everything it represents is a lie, or so he has tried to convince himself sometimes.
Perhaps not the part where Rachel was a star but the fact that Finn gave it to her while feeding her all that bull about how he won't hold her back and that he's letting her go because she deserves to shine…
A lie.
He wants her to see that Finn just took the easy way out…
He just needed to validate his cowardice with that pathetic excuse because it was obvious how much better she is than all of them combined …
Yes, Rachel was a star…
But if it were him, he would never let her go…
Because she can shine and be with him and he will let her reach her dreams and just be there for her until she fucking GLOWS…
She tries on prom dresses and pose with him while Kurt takes their pictures…
He wonders if this was the closest he can get to being her prom date and to pretending that they're something more than friends as he stand beside her in jeans and sneakers in that crowded department store…
She looks happy, and so does he.
He pushes away the temptation to ask her because all the more he'd end up heartbroken when she looks at him and say no…
"You look beautiful…"
He whispered as they sat on the schools front steps…
Taking a breather and a quiet moment from the prom even for just a moment…
It's true. She had always been the most beautiful thing that ever happened to him and he can't even remember when it all began…
Rachel for him is summer, varying shades of green, his sweet Jewish American princess, and duets that make him feel as if he could fly.
She is determination made human, talent and a source of his confidence….
Because of her, he believed that he could be something more...
That he is not just some loser destined for a life in jail but rather somebody who's talented and worthy of praise…
The stars are particularly beautiful this night. He catches her glancing at him, deep in thought.
He gets the feeling that she's about say something, but he doesn't pressure her to say anything.
"Let's go back in?" she says… dusting the seat of her gown as she turned around to open the schools doorway and just like that she is gone…
Once again, leaving him alone and taking another little piece of his heart along with her as she went…
It hurts.
Watching Finn slowly come back to his senses and realize how much of a good thing he lost when he let Rachel get away…
All he wants is to love her, and make her love him in return.
He can do that now, fight Finn tooth for tooth and pursue her as she falters and struggles to accept him back because she promised herself that this time, she'd put herself first….
But he doesn't.
He knows he can, and sometimes he tries to convince himself that he should, but in the end, he doesn't.
He isn't about to be the one to make her more confused, and if it means keeping his feelings to himself while Finn begs and grovels, he does it, even though a part of him is only too happy to see her say no to him time and time again…
Moreover, he reminds himself that he owes Finn and that takes precedence over petty jealousy.
So he pushes aside his own feelings, and bears his pain alone.
Between his own guilt and the desire to make Rachel happy, he needs to keep trying, needs to stay in his doomed role, even though he just wants to give it up.
He cannot tell if her smile is forced, but her voice is surprisingly calm, almost soothing.
"How long were you sitting in your truck? Your hands are so cold." She takes both of his hands in hers, and warms them.
"It's your heart that is cold right now." The words tumble out of his mouth, and he regrets them immediately. He misses the warmth of her hands the second after they stopped rubbing his. "You don't have to act so strong in front of me," he tells her, his voice coming out harsher than he intends.
She smiles wistfully at him. "It's not acting strong… It's because you're here for me that I can be strong."
"Rachel…"
She stands up before he can reply. "I'll go get some tea."
The next week, Finn confesses her love for her in front of the whole school and words cannot convey the self-loathing Puck feels when he chose to remain silent.
"It's so hard Noah… I want to trust him and believe in him but he broke my heart too many times that I'm just afraid of what will happen…"
"What do you want me to do?"
"I want to forget him, the way he has forgotten me. Make me forget him. Please."
A moment's hesitation was all he needed, before he closed the distance between them, cupping her face in his hands as he kissed her. He was gentle, at first, testing the waters. She didn't resist, and he took it as permission to continue.
He held the back of her neck as he deepened the kiss, tasting her desperation, her broken heart. She held on to him like a lifeline, her hands pressing onto his back, and for some reason, he found himself wishing it would leave marks.
Suddenly, she reciprocated- forcefully, despite the tear stains on her cheek, challenging him to exert his own strength to keep up. The mattress squeaks as they both fell on the bed, fumbling, frantic, desperate.
He had waited for this chance, this moment for the longest time, and to find her here beneath him and yielding to his advances drove all semblance of moral consequence from his mind. And it just wasn't him- she was definitely out of her mind as well, because she didn't push him away; she was letting him touch her in places Finn never even dared, allowing him to slide a hand up her crotch, encouraging him to consume her whole. Her fingers were tangled in his hair, and she murmured her consent against the hollow of his neck, pulling him closer even as he pushed her down so hard they seemed to sink through the mattress.
Every voice in his head screamed at him that this was wrong –so fucking wrong- but he doesn't, couldn't stop, and he never ever wanted to.
He never imagined that it would come to this, nor had he imagined it would be this rough and unrefined- her mouth sliding under his, hands determined to touch every surface of skin, hips crashing at increasingly awkward angles, limbs that wrapped around shoulders and thighs like a hot, tangled mess. He knew that both of them will regret this later on, but that didn't matter to him now. What mattered was that he was here with her, and there was no room for anything else.
He kicked off his pants just as she undid the last of her buttons, and for all his recklessness up to this point, he managed to search her eyes for fear or revulsion on what he was about to do. "There is no turning back, you know this," he said, his voice hoarse with need.
"I know." Her face is the picture of calm determination. "Do it."
He wakes up with a start, sweat meandering down his neck. The room is suddenly hot and humid, and he gulps down mouthfuls of air, his hands unconsciously grabbing fistfuls of his blanket. The dream, that wretched, beautiful dream reels in his mind, images so vivid they flash through his head like a slideshow. He shakes his head, tries to throw off the images off, and that's when he discovers that he is still so so hard it borders on pain.
The shower he takes is almost freezing at four in the morning, but he welcomes it, even as he shivers, goose bumps peppering his skin. He refuses to satisfy himself.
"Do you believe that you can have a soulmate and yet fall in love with a different person?"
She asked him from out of the blue when they were practicing for Nationals and they had a quiet moment when it was only him and her in the auditorium…
He isn't sure how to answer her because fuck if he is used to talking about emotions but he just shrugs and says…
"I don't believe in soulmates… that's a bunch of crap that you use as an excuse when you want to two time someone…"
She rolls her eyes at him…
"Really, Noah… I, for one, believe that you can have a soulmate and yet still fall in love with someone else…"
He lets out a scoff as if he doesn't want to hear the rest but Rachel being Rachel disregards that as she continues talking…
"I love Finn so much and I love how he makes me feel… No matter how much pain we went through or how much he disappoints me, I don't think I can stop if I want to…"
And she turns her head to look at him with a wistful smile on her face…
"But when I think about everything I've been through and how I wished someone was there for me at times when I needed a friend the most, I remember you too… You've always been there for me Noah… Even if you don't even realize it… and maybe I would not have been this strong if it wasn't for you… "
He already knows this, knows it all too well. He forces himself to smile. He thinks of something to say, but comes out blank, because really, what else can he tell her that she doesn't already know?
I love you, a voice inside him replies immediately but after her glowing endorsement of Finn, the time for those three words is not now.
Maybe not ever – but he squashes that errant thought swiftly.
And then…
"I love you too Noah. I love you both, not more than the other, but differently."
Shock robs him of speech.
He wants to cry- whether for happiness or regret, he doesn't know.
He doesn't know what to feel. There are no words to describe his joy upon hearing the words "I love you" from her, yet that same joy is tinged with bitterness, because this isn't the kind of love he wants.
More than anything, he wants to tell her that he loves her the way she loves Finn, but he can't bring himself to say it. So he swallows, and says instead,
"Fuck Rach… what do you want me to say to that? Thank you, I guess…."
He mumbles… the tip of his ears reddening as she smiled at him…
"You're welcome… But there's more…"
She hooked her arms against his in that familiar gesture that was distinctly theirs and she tilted her head to the side as if trying to read him before giving out another blinding smile…
"I don't know why I'm telling you this but I think you ought to know… You gave me the strength to go on and to pursue my dreams and to continue to believe in myself during the times when I felt that I was worthless… "
Her eyes were glistening with tears but she looked so happy as she stared at him…
"I guess what I'm saying is… You are my soulmate Noah… and I could not have asked for a better one…"
The world could end at that very moment, and he wouldn't give a shit...
Love is not all its cut out to be especially when it hurts
Even when she gets back together with Finn, Puck is calm…
The pain in his heart paling in comparison to the happiness in her smile…
He knows she will never be far away from him, that even if she's now once again with Finn, it's him she'll always need.
One day, he tells her silently, If that time comes, You'll return to me and we will make each other whole again.
He watches them hug in the wings of the darkened stage and as her gaze locked with his, he gave her a brave, little smile as he continued to love her from afar...
Song is from THE LILYJETS - PERFECT PICTURE
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