All characters belong to Takanaga Hinako.

Gosh, I think this is the quickest I've ever got something out. And here I was, thinking it would take me forever to write. Then bada-boom, here it is!

Well, it's mostly emotional stuff and very little plot. I suck at plots.

Morinaga is trying not to be too pushy. And Souichi isnt really mad at him, so much as just life in general.

There's so much I want to say here, but I dont know where to begin, so I'll just end the author's rant here and let you read the story.

Tetsuhiro closed the door and almost immediately dropped the obviously fake smile. He stood outside for a while then finally slumped down into a heap, leaning his back against the door, folding his arms around his knees, burying his face, and sobbed quietly.

Souichi hurt so much! It was his fault!

He knew he shouldn't blame himself, but that didn't stop him from doing it. If he didn't pursue his senpai, he wouldn't have fallen in love with Tetsuhiro, would've had a normal life, and would be able to have children. Tetsuhiro didn't think he wanted them that badly. He wasn't even aware of it until he started asking. Their conversations suddenly took unexpected turns towards the subject of kids and Tetsuhiro was unsure what to do. He was gay. He had long since given up the idea of ever having them. But Souichi wanted them so badly!

This was killing him inside. What could he do? He had offered up the option of adopting before when the questions of children first started. Souichi had quietly asked him if he ever wanted kids, then just as quietly admitted he wanted his own. When Tetsuhiro suggested they adopt—when their life was settled of course—Souichi said no. Well, he said "I don't really think so…I'm scared it won't mean the same if they aren't mine." So he didn't push that certain subject any further.

Kanako had suggested they get a puppy or perhaps a bird. Something simple to place their extra attention and affection on. Something to take care of. Something they could share. At first, Tetsuhiro rejected the idea. I have Senpai. That's all I need. And besides, a dog can't take the place of a child. But now he was thinking that any substitute would do. Heck, even a small plant in the window—just something to take Souichi's mind off the impossible.

Tetsuhiro got up and lumbered over to the bathroom. Taking a look at himself in the mirror made him grimace. All his days were spent worrying about and taking care of the love of his life. He hardly had time to take care of himself. His once deep black hair had lost its sheen. His eyes resembled a puppet's in their lifelessness. His lips seemed to contain the most color in his now extremely pale face, holding a soft pink. His body felt heavy and worthless (it couldn't give Souichi what he really wanted, so what use was it?) and mechanical. And although he felt like a walking piece of garbage, he put on a small smile for Souichi. God knows he needed one. However, if his body held the ability his eyes did, Souichi could probably walk straight through Tetsuhiro. Something told him that he wasn't fooling anybody. Not even himself.

Stripping, he stumbled into the shower, turning the water so hot at first that it almost threatened to blister his skin, then placing it at near freezing. He forced himself to stay under it. It was punishment for all the pain of the last few months. He leaned his head on the tiled wall and sobbed again. What in the world could make this right? Souichi had been against the relationship at first. He thought it was against nature. Was it? And now, were they suffering because of that? So many questions flooded Tetsuhiro's head. He wanted all of this to go away. He wanted the pain to go away. He wanted a solution.

Truth be told, he didn't really want children himself. He had grown accustomed to the idea that he would never have any. It was okay with him. He never mentally prepared himself for having a family. And although he was good with kids, he wasn't so sure of his parenting skills. Would the child grow up straight or gay? Would they be picked on? Tetsuhiro had rambled off a list of options for replacement of what they couldn't have. None of them were accepted. But the image of Souichi just lying in that bed, crying his heart out day after day…it was so intolerable.

He started off as being kind of upset about it. Later he grew moody, then angry. But very quickly, that turned into sadness, depression…Now he was throwing up his meals and losing weight so fast it couldn't be healthy. He hadn't been out of the room for a while—only to take showers—and often ignored Tetsuhiro. That was another thing that hurt so much. Tetsuhiro tried so hard for so long to gain his attention. When he got it, he had to try harder to keep it. Then the attention became permanent when he admitted his feelings. Over the years, they had grown closer. Tetsuhiro thought Souichi was past ignoring him. He was just trying to help—gosh, he wanted to help him so bad! He would do anything—cut off his arm if he thought it would make Souichi happy again. He needed sunshine and fresh air. He needed to eat. He needed to let Tetsuhiro in again.

This was his fault.

All his fault.

In the rushing of the freezing water, one could barely hear him whisper, "I'm sorry."