Chapter 1: Silently Smiling.

"Our love was born

Our love was true

Bound to Me

Bound to You

A love too wrong.

Our love not a right.

In strength we do love

As we take on this fight."

He moved across the room slowly, his hands buried in clothes, folding them in an effort to keep busy and calm his nerves. Brad watched intently, his head leaning on the doorframe, as Adam slowly packed each item individually into the open suitcase lying on the bed. The pacing across the room seemed to quicken as Adam moved from one side of the room to the other.

"You're staring at me again" Adam stated, his eyes not meeting Brad's.

"Im trying to memorise you" was the quiet reply from the other side of the room.

A smile tugged at Adam's face as he folded more clothes into his case. "You planning to forget?"

It was a simple phrase, but even that made Brad shift uncomfortably. Adam was going off to the army, on a three month mission somewhere in Iraq that Brad was sure, wasn't on a map. Forgetting was the least of his worries.

"Fuck it, Brad. Talk to me!" Adam finally shouted, breaking the silence. There was no way they were going to spend their last few hours in silence. He wouldn't allow it.

Brad watched as Adam threw the clothes in his hands angrily into his case before sitting down on the bed, his eyes desperately looking up at him. There was a silent invite in his eyes for Brad to join him. But he didn't.

"And say what?" Brad asked, still not moving from the doorframe, "Don't go? Because I could say it a thousand times and know that I'm still going to lose you. This isn't a solo vacation, Adam. You're going to war. And you're basically forced to forget about me for 3 months while I go on and try and pretend you don't exist. Its best to say nothing, then neither of us will get hurt".

Adam tilted his head.

"When do you ever say nothing, Bradley Bell?" There was a slight smile as he said it, but it still didn't pluck one from Brad.

Adam rose from the bed and moved over to him. Part of Brad wanted to move away and not allow Adam to touch him. Maybe if he kept his distance, Adam wouldn't be able to get close enough to hurt him. But that was inevitable.

He felt Adam's hands find his fingers and weave them into his own. His eyes trailed off to the floor.

He didn't want to face goodbye, didn't want to look up and see that face in front of him - and know that in a few hours, that face would be gone. Perhaps forever.

"Hey" Adam said quietly. He moved a hand to Brad's chin and slowly lifted it so that Brad's catlike eyes were focused on his. He could see the tears brewing behind them, the desperation almost.

Adam knew Brad wanted him to stay. He didn't want him to go off to war. They both knew what war meant, and the laws of the country didn't make it any easier. But it was something he had to do, something he wanted to do. There was no backing out now, even if he wanted too.

"Its ganna be okay" Adam told him, before enveloping his partner in a hug, his head resting on Brad's shoulder and his hands massaging up and down his back.

"What if you don't come back?" the quiet voice of Brad asked him.

Adam drew back and stared his boyfriend right in the eyes.

"I will come back" he wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself or Brad but he felt that his tone was confident, even if he didn't feel it.

"You don't know that" Brad told him quietly, his gaze once again falling to the floor.

"No. I don't. But I know in my heart that You do. I don't know how its going to be. All I know is they're not allowed to ask and im not allowed to tell. But you know I wont forget you. I'll write and the letters will be addressed to Danielle, but they'll be for you. We'll get through this. Its just a stupid law."

"What if they find out?" Brad asked, his voice uncertain and he wondered if he really wanted to hear the answer to the question he had left hanging in the air.

"They wont" and Adam's tone was stern as if he would make it his single mission in life.

Truth was, he couldn't guarantee that either. The US army had strict laws against gay officers. If anyone found out that Adam's partner was really Brad, and not Danielle, he would be kicked out of the armed forces and banned from serving again. It was a risk he had to take in order to serve his country, but it was the way it had to be.

Adam knew that in a few hours they would be at the airport. He knew he would have to watch every other soldier kiss their wife goodbye, while he could only shake Brad's hand - a single law standing in the way of a kiss - maybe he could give him a brief hug, but that was it. Nobody could find out they were together. That would jeopardize everything.

So why was he doing it? One person. His Father.

Adam could still remember that day as a kid when his father had hung his medal over Adam's head and told him "We all have a duty, son. Everything comes at a price. We wouldn't have this free country unless we fought for it. You're too young to understand, but one day, you'll get it. You'll fight too."

He also remembered that day that his mother had got the phone call. The way she had run over to the neighbors house and collapsed into the arms of a friend.

Nobody had to tell Adam. He knew that his father wasn't coming home. Shot through the heart and killed on duty.

"He died for this country. He died fighting. He was fighting for your freedom" Adam's mother had told him.

It was that same day that Adam had told his mother that he would fight too. As soon he was old enough he'd go to war and follow in his father's footsteps. Today was that day.

Adam looked at Brad now. He wondered if he was making a mistake. He knew there was a high chance he could meet the same fate as his father. But he also felt he had a duty, both to his father and to himself.

Brad's mouth opened to argue but Adam placed a single finger over his mouth, silencing him.

"I don't need you to tell me that I might be making the biggest mistake of my life. I need you to KNOW that i'm making a mistake, but still be there to pick up the pieces and love me at the end of the day." He smiled as if seeking approval.

"Well cupcake" Brad began, and Adam grinned at the return of his usual quirky confidence, "If I ever regretted the 'mistake'" and he quoted in the air with his fingers on the word, "of loving you…we wouldn't be having this conversation would we?"

Adam nodded. He then slowly let go of Brad's hands and moved back to his suitcase.

As he moved, he saw the smile once again fade from Brad's face. He knew that look. His Mother had given it to him too. It was a face full of many emotions. A slight plea in the eyes hoping that Adam would change his mind, lips pursed in defeat as the realization that nobody could say anything to stop him sunk in. There were worry lines in the cheeks and dark circles under the eyes from many sleepless nights tossing and turning and wondering 'what if' and then there was that stare. That searching look. That love. That stare that provided comfort for Adam and the knowledge that even if they didn't agree with his choice - they would still be here when he returned….if he returned…with open arms.

But Adam knew that Brad wasn't his mother. Brad was his lover. And for him, this war was the beginning of two fights. Survival and the love. They had been together for the last two years. Living together, sharing their life experiences, their goals. They had survived heartache and loss, laughed for hours at nothing at all and had many conversations late into the night about small nothings without a care in the world. Their relationship was love. Had always been love. And as with any relationship, they had had their fair share of ups and downs. But through it all, they still stuck together.

But because of the state of the law, they both knew this could be the last time they were…together.

Once they left this house for the airport, the physical love had to be put aside. They would have to leave each other at the airport as friends - not lovers. Because what they had was considered 'wrong' by the army. Wrong enough to throw Adam out if they ever figured out the truth.

Once they stepped out of the door, they would become silent partners. In love but tight lipped. Hidden from the world. Living as if they didn't rely on the other in the ways that they did. Living as if they were 'normal', As if they were 'straight'. Adam would have to pretend that Danielle was his beloved partner instead of Brad, just so that he could send letters to his lover without any fear of being found out. It was the only way they could keep in touch.

Adam threw a glance Brad's way as his hands folded another shirt.

"Smile" he stated, but it came out as more of a question and laced with a plea.

"I cant" Brad replied, his voice stubborn as he crossed his arms. His voice almost choking. Adam could tell he was holding back the tears - he was trying to be supportive, trying to just be there.

"Smile…coz that's how I want to remember you. Just in case I…." his voice trailed off. They both knew the end of that sentence, but neither wanted to admit it.

"Don't you talk like that!" Brad told him, a sternness in his voice that Adam wasn't sure if he'd ever heard before.

He finally moved away from the doorframe and busied himself in Adam's wardrobe, moving without eye contact, avoiding the statement at hand.

"Brad" Adam said pointedly, stopping what he was doing and looking up at his boyfriend.

Brad detached a jacket from a clothes hanger but paused.

He watched as Adam walked over to him once again and followed his gaze as he bent down in an effort to capture Brad's eyes. "Just smile, okay?".

Brad looked back at him. And through the tears, he smiled.

Just in case…

This was the last time.