because I hated the original so much.

Remake of Malk

By Julian Smith

Kyouya, Tamaki and Hikaru were sitting round a table at the host club; don't ask me why I'm as clueless as you are, and where the heck is Kaoru? I would've guessed that they probably would've killed each other by now or Kyouya would've died of stress. Anyways as the narrator I should probably get on with the story.

"Hey Kyouya is there anything to drink 'round here?" Tamaki asked casually.

"Yeah, in the Host club fridge" Kyouya answered, scribbling furiously into his black book.

"Yo, Tono; get me a glass of Malk would ya'" Hikaru called

"We, don't have any Malk but we do have some milk" Kyouya sneered still scribbling into his book.

"That's what he just said" Tamaki retorted confusedly.

"Yeah!" Hikaru agreed "I just said Malk."

Kyouya snapped his book shut, "NO! You're saying 'Malk' like it's some sort of retarded disease."

"Well, then how do you say it?" Hikaru chuckled.

"The way everyone ought to say it!" Kyouya snapped. "M-I-L-K"

"Right, like 2%" Tamaki jeered.

"Like whole Malk, and Semi skimmed Malk" Hikaru retorted.

"No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no" Kyouya tutted "Say Milkshake"

"Milkshake" Hikaru said with a confused expression on his face.

"Now say Milk" Kyouya said slowly as if he was talking to a small child.

"Malk" Hikaru replied indignantly

"Are you hearing this Tamaki?" Kyouya yelled furiously.

"Yeah, the man wants a glass of Mulk"

"MULK?" Kyouya spat "REALLY?"

"Just give the Mulk Kyouya" Tamaki snapped.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" Haruhi snapped peeking around the door.

"Nothing" they all said innocently.

"Fine." Haruhi sighed then left.

"KYOUYA POUR ME A GLASS OF MALK!" Hikaru yelled.

"Why are you yelling at me?" Kyouya asked innocently "Yelling gets us nowhere."

"JUST GIVE HIM THE FREAKING MULK!" Tamaki snarled, he was waving his hands around for emphasis.

"You guys aren't even saying the same thing" Kyouya complained.

"We're all saying Malk Kyouya." Hikaru protested.

"No you're saying Malk" Kyouya growled pointing at Hikaru "And you're saying –"

"MUUUUUUUULK!" Tamaki screeched thumping his chest

"MAAAALK!" Hikaru screamed, joining in. He clambered upon the table and started screaming again.

"MAAAAALK!"

"MUUUULK!"

The screams echoed round the near empty room, Kyouya put two fingers to his forehead with his book tucked safely under his arm. He then put his hand to his pocket and drew out a gun.

"THE INCREDIBLE MUUUUULK!" Tamaki Screamed before Kyouya pointed the gun at him and then at Hikaru, then back to him.

"SHUT UP!" He commanded "SHUT. UP."

He then proceeded to point the gun at himself. Hikaru and Tamaki froze for a few seconds then proceeded to draw out guns of their own.

"DON'T DO IT KYOUYA!" they both yelped pointing the gun at him.

"You're going to shoot me if I shoot myself?" Kyouya said sounding distressed. Tamaki and Hikaru exchanged a glance and then proceeded to point their guns at themselves.

"PUT THE GUN DOWN KYOUYA!" Hikaru yelled hysterically

"PUT THE GUN DOWN!" Tamaki commanded loudly

"I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" Kyouya cried

Thank you captain obvious.

"YOU'RE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!" Tamaki wept "YOUR AUNT IS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!"

They all then break down and burst into tears, crying hysterically and screaming too.

"And then we pull the trigger" Tamaki said over the phone "All of us"

"We're so not doing that Tamaki" Kyouya replied, picking up his cat and placing it in his oven.

"Why not?" Tamaki complained.

"It seems so dark" Kyouya huffed; he stroked the cat one more time before he closed the uven door and turned the oven on.