Pyrological Assessment

"Now this is unexpected," Remy observed as he entered the Control Room. "Who knew paper could last this long around Pyro without being burned up?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha! This is easy!" Pyro laughed, completely ignoring Remy's comment. He and Piotr were seated around the control board of the main computer while surrounded by multiple sheets of paper. "I can't wait to see how this turns out!"

"Me too," Piotr said making some marks with his pencil. "They should be interesting to see once we are finished."

"What are you hommes up to?" Remy asked while munching on a piece of cinnamon bread he had just picked up from the kitchen. "Are you working on that mutant comic strip of yours again?"

"Shhhhhh!" Pyro shushed noisily and nervously looked around. "Not so loud! Mags might hear you!"

"We are not working on that," Piotr whispered softly. "Magneto forbade us from ever making another comic strip including him again. So we stopped. At least, that is what he thinks."

"Yeah, we're still putting out new stuff," Pyro grinned conspiratorially. "We're just sneakier in our distribution. Mags can search all he wants and still not find 'em."

"Oh boy," Remy gave a low whistle. "If he ever finds out he'll skin you both alive."

"It'd be worth it," Pyro laughed maniacally. "Especially after we finish showing what happens when Mags' character gets on the wrong side of a shelia veterinarian with a pogo stick!"

"Sure it would," Remy wiped away a few stray bread crumbs and casually leaned against the control board. "So what are you hommes working on?"

"We're taking a psychological test," Pyro said proudly.

"You're what?" Remy nearly choked on a bite of bread.

"Yep, this is a complete psychological and personality evaluation," Pyro explained. "You answer a bunch of random questions and it tells you what kind of person you are and your current state of mental health."

"In other words it tells you if you're nuts or not," Remy gasped and coughed several times. "Though in your case I'd say the answer is pretty darn obvious."

"It is not just that," Piotr held up a sheet. "The description says the test will also determine your personality type in order to help you identify and understand your unique strengths and weaknesses."

"Oh come on," Remy scoffed. "These so-called 'tests' are nothing but a bunch of made-up mumbo-jumbo in order to make people spend money and feel good about themselves."

"Really? They look pretty professional," Piotr noted.

"Yeah," Pyro agreed. "And even if the tests are made-up I got 'em for free so we didn't waste a cent!"

"Of course. Let me see one of those things," Remy picked up one of the sheets and glanced at it. "Your boss gives you an order that you know is completely unreasonable and illogical. Do you: (a) Strongly argue against it? (b) Gently suggest an alternative? (c) Follow the faulty order? or (d) Ignore the order completely? Gee, I wonder which one I would choose?"

"Like we would even have a choice," Piotr grunted. "Especially with our boss. I marked (c)."

"Smart man," Remy skimmed over the page. "Here's another one. You are at a store which is offering free samples of cottage cheese and rabbit kidney flavored crackers, limit one per person. No one is watching you. Do you: (a) Take one cracker and move on? (b) Take more than one cracker but pay for them? (c) Take multiple crackers? or (d) Ignore the samples?"

"Well, I would obviously..." Piotr began.

"Select (c)," Remy interjected. "If you can swipe something for free and get away with it, you do it. That's what my grand-mère always taught me."

"What?" Piotr blinked. "But, I did not say..."

"Really? I'd choose (d)," Pyro made a face. "I hate cottage cheese. Yuck!"

"Huh, that explains why Sabes was yelling this morning about his boots being filled with it." Remy flipped the page over. "Your friend is running amok destroying everything in sight. Do you: (a) Try to calm him down and encourage him to talk about his feelings? (b) Restrain him and try to stop the damage? (c) Use the moment as bonding time and join him in the destruction? or (d) Sit back and wait until he tires out?"

"Ooo, ooo! I know the answer to that one!" Pyro chirped excitedly.

"So do I," Piotr groaned. "I have had to do it several times."

"Oh brother," Remy groaned. "Like this is really a good way to determine one's mental health. Do I even dare to ask why you guys are taking a psychological test in the first place?"

"Well, it did seem kind of interesting," Piotr absently toyed with his pencil. "I did not think there would be any harm answering it."

"I'm just doing it for fun," Pyro smiled. "After all, I've been to lots of different psychologists before and I've never even taken one of these."

"What?" Remy blinked. "You mean somebody actually thought you needed to see a psychologist?"

"Oh yeah. When I was little my fascist parents used to take me to see a psychologist all the time," Pyro explained. "It was really fun! They'd leave me in this funny room with lots of stuff to play with and I'd run around laughing while the psychologist talked and asked lots of questions."

"And your parents actually paid the psychologist to do this?" Piotr asked. "We do that for free every time we get together and play a game of pool."

"Hey, psychologists have to pay off their college loans somehow," Remy quipped.

"It was great! But it was also kinda sad because I never met with any of the psychologists more than once," Pyro said.

"Huh? You mean they refused to meet with you again?" Remy asked.

"Nope. None of them ever made it through a whole session. They'd always end up doing something weird like banging their heads against a wall, or talking to a snow globe, or jumping out a ten story window while screaming or something," Pyro shrugged. "Some of them even ended up being taken to the hospital and had to be wrapped up in a body cast. Or a straightjacket. Whatever."

"I see," Piotr blinked.

"Pyro what the heck did you do to them?" Remy gaped.

"Nothing," Pyro replied innocently. "I just played with their stuff while answering a few questions. And determining whether or not they liked fire."

"What? How did you...?" Remy began. "On second thought, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

"No wonder the psychologists needed to be taken to a hospital," Piotr groaned.

"Oh, I wouldn't feel too bad about them," Pyro waved. "I found out later that the only reason my fascist parents took me to the psychologists in the first place was to have them sign off on some kind of form so they could lock me up in an asylum. Me! Their own little, innocent six year old kid shut up in a nuthouse! What kind of evil, heartless monsters would willing do something like that?"

"Uggghhh," Magneto moaned as he passed by the doorway while heavily bruised and beaten. Sabertooth was helping support him. "She saw me. She just had to spot me while I was out on an aspirin run..."

"Easy boss. Let's get you to the infirmary," Sabertooth grunted.

"I must find a way to pacify her. I'm not going out again until I do," Magneto groaned as he stumbled away. "Maybe if I find a way to wipe and alter her memories..."

"It's a mystery to me," Remy rolled his eyes.

"Uh, let us get back to the test now, shall we?" Piotr ventured.

"Good idea," Pyro turned his attention to the papers. "Hey, this question doesn't make any sense. What activity do you prefer to do with your pet? We don't even have a pet!"

"We have Sabes. He's probably close enough," Remy commented.

"Oh, okay," Pyro nodded. "In that case, walking, talking, and feeding are definitely out. I'll just mark down playing."

"Yeah, playing on his last nerves," Remy smirked. "Not to mention toying with his mind. What's left of it anyway."

"Which historical figure do you admire the most?" Piotr read another question. "Hmmm, my choice is not on here."

"Neither are mine," Pyro protested. "This is an outrage! How can Peter Pan and Martha Stewart not be listed on here? Are these people crazy or something?"

"Looks who's talking," Remy groaned. "For the last Pyro, Peter Pan was not a real person and no he was not a mutant! Robin Hood on the other hand..."

"This is disappointing," Piotr sighed. "I do not even recognize most of these names. I will just go with Winston Churchill."

"Not me! I wanna choose Martha Stewart!" Pyro furiously crossed out one of the choices and began to write over it.

"Pyro, you are not supposed to write in your own answers!" Remy shouted.

"Why not? The test asked me a straight question and I'm giving it my honest answer. What's wrong with that?" Pyro asked.

"A lot less than the number of things that are wrong with you," Remy muttered. "At least the test is getting an accurate reading of the taker's mental processes. Piotr what are you doing?"

"I am working on the questions about what words best describe my home and work environments," Piotr said making quick marks with his pencil. "I do not feel any of the answers are sufficient so I am drawing a few pictures instead."

"Oh geeze," Remy moaned. "How can you possibly answer a multiple choice test with pictures?

"Well, Pyro is writing in his own answers," Piotr defended. "And there are some things words simply can not describe that pictures can."

"I don't think the words exist that can adequately be used to describe this," Remy groaned.

"Who needs pictures or words?" Pyro took out his lighter and casually set part of the answer section of his test on fire. "There. That'll show 'em what my favorite element is and who I consider my closest friend to be!"

"Thanks a lot Pyro," Remy scooted away from the control board to avoid being caught by the flames. "I knew these tests would end up being incinerated sooner or later!"

"Watch out!" Piotr yelped as a few more papers threatened to be set alight. He quickly moved them out of the way.

"There, that's better," Pyro grinned admiring his handiwork. His test now had several burned holes in it. "Hey, this question is really dumb. What word best expresses your philosophy during meditation? Happy, excited, calm, or sad? The stupid question doesn't even make sense!"

"It's not the only thing that doesn't make sense around here," Remy quipped.

"Well I know how to fix that." Pyro crossed out and quickly scribbled down a few words. "There. What word best expresses your feelings seeing a giant beached oil tanker burn to the ground? That's much better!"

"Oh great. Now he's starting to rewrite the questions!" Remy threw his hands into the air.

"His question is a better fit," Piotr reluctantly admitted. "Even though the mind who wrote it probably is not."

"Ha, this is easy," Pyro laughed as he continued to write on his paper. "Boy, I seem to have a real knack for this. We should write our own psychological tests!"

"What?" Piotr blinked.

"Oh there's a brilliant idea," Remy drawled sarcastically. "Make the local madness rate skyrocket. People would be given a bunch of tests and then go insane just from taking them!"

"Well, humans would probably fail the test, but mutants certainly wouldn't," Pyro insisted. "Hey, we could use it to determine who is and isn't a mutant. Anyone who passes the test will have the same psychological level as me!"

"Now that is frightening," Piotr gulped.

"Forget it Pyro. You are not going to write your own psychological tests," Remy snapped. "People are messed up enough already."

"But it would include pictures and questions and everything," Pyro whined. "Most of them dealing with the various virtues of fire and..."

"NO!" Remy yelled.

"Aw, nuts," Pyro pouted.

"You certainly are," Remy grumbled.

"Well, at least I finished this test," Pyro held it up. "Now all I gotta do is submit it to the website I printed it from which will analyze it, pass it on to real psychologists and give me a complete psychological evaluation for free."

"Oh boy," Remy whistled. "This I gotta see."

"Here we go," Pyro fed his test into a rapid scanner slot on the control board and eagerly pressed a button. Immediately the large computer screen blipped, whined and began to emit smoke. "Uh oh."

"That can not be good," Piotr gulped as the Acolytes moved away from the rapidly erratic-acting computer.

BOOM!

"So much for reading Pyro's psychological evaluation," Remy quipped as the overloaded computer gave off a few more sparks. "Though I think I have a pretty good idea of what it would say."

"Wow, the website couldn't handle one psych session with me either," Pyro noted. "Well, at least my record is still intact."

"More like surpassed if your test was passed on to multiple psychologists out there," Remy said. "We'll know for sure if the mental breakdown rate among them quadruples within the next few days."

"WHAT WAS THAT LOUD BOOMING NOISE?" Magneto was heard shouting in the distance. "GAMBIT! PYRO! WHAT HAVE YOU LUNATICS DONE TO MY BASE NOW?"

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed. "Sounds like Magneto is about to overdo it on the migraine medication again."

"You'd think he would know better after the loopy way it make him act last time," Remy smirked. "Maybe we should convince Mags and Sabertooth to take a psychological test?"

"Na, we already know they're both nuts," Pyro declared. "After all, not everyone can be as sound and psychologically fit as we are!"

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.