Guide

When I went to Tsunade-sensei wondering about what my being a guide entitles, she brushed me off, saying," Oh, you, know, the usual."

"I don't know the usual."

"Usual meaning you walk her to school, show her around, make sure she knows where everything is and who everyone is—"

"Half the time I don't even know who the hell is who!"

". . . And then make sure she gets home safely, ensure that she participates in her club activities—"

"Basically I'm some bodyguard slash stalker. Why didn't you just make it simpler and say that?"

"Because, saying 'guide' has a better ring to it then bodyguard slash stalker. Okay, shoo shoo before I smash the door down. You're taking up my breathing space."

I knew she wasn't joking. Tsunade-sensei was known for her extreme violence and horrible luck at lotteries. Troublesome Tsunade-sensei.

So the next morning I stood outside the Sabaku sibling's house, leaning against a tree, bored out of my mind as I glared at a sycamore with superfluous loathing. The tree didn't do anything to me. But it was there, and I could make use of its inability to cuss back.

"Damn that irritating Tsunade-sen—"

The sound of the door being thrown open jerked my attention back to the front door. Temari stepped out over the threshold, dressed in Konoha High's female uniform, a white-button up shirt with a plaited green skirt, her fishnets prominent on her fairly long legs. She caught sight of me, her eyebrows first rising in confusion before twisting into a cross grimace.

"I see you," she said, eyes narrowed as she glowered at me. I sighed, shrugging slightly as I pushed myself off my comfortable spot against the tree's back, kicking the dirt as I made my way towards her.

"Well, there are an awful lot of excellent hiding places in the middle of your lawn, aren't there?" I drawled sardonically in reply as I smirked at her, amused by her aggravated expression

"Shut the hell up and get the hell out of here."

"Nice greeting. You're friendlier than normal, Sabaku-san."

". . . Jerk."

"Aw, that's sweet."

"Granted, it probably is the closest thing to a compliment that you'll ever get, Nara."

"Probably." I didn't deny that, raising my shoulders up and down. "Now, are you done insulting me, Sabaku-san?"

"I'd never run out insults for you."

I could positively hear the smirk in her voice.

"I could say the same about you. Now, can we go to school now?" I gestured towards the direction of Konoha High, watching as her eyes trailed after the movement. She frowned slightly.

"I don't see why you have to be here, though," she said, her eyes regarding me curiously. I groaned, massaging my head.

"Troublesome woman. I'm your guide, as the High and Mighty Tsunade-sensei proclaimed." I glared at her. "Which means I have to babysit you, as much as I'd rather be doing something else."

Her eyes flickered darkly as she gritted her teeth. "Don't treat me as something inferior, you little crybaby. I'll kick your ass any day."

"Don't act so overbearing. Most girls don't have superiority complexes like you do."

"Do I look like most girls to you?" she demanded harshly, her eyebrows set in an angry line as she drew herself to her full height, which was surprisingly only up to my eyebrows.

"No," I admitted. "You sure you're even human?"

She looked ready to kill me, her fists clenching and unclenching as she eyed me with wicked intent in her eyes. I don't deny that I was frightened; Have a girl like Temari try to kill you and you'd know what I mean.

I stared back at her unwaveringly. After all, I was a man, and a man shouldn't cower before a woman, no matter how freaky she was or how violent. 'Course, that was suicidal, but hey, a man couldn't hit a woman, right?

I'm a chauvinistic pig, I know. No need to rub it in.

Our very interesting staring—in her case, glaring—contest continued, her intention seeming to be burning a hole through my shirt, while my intention happened to be staying alive. Her turquoise eyes were blazing, light blue and green fire. How someone with eyes the color of calm water could look so chaotic, I don't know. Her fingers were still twitching as she glowered at me, thin eyebrows furrowed into a frown.

Suddenly she burst out laughing, her slender shoulders shaking in a fit of giggles.

I was confused.

"What?" I asked self-consciously. She grinned at me, her teal eyes bright with humor.

"You've got courage, kid." She seemed satisfied, a smug expression on her face. "I didn't expect much from you, but I guess I was wrong."

I was miffed. "You had expectations for me?"

She shrugged delicately as we began walking, side by side, down the street. "Well, from first glance, I thought you were an irritating little jerk. The second time, I got that you were a slacker. Third, you were a crybaby."

I was a little put-out now. Crybaby? Seriously? But she was spot on with the whole 'slacker' and 'irritating little jerk' part. Did she really get that much out of just a few glimpses? And there was how she knew my name.

Creepy, infuriating, keen, brazen, problematic, overbearing, straightforward, aggravating, troublesome little harpy.

"So," I said, still aggravated. "Are we going?"

Temari was still grinning in a way that told me she was absurdly pleased with the way she had me all riled up. "Alright, Crybaby."

"Troublesome," I grumbled. "Which reminds me, I have a name, you know."

"I know."

"That's exactly what I was wondering about." I was frowning at her now, observing her with apprehensive eyes. She shrugged casually, completely unbothered by the sheer distrust I gave her.

"Your friend with the potato chips," she told me, turning her head towards me. "He apologized for your departure. Then I asked what your name was, and he told me."

"I see," I grunted. "I'll give Chouji hell for it later."

"Be nice to that guy," Temari scolded as she punched me –hardly lightly—on the arm. "He's a lovable guy. Makes me wonder how a lazyass like you became his best friend."

"It's a long story," I said, not in the mood to elaborate. "One that I am not going to expound to you."

She faked a heartbroken expression. "Oh, my, how thou rejects me!" Her tone switched immediately to a sarcastic, cutting tone. "My heart bleeds."

"It will be soon," I offered.

"Oh, how so?"

"I'm fairly sure a weapon through one's heart is an effective way to cause a heart to bleed, in case you didn't know, Sabaku-san."

"Hah. I know more about weapons and taijutsu than Mega-brows sensei. Like you'll ever manage that around me, Nara."

"Do you want me to try it on you?"

"Do you want me to let you try?"

We were too busy bickering to notice that we were right outside the gates of school. Well, said gate made its appearance quite well when my arm smashed against it, no doubt leaving a bruise that wasn't entirely acceptable for decoration. I glared at it as Temari and I strode past it, Temari now threatening me with death by mega-fan as she ranted on and on about chauvinistic pigs and whatnot .

Why the hell isn't she in a mental institution?

No, scratch that. Why does she exist? She's got to be the most hellish, screwed-up, problematic thing to ever terrorize the kami-forsaken planet. No, she's the very personification of trouble. Trouble mixed with violence and pride and sarcasm and antagonism and basically any goddamn troublesome thing on the planet. I never thought that anyone could be worse than Ino, that fashion-obsessed freak. It had to be against the laws of the universe. There was a limit on how troublesome things could get, right?

And this thing comes prancing along into my life, basically holding a huge, lighted billboard screaming My very existence is meant to torture your insignificant little lives! Fear me, fools!

Seeing her rather dangerous mindset, I wondered what her brothers are like. They couldn't be any worse, or the planet would implode from sheer fear of hosting such abominations of nature. 'Course, if earth somehow spawned Temari and Ino, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised if something worse came skipping along.

Suddenly tight arms wrapped around my neck, constricting my windpipe as I choked, nearly crashing into some poor sap who just happened to be nearby.

"Dammit, Ino, get the hell off!"

Temari took one look at Ino, grinned, and loped off, sporting one heck of a smug expression on her face. "Sorry to bother you, Nara-san. I see you're busy."

I swear I could hear her cackling as she darted away.

Ino was, if possible, sporting a grin even wider than the one Temari had on her face. Her blonde hair was swinging softly in her high ponytail, sky blue eyes bright. I gasped for air as I rubbed my throat, glaring daggers at that annoying Barbie doll hell-bent on turning my life into some sappy romance novel.

"Why do I bother hanging around you, Ino?" I griped, irritated, as I struggled to get the imprint of her tight arms off my neck.

"'Cause you looooooooove me, I'm your beeeeeest friend, and because you and Chouji would be compleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetely lost without me," Ino cooed in her most simpering tone, still smiling widely.

"That was a rhetorical question," I informed her as Chouji came upon us. "Yo, Chouji."

"'Sup," he said, sticking his hand back into another jumbo bag of potato chips that he had clutched to his chest. I pointed at Ino.

"Someone call the police."

"You got the cell phone ready?"

"Shut it, guys," Ino cut in, pointing at me accusingly. "Shikamaru, say one word and I'll be dragging you off for shopping. Got that?"

I nodded mutely. There's only so much craziness that one can take, and I was way past my limit. Yet school had barely started, too.

"Now, Shikamaru. . ." Ino had that 'I've got a crazy plan to get Shikamaru stuck with some other blushing stalker-ish girlfriend just to turn my life into a idiotic romance sitcom' look on her face as she surveyed me smugly. "So. . . why were you picking her up for school?"

"I'm her so-called guide."

"What did you discuss on the way here?" Ino looked desperate for juicy gossip. Like I was going to give her any.

"Death by mega-fan and several different ways to go through biological function termination," I told her truthfully. Ino frowned.

"What?"

"Basically, she tried to—"

"Basically she tried to kill you," Ino finished knowingly, tapping her chin. "I get it."

"What?"

"Oh, Shikamaru, you move too fast!" Ino squealed, clapping her hands together, practically dancing as several disturbed bystanders shot us frightened looks.

"I didn't move at all! What're you talking about, woman?"

"She's perfect for him, Chouji, I swear!" Ino was prattling on to Chouji, wringing my best friend by the neck just as mercilessly as she did to me before.

Chouji was turning blue. "I-Ino. . . "

"Oops, sorry," Ino said quickly as she let go. "But Shikamaru, we've finally got the perfect girl for you! She can kick your ass, boss you around, make your life hell, everything you need in a soul mate! It's perfect! I know we've got the right one now!"

"No, you haven't," I told her quickly, backing away in fear of my sanity. "Your whole plan is malfunctioning. It's already falling apart."

"Nope, it isn't!" Ino giggled happily. "That's it Shikamaru! Go run off to your Temari now!"

I walked away quickly, contemplating the pros of bungee jumping without a bungee cord. So far, the idea seemed rather nice.

A:N: The title:

1) Shikamaru's Temari's guide.

2) Ino. Yep, Ino. In romance, Ino is Shikamaru's 'guide'-or crazy torturer- and so, the title is in reference to both the lazyass and fashion slave. Oh, and Chouji can be the cheerleader.:D