When you drink…you have strange ideas and this is one of them. This is nothing but pure Smut and Crack and I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone who is not as ignorant as me. But for those who ARE *wink* please enjoy.

Rated M for the three L's, Language, Lemons, and Lasagna…ok just Language and Lemons but you have been warned.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. All characters belong to Tite Kubo. I'm just making them do naughty things. HA

-o0o-

Chapter 1: Boredom

Top Secret

You have been chosen to be a member of the Shinigami Women's Secret Society (SWSS). Not to be confused with the Shinigami Women's Association.

This invitation is for your eyes only and I must implore you to keep it a secret. The details of this Society will be disclosed at the first meeting which will be held one week from today at 10:00pm. If you accept this invitation (and you better) please come by Matsumoto Rangiku's room where you will be told where to report.

Matsumoto Rangiku, President

Shihoin Yoruichi, Vice President

-o0o-

Rangiku was so excited for tonight's meeting. She couldn't believe that everyone that had been invited had accepted. Well actually she could believe it because Yoruichi had threatened to kill whoever didn't. Of course she was joking, but better safe than sorry. Everything was all set. Kukaku and Yoruichi confirmed that the room underneath of the Shihoin compound was ready for their first meeting. Seeing everyone's faces after they found out what this 'Secret Society' was all about would be priceless.

The idea had actually come from Yoruichi. Well she didn't actually have the idea. It was something she'd said while she was out drinking one night with Rangiku. Things had gotten horribly dull since the end of the war. Besides the occasional low level hollow there was absolutely nothing to do but paperwork, much to Rangiku's dismay. Things had the potential to get very interesting with the Visored and the four Espada that had betrayed Aizen now being a part of the Gotei 13. Although they had proven themselves to be relatively trustworthy, Head Captain Yamamoto didn't trust them enough to make any of them captains. Grimmjow had been placed in the most obvious place which was squad eleven. Between him and Ikkaku, Kenpachi got to fight as much as he wanted. Ulquiorra was made Captain Kuchiki's lieutenant after Renji was promoted to captain of Squad three…as if squad six wasn't already yummy enough. Urahara Kisuke was made captain of squad 5 with Ichigo as his lieutenant. Momo had been moved to Squad four. Yoruichi was made captain of squad seven and Neliel her lieutenant since both captain Komamura and his lieutenant were killed in battle. The former Primera Espada, Coyote Starrk, was made the lieutenant of squad nine and Shuhei was promoted to Captain since he'd basically been running the division since Captain Tosen left anyway. Shuhei was still basically on his own since Starrk spent most of his time slacking off with Captain Kyoraku. It was scary how alike those two are even down to being devilishly good looking.

Three weeks ago…

Rangiku and Yoruichi were sitting in one of their favorite bars enjoying some raspberry sake while waiting for Kukaku and Nel to arrive. The four women had become extremely close in the last couple of months and it had become a weekly tradition for the beauties to meet up to drink away their frustrations and just enjoy each other's company.

"You know," slurred Rangiku, throwing an arm around Yoruichi's shoulders. "This really sucks. I can't remember the last time I had sex. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't so many good

looking men walking around…and they're so stingy. It's just not fair."

Yoruichi giggled at her friend's slurred speech. "You don't need them…you've got me," she said hitting her chest a little harder than she meant to.

"Oh, you'll always be my favorite kitty," Rangiku replied with a wink. They both burst out laughing and fell all over each other.

"So you bitches started the party without us huh?" The inebriated pair turned to see Kukaku and Nel walking towards them.

"Of course not. We were just waiting for you two," Rangiku said jumping up to hug Nel. She knew better than to try hugging Kukaku. The head of the Shiba clan plopped down very ungracefully and began to drink straight from the bottle. The other three exchanged amused glances before Yoruichi said what they were all thinking.

"Rough day?"

Kukaku glared at her while finishing off the last drop then slammed the bottle down on the table. "Go to hell."

"I'm gonna have to say no to that request," she said smirking before ordering them another three bottles of sake.

Two hours seemed to whiz by in a matter of minutes. The four of them were quite drunk when Captain Kyoraku walked in, followed by Captain Ukitake, Captain Hisagi, Captain Urahara, Captain Abarai, Lieutenant Starrk, Lieutenant Kurosaki and Shinji. They were led to the largest booth, which was in the back corner of the bar, diagonally from where the party of busty beauties were currently trying to keep from drooling.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love tattoos?" Nel slurred dreamily.

"Oh, did you know Shinji has a tongue ring?" said Rangiku almost giddy. The other three groaned in sexual agony.

"I've had enough of this shit," Yoruichi said slamming her cup down on the table. "There are eight totally fuckable men over there and just what do you think they're doing?" She stood up and somehow managed to keep from toppling over onto Kukaku since her balance was total shit at this point. Her speech was terribly slurred, but of course her friends understood her perfectly because let's face it, drunks understand each other.

"Not us." Kukaku complained.

"That's right!" Yoruichi took another sip of her sake before continuing her 'motivational speech'. "They're…th…they're just…just sitting over there being all sexy and…and totally ignoring the needs of others. Everyone likes cats and…and boobs and fireworks and…and…and bone hats," she said flinging her hand at each of her counterparts as she named their uh…better qualities.

"Yeah," Rangiku yelled throwing her fist in the air.

"Shhhh," said Nel spitting all over the others. "Do you want everyone to hear?"

"I don't care. Fuck everybody in here with ears," Kukaku yelled at the top of her lungs. The bar fell silent and all eyes were on the table of lovely, albeit drunk, Shinigami.

"Has anyone ever noticed that Rukia's hair looks like a squid?" whispered Nel to the group, trying not to interrupt the sudden silence.

Rangiku reached up, grabbed Yoruichi's wrist, and yanked her down, which wasn't too difficult since she was just barely able to stand anyway. She fell face first into Rangiku's bountiful bosom almost smothering herself to death, causing an eruption of laughter from Kukaku. Once she escaped the killer boobs and caught her breath, her face became very grave causing her friends to get serious as well…or as serious as they could manage under the circumstances. They were all on the edge of their seats waiting for her to say something. The corners of her mouth started to curl up in a way that the other three knew meant she was definitely up to something, but before any of them could open their mouths Yoruichi said, "Be right back," then disappeared.

All of a sudden there was a loud commotion across the bar. Before the ladies could turn to see what all the noise was about Yoruichi returned with a shit eating grin on her face.

"If we want something…we should take it," she said with a shrug of her shoulders. The four women turned their attention to the large table of men in the corner of the bar with all the tops ripped from their bodies. They blocked out the yelling and cursing of Renji and Ichigo and just enjoyed the view.

"Good thing they weren't in uniform. I wouldn't have wanted their Captains haori to have been destroyed," said Rangiku. They all looked at her in disgust. What a horrible time to think logically. "I would have hated for the Head Captain to burn their gorgeous bodies to ash. He's so fussy about those kinds of things," she finished.

They nodded in agreement and returned their attention to the table of confused men.

"Flash Goddess indeed," said Kukaku as she waved the waiter over to order another round.

The next couple of days all Rangiku could think about was what Yoruichi said that night, which she was surprised she remembered any of. 'If we want something we should take it.' She was right. They had spent too much time moping around feeling sorry for themselves. They deserved to have a little fun and thus the Shinigami Women's Secret Society was born.

Present day…

About an hour before the meeting was scheduled to start, Rangiku met Yoruichi at the Shihoin compound to prepare for everyone's arrival. Tonight would just be an orientation of sorts, so everyone would know what they were getting themselves into. Yoruichi had gotten gifts for all the ladies that would be presented to them after they took their oath. They also had a nice layout of refreshments and sake, which both ladies had already begun to partake of. Right as Rangiku was setting up the last chair there was a knock at the door. She squealed with excitement and yelled, "What's the password?"

"I refuse to say that word Rangiku, now let me in." It was Nanao. Punctual as always.

Rangiku slid open the small window on the door exposing only her eyes. "If you don't want Yoruichi after you I suggest you give me the password."

Nanao glared at the grinning blonde. "I won't do it."

"You won't do what?" came a voice from behind the bespectacled lieutenant. The raven-haired woman turned to see Kukaku walking up behind her with Nel in tow.

"Password," Rangiku asked again.

"Penis," Kukaku said in her loud voice as if it were the most normal thing in the world to say.

"Penis," repeated Nel happily.

Nanao gave the head of the Shiba clan a look of utter horror. "Oh don't be such a prude just say it so we can get this party started," she said with a mischievous smirk.

Rangiku opened the door to let the ladies in but quickly blocked the door with her body when Nanao tried to follow after Nel. She huffed and folded her arms over her chest as the busty woman cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Penis," she said under her breath.

"See, now was that so hard," asked Rangiku back to her jovial mood as she yanked the smaller woman inside.

As they made themselves comfortable Yoruichi let herself in through the trap door on the floor of her bedroom in the main house. There were two entrances to their secret meeting spot. The first was the door Yoruichi had just used and the second was the main entrance, which was only accessible by going through the sewer system.

It wasn't long before everyone arrived and had taken a seat. Yoruichi and Rangiku were standing in the front corner of the room laughing at the look on Nanao's face as she eyed the cup that she had been given with a pink penis shaped straw sticking out of it. They decided it was time to get started so Yoruichi stood in front of the group and called the meeting to order.

"Welcome to the first meeting of the Shinigami Women's Secret Society. I'm glad you all could join us." Before she could continue she noticed a raised in hand in the group. "Yes Orihime."

"Um, I'm sorry for interrupting but, how can I be in your society if I'm not a shinigami?" she asked sweetly.

Everyone looked to Yoruichi and waited for the answer.

"Because I said so," she answered calmly. "Anything else before we get started?" she asked looking around the room.

"How is this different from the Shinigami Women's Association?" Isane asked politely.

"I'm sure everyone is wondering that same thing so let's get started shall we."

Yoruichi moved off to the side to take her seat while Rangiku stepped in front of the group of terribly confused women.

"Hi everyone," she said obviously excited. I'm glad everyone could come. I'm going to pass this paper around and I need everyone to sign in," she said waving a piece of paper in the air before handing it to Yoruichi. "Ok now, the Shinigami Women's Secret Society will be devoted to getting every single one of you getting laid."

"What!" Rukia screeched. There was a collective gasp from around the room. Every mouth was hanging open, except for Kukaku's, who just shrugged her shoulders as she wrapped her lips around her penis straw. Nel slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing her ass off. While that hadn't been what she was expecting Rangiku to say, she couldn't really say that she was surprised. Yoruichi could see that Nanao, Sui Feng and Rukia were on the verge of bolting out and tried to keep her smirk hidden. Could they be any more up tight?

"Is this a joke," asked Isane, praying that it was.

"Oh I assure you, I'm very serious. I'm sure we can all agree that there are some very handsome men in the Seireitei. I'm sure we can also agree that there has been a serious lack of excitement around here lately. We need an outlet, and this is perfect. We can have some fun and get rid of some of our…uhh…frustration."

Nanao stood up abruptly, obviously unable to listen to anymore of Rangiku's nonsense, but before she could say anything Yoruichi was on her feet as well.

"Going somewhere?" Yoruichi asked her calmly. Nanao swallowed hard and pushed her glasses further up on the bridge on her nose.

"You can't really expect us to participate in your sick little society," she said looking around at the group for support.

The only person in the room who would or could stand up to Captain Shihoin, the Goddess of Flash, was Captain Unohana. All eyes looked to her as if the fate of the Soul Society rested on her shoulders. She looked around the room with the same gentle smile she always had plastered on her face. She stood up slowly and looked Yoruichi directly in the eyes.

"We are all adults here," she started. "It has been proven that sex is not only enjoyable, but it relieves stress and can help boost immunity to disease. In my opinion this could be a good opportunity to emotionally rebuild. We've all had a trying last couple of years and it definitely couldn't hurt to build some trust with all the new additions to our numbers. It might even help with your dreams," she said turning to face her lieutenant causing the amazon to turn a bright red.

Yoruichi stood there with a satisfied smirk on her face as Captain Unohana shot her a quick wink. She knew they would have problems with acceptance from some of the ladies so she approached the Captain earlier in the week with a proposition. She assured her that she could pick whoever she wanted when it was her turn, in exchange for her approval of the group. No one in their right mind would question anything she said.

"Ok, well I guess that's that," said Rangiku as everyone settled back in their seats. "Now let me explain how this is gonna work. We will meet once a week and each week we'll have a different theme and Captain Yoruichi or I will teach a sort of lesson based on that theme. At the conclusion of the lesson one of you will be chosen to carry out a task pertaining to the lesson that was taught. We will go in order of the sign-in sheet that was passed around so it will not be at random. However, the names of the men will be chosen at random."

"What men?" blurted Sui Feng interrupting Rangiku.

"We have chosen various men throughout the Seireitei to be involved in our little escapades. Of course they don't know they've been chosen so as I said before it is imperative you keep everything we do a secret. Ok, now on to the fun part."

"What…A huge orgy?" Sui Feng said under her breath.

"No. That won't be until much later," Rangiku said sarcastically knowing Sui Feng would take her absolutely serious.

"It's time for everyone to take their oath. There's no turning back after this." As if they had a choice anyway. "When I call your name please come and stand before me," Rangiku said using her very rarely heard 'all business' voice.

Rangiku looked to Yoruichi who stood beside her and passed her small jewelry box. Rangiku read the name on the box. "Captain Unohana." The Captain rose gracefully from her seat and stood in front of the President and Vice President of their Secret Society.

"Please raise your pinkies." said Rangiku.

Captain Unohana found this to be odd, but with these two she should not have been surprised. She balled her hands into fists and stuck her pinkies out. They were immediately locked with Yoruichi and Rangiku's. She really thought a simple raise of the right hand would have sufficed, but this was not her group, it was theirs.

"Now repeat after me." Unohana nodded.

"I (name) do solemnly swear to keep all intimate details of this group confidential. I am not a prude and I swear to throw all closed mindedness by the wayside. I will try, to the best of my ability, to complete every task that I am given without question. I also swear to take part in the drunken debauchery that is bound to occur at least once every week. I will treat every member of this group with respect and will regard them as sisters. I promise to allow myself to be made over without a fight if the group deems it necessary, and if at anytime I break these promises may I die a slow and painful death by the hands of Captain Yourichi, or be tortured until I scream bloody murder."

Captain Unohana fought the urge to laugh after repeating the absolutely ridiculous pledge, but was somehow able to hold it together. Yoruichi and Rangiku leaned forward and graced Captain Unohona's cheeks with a kiss. Yoruichi took the left side and Rangiku the right. They released her hands so Rangiku could present her with whatever was inside of the box. She opened the box and pulled out a white gold necklace that said 'Serene'. Captain Unohana turned facing the others so the necklace could be put on her. She turned back to the two women placing her hand over the necklace and gave a small bow before heading back to her seat. The ceremony was certainly unique, but she thought it was sweet how much effort they had obviously put into all of it, even going as far as getting them all gifts.

They repeated this for each of the women present before facing each other and reciting the oath together, with pinkies locked. After reciting the oath they leaned forward placing a lingering kiss on each other's lips. When they broke the kiss they grinned at each other and turned to face the astonished faces of almost everyone else in the room.

"We're all sisters now," Rangiku yelled with her hands in the air. "Now let's break for a couple minutes before getting down to the nitty gritty. Drink up everyone!"

-o0o-

Here is a list of the members of the SWSS and the gifts they received:

Matsumoto Rangiku – White gold two finger ring that says 'Sexy'
Shihoin Yoruichi – Gold two finger ring that says 'Tease'
Shiba Kukaku – White gold bracelet that says 'Bitch'
Ise Nanao – Gold necklace that says 'Fearless'
Kurotsuchi Nemu – Black choker with a white gold charm that says 'Rebel'
Kuchiki Rukia – Gold bracelet that says 'Bossy'
Hinamori Momo – White gold necklace that says 'Passion'
Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck – White gold necklace that says 'Bubbles'
Unohana Retsu – White gold necklace that says 'Serene'
Kotetsu Isane – Gold ring that says 'Legs'
Inoue Orihime – Gold necklace that says 'Sweetheart'
Yadomaru Lisa – White gold bracelet that says 'Curious'
Sui-Feng – White gold necklace that says 'Lethal'