Five Magical Love Stories

Part 1: Love in the Magical Kingdom of Camelot

The trouble with Merlin is not that he is utterly useless as a servant, being suicidally feckless with regards to propriety in any form and selectively competent, mostly when unobserved, in which case he becomes improbably - one might say even say magically - capable. This is a minor, easily overlooked failing. Comparatively speaking. The real trouble is how, if there is a dangerous magical creature within seven leagues, if Merlin doesn't run into them, they come to him.

The unicorn is probably the most egregious and frankly stupid example. Most people go happily for their whole lives, and entire villages pass generations, without ever seeing one. Merlin runs into one. Which Arthur kills, naturally. Dangerous magical creature, after all. What did you expect from the son of Uther Pendragon?

Fortunately, it got better. The unicorn, that is, not Merlin's ridiculous thing with dangerous magical creatures.

Unfortunately, the stupid beast comes back. Arthur has learnt better than to shoot it full of crossbow bolts on sight, though it is wrong and unnatural and against all his instincts to allow it to prance freely about his forests as though Camelot were a magical kingdom of, oh, this is ridiculous, is that a rainbow shining overhead in the bright blue sky? Wait, two rainbows?

So apparently Camelot is a stupid magical kingdom of double rainbows and prancing unicorns, in blatant spite of his father's quest to rid the land of magic.

To return to the point, the stupid unicorn, which has, unlike Arthur, not learnt better, is tenderly whuffling into Merlin's stupid hair and ears, making him titter stupidly as he strokes its neck. And then, because he is standing next to Merlin, it decides to turn around and sniff at him too, while his knights, much wiser than him, goggle at them from a safe distance. He is starting to wonder what he will do if the stupid unicorn decides to nibble on his hair like that stupid pony he had when he was seven when, at the first whiff, the unicorn adds insult to injury by rearing its head back and dancing sideways from him, eyes rolling wildly like a horse that has scented a raging forest fire.

Which in unicorn terms probably means Arthur is vile and disgusting beyond description and not worthy of existing in a world in which unicorns and Merlins gambol innocently beneath double rainbows. It stamps on his foot, whinnying, and gallops away. Merlin is staring at him in silent disbelief while his knights murmur inaudibly among themselves. He is fairly sure he won't be cursed if he shoots any idiot who dares say a word to him. Except maybe Merlin. Fortunately, they do not have to test out his theory.

Just because he refuses to let the stupid magical beast ruin his day, he continues the interrupted hunt until everyone has shot at least one cute, fluffy rabbit. He gets two, and tells Merlin to give them to Gaius. Not because Merlin likes rabbit stew.

End Part 1