Dragons & Drow (Reprise)
To the Tune of the Reprise of "Buttons and Bows" from Son of Paleface
Hank:
A magic Realm will overwhelm
A normal guy with ennui.
Gimme Passaic, where all's prosaic,
And there ain't no fantasy.
Hank and Diana:
Earth is Earth; the Realm's the Realm,
And the wrong one I'm in now.
Hank:
Let's go where you won't meet werebears or
Gnolls…
Diana: [To Eric] …And Trolls,
Slime beast, or stench cow…
Hank and Diana:
Flind, or flumphs, or dragons and drow!
Eric [spoken]:
Magic shield, encumbrance free —
Armor class of minus three!
Hank and Diana:
A boy/girl gets bored/gored with spear and sword —
Beat your blade into a plough!
Eric:
Peace to me can't be like chivalry;
I'm the knight who's diggin' up stones,
Chewin' up ghouls, and spittin' out bones!
[spoken]:
I was naughty, I was nice —
I defeated Venger twice!
Diana:
Oh, give me a Ranger, with arrows sharp as glass!
Eric:
I'm sure my scores are high enough — I could always multi-class!
[spoken]:
Slice 'em, dice 'em, make 'em dance —
Lance 'em where they'll feel your lance!
Hank and Diana:
In days of yore, they sighed full sore
For a modern life — and how!
Eric:
Now I wear pants made of jackalwere.
I use dragons to drive me home now,
And play with toys hand-fashioned by Drow!
The Others [spoken]:
Dragons for drivers, and toys from Drow?
Eric [spoken]:
I use so much magic, I can spell my own name!
Hank:
Gimme me Earthly places,
Where caverns aren't faces,
With golem guards
And magical wards,
And green-faced swine
That make you mine!
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and dr—
Eric [spoken]:
I love mead, and I love ale,
I love wearing scale mail!
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and dr—
Eric [spoken]:
Give me all you've got to give —
I just rolled initiative!
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and dr—
Eric [spoken]:
With my kiss none can compare —
"Frequency" is "very rare!"
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and dr—
Eric [spoken]:
When I was brought here, oh, what glee,
DM made a knight of me!
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and dr—
Eric [spoken]:
Used to date an Irish banshee —
Girl can't wail while kissing, can she?
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and dr—
Eric [spoken]:
Vorpal sword for the attack —
Hear my weapon snicker-snack!
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and dr—
Eric [spoken]:
Acrobatics leave me humble —
Care to teach me how to tumble?
Hank and Diana:
No-one's heard of dragons and drow!
Eric:…drooooooooooooooow!