Song: .38 Special by 100 Monkeys

Pairing: Jasper/Edward

Rating: M – for adult themes

Word Count: 3544

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns everything Twilight… 100 Monkeys owns this song…. Me? I own nothing :(

Leaving the store I walk down the street slowly towards my office, a six pack in my left hand and a bag of office supplies in my right. My mood is exceptionally bitter having spoken with Edward on the phone, again, before entering the store. I know he means well but I just want to be left alone to wallow in my own pity tonight.

I take the path through the park, hoping it will be longer. There are people out tonight… a group forming around one of the locals that frequents the park. He sits there with his guitar, plucking out a smooth rhythm and singing, his voice deep and controlled… the kind of talent I used to look for. A few people are having more than a good time, even drinking from bottles covered with brown paper bags. I shake my head and trudge forward… wishing I still lived in those days.

It's my 30th birthday and instead of being a day of celebration with family and friends I don't have, it has only served as a reflection of the poor choices I have made in my life. The last thing I want to do is hang out with the only person who still puts up with me, and who I happen to have been in love with for years.

The walk doesn't take long enough and I am standing in front of my office building waiting for the guard to open the door. He doesn't look surprised to see me here this late… I rarely leave to begin with. He welcomes me with his usual greeting, "Evenin' Mr. Whitlock," and I nod my head in acknowledgement.

I look at the building surrounding me and feel sick to my stomach. I take off running towards the elevator to be rid of the sight. This was once a place I was proud of… a respectable recording label that I worked hard for. Now I have turned it into a sell-out, taking any and every artist that sounds like whoever is at the top of the Billboard charts. The musical integrity is gone and greediness has taken over… whatever it takes to make the most money.

Edward used to tell me that I was going to reform the music industry, bring music back to its roots with real artists and real singers… real talent. It was my dream. I was so tired of hearing voices altered and transformed, and music being created with a computer instead of instruments. You lose the soul that comes through when someone sits behind a guitar and just sings.

I started this place right after college graduation with money my parents left me when they died the year before. With a degree in music production, some lucky connections, and an artist sure to be a hit, I felt unstoppable. Of course, then I had Edward… my right hand man… my best friend and unrequited love supporting me. I guess in some ways I still do… even after everything he hasn't deserted me. God knows I deserve it.

I fumble my way down a hall and into my office, throwing all but one of the beers into the mini fridge and slumping into the chair behind my desk.

Around the same time I started my business, he came out to me. I'd known since I was a teenager that I preferred boys, but never knew Edward had been hiding this from me. He claimed that it was only recently that he figured it out, but could tell he had always been. I was shocked beyond belief, even a bit hopeful that maybe I could have my best friend after all. I stopped going to the clubs to pick up guys after that, hoping my lack of a companion would result in something… anything.

But he never showed an interest in me. I tried to be there for him as much as possible, but it hurt knowing after all that time, wishing he was gay, that he still didn't want me. About a year later he found a guy, Jake. They moved in together and my heart broke… I would never have him. So I started picking up guys again.

Then I threw my whole self into my business, working my ass off to keep it running and having new talent on a regular basis. As a result, I blew off Edward… a lot. He understood at first, but then I started to see the hurt in his eyes. That only pushed me to work more. At some point, I don't know when, the money started to get to me. With all the work I put in, the place was flourishing.

Material things started to matter to me and I got greedy. Soon I didn't think we were pulling in enough money so I expanded what we looked for in artists. My standards fell and the integrity was lost. Now we just search for the next teen idol.

My office is lavish with expensive art on the wall, a black leather couch to lounge on, and all the most modern furniture. I hate looking at it now. It mocks the person I used to be, the person I wish I still was. I get up and turn the light off… hoping the darkness will conceal my shame. Instead the moon shines through the wall made entirely of windows.

I catch a gleam out of the corner of my eye and turn to see the moon reflecting off of my old acoustic guitar that sits in the corner of the room. I stare at it longingly as I pop open the top and drink down half my beer. It has been so long since I've played… would I even remember how?

I down the rest of my beer and get a second out of the fridge, grabbing my guitar on the way back to my seat. Holding it brings back a rush of memories… ones full of hope and love. Days spent in the campus courtyard with Edward, playing and singing together. Nights up on a roof, sounds coming only from our fingertips; hours and hours of plucking out talent in the studio.

I down my second beer and smack it back on my desk. My fingers slide up and down the neck of the guitar, caressing the strings and finding a familiar position. My eyes close and my other hand smooths over the body and moves down to the strings, gliding along them and creating an awful sound. Years of neglect has it out of tune.

I get up and go back to the fridge, grabbing the rest of the cans and bring them to my desk. I sit back down and open another beer before picking the guitar up again and start tuning it. Working the instrument is like riding a bike, my fingers haven't forgotten. Soon enough it sounds right again and I play a familiar tune… the first one that comes to mind… the one that Edward and I always played together. The words aren't necessary to me, the music enough to reach into my heart and tear it out.

I miss my friend more than anything… more than I hate myself now. It hurts me to think about how I've treated him these last years. He's never deserved it, just like I don't deserve him in my life. I don't deserve anything.

I throw the guitar across the room and it smashes against the wall, falling to pieces like my heart. I sigh with frustration and finish my third beer, quickly opening a fourth and working on that one. The liquid is thick as it runs down my throat, but still not drowning my sorrow.

How have I let my life get like this? It's not a life at all. I have no one to share anything with. No one to love me the way I wish Edward would.

I face my computer and turn it on, opening up the safe folder. In there I have hidden away, for my nights of sulking, a folder full of memories. Memories of me and Edward before things changed and I became a workaholic dick. They are organized by years and I open the first one… high school.

The image that opens first takes my breath away… it is one of my favorites. I took it the day I met Edward, before I introduced myself. He was sitting on a bench under the massive tree in the school's outside lunch area. He was by himself a guitar in his lap, playing a slow tune with his eyes closed. The picture captured him beautifully… his hair caught in the wind and a mess from his fingers, his creamy skin glowing in the rare sunlight. I wanted him even then.

I'm already on my fifth beer as I flip through the next few pictures and I can finally feel the effect the alcohol is having on me. My face feels flush and pliable, the room unstable beyond my monitor. Perhaps I should have eaten dinner… or lunch.

I remember every moment taken in these photographs, the memories not tainted with time. These were some of the best years of my life. I wish living was as easy as it was back then. There were no cares in my world; as long as I had Edward and a guitar I was good… the rest didn't matter.

Moving on to the next folder, college, my heart wrenches. Edward and I were roommates all four years. First year was when I realized that I was in love with him, that it was more than just attraction to my best friend.

A few pictures in I come across one taken at a trip to the beach during spring break our sophomore year. Someone else took it, capturing us acting like kids and building a sandcastle. It was so childish but we didn't care, laughing as we dug a moat. I can't remember the last time I saw Edward that happy, or even when I was that happy.

The next picture was taken only a few minutes after the one before. I'm staring at Edward, the love clear in my eyes as I watched him fill the moat with ocean water. I remember thinking that I was so lucky to have him, someone so much like me, a kindred spirit… except I couldn't have him the way I wanted to.

I open the last beer as I come to the last picture in the folder, graduation day. Edward and I stand beside each other, arms around waists and posing for his mom. We are looking at each other, proud and excited. I was worried earlier that day that he might be leaving town, leaving me, for a medical program across the country. But right before the ceremony he told me his plans to stay in Washington… that he couldn't bear to leave his family and friends.

He didn't know it, but I had plans to follow him if he did decide to move. I couldn't live without him, my best friend. He was the only family I had left. The year before my parents died in a car accident. It was rough and I had a hard time handling it, but Edward was there for me the whole time, making sure I ate and had a shoulder to cry on.

I switch to the next folder containing all the pictures after college. The first few were in the month following graduation and before my label company was started. Edward and I took off on a road trip to celebrate, driving along the coast to the tip of California, hitting all the best beaches for surfing. It was a trip I will never forget.

It was on our last stop before returning to Seattle that Edward told me. We were sitting on the beach, the setting sun casting brilliant colors across the sky. The moments after I heard the words leave his lips my heart soared with hope, then came crashing back down when I looked in his eyes. They weren't hopeful but troubled, like he was worried. I never really knew why, but I reassured him that there was nothing to worry about between us. We would always be best friends.

I finish off the last beer and finish flipping through the rest of the photos. Opening day… the first record… the first chart topping single. Edward isn't in many of these, his medical program taking up more of his time. He was always there though, supporting me through everything.

I go to take another chug of beer and remember the can is empty. Fuck, I've already finished off a six pack? Looking at the clock on my desk I see that it's 11pm. Good, my birthday is almost over. But now the store is closed and I can't get any more alcohol. I could go home and see what's there but I live too far away to walk in my condition.

I stumble over to the fridge and yank it open… empty. Damn!

Oh wait! My flask, I always forget about it being in my desk. Sitting back down in the chair I slowly open the drawer, afraid that it might not be there. Only a few inches open and I already see the glimmer of stainless steel. My eyes close for a minute, thankful that I saved it. I pull the drawer open all the way and see it laying there next to my gun case.

Picking it up, I shake it lightly. Half full… that should be enough to thoroughly fuck me up.

I spin the cap and take a swig, relishing in the burn that the whiskey leaves in its path. Turning back to the computer, I flip to the last image in the folder… and of me and Edward. It was taken not too long after he met Jake. It was his birthday and a group of us went to a club to celebrate.

I bring the flask to my lips and drink some down.

The picture was taken close to the end of the night. I spent most of it watching him and Jake dance. I remember how happy Edward looked and how ashamed I felt for not being happy for him. I never let him know that of course, on the outside I pretended.

That was almost six years ago. SIX YEARS!

Two more swigs.

I can't even think of any occasion since then that would warrant pictures. I have pretty much turned down any of Edward's attempts to have us and some friends hang out. I still see him from time to time, but only him. It's too hard to watch him with Jake. After all this time they are still together, and Edward still seems happy.

More whiskey.

I've been such an awful friend. Why has he stuck by my side for so long? If the tables were turned would I have done the same? Maybe... if I were the Jasper he used to know.

I've been blowing him off for six years and still he tries. Even today, he called me three times to try and get me to hang out for my birthday and I refused him every time. He deserves someone so much better than me.

He has someone better than me.

I flip back to the first image and take another sip out of my flask. His gorgeous face takes up the screen and I feel a tear escape my watery eyes. He is beautiful inside and out… I am only empty.

I should just let him be rid of me. Then he could live the rest of his happy life without worrying about me. But do I have the strength to live without him? No of course not. He is all I have left and I don't really even have him. There is nothing left for me. No family... I've abandoned all my friends… my business is a sell-out.

I turn and see that the drawer I pulled my flask from is still open. My gun case sits there, almost mockingly. I pull it out and set it in front of me, popping it open and taking the .38 special out. It's hard to grasp in my wobbling hands, but I can tell it is loaded. I set it next to the case on the desk and look back at the image of Edward.

His life would be better without me. And what life would I be leaving behind? This isn't living. I haven't felt alive in so long. I'm like a zombie, just skulking from one day to the next.

I pick up my cell phone and start a new message, typing up a goodbye. He would never forgive me if I didn't say anything. He might not anyways… but at least I won't be a burden.

I have to close one eye to focus on the phone. It takes a bit of time with my trembling hands and blurred vision.

Edwrd

Im sory fo r being such an awful friend. You have always been ther for me and Ive only let you down time nd time again. Im ashamed of who Ive become, and I dont want to be this Jasper anymore.

So… sorry for evrything. Please dont let this get you down. Its not your fault. Im the one not worth anything.

Live your life and be happy. Be what I couldnt be.

I love you E. Always.

Jazz

I press the send button, then turn the phone off and lean back in my chair staring at his picture. I try to remember what it feels like to be as happy as I was back then, to be happy at all. But I can't. I can only feel the pain and longing, the ache that has consumed me for years. No matter how much I tried to let him go, I couldn't.

Now I won't have to, I can go out with the image of his gorgeous face.

I finish off the flask and set it back in the drawer. Looking back at my phone I wish that I could hear his voice one last time… to hear his laugh again, my favorite sound. It is more beautiful than any music.

My shaking hand reaches for the gun. It's cool and heavy in my grasp.

I've never shot it before, never needed to.

I use my other hand to steady the weapon and click the safety off. My heart races as I turn it, pointing at my chest. I close my eyes and breathe deeply through my nose. This is the right decision. No one needs me and no one will be burdened by me anymore.

I press the barrel directly over my heart so I won't miss, and cock it with my thumb. My finger hovers beside the trigger. I take one more glance at the computer, smiling at the serene look on Edward's face.

I close my eyes and take one last deep breath. Many images of Edward flash behind my lids and I smile, glad that he will be the last thing I see.

Just as a finger wraps around the trigger, ready to pull, the door flies open and crashes against the wall. The sudden burst scares me. My body jerks, and my finger pulls the trigger.

Pain courses through me and I see Edward run to me just before my world goes black.

…don't die…

…my best friend…

…fucking bastard…

…need you…

…I love you…

Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep… Beep…

What the hell is that noise?

My eyes slowly flutter open, taking in the hospital room surrounding me. My head is pounding and my shoulder aches. What happened?

I turn my head towards the beeping noise and see the machines they have me hooked up to. They could at least turn the damned volume down.

A flash of bronze catches my attention and I notice Edward sitting in a chair next to my bed, holding my hand and laying his head on his arm against the mattress. His shoulders are shaking slightly and when I ignore the loud machine next to me I can hear his soft crying.

"Ed… Edward" I croak out. His head shoots up and I instantly regret last night. The look on his face is heartbreaking… worse than the pain of not being with him. I did this to him. His eyes are bloodshot and watery, tears flowing past the dark circles beneath them. His hair is in disarray, more than usual, from his fingers running through it and pulling roughly.

He stares at me for a moment though the tears never stop. The emotions in his eyes changing with every second that passes… anger, sadness, worry, love.

I open my mouth to say something, but before I can utter a single word he is out of his seat and leaning over me. I gasp in shock and pain from jerking my head back to see him. His face is only inches from mine, green eyes ablaze with determination.

Then his lips are on mine and I feel alive again.

AN: Please visit TeamFireandIce for contest information and other entries. Thanks DreamingPoet1988 for beta-ing :)