The Bear, the Caucasian, and in the Closet

a.k.a. - How the East Asian Brothers Ended Up in 'Narnia'

Chapter 4: Timbits

"Answer me, are you brothers with that fag or not?"

"Uh, which one?"

"The one with the squinty eyes."

"Which one with the squinty eyes?"

"...The one that got in the anime."

"Ah, China. Uh…well he says we're brothers but I don't -"

"Poor Japan, you look so cold. And your feet look like they're about to fall off. Want to join me in my sleigh?"

"…No thanks, I'll just take my -"

"Join me, Japan," the other said so firmly that Kiku obliged though it could have something to do with her stern glare and how hard she was clenching her knife.

"Don't you think I should get some screen time, or at least some lines? England took the trouble to describe me in the last chapter, but nothing else."

"You weren't supposed to say anything in this chapter either, you useless piece of shit!"

"Sorry you don't recognize my awesomeness, Queen Belarus."

"Sorry no one does, fucker."

…

"Are you seriously having them break the fourth wall again, England? And you call this accurate."

"And what was that thing about a chapter, eh? Aren't you just telling us the story?"

"And what does shit mean? Or fucker?"

"Uh…I guess I just continue where I left off…"

…

By this time, Japan was sitting on the sled with the supposed royal, and was far from comfortable. Other than the strange conversation implying that they were all fictional characters in a British story, there was also the strange woman taking the liberty to inch quite closer to him than he would like, and you know how the Japanese are with their space issues.

"Anyways, Japan, how are you?" Belarus's voice changed from extremely aggravated and angry to a sickly sweet in the matter of second. "You still look really cold." She scooted over even more, draping her arm around the Asian country. Though he was indeed getting warmer, he felt very uncomfortable and didn't think he could ask a woman (especially one he had just met) to take responsibility. So, he just hunched his shoulders, as if trying to make himself appear even smaller.

"How did you come into my land, Japan?"

"Through a wardrobe England put in my brother's house during colonization."

The shorter lady gave him a strange look. "I don't get it either, but…"

"So, would you like a hot drink to warm those blue toes of yours?"

"Not really." And so a cup of what seemed to be butter beer ("Not another reference to one of your stories England!") appeared with a wave of her knife, which was handed it to Honda-sama.

"I could also give you anything food you would like. How about some Toly-Boms, Treacle Fudge, ('Ugh!') or Turkish Delight?"

"Could I have some timbits?"

"What the fuck are timbits?"

"They're like the inside of a donut hole only better."

"That's crazy talk. Why would anyone want to eat the inside of a donut?"

"It's Canadian!"

"It's what? Canadanadana?" ("They don't even know me in the story, eh? Why aren't you guys answering? Oh right, stupid question, eh.")

"Actually I don't know either…but they're delicious! And they're not as messy as donuts, you can just pop them right into your mouth."

"I don't think I can make something that ridiculous. How about something else, like Turkish Delight?"

"No, I'm allergic to that stuff."

"Fine then, timbits it is." And with a wave of her knife, a platter of timbits appeared, which Japan promptly nommed up.

"You see Japan, as a country, I cannot truly reproduce," the Belarusian started caressing his chewing cheeks. "If I were to perish like the albino child over there without truly becoming one with Mother Russia, I would need an heir to take over the throne. You seem like a wonderful young country for the job."

"Lady, I'm older than you by millenniums. And can you stop touching me?"

"No."

"Uh…" the poor Japanese boy tried to reply, but was cut off.

"But, of course you would have to bring your siblings with you," she said, cuddling the other like he was a teddy bear. Or a baby panda.

"W-w-why?" asked a stuttering Honda, too afraid to object. The lady was still holding a knife after all. He tried to distract himself by eating more timbits.

"We need all to become one with Mother Russia, da?"

"S-s-sure. Just let me go now. Please." By now the timbits were finished, and Japan was getting Korea flashbacks. Not a good sign.

"Just bring them to my house, or else. It's over there. Very helpful. Now scram you Jap, and if you come back alone, I'll hug you."

"What?"

"Nothing… Good-bye my comrade!"

After scrambling off the sleigh, he watched the albino dwarf (who was ironically taller than him) lead the reindeer and Queen away. With the relief that the dialogue was finally over, he was coming back to his not so good senses. By now, the shock of a real girl coming on to him had worn off.

'Damn, her eyes were so huge…'

"Mansae! Japan! Japan!" an ever so excited Korea ran from behind and glomped him. And tried to grab his breasts. But learning from experience, Japan quickly escaped from his disgraceful brother's hold.

"You got into Narnia too! This is almost better than a Korean drama! Isn't it wonderful?"

"Uh, sure. Where have you been?"

"With Mr. Toris!"

"Who?" Japan asked while thinking, 'Ah fuck, not more dialogue.'

"The Lithuanian faun I met on the last visit. If you guys hadn't have interrupted me before, you would have known. Anyways I had such a wondrous time, mostly because he wasn't caught."

"Caught?"

"For helping another country not become one with Mother Russia, you get pretty much screwed over, whipped, and a lot of other kinky stuff Mr. Toris told me about that I didn't understand. There's this evil Caucasian witch, who wishes that she's the Queen of Narnia, but really isn't."

"Kinky?" Japan asked, a perverted smile creeping across his face which is much like L's when he says 'Justice will prevail.' Maybe he should go to dear old Bela's house alone.

"What poor Mr. Toris described was even worse than some your porno."

"Wow."

"But come on! We must tell the others," the Korean then dragged the Japanese back through the armoire and to their brothers' room.

…

Oh dear sweet Jesus, this is the most messed up thing I've ever written so far. And that's putting things very lightly. Of course there are much worse things written on this site already.

Can you believe that the word timbits is also not considered spelled correct on Microsoft Word? The horror. But maybe it's because I have the language set an US English and not Canadian English.

Do you know how fun it is to say and type Lithuanian? Lithuanian, Lithuanian, Lithuanian. It's even more fun than saying Canadanadana. Whatever that is.

~Xandra