A/N: So, instead of working on my college AU, I now have a fairytale AU. The good news is that this fic is completely finished! Yay!

This story is a parody of the fairytale "Snow White and Rose Red" by the Brothers Grimm. My sister and I both heard this story a lot when we were kids, but it has come to my attention that it wasn't quite as popular as, say, "Hansel and Gretel" or "Rapunzel." I recommend reading it before this to understand how this is a parody (Google is love), but I hope the story is still entertaining even if you don't read the fairytale it's based on.

Title comes from one aspect of the story I just couldn't explain. Thanks, Leah.

Rating, as always, for language. Oh Lovi.

How to tell who's talking:

-Lots of cursing, esp. "dammit" =Lovi

-Lots of "ve~"ing =Feli

-Extremely happy with lots of "mi tomate"s =Antonio

-American slang, yo =Alfred

-Lack of articles "the" and "a", a la stereotypical Russian accent =Ivan

How Does a Bear Knock on the Door?

By AoNoShi

Once upon a time, there was a small cottage which sat in the middle of a forest clearing, and in this cottage there lived two boys and their widowed father.

The widower, named Antonio, was a happy and carefree man who adored his sons and doted on them as much as he could. Though they didn't have a lot of money, the small family was quite happy in their little cottage in the woods. The fire kept them warm in the winter, and they were able to grow a lovely garden which provided a bountiful harvest of fruits and vegetables—

"Screw that; I want some meat, dammit!"

"But—but look how cute it is! Just like you, mi tomate!"

"I am not cute, bastard! And I want some rabbit for dinner so just kill the damn thing already!"

"No~! Please don't say that, fratello! Papa is right; we should be friends with all the animals in the forest!"

"What is wrong with you people?"

Ah, yes. The two brothers. They were actually a pair of twins. The older brother was named Tomato Red, after their father's favorite food (which would later become a favorite of the older twin's, as well). The younger was named Flag White because of the white flag he was mysteriously able to produce at any given moment.

However, the twins' mother, Roderich, had said, "We are not giving our children such ridiculous names, Antonio!" and had christened them Lovino and Feliciano. Shortly afterwards he ran off with a Hungarian woman. Thankfully, though, his names stuck and the twins did not have to suffer the indignity of being called Tomato Red and Flag White (though Lovino did still get compared to a tomato a lot).

Anyways, despite Lovino's protests both were actually quite cute, much to their father's glee. Although they were twins, their personalities were quite different.

Feliciano was a kind and helpful son, if a bit—er, very much a weakling. During the day he often stayed inside to help with the cleaning and cooking and clothes-mending. He was so kind (and completely harmless) that the animals of the forest never ran away when he approached, but instead remained still and docile and allowed him to pet them.

Lovino, on the other hand, had a gruff manner and coarse mouth. Rather than help with any of the chores, he stayed outside and took naps in the sun. The only thing he ever helped with was harvesting the tomatoes from the garden, but half the time he ended up eating a good portion of the crop. Plus, all the woodland creatures were terrified of him because of his desire to include meat in their meals.

(It wasn't so much that Antonio and Feliciano wanted to be vegetarians—it was just that the town was quite a long walk away, and meat was expensive, and the only animals that lived near their cottage were soooo cute!)

All in all, Lovino was a bit of a troublesome child, but his father and brother loved him anyway. Feliciano was fond of telling the story of one night when the brothers had stayed out too late and gotten lost in the dark of the forest.

Realizing they weren't going to get anywhere until the sun's light returned, they decided to lie down for the night and wait until morning to find their way back home.

Feliciano had gone to sleep immediately, but fear of the scarier creatures of the forest, the ones that only roamed at night, made his slumber restless. At one point he had woken up from a nightmare, only to see Lovino still awake, sitting up and keeping watch, amber eyes glinting fiercely in a small shaft of moonlight that had broken through the gnarled branches above.

Comforted, he'd almost instantly fallen back into a calm, peaceful sleep. Lovino blushed and scowled every time the story was brought up.

"Why do you keep talking about that, dammit? We're the only three people here and we all already know what happened."

"Aw, but I like that story, mi tomate! It shows your sweet side!"

"I don't have a sweet side, bastard! And stop calling me a tomato!"

"Ve~ I think fratello is very sweet! He kept all the wild animals away for us, ve~"

"Sh-shut up! It's not like I was staying awake to protect you or anything; I just couldn't sleep. There isn't anything dangerous in this forest anyway. If there was anything like that I'd leave you behind as bait while I got the hell out of there."

"Ve, no you wouldn't~"

"Ahhh, Tomato Red! Your face looks so cute all red like that! Just like a tomato~!"

"Especially don't call me that! Chigi!"

As a matter of fact, Feliciano was right: Lovino had kept the animals away, although not on purpose. Even the wolves were afraid of Lovino's carnivorous cravings.

(Break Here)

The happy family stayed inside together on the first day of winter. The autumn days had been getting progressively colder, and that morning they had woken up to the first snowfall of the season.

None of them were very fond of cold weather, so the time was passed indoors with Lovino reading and Feliciano painting. Mostly Antonio just watched them, giggling occasionally.

They were used to it.

That night, however, something happened that had never happened before—someone knocked on the door.

All three of the cottage's occupants looked at each other. Who could it possibly be, this far out in the woods?

"Open the door, Lovi! It might be a lost traveller, stuck out in the snow!" Antonio cried.

"Why do I have to do it? Besides, it could also be a psycho mass murderer for all we know."

"Ve, that's silly fratello. Why would a murderer come out here? We should definitely let them in!"

"Why would anyone be out there in the snow—especially someone in their right mind?" But, seeing the pleading and woeful expressions on their faces, Lovino rolled his eyes and opened the door.

It wasn't a murderer, but it wasn't a traveller, either.

It was a bear. A huge, shaggy black bear.

Lovino screamed and scrambled away. Feliciano hid himself under the bed with lightning speed and Antonio stared at the animal fearfully from where he sat.

"Haha, okay, I know this looks pretty bad, but I swear I'm not here to eat ya or anything," the bear said.

"…Holy shit the fucking bear just talked!" Lovino exclaimed.

"Language, tomate," Antonio scolded, momentarily distracted from the huge predator by his oldest son's uncute behavior.

The bear didn't seem too fazed by the swearing, however. It merely said, "So anyway, my name's Alfred."

"Hello, Alfred," chorused Antonio and Feliciano, who was still halfway hidden under the bed.

Lovino said nothing, and the bear noticed. It blinked at him for a moment, then seemed to shrug its shoulders and addressed Antonio again.

"Dunno if you've noticed, but it's super cold outside, and I'm freezing my butt off out there."

Lovino saw his father and brother nod sympathetically; he gave them a disbelieving glare. They were feeling sorry for a bear. The thing had fur didn't it?

…And teeth. And huge, sharp claws. Oh Christ.

"So I saw there was smoke coming out of the chimney here and I was wondering if I could hang out by your fire tonight. I swear I won't hurt you or anything, it's just that I hate the cold. Really, reeeeeally hate it."

"You poor thing!" Antonio stood to usher the bear all the way inside and shut the door behind it. Lovino noticed with horror he was wearing the same expression as if he'd just spotted an adorable fluffy animal.

The bear—or Alfred, as it apparently went by—ambled towards the fire.

"Oh wait, before you sit down," Antonio said. "Boys, why don't you come out and brush the snow off our guest's coat?"

"Okay!" Feliciano chirped, emerging from his hiding place and heading towards Alfred. Lovino opened his mouth to protest this new lunacy, but his idiot brother had already moved forward and begun grooming the bear.

Well fuck. Lovino stepped forward as well—because he had to protect his little brother, of course. Not because he kind of wanted to touch the bear, too.

Alfred's fur was coarse, and slick with water where the snow was already beginning to melt in the warmth of their cottage. He helped Feliciano brush clumps of snow off the bear's coat. He huffed a bit as he realized this would create quite a few puddles, but the noise caused the bear to look at him again, so he fell silent.

Finally, relatively free of the cold powder, Alfred lumbered onto a dry spot on the hearth and flopped down. He gave a contented, comfortable-sounding growl.

"Oh man that feels so much better. Thanks! Uh…"

"My name's Antonio," their father said, smiling. "And these are my boys, Tomato Red and Flag White—"

Lovino's face turned bright red (not like a tomato, dammit!)

"Our names are Lovino and Feliciano, dumbass, not those ridiculous ones you came up with!"

"Aw, but I like my names!"

"Well sure they're cute names," Alfred cut off Lovino's impending tirade. Antonio perked up hearing their guest agree with him. "But they are kind of a mouthful."

"True, true," Antonio admitted with a laugh, flapping his hand in a 'wave it off' gesture. "Lovi and Feli will work, then."

"That's Lovino and Feliciano, stupid."

"Ve~ I don't mind being called Feli."

Lovino shot his brother a sour look.

Alfred began to laugh (in a bearish sort of way).

"What's so funny?" Lovino demanded.

"Haha, uh, nothing. It's just…you've got a nice place here. A nice family."

And with that statement Alfred won over his idiot father and brother and became a frequent guest of their cottage.

(Break Here)

Sometime in December…

Every night Alfred arrived at the door, was brushed off by Feliciano (Lovino helped sometimes—very, very grudgingly), and spent the night next to the fire. In the mornings, Lovino would open the door and let him back out into the snow, watching as he disappeared into the forest.

The boys both grew bolder with their guest, progressing from staring to sidling closer to poking and eventually reaching the point where they would sit next to him and play with his fur.

(It said something about Antonio as a parent that he thought the sight of his children playing with a bear was adorable.)

One night, Lovino was curled up against Alfred's side, idly twining some black fur around his fingers.

"Comfortable?" Alfred asked in a low, rumbling voice.

"No," returned Lovino immediately. "Are you?"

"Definitely." He stretched his neck a bit and yawned. Lovino stared at the bear's teeth—not scared (how could he be, of an idiot like Alfred?), but fascinated.

Suddenly he felt the bear jerk, and Alfred let out a loud "Ow!"

What kind of bear says 'ow'? Lovino wondered. Then he realized he'd been tugging at Alfred's fur a bit too harshly in his reverie.

He was about to apologize when Alfred spoke.

"Tomato Red, my dear Lovino,

Why do you hurt you lover so?"

An awkward pause followed.

"Did…did you just speak in verse?"

"Huh. Guess I did. That's weird."

"No shit it's weird. And what the fuck was the supposed to mean, 'your lover'? And did you call me Tomato Red?"

"Haha, um, maybe?"

(Break Here)

Sometime in January…

Feliciano was the one who discovered that the huge bear like to have his tummy rubbed. This was too good to pass up, so after that all three members of the family would take turns every night, while Alfred stretched out on his back.

"Honestly, you're like a giant dog or something," Lovino muttered one night when it was his turn to rub. Alfred's left hind leg was twitching.

Alfred made a high keening noise.

"Bears," Lovino continued, "do not usually make that kind of sound. Or talk at all. Or sprawl on the fucking floor getting their stomachs rubbed."

"True," Alfred admitted. "Can you—can you go a little to the right? Oooh, yes."

Lovino blushed for no reason.

"Shouldn't you be in hibernation or something?"

"Mm, not sleepy."

"…You are not a normal bear."

(Break Here)

Sometime in February…

Sometimes after Feliciano and Antonio went to bed, Lovino would stay up and talk to Alfred. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always fun and interesting.

Not that Lovino would admit that, of course.

One night, they talked about food.

They agreed that tomatoes were delicious, although Lovino was much more passionate about them and Alfred received several solid whacks for making jokes about the boy's other name.

"What I really want, though," Lovino explained, "is some meat. There are so many delicious dishes you can make with a good piece of meat."

"Oh yeah, definitely. I absolutely love beef," agreed Alfred. He shifted a bit. "If you want, once the animals start returning for the spring, I'll catch you something."

"…Really?"

"Sure. I am a bear, you know. No problem catching some animals. Bringin' home the bacon and all that—oh my God, Lovi, you're smiling!"

"Am not," the boy muttered into Alfred's fur, hiding his face.

Alfred had promised him meat…and he'd called the cottage 'home.'

(Break Here)

Sometime in late March…

Evening was fast approaching. Lovino stood outside, surveying the garden. With no small amount of satisfaction, he noticed the tomato plants were beginning to green again.

Spring was coming.

He heard a rustling behind him and turned to see Alfred. In the bear's mouth, he carried the limp form of a rabbit. Lovino smiled.

That night they ate well; Feliciano stewed the rabbit with herbs and the last of their tomato preserves. Lovino almost moaned over the first mouthful. Alfred lapped at his own portion eagerly, eliciting giggles from Feliciano and Antonio. After the meal, warm and well fed, they turned in early and slept soundly through the night.

(Break Here)

Lovino awoke early that morning when a wet nose pressed against his cheek.

"Mm…Alfred?" He looked over blearily. "What is it?"

"Need you to let me out."

"Ugh, it's too fucking early. Wake me up closer to noon or something." He rolled over and attempted to go back to sleep.

"Loooooovi," Alfred insisted, softly so as not to wake the others.

Lovino got up slowly, grumbling under his breath. "Why does it have to be right now?" he demanded in a harsh whisper.

"It's…well, spring is officially here now."

"Yeah, and?"

"And I kinda hafta leave. And not come back."

Lovino froze. "What?"

"Uh, well you see, during the winter the ground is all frozen so the bad guys are stuck underground. Now that it's thawing out and stuff I have to go and make sure they're kept under control."

"Villains?" he choked out.

"You know, like trolls and dwarves and stuff. Those things are kleptos like you wouldn't believe."

"Why do you have to do it?" Lovino asked, voice starting to grow louder as he became more and more upset.

"'Cuz I'm the hero," Alfred said simply.

The…hero?

"Well then why the fuck can't you be a hero and still come back here?"

"I—that just—it won't work, Lovi." Alfred's bear shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry."

Lovino stood, eyes closed and fists clenched. He was trembling—with rage or grief, he couldn't tell which. Maybe even both. After a moment, he threw open the door with a slam.

"Get out."

"Lovi—"

Get out, get out, get out!"

Alfred paused, but then turned and loped quickly for the exit. Lovino was already beginning to close the door after him, and in his haste to make it out, the side of Alfred's head grazed the side of the doorframe and left behind a clump of fur.

Lovino threw the door shut behind him. He dropped down heavily to sit on the floor, legs curled up to his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Antonio and Feliciano staring, but he ignored them in favor of burying his face in his knees.

He began to take deep, gasping breaths. His eyes burned, but dammit, he was not going to cry over Alfred. Over some stupid bear.

For Alfred, who cared about what he wanted and didn't mind his language or his prickliness and who talked to him for hours—

"I won't cry," he muttered, even as the knees of his trousers grew damp.

(Break Here)

Later, looking back, he swore he'd seen a flash of color where part of Alfred's coat had torn away—something shining and gold.

But he didn't care about that stupid bear, dammit.

And he most certainly did not miss him.

A/N: And I think I'll stop there for now. No worries, though, the rest is already written. So this should only be a two-shot.

Obviously there are a few differences from the original fairytale, and I switch back and forth between fairy-tale narrator and modern-narrator…but whatever. Hope you enjoy it so far.

I swear that's the only angsty part…

Reviews appreciated!