Denial, by Charcoal Heart
Rated M for yaoi in later chapters
NaruSasu, SasuNaru

I am Sasuke Uchiha. And I am not gay. I just happen to be completely infatuated with a blond man named Naruto Uzumaki.

A/N: Hello, hello, dear reader. Welcome to my debut story since my long, long break from FFN. My inspiration has returned, and I hope to entertain you all with my writing. Please give me some feedback. Tell me what you think.

Because without you readers, I would be nothing. :O

Enjoy!

EDIT: I have made the version in adherence to the site's regulations. As such, I have posted the full-length story (with the goody bits and all) on Archive of Our Own (AO3) under the same pen name. See you there...

I saw him. In the midst of the sea of people, I saw him, with the light in his eyes extinguished but his head still held high. He was strong, but he was beginning to break.

He had been defeated. The look in his eyes told me he had recently gone through a rough breakup. But his posture, that sort of demeanor, it was all to please the public eye. No one wanted to see a grown man cry.

It was difficult to see such a man, with such pretty features, try so hard to keep from breaking down. I had half a mind to walk over to him and tell him everything was going to be all right.

But the other half of my mind, the rational part of my mind, was holding back. What was I hoping to expect, offering comforting words to a complete stranger? What was I hoping to accomplish?

I held back and watched him from a distance. He continued to push forward through the crowd, and I continued to follow him. It wasn't until the crowd began to thin out that I started to slow my pace and kept a larger distance between us.

We ended up at the harbor, the pungent smell of seawater and fish invading my nose. I could hear the waves slapping against the dock, and it was a sort of soothing, almost rhythmical sound. It was still sunny out, and I squinted as the sun rays hit the water, spreading white light out on the crests and troughs of the waves further out from the harbor.

He stopped, and I stopped as well. I had accidentally closed the gap between us so that we were no more than a couple feet away from one another. He turned around, and my heart began to beat faster and harder.

"I know you've been following me for at least the past fifteen minutes," he said with his head still held high.

I had been found out.

With a cool head, I stepped forward and extended a hand towards him. He took a step back himself, apprehensive of me, a random, tall, pale man who had followed him, a strong, blond, tan man to the harbor.

Honestly, I didn't blame him for being suspicious of me.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha," I said as I continued to hold my hand out, "and yes, I have been following you. But my intentions are less than dangerous."

The man gave me a look, stepped forward, and took my hand in his. He gave me a firm shake of the hand and released, letting his hand fall slowly down to his side.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki," he replied, then paused for a moment, "Why are you following me?"

Naruto Uzumaki.

The name itself, in its entirety, flowed through my mouth as easily as water would on a hot summer day.

Naruto Uzumaki.

I could get used to saying that name. I could get used to calling him like a familiar.

If only he would soften that harsh look on his face. I was tempted to reach out and smooth out the wrinkles between his eyebrows with my thumb. But again, I held back.

Who was this man? Who was this man, who so subtly attracted me to come to his aid?

"Like I said, I don't have any bad intentions," I said, "But I have a feeling that you need help of some sort."

Naruto scoffed after a moment's pause, "Help? You think I need help? Look, buddy, if you're from some religious group, I don't want any part of it. God can't do anything to help me now."

"I'm not soliciting."

"Well, it seems like you are," Naruto said as he suddenly went defensive.

"I'm not," I said, my patience wearing a bit, "I spotted you in the crowd and you seemed...I don't know. You seemed as if you needed someone to talk to."

"So you think I'm some lonely sap."

"No!" I said loudly, my patience suddenly broken, "No, stop assuming things. I just really thought - I'm sure you loved her with all your heart."

Naruto stopped. His body movements had completely halted; not even a single muscle moved on his body. He stared hard at me for a few moments, then stared out at the water.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Naruto snapped, his voice getting harsh, "How would you know? And why would you care? I'm just some fucking dipshit who has no future, and here you are, assuming shit like it's your business."

Naruto turned back towards me and his face had distorted into an ugly expression of anger and fear. He was scared. Scared of the fact that I had pinpointed his exact problem, it seemed.

"I'm only assuming because of your face," I said as I finally began to explain myself, "your expression - I've seen it before. You've been hurt deeply by someone. I would know. I got hurt once, too."

My voice, for some reason or another, had softened. I was determined to help this man out, with all my heart.

And I wasn't even sure why.

On the other hand, Naruto didn't seeem to appreciate my butting in. His facial expression changed; his eyes began to light up, and his lips thinned out a little.

"No, you wouldn't even know how to understand what I've gone through!" Naruto yelled; I flinched at the harshness in his tone, "My life, my entire life, I've been constantly hurt by everyone I've trusted. And now, even the woman I loved, the woman who I thought I would be able to spend the rest of my life with, even she betrayed me. I can't do it anymore."

To my surprise, Naruto began to cry. Drop after drop, tears welled up at the corners of his eyes and spilled over, rolling down his cheeks in a messy waterfall. His voice remained choked in his throat as he sobbed. He sniffed multiple times, unable to keep his nose from running. He didn't even bother to wipe his tears; he just continued to cry, and old tears were pushed out of the way by new tears as they streamed down his cheeks.

I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected such a reaction from this man. I could do nothing for him.

It was such a strong, raw emotion etched on his face; every single wrinkle brought to life all the hardships, all the anguish he had accumulated over his entire existence.

And I could do nothing for him except watch him cry.

After a good ten, uninterrupted minutes, Naruto began to slow the flow of tears. He wiped the remaining tears from his eyes with his sleeve, but more tears just sprang back up, decorating his blond eyelashes with drops like dew on leaves in the early morning. As he slowed his breathing, he began to hiccup and covered his mouth in embarrassment.

"Ah-" Naruto said as he hiccuped, "I'm - sorry. I'm - so sorry for - that. I don't - know what got over - me."

I didn't know what I was feeling at that moment. After witnessing such a morose, such a beautifully melancholic, raw moment, I didn't know whether to comfort him or join him in empathy.

Watching Naruto cry was like watching the world collapse before your eyes.

It was such a heart-wrenching ten minutes of my life; I didn't know what to do or what to think.

All I knew was that I never wanted to see Naruto cry like that again.

"It's all right," I said as the corners of my lips lifted, "Would you like to come over for some coffee?"

oooOOooo

I never knew how I managed to convince Naruto to come up to my place.

But there he was, sitting on my couch, his toes rubbing the shag rug beneath his feet. I sat across from him on the loveseat, leaning towards one side on the armrest.

"So," I said as I stared at Naruto, "are you all right?"

"I guess so," he said with a sigh.

Naruto had long recovered from his hiccups and from the post-crying heaves. His eyes were just starting to puff from all the crying, however, which began to compromise his once-pretty face.

"You know," Naruto said as he stared down at the shag rug, "I'm not sure what set me off today. I haven't cried like that since...well, since I was a kid. But I'm really sorry you had to experience that. It must have been uncomfortable for you."

I waved a hand, dismissing his apology. I sat up straight in my seat and clenched my hands in my lap.

"I pushed you to that point. So I'm sorry. It wasn't right for me to butt into your business like that," I said apologetically.

Naruto shook his head and said, "If anything, I should thank you for that. I haven't had a good cry in years. I feel liberated from all the disappointments I experienced these last few years."

With no words to say, I stared at the shag rug Naruto was playing with. We sat there in silence, each contemplating hard.

I got up when the coffee maker beeped, the aroma of roasted beans permeating the entire apartment. As I turned towards the cabinet for two mugs, Naruto surprised me by wrapping his arms around my torso from behind. He constricted me tightly, and I could only stand there awkwardly with my arms up, with my back towards him. I couldn't even return the hug if I wanted to.

"It's as if you were sent to save me, Sasuke."

Oh, the way he said my name, the way he enunciated every syllable with equal importance. If only he knew how much faster and harder my heart began to beat.

"Naruto," I said softly, "You can let go now."

As he loosened his hold on me, I reached for the two mugs I initially wanted and set them down on the counter.

"Look, Naruto," I said as I turned to lean on the counter and face him, "before we get any feelings mixed up, I'm not gay. Regardless of whether you are or not, I still want to be friends with you. Is that all right?"

Naruto cocked his head to one side in confusion. Then his lips cracked a small smile, which grew and grew until a big, happy, goofy smile adorned his tan face. He let out a hearty laugh, which surprised me.

"I'm not gay either, Sasuke. But yes, friends would be nice."

I smiled, perhaps not as largely as Naruto, and proceeded to prepare the coffee for my friend.

I have a friend named Naruto Uzumaki.

oooOOooo

For the next few weeks, Naruto and I became fast friends; we went drinking together on weekends. Naruto would sometimes even crash on my couch if he overdid himself. Unluckily for me, that usually meant he spent quality time with the toilet bowl.

Despite all that, it was nice having someone to wake up to, even if that person usually looked like complete shit the next morning. Our weekend drinking became a habit of sorts, a routine to which Naruto and I stuck to. On most occasions, however, that meant me taking care of Naruto after his binges.

This weekend was no exception.

"I-I'm not drunk," Naruto said as he toddled down the hall precariously.

I shook my head, letting the buzzed feeling overtake me for a moment or two before I unlocked the door to my apartment.

"Naruto, you realize that denial is the first indication of someone who's drunk off his ass, don't you? Look at you; you can't even walk down the hall in a straight line," I said, poking fun at the wasted blond.

When I opened the door, Naruto barely made it inside, never mind making it over to the couch on his own. I laughed stupidly at his drunken self, shaking my head as I sat on the loveseat across from him.

We sat there in stupid silence, mostly due to Naruto's inability to form proper sentences. However, after a couple of minutes passed, Naruto began to sprout slurred sentences. I could barely make out what he was saying; he omitted various words and syllables, making it somewhat difficult to understand him.

"You've been such (a) good friend," Naruto slurred, "I can('t) repay you. After (my) girlfriend left, I wanted to kill myself. But you save(d) me. Sas(uke), you save(d) me. That day, the day you follow(ed me). You save(d) me!"

Standing up, I replied more soberly than he, "Naruto, you're drunk. Stop saying nonsensical things and get some rest. You look like shit."

Naruto continued to speak, as if he hadn't heard me at all, "I want(ed) to die, throw myself off (the) harbor then. But you! You save(d) me. I love you, Sas(uke). I love you."

Well, I understood him then. For some reason, my throat tightened and I began to feel hot. If Naruto wasn't so inebriated, he would definitely have noticed my reddening face and uneasy demeanor.

"It's the alcohol speaking. You really need sleep, Naruto."

As if determined to prove himself, Naruto stood up and said with much more conviction, "I love you! Sasuke!" before plopping back down on the couch. He blinked at me and said in a smaller voice, "I...love you." He turned his head to the side and almost immediately knocked out. I could hear his breathing slow down.

Honestly, I had no words for Naruto's outburst. He was drunk off his ass; of course he would do stupid shit like profess his love to me.

But at the same time, I pondered and thought about it; what if Naruto really did love me? Whether or not he did, I refused to believe such drunken statements unless they were soberly confirmed. And besides, as far as I knew, Naruto was not gay.

And Naruto was also very drunk. He obviously didn't know what he was saying.

As my body calmed, the feeling of sleepiness got to me. The right amount of alcohol would do that to me. Without further afterthought, I retreated to my bedroom, changed, and fell asleep almost as easily as Naruto did.

oooOOooo

I randomly woke up in the middle of the night. Why that happened, I wasn't quite sure. But I knew that I wasn't getting back to sleep any time soon so I got out of bed, the cool post-winter air hitting my bare skin.

I walked out of my room towards the living room but paused when I heard rustling and heavy breathing. Apprehensively, I walked over to the couch and saw the most beautiful, most unholy scene unveil right before my eyes.

Naruto was jerking himself off. On my fucking couch.

He had shut his eyes tight, with his bottom lip at the mercy of his teeth as he bit hard. His blond hair shone, even in the small beams of moonlight that managed to seep past the window curtains. My heart began to beat faster and harder as I continued to look, as my eyes continued to survey the (clothed) tan body that took refuge on my couch for the night.

Naruto's hand pumped his erect cock with such fervor. I was almost afraid that he would chafe his own skin from his enthusiasm. He looked as if he knew what he was doing, as if he had done this many times before. It was like watching a real professional do his job.

I didn't know what to think. It was just so beautiful.

Naruto was so focused, so at ease with himself, that he didn't seem to notice my being there. Before he could notice me, I slipped back into my room, shutting the door with a soft click.

I then realized that I was erect. I was fully erect. And hard.

Without wasting time, I pulled my shorts down, along with my boxers, in one smooth motion. I lied down on my bed, my bare ass feeling the cool fabric of my bedding.

I was a voyeur. A fucking, dirty voyeur. I secretly watched Naruto jerk himself off, and that alone had aroused me.

What the fuck was it about Naruto that made him so attractive?

Why did I find him so attractive?

I arched my back upward from my bed slightly, torturing myself as the overwhelming feeling of ecstasy compromised my every thought.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, "Fuck, Naruto-"

I began to fasten my pace, the rhythmic beats of my pumps imprinting themselves into my muscles.

I reimagined Naruto on the couch, with his shirt pushed up and his own hand on his cock, pumping himself in an almost hypnotic, rhythmic beat that matched my own. I imagined breathy moans escaping past his lips, as if he was liberating a little piece of his soul, a little piece of himself that would never reach Heaven.

I was driving myself crazy just thinking about him on my couch. I pumped harder, faster, until I felt myself falling outside the border of sanity.

Not willing to suppress myself any longer, I released all the pleasure, all the built-up tension that I was holding for the past few weeks. Still breathing hard, I cleaned myself up immediately, feeling the awkward post-ejaculation weakness rob me of any stability in my body as I moved through the room to grab the tissue box.

I lied back down on my bed and threw the covers over me. I didn't even bother putting my pants back on.

For the next half hour my brain continued to buzz over what had just happened.

I just jerked off at the thought of Naruto.