We are well-aware that this fanfiction may be offensive.

And we don't care.

NOT quite true... we apologize to any of the NICE, OPEN-MINDED Sonamy/Amy fans who happen to read this. As in, those who don't leave flames.

The easily-offended SonAmy fans who leave flames for perfectly good stories, however, are invited to flame. Be warned that this is a parody and, thus, meant to be comical.

We don't own Sonic the Hedgehog.

But please, donate to the 'Buy-Out-Sonic-Franchise-and-Make-It-Cool-Again Foundation' It would mean a lot to us.

Amy the Mary-Sue!
Starring: Amy Rose and Sonic T. Hedgehog! (Guess starring Tails the Fox and EGGBELLY-MAN)

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young hedgehog girl named Amy Rose. She had sparkling green eyes and wore beautiful red dresses outlining gentle curves, far greater than any twelve year old should have, along with matching boots. Her fur was rose pink and neatly laid upon her soft, tanned skin. Upon her head was a stylish, popular clear-cut styling with a red headband. But since the authoress is getting nauseous from describing Amy in such a way, let's continue on with the story, shall we?

Upon a sunny afternoon Amy Rose, with a pair of binoculars, walked through Station Square Park. Not to spy on Sonic. Of. Course. Not. As she was walking, however, her fashionable designer boots that were not made for walking in landed over a small stone. This resulted in Amy tripping, falling forward... and into the waiting arms of some people's favorite hedgehog.

Amy looked up with a gasp. Was it her Soniku? Alas, it was not. The hedgehog looking at her had crimson eyes and stared with a hard, stony gaze that softened upon resting on her form.

"Amy, sweet rose of Station Square, are you alright?" Shadow asked, helping her back to her feet. Amy smiled at him.

"Oh, I'm alright," She responded.

Shadow nodded, then wrung his hands, suddenly becoming nervous, "So, Amy... would you like to go on a-"

"NNOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried a distant voice. Both hedgehogs looked around to find the source of the call. Suddenly, between them, a bright light burned, then calmed, revealing Silver the Hedgehog, holding a Chaos Emerald, "Amy Rose, beloved queen of the past, come with ME to the future. We can live happily together!"

"No!" A voice, metallic and scratchy, called over them both. From seemingly nowhere, Metal Sonic ran up to Amy with a diamond ring, "Amy Rose, beauty of the organics, will you be mine?"

Shadow huffed, pushing them both back, "I got here first!"

All three of them stated squabbling, then pulled out their Chaos Emeralds to prepare for an epic three-way battle to determine the winner of Amy Rose's heart. Before they could begin (Much to the disappointment of the reader, who wants to see action) Amy made her way to the middle, sighing melodramatically.

"Oh, now boys, no need to fight," She spoke sweetly, yet dramatically, "I know you all find me irresistibly attractive- why wouldn't you?" Here, she struck a random yet sensual pose, "but alas, my heart already belongs to the most worthy of men!" Amy sighed dreamily, swooning, "Sonic the Hedgehog!"

The camera switches to Sonic, who stood nearby at a chili dog cart about to eat a chili dog. His glance turned away from the untouched treat when he felt hard, angry stares on him. He looked towards the hard, angry faces of Shadow, Silver and Metal Sonic, "What?"

"Soniku!" Amy gasped, running after her hedgehog hero. It took Sonic mere milliseconds to realize the danger he was in, and even less time to run away like a chicken with it's head cut off. And supersonic speed shoes. When Amy leapt to glomp her hero, she was sorely disappointed, instead landing on the ground. All the male suitors, and all the male men (and Silver) lifted her up and put her together again.

"Are you alright, Amy?" The girl brushed dirt off her dress, smiling like that hadn't happened.

"I am alright, my many friends," Amy declared, "But now, I must go to my bestest girlfriend, Tails, to ask about how to win my Soniku's heart."

As Amy walked off, her suitors staring blankly, Silver curiously commented, "Hey wait... isn't Tails a boy?"

Some miles away, in a small workshop, Miles Prower -better known by you lesser fans as Tails- was putting the final tweaks on his newest invention. This was a machine that could convert water molecules to food. It was brilliant. And totally not stolen from the 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs' movie. Not. At. All. Anyways, Tails bit his lip in concentration, as all his undivided attention was needed to finish the device that could cure world hunger.

"TAAAIIILLLLSSS!"

The sudden screech caused the twin-tailed fox to look up in surprise. The wrench banged against a fuel cell within the machine, causing it to explode. When Amy finally knocked down the front door, she found her bestest girlfriend covered in black ash, smoking from the tips of his fur.

She gasped, "Oh Tails! You really must learn to be more careful!"

It took all the foxes inner strength not to tackle the hedgehog female right at that second, "Yeah, silly me," He grabbed a towel off a nearby chair and started wiping the ashes off his fur and face, "So, was there any particular reason you came to visit me?"

"Oh, yeah!" Amy giggled obnoxiously, "I almost forgot! I need my bestest girlfriend to whip me up some sort of uber-cool invention to help me catch my man, Sonic T. Hedgehog!" She stared off into space dreamily.

Tails stared blankly at Amy, "...I'm not sure where to even start commenting on that. And for the last time, I AM NOT A GIRL!" Tails screamed at Amy, "Nor am I your 'bestest friend'! I don't even really like you! And Sonic, as a childhood friend from before I had the pleasure of meeting you, outranks you by multiple points. Which means... bye-bye! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" The kitsune turned around to try and salvage his invention.

Smoke rose out of Amy's ears and nostrils, her beautiful appearance being transformed into one of demonic preposition. Her face turned red, her eyes started glowing and a hammer magically appeared in her hands. She swung it up over her head, bringing it down while yelling, "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" The fox turned around, noticed the danger and tried to cover himself, only to be knocked back into a wall. Amy raised her hammer for the finishing blow, while Tails scooted as far into a nearby corner as possible.

"TAILS! YO, TAILS!" Sonic bolted in, not noticing Amy, "Hey, could I borrow the- HOLY TACO SHELLS! IT'S AMY! I thought I lost you at the park..." Sonic scratched the top of his head in puzzlement.

Suddenly, Demon!Amy dispersed and Lovable!Amy appeared from nowhere, squealing like a little girl in the presence of her hedgehog hero. She glomped him successfully, "Oh, Soniku! I just came here for some spying equipment to watch you sleep at night, but then you come here all on your own! IT MUST BE FATE!" Sonic gently pushed Amy off, giving her a stern glance.

"Amy. You just beat poor Tails into oblivion," Said fox was bleeding unconscious on the floor, "You admit to gaining the equipment to stalk me, and you're still convinced we're destined to be? Get real!" Before Amy could interpret that, the ceiling cracked open and a metallic claw picked up the pink hedgehog, causing her to gasp in terror as she stared into the butt ugly face of Doctor Ro-butt-nik.

He growled at the screen, "Stop that, stupid writer-person! It's for that reason that I changed my name to EGGMAN! Glory of the Robotnik name!" Right, so EGGBELLY-MAN (Eggman: GRR!) looked at Amy, "Eh, I'm bored, so I'll kidnap your girlfriend and hold her hostage at my base in the middle of the canyon on the other side of this island for no particular reason other than just to bug you."

Amy Rose stopped struggling at the mention of 'girlfriend', "See, Sonic? I am your girlfriend! Even my kidnapper thinks so!"

And so, EGGBELLY-MAN and the kidnapped Amy disappeared into the sky. Sonic let out a sigh of relief, "Whew, two birds with one stone."

"Sonic, I don't like her, either, but the authoress demands we get Eggman back for insulting her and her proud title of Authoress," Tails reported, somewhat reluctant. After all, he didn't want to rescue Amy either.

Sonic looked at him, "Weren't you mortally injured a few moments ago?"

"Plot hole," Tails shrugged.

And thus, the two set out on an EPIC quest to the other side of the island, where they battle robots, giant frogs, Amy statues, Eggman statues, combos of Amy AND Eggman statues ("The most hideous thing I've ever seen," Sonic shuttered) and a singing lady with an umbrella of DOOM! They journey far and long... actually, it took about half an hour, including the time they took battling with the singing lady's enchanted sheep, to cross the island and reach the base of Eggman. They broke in, epic battles, etc. etc.

And, because this is a Sonic game, we need a final boss with a cool appearance and a relatively easy battle strategy. So out of nowhere pops up a robot near the size of the gigantic room they're in. It's about one-hundred times the size of our heroes, but that doesn't frighten them, does it? Yes it does! But they have no choice but to fight it because the exit is blocked and there are no hiding places in there. The robot takes up most of the room with it's vast size. Anyway, the robot brings down its giant fist, and Sonic buzz saws through it like he'd done a thousand times in the past.

Tails looked up from his randomly grabbed abacus, "Actually, one-thousand six-hundred forty-three times," Wow. The nerd kept count.

Anyway, the machine fell apart under Sonic's super-sonic buzz saw spin. Don't ask me how; EGGBELLY-MAN just sucks at making good machines nowadays. While EGGBELLY-MAN mourned his machine, Sonic kicked him.

"Mission accomplished," He told Tails with a thumbs-up. Just then, Amy Rose ran over from nowhere and glomped Sonic. The blue hedgehog moaned.

Amy smiled, the stars lighting up in her eyes... it was kinda creepy and sick, "Soniku! I knew you'd come and save me! I love you! My hero!"

Sonic stared at her, about to correct her when suddenly the two were zapped by EGGBELLY-MAN'S electrozap ray! The shock covered them both with black ash and caused them both to stop whatever they were doing (Amy was glomping Sonic. Sonic was just standing there, debating the pros and cons of pushing her off) and freeze in place. They blinked. Twice.

Amy went into demon!Amy mode again, "YOU- YOU- YOU- I'M GONNA TURN YOU INTO PANCAKES AND SERVE YOU WITH BUTTER AND WHIPPED CREAM!" She lifted her hammer far up above her head and began pummeling poor EGGBELLY-MAN.

Sonic stared at her, one eye twitching, "Ah, Amy?"

"Hm?" She stopped killing EGGBELLY-MAN long enough to look Sonic in the eye.

"Just so we're clear, you could've broken out at any time?"

Amy thought about it, "Yeah, I could've. Easily."

"So why DIDN'T YOU?"

Amy giggled, twirling a lock of her pink hair between her fingers, "Why, my darling Soniku, what kind of damsel in distress would I be if I rescued myself?"

Sonic stared at her a moment before running in the opposite direction as fast as he could. Tails followed, calling for Sonic to wait up. Amy pouted.

"Well, at least I'm not as much of a Mary-Sue as Princess Elise!"

EGGBELLY-MAN, meanwhile, cried for his mommy.

This... is the ULTIMATE POWER!

Uh, sure...

What?

Nevermind. In the meanwhile, I invite the flamers to flame, the reviewers to review, and the rest of you to go about your days.

And to CurlyToppedYeti, if he is reading this... WRITE AND POST SOMETHING ALREADY, YA LAZY BUM!