A/N: So, this is my attempt at trying to do something light-hearted with servings of smut. I won't make a habit out of it, I promise, but the idea came into my head and I had to write it down. It's short. It's to the point. There's a lot of dialogue, a lot jokes, and even more ego-squashing.

You can find the trailer for this fic on youtube, too. Just search for it.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

2 Oct 2018 - Hi. Hello. Yes, this has been updated. All the chapters have. I'm older, wiser, and very slightly better at English so it's really just grammar and such. No major plot changes per se. Thank you for your continued support over my extended break :)

It was Monday. That alone was enough to make Jasper hate the day, just like every other student pulling into the parking lot. This Monday in particular, however, was going to be more interesting than the typical one. He just didn't know that.

That was because he didn't know Alice Brandon yet.

He, like everybody else, knew that some transfer students were starting up today. It happened every year though, so the news was not as intriguing as some people made it out to be. It was definitely not as interesting as the gossiping girls they just past were claiming it.

At hearing them already labelling one of the girls the class slut, Emmett was reminded of the prospect of new girls.

He laughed, keeping up his leisurely pace with Jasper. "I am going to bag me some fresh meat," he said, rubbing his hands together deviously.

Jasper turned to his clown of a friend, not sporting his usual scepticism. "So you and Rose are finally done?"

"Well..." Emmett grumbled, rubbing the back of his neck furiously in discomfort. He winced at the replays of Thursday's break-up running through his head. "It's complicated."

"How is it complicated?" a voice from behind asked. It was Edward, as, he too, caught up to them. "You made a joke about her being fat, and she called you a walrus with the I.Q. of a pea and broke up with you."

"I have no doubt in my mind that that is exactly what happened," Jasper cried, slowing his pace to allow time to hear the story out.

"It was just a joke..." Emmett mumbled over Edward's laughing.

"You must be taking your relationship advice from Edward then."

Edward scoffed audibly and threw the scrunched up ball of paper he had in his hands at Jasper. "Excuse me, I am the only one of us in a stable relationship."

"Emmett and I," Jasper clarified, "both happen to be very eligible bachelors enjoying the freedom of life without chains. Right, Emmett?"

"Devilishly handsome bachelors," Emmett added using his best polished English accent.

"I suppose you are... in a Picasso sort of way."

Emmett whipped his head to Jasper, open-mouthed in mock horror, and dove for the kill, dropping his bag and its contents on the ground. He tried, to no avail despite his string of profanities, to pull Jasper into a headlock while Edward stood back and laughed.

As Jasper victoriously pulled Emmett's arm further and further up his back, he conceded. "Anyway," he said, yanking his arm free. "I've got a plan to get her back. And it involves her best friend, jealousy."

Jasper groaned in unison with Edward. Emmett was just going to dig himself a deeper and deeper grave, the two could see it. And his grave had already passed the centre of the Earth thanks to his last stunt.

"Don't you two worry those pretty little heads of yours," Emmett replied cockily at hearing their disapproval. "I've got it all worked out. It is simple psychology: we want the things that other people have."

"Well, clearly," Edward remarked, "Since Mike Newton went out with Rose on Friday... I guess that makes her unattainable."

Emmett stopped dead in his tracks, jaw clenched. The other two also stopped walking and turned to look back at him. "What?!"

They both knew what that face meant. Jasper made a mental note to avoid Emmett at recess so as to miss out on yet another suspension for being involved in a fight.

He didn't need one this semester.

"I'm gonna kick his ass into next week," Emmett declared and stormed off, pushing passed them.

Edward and Jasper remained, watching him fly up the steps at unparalleled speed.

"Newton didn't really go out with Rose, did he?" Jasper asked, knowing that that wasn't even a remote possibility that she'd lower her standards.

Edward shook his head. "Nah. But, Newton was saying some stuff about Bella that I didn't like... So I figured I'd kill one bird with a huge stone."

Jasper turned to watch Emmett push the entrance doors open dramatically. "Well," he said as Emmett disappeared into the corridor, "mission accomplished."

...

"Jazzy!" Emmett shouted from somewhere in the mass of students plodding their way to the cafeteria. Jasper didn't bother to turn and look for his friend. He knew that it would be only a matter of seconds before he jumped on his back and tried to put him in another headlock. So, he braced himself instead.

Sure enough, a moment later, 250 pounds of brawn slammed into his back and the two of them came crashing to the floor.

Just like last week.

"Look what I've got! Look what I've got!" he cried, waving a certain yellow slip around.

Jasper scrambled to push Emmett off him and then snatched up the little piece of paper. It was clear what the canary sheet represented, but he wanted to see the extent of the damage.

"Four days suspension," he read flatly.

"Nah," Emmett corrected, snatching the paper back and standing up. "It's a six-day weekend. This is what you missed out on. Where were you at recess?"

Jasper couldn't tell Emmett where he really had been. "Detention," he grumbled quickly. It was a plausible excuse. "With Varner."

"Well," Emmett replied. "At least you were with a girl... just not the sort I had imagined." He bellowed his laugh and slapped Jasper across the back. "Let's go. I'm starving."

Jasper just shook his head and followed Emmett's lead as he eagerly pushed through the crowd. Emmett's ability to get them to the cafeteria before anything on the menu had run out was uncanny.

Well, not really.

"Where's Eddie?" Jasper asked as they entered the lunch area sans an amigo. He pulled out his phone at receiving a text message. "Didn't he just have class with you...?"

Emmett grinned. "He got detention because he came to join the party this morning. Unlike you."

Jasper paused his texting and nearly dropped the phone in his hands. "Wait. What? He actually got into a fight?"

"Well... no," Emmett clarified, again needing to set aside his wishful thinking, "he was just a bystander."

Jasper laughed and went back to typing his message, brow furrowed in concentration. He followed Emmett blindly while intently watching the screen, until Emmett stopped abruptly and he walked into him.

"Agh! What the f-?"

Jasper looked up and saw his best friend looking over the sea of people. There he spied the infamously unfortunate Mike Newton. The squint in Emmett's eyes said that the worst was over, but there were still some looming aftershocks.

"I've been doing some thinking, Jazz-"

"That's dangerous..."

"Shut it," he hissed, elbowing Jasper. "Since I won't be here next week, I thought you may want to join me."

Jasper looked at him, stuffing the phone back into his pocket. Some time off school didn't sound like a bad idea, even though his record probably couldn't take it. "What have you got in mind?"

Emmett grinned again and withdrew something from his pocket. A tennis ball. "Your aim is better than mine and I bet that you would probably be able to hit Newton square in the nose from here if you wanted to."

He stuffed the ball into Jasper's hand without waiting.

Jasper looked down at it, trying to fight temptation. To get suspended, or not get suspended...

The knowledge that Emmett was offering a six day weekend was enough to make him cave.

He tossed the ball up and caught it coming down in confirmation. "You're right – my aim is better than yours."

"I'm just trying to share the love around," Emmett said, assuming Jasper, too, was going to be awarded a long weekend for this.

He watched as Jasper positioned himself, brought the ball back and expertly flung it over the heads of everybody in the cafeteria.

The two watched as the ball flew through the air and connected with the wall less than an inch from Mike Newton's nose. The ball rebounded into his face and then onto the table of some girls nearby. Rosalie's table.

While Emmett doubled over in uncontrollable laughter at his friend's impeccable aim, Jasper ran over to retrieve the evidence before his sneaky cousin, Rosalie, could possibly make the situation worse.

He didn't need his parents to know precisely what it was he got suspended for, evidence and all.

He rushed over to the table where the ball had landed, with the intention of scooping it up, before being sidetracked in watching Newton rush out of the cafeteria with a bloody nose. When he was out of sight, he turned to look at the girls.

"You are such a douche, Jasper," Rosalie seethed. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Jasper ignored her and looked at Bella and their new friend glaring at him with the ball between their lunch trays. "Bella," he greeted with a nod, "New girl." Then he made a move to lean over the table and pick up the ball. The new girl snatched it away first.

She narrowed her eyes slightly as he gaped curiously.

"What the hell are you doing, Jazz?" Rosalie repeated as her cousin halted half-way across the table.

Jasper straightened up and turned his head to Rosalie. Apparently he wasn't going to get the ball back that easily.

"I'm just trying to get suspended," he explained rationally, as if it were the logical explanation.

She began to shake her head. "Wh-"

"That shouldn't be too hard," the new girl snapped. They all turned to look at her, but she didn't shy away from the attention. "Your IQ should be enough to do the job."

Rosalie and Bella burst out laughing.

Jasper was about to retort when Emmett came bustling over beside him, carrying a tray piled with food. "Ladies," he greeted with a mouth full of bread.

"Heard you got suspended again," Rosalie remarked.

Emmett smiled sarcastically and opened his mouth to begin to defend himself, but Jasper cut in. "Just before you dig yourself deeper," he said. "Edward completely lied about the whole Newton thing. It's not true."

Emmett put the tray down on the table in confusion, despite Rosalie's protests. "What you talkin' bout, Willis?"

"Newton didn't actually go out with Rosie-"

"Ew," Rosalie interjected.

Jasper continued on. "Edward just made it up because Newton said something he didn't like. You basically did his dirty work for him."

"Where is Edward, by the way?" Bella asked, her ears pricking up at hearing her boyfriend's name.

"Detention," the two of them replied without elaborating.

Jasper turned back to Emmett to continue explaining, but Emmett clearly wasn't interested. His mind was already lost in the vision of his long weekend. "Oh well," he shrugged, taking another bite of his bread roll. "I've got a six-day weekend and he doesn't. I'm livin' la vida loca, baby!"

"Do you even know what that means?" Rosalie asked sceptically.

"I'm living the good life," Emmett replied.

Bella giggled, being the one of the group who studied Spanish. "That's close enough," she offered, smiling politely.

"Thank you, Bella."

Jasper caught the new girl staring at him from the corner of his eye and turned his attention back to her. He wasn't done with her, after all.

Her grey eyes seemed to turn to ice as she stared him down.

How dare he, after all, throw a ball at her and her friends and then have the nerve to call her 'new girl'. The way he said it too – how cocky.

Alice didn't know where all this confidence was coming from, but she liked it. There was no way in hell that she would have done this two weeks ago at her old school, even knowing that she was about to move away forever. She would have died of embarrassment at the thought. But there was something about this new place - and his smug face - that gave her the feeling that she had some control. It was a pleasant change from the life Mississippi had endowed her with.

Despite all that, there was just this overwhelming desire within her to put this guy, Jasper, in his place before it got out of hand. She knew his type; they were the same everywhere. And she certainly wouldn't be missing anything by casting him aside.

That much, she was certain of.

"I know I'm pretty, but you can stop fantasising about me now," Jasper almost barked at her. "It's creeping me out."

"Jasper!" Rosalie hissed, ready to come to Alice's defence.

Alice laughed. "Why the hell would I want you?"

"Why are you staring at my pants?"

Emmett inhaled his laugh at the exchange and began to choke on his bread. He doubled over momentarily until his coughing was replaced with fits of laughter.

Jasper seemed to ignore Emmett, keeping his fiery glare on the girl. "Can I have the ball back now, please?"

She threw the ball at him. He caught it, slightly caught off guard by the force behind it. "Look after it. It's the only one you have, apparently."

The girls all snickered at the joke their new friend had made.

Jasper paused momentarily and looked over at her triumphant grin. He would fix that.

"Well, in that case," he said, throwing the ball back gently. "You keep it. There is plenty of me to go around."

Alice's eyes darted to either side of him. "Is the rest of you in your locker? Because I don't see it."

"Oooh!" Emmett interjected, eyeing the distance between the two. This was not the first time he had seen Jasper get into an argument, but it was the first time that he had met his match. And it was entertaining.

Jasper laughed once. Bitterly. "Sweetheart," he began, crossing his arms. "You're looking straight at them."

"Oh, they must be hidden behind that small zipper then."

"Oh!" Emmett cried. "Snap!"

Jasper inhaled and decided to take a different approach. "You know what? You're kinda cute," he said, pulling the chair in front of her out to sit on it. "What's your number?"

"No way! Jasper, you-" Rosalie was cut off by a confident, "sure," from the girl.

Jasper smiled cockily and poked his tongue out at Rosalie. Then he turned his expectant head back to the girl.

"1800-bite-me," she recited. "What's yours?"

"I didn't ask for the wishful thinking hotline."

She got ready to bite back when they were interrupted.

"Whitlock!" a man's voice called from the other side of the cafeteria.

Jasper looked over at the voice and found Mr. Varner waiting expectantly by the entrance doors.

"Dude..." Emmett said, turning his glance from the teacher to Jasper. "I thought you settled detention with him at recess."

"Ah..." Jasper fumbled, trying to compose himself. "I uh... did."

He gave Alice one last glare as he got up from the chair. Without even saying goodbye to anybody, he walked away in the direction of the teacher calling for him.

It was only when Jasper got half way across the cafeteria that he realised he didn't even know her name. Or retrieve the ball.

Emmett watched as his companion left him behind, and upon seeing Rosalie throwing daggers at him with her eyes, he decided to take the furthest seat from her. He reluctantly sat down, knowing he had nowhere else to go without Jasper or Edward. He looked at the new girl to avoid another looming argument with his newly ex-girlfriend.

"I'm Emmett."

"Alice."

"Well, Alice," Emmett said. "You are definitely in for it with my boy, Jasper."

"What do you mean I'm in for it?" she asked. "He's in for it!"