Banana Slug: Ya know, a whole lot of fanfics just switch characters around, like if it was Dante from DmC who was imprisoned with the Nine-Tailed Fox instead of Naruto or Goku swapped with Spongebob or some crap.

So, I decided to do a Haruhi Suzumiya fanfic where one character…

No, two characters…

Three…

FUCK IT! LET'S DO 'EM ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARUHI SUZUMIYA, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, GOD OF WAR, DOCTOR WHO, AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER, OR ANY OTHER TRADEMARK PRODUCT APPEARING IN THIS FANFIC. THIS IS ONLY INTENDED FOR FUN, NOT PROFIT. DO NOT SUE ME, I'M BROKE!)

The Melancholy of Kratos

By The Banana Slug

CHAPTER 1: THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS PT. 1

…I don't know why I am doing this…

Hi, my name is Squidward Tentacles, and I go to a Japanese School for High Schoolers, even though I am currently 33...but besides the point.

…Okay, to explain, I am a squid, a walking bald, clarinet-playing, 33-year old squid who had a job as a cashier at the Krusty Krab, underneath the ocean, mind you. And now I am here? What am I doing here! Why am I on dry land and not dying! What is-

"Hey, stupid!" yelled out a small voice, I looked to see a strange banana slug glaring at me.

"Um, hello?" I let out in confusion.

"Get on with it!" yelled the banana slug, "Or I dock your pay!"

"You don't pay me!" I snapped.

"GET ON WITH IT!" it then said with a demonic voice. With a torrent of sweat, I continued to monologue and walk to school, forgetting all that is wrong with this situation.

I don't believe in many things, even as a kid, I knew Santa was a fake…then of course was the Christmas episode that proved he was real…and kooky.

I also don't believe in aliens, time travelers, Espers, demons, angels, angles, God, Bigfoot, Sea Bears, wrestling, the Dark Lord Xenu, and circus people…but I do believe in Reptilians…they are very, very, VERY real…

And so, I walked to school, up a giant hill, created by the Earth, since there is no such thing as God.

Finally entering the grounds of my Japanese School for the beginning of this crappy school year. As I sat down on my desk, I just hope I don't see-

"Squidward?"

I looked terrified as I looked to see it was Spongebob, standing outside the door with Patrick, waving at me.

"…I hate this damn fanfic…"

The teacher then walked in, it was…that teacher from Dexter's Lab?

"Hello, students, and a fine first day of school it is, hm?" greeted the teacher. Well, this is surprising…

"Alright, time to see if everyone is here and, oh, hello Miss Asakura, glad you could make it," greeted the teacher, "Students, say hello to the Class President, Miss Ryoko Asakura."

I then turned to greet her, "Oh hi, how are yooooaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAH!" was what I said, when I saw a Xenomorph in a school uniform screaming at me, drool hitting the floor, her second mouth snapping at me.

"AAAAAAAAH! HAAAAAH! HAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAAAH!" I screamed, even after she stopped screaming at me.

"…What the fuck, Squidward?" asked the teacher in confusion, "She was just saying hello."

I started to hyperventilate, I then nervously smiled and shook her…hand? She then crawled away on all fours and sat on her seat.

"Wow, Squidward," said a voice from the class.

"She snuck up on me!" I argued.

And that wasn't the worse of today, trust me, all my troubles, begin with one person yet to show up.

The door slammed open, to reveal a large man in a girl's uniform, looking mad as hell. He had ash-colored skin, red tattoo markings, a goatee, an angry craggy face, scars galore, and chains covering his arms ending with a pair of scary blades.

And yes, I said it, he was wearing a girl's uniform, but the sleeves were ripped right off the uniform. Wait, isn't that against the rules?

He stomped his way past the rows of scared classmates, finally sitting behind…great, he sat behind me! He just had to sit right behind me What luck do I have!

"Oh, hello, mind telling the class who you are?" asked the teacher nervously, he was then impaled by the scary blades and yanked from the podium, where he was swung out the window and split in half by a pole! A pole! That isn't even sharp! That means that hulk over there had to throw him extremely hard, and I am not, and I repeat, not denying he can't do!

He then growled with a dark and angry voice, "I am Kratos, and I am the God of War…"

For some reason, I heard dramatic music, pretty cool too, yet also making me want to crap in my pants, wondering if any 'expletive deleted' is going to go down…

Throughout the month of May, it was pure horror. No one was safe from Kratos, the God of War, as he killed the schools toughest students.

To list them, they were Ichigo Kurosaki, Naruto Uzimaki, the Hulk, Aang, King Kong, Frieza, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Master Chief, and 30 imperfect clones of Chuck Norris.

He also killed some students that just pissed him off but were no threat to him, like the Teletubbies, the Dark Lord Xenu, and Sasuke Uchiha…that homosexual eunuch…

The worst part is that all the women are flocking to him, making people like me look completely inadequate…and the only women talking to me at all is that freaky Xenomorph creature, and all she does is scream at me, over and over and over again…

Wanna hear the worst part, I have to sit behind…no, wait…in front the crazy nutjob, I fear every day that Kratos is going to rip my head out at any moment…

Through all of the month, I never said anything to the guy, except when I came back from the bathroom, when I gave him the bathroom pass saying, "Here ya go", and making nothing of it.

That was it…until now…

It was May 5th, and you all knew what that meant…yes, Lasagna Day. I ate my lasagna at my desk, Kratos was out eating a dead boar raw on the track, after killing it AND Edward Elric.

"Hey, Squidward!" shouted Spongebob happily as he waved at me.

"Oh, great, now I have two problems!" I groaned.

"Hey, Squidward's here?" shouted Patrick in confused stupidity.

"Now three," I sighed.

"How's your school year, Squidward?" shrilled Spongebob, "Fantastic, huh?"

"No, I have to sit behind…I mean, in front of that raging behemoth Kratos!" I argued.

"Oh, he's not that mean!" scoffed Patrick.

"Oh, really?" I interrogated, "He threw you all the way to Germany after you accidentally tripped him, and you were savagely beaten by fans at a Rammstein concert.

"…Oh yeah," remembered Patrick, he then said to Spongebob, "Till Lindemann says hallo."

"So, he's rough around the edges, I can say that," reassured Spongebob kindly, "But that's only because he was tricked by the Greek God of War, Ares, to kill his wife and daughter, leaving him more psychologically scarred than normal."

"Hm," I replied as I bit into my lasagna.

"All he needs is a caring hand," Spongebob advised me, "Just show him some kindness and all will be well!"

I didn't want to do it, but if it will get me out of this fanfic, might as well get killed and never appear on this fanfic ever again.

"If I die," I told them, "You guy's stay away from my funeral!"

After lunch, I sat nervously as Kratos sat behind me. I quickly then turned around and greeted, "Hi", and turned back around.

"…Hello," replied Kratos, spooking me a bit.

"Um, how are you today?" I asked nervously.

"Angry, angry that there are no opponents left in the school," growled Kratos.

"Hm, well, that's because you killed them all," I replied, not knowing of the danger I am putting myself into, turning into a nervous wreck.

"That is true, Tentacles, that is true," Kratos growled, lost in thought.

Great, you gave the Greek version of Chuck Norris an idea…moron…

I mean, what is he gonna do? Is he gonna start a tournament? Go on a killing spree? Start a World War? I had to give him an idea on May 5th...Lasagna Day…a date that has NOTHING to do with death! What could it be?

The next day, it seemed normal, except for the fact that Kratos killed the principal today…

…poor Principal Galactus…

Suddenly, my head was grabbed by Kratos and I was thrown across the room, with most of my…bones? Let's just say bones…alright, with most of my "bones" broken.

"What the wide world of sports was that for!" I yelled out.

"I have an idea!" answered Kratos in a grim tone, "We are going to start are own club!"

"…and why did you grab my head and throw me at the wall!" I yelled.

"To get your attention," replied Kratos in a scowl.

I better not argue with his logic, he IS the God of War. He then grabbed my tentacle and dragged me across the school, dislocating my "bones" in the process, me screaming in agony.

He then threw me at the door to a homeroom, I couldn't tell, I was in between unconscious and paralyzed from the neck down.

I got up and looked at the sign, it was a homeroom for a club, which would explain why Kratos dragged me here.

"Hey, isn't this the 'Yay Me! I'm London Tipton!' Club?" I asked curiously.

"Until she died from an accidental case of decapitation, disembowelment, and stab wounds," explained Kratos.

Well, this day is starting to look good. "So, how did you commission a…"

"Killed the principal," explained Kratos quickly.

"Ah," I replied just as quickly.

"Besides, we already have a member," explained Kratos, opening the door, revealing a room empty with only a bookshelf, lockers, a big table, a small table, a bunch of chairs, and a large metal trashcan…huh?

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" screeched the trash-can, pointing it's mechanical eyestalk at me, with a ray gun and a plunger aimed at me.

"AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAH! Hah…hah…aaaAAAAAAAH! AAAH! AH! AH! AAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaaAAAAAH!" I screamed in ear-breaking volumes.

"…What the fuck, Squidward?" growled Kratos.

"What is that!" I screamed.

"This is Dalek Yuki, an ex-member of the Cult of Skaro," explained Kratos, "She was once a member of the 'Yay Me! I'm London Tipton' Club, before I murdered her…I mean…yeah, I murdered her…"

"Ooooh kaaay…" I let out, creeped out by the Dalek staring at me. It just keeps on…staring at me…why is it staring at me…do I have something on my nose? Do I have a zit?

"Anywaaaayyyy," I said, still creeped out by Dalek Yuki, "We still need a teacher to supervise us."

"I am a teacher," replied Kratos.

"What?" I yelled in disbelief, "When?"

"When I murdered the principal," he continued.

"Oh, right," I replied, "Well, we still need two more members."

"Why?" replied Kratos with a growl.

"Because if this is going to be a parody, it will be a correct parody!" I argued defiantly, I was then karate chopped on the head by Kratos' palm, "Should'a known…"

"Anyway, we'll be having another member for our club," answered Kratos quickly, "She will attract male members to our cause…so that I can rip them in half!"

"Who?" I asked.

The door was then incinerated by an extremely blue fire blast, revealing the cold bitch herself, Azula, who will be replacing Mikuru because we decided to go with the anti-Moe thing, and there weren't any time traveling characters messed up enough to use and DON'T SAY TERMINATOR!

"Is this the SOS Brigade?" asked Azula with a glint of evil insanity as she held a blue fireball in her hand.

"SOS Brigade, what the heck does that mean?" I asked Kratos.

"Dalek Yuki thought of the name," explained Kratos.

"IT MEANS SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING DARKSIDE, SOMETHING SOMETHING COMPLETE BRIGAAAAADE!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"Okay, and what is miss Pyromaniac doing here?" I ordered.

"Well, Kratos said that there needed to be attractive women to be part of the brigade so he can rip them in half," explained Azula as Kratos walked behind her.

"I AM PRETTY!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "WHY NOT HAVE MEEE! I! AM! PRETTYYY!"

"Yeah, whatever, and…" she stopped when Kratos started to rub her shoulders, she then said with a…a smile… "Well…"

"Umm, what's going…on?" I let out.

"SEX MINI-GAME!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"Alright, I am the leader, and I say, get the fuck out!" growled Kratos.

I was then thrown out of the room and landed on my head, with Dalek Yuki following me out of the room.

"Heh…" I let out, I then got up to see Dalek Yuki looking at me, "What are you looking at?"

"…"

"…Well?" I tempted unknowingly.

"…EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-AAAAATE!" she screeched as she shot me with an electrical blast, ranging from "AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAH! OH! AAAAAH!" to "AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAH! AAAAAAAGH! AAAGH! AAAAGH! NOOOO! THE PAIN! NAAAAAAAOOOOOO!".

What was left of me was a burnt crisp, staring at the possibly gloating Dalek Yuki…

Great, I talk to a crazy behemoth, and now I am in a stupid club, with him, getting to know a crazy princess better, and me, getting to know a crazy trashcan better…and not the way I wanted…

Wait, isn't Azula 14...or 16, meh, who can tell with anime and anime-based cartoons. Seriously, a ten year-old girl could look thirty-five and you wouldn't notice the difference, it's maddening…hehhhhh…

Spongebob…stay away from my funeral…

The Banana Slug: Gawd, how much marijuana am I smoking? I don't know, cuz I don't even remember it! AAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Well, this was just for fun, but I might finish Chapters 2 and 3, and I might continue if it was good enough, but judging how 'EFF'ed up it is, I do not know…

Anyway, here is a list of characters I replaced and a glossary as well…

KYON = SQUIDWARD TENTACLES (SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS)

HARUHI SUZUMIYA = KRATOS (GOD OF WAR)

YUKI NAGATO = DALEK YUKI (DOCTOR WHO-ISH)

RYOKO ASAKURA = XENOMORPH VERSION (ALIEN FILM SERIES)

MIKURU ASAHINA = AZULA (AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER)

TANIGUCHI = PATRICK STAR (SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS)

KUNIKIDA = SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (TITAL CHARACTER)

TEACHER = TEACHER (DEXTER'S LAB)

VARIOUS UNSEEN STUDENTS = VARIOUS CHARACTERS KILLED BY KRATOS

BANANA SLUG = SELF-INSERT (DUH)