Finally, the next part. Getting closer now.
Reviewers, I love you all, with affection unspeakable. Your encouragement helps me get off my lazy ass (usually just lazy from uni work, I assure you. Really!) and type out the stuff I've written hardcopy. The more encouragement I get, the more of my time I dedicate to this painful task. And also, a special thanks to 'raichutrainer' -not logged in, if there's a real author by this name out there I sincerely apologise to you- who took the time to give me this astounding piece of literature for a review:
" that waz so stupidd theres no digimon or anything. digidestenned arent pirats. stop making tai screw matt there not fags. make them go to the digi world an put sum digimon in and stop making matt a wossey man."
That kept me laughing for a good ten minutes. Ah, fingers toasty warm. I don't get nearly enough semi-literate eight year olds reading every chapter of a yaoi/slash, AU fic and then realising that it involved Matt and Tai being a) gay and b) pirates!
Stopping rant… now.
Disclaimers: I don't own digimon, I don't own Evangelion's lovely psycho mind-fuck scenery, I don't own a whole lot. I own a nearly-complete beanie which I'm knitting (badly) for my dad's birthday on Tuesday, and I own a few textbooks.
He- he's shorter now, and paler, his hair scruffy blond.
I don't know if I meant to hurt him. I don't think so. Maybe, if we had met under different circumstances, we could be friends… no, we'd be fucking however we met, I know that, but maybe I'd enjoy it.
He's not basically a bad guy. He does care about me, I know that. He wants very much to be loved… it's just that he has no idea how to go about getting the real thing. This fake thing isn't what Tai wants, either; I'm pretty sure it makes him as miserable as it makes me.
Why do we keep doing this thing?
It hurts us both. And… and there isn't any real reason for it anymore. The only reason is that he could still threaten TK, and he is trying to find love in this sordid thing. But… why do I let him keep going?
It's not like he'd actually hurt TK if I said no. He won't.
So- so why?
I don't know. I don't know, I don't know I don't know.
I hate being confused.
Tai pulls me to him, fiercely holding me.
No, that's not it; that's been done to me more than enough times, and it doesn't truly mean anything.
His hand moves along the side of my face.
(lips on my brow)
He kisses my brow.
His hand cups my cheek.
He rocks me until
(rocking gently)
He smiles through a sheen of tears
He kisses my brow
-somewhere between a shout and a plea-
He kisses my brow
(lips on my brow)
Tai's eyes are shining
-his mouth hot on my neck
He kisses my brow
(lips on my brow)
He kisses my brow
Kisses
He kisses
He kisses my brow
I like that.
The flood of memory images ceases instantly with what, for me, is an earth-shattering realisation. I like that, I like when he does that.
What? …
Why? That's the better question.
I've moved very deep into my fever to try to finish my introspection. I have no awareness of my surroundings or even the state of my body… I must examine this.
Why do I like it when Tai kisses my brow?
(I can see, in my minds eye, two of me: both naked, cold and shivering. One- I see through his eyes- he is me as I am now. Grown, bitter, alone. The other- me when I was only a child, used for the first time. Hurt, young, sad.)
Why do I like it?
Is it nice? What does it feel like?
It feels… safe. I guess.
… oh.
I don't need to feel safe, dammit! I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I- I don't…
I shouldn't lie.
But I'm not… am I? I've always taken care of myself! I don't need-
What if I do?
I don't want to need anyone.
What if I do?
I don't want to-
What if I do?
I don't want-
What if-
NO!
…
I don't WANT to need anyone! I don't WANT Tai to make me feel safe!! I don't WANT him to comfort me!!!
… I don't?
No! I don't!
… do I like being cold? Alone?
I'm not alone. I have TK. And I'm not cold, I'm strong.
Strong, and…
And cold. Alright, dammit, I kinda knew that one already. But I don't need anyone else.
Maybe… even if that is true, do I want to spend the rest of my life not having anyone to make me feel safe?
…
Not to be protected, not once?
… I…
To never surrender.
… but I'm afraid.
It's only fear.
I don't want to be hurt anymore.
He wouldn't hurt me. He cares about me. He holds me when I'm frightened or sad. He touches my cheek… he kisses my brow… he won't hurt me.
Maybe I could let Tai keep me safe. Maybe I could… let myself enjoy it.
Would that be nice?
… yes. It would.
It would.
Yeah. Alright, enough now; I'm waking up.
I made Matt healthy! Yay me! Review, and I promise there'll be more in the next chapter!