Why Justin Bieber Hates Alice Cullen

A Collaborative Effort

Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight, or any of the characters, nor do we own Justin Bieber, The Jersey Shore, ChocolateRainGuy, YOLO, or Miley Cyrus. We do own WienerDog, Dsme/Darlisle/the Buttsicles, The Jersey Shore: Vampire Edition, Fatass Potato, Fatass Grape, Bella Swan on a Stick, and Justina Biebera.

Previously...

Alice: NO! Business is booming!

Jasper: How the fuck is that even possible?

WienerDog: I'd like to order a Fatass Grape.

Alice: Sure thing, random Wiener Dog! That'll be $6,000.

WienerDog: How affordable. -pays Alice- -walks away-

Chapter 7:

Edward: Sixteen years have passed since the time of the great rich WienerDog. The town is now quiet and desolate-

Bella: No, it's not.

Edward: The werewolves died long ago-

Jacob: No, we didn't, you dipshit.

Edward: Dsme, Darlisle, and the other Buttsicles now star in The Jersey Shore: Vampire Edition.

TV: NEXT ON 'THE JERSEY SHORE: VAMPIRE EDITION, DASPER WAS CAUGHT EATING A COW FROM LOUISIANA. WILL DLICE EVER FORGIVE HIM?

Dosalie: LOL, no.

Carlisle: Why are you here?

Dosalie: I'm officially banned from walking in or flying over every state except Washington now due to smacking police in the face with a wet fish.

Carlisle: Oh. ... Okay.

Edward: The skies rain chocolate every Tuesday.

ChocolateRainGuy: Yeah.

Edward: Alice's Fatass Potato restaurant was closed down due to overflow of Fatass and lack of Potato-

Alice: That was Emmett's fault.

Emmett: *in boxing outfit* Let's go, bitch.

[6 day boxing match occurs. Alice wins by beating Emmett with raw chickens.]

Edward: It's been three years since anyone has sent Alice mail. Until today.

Alice: I GOT FUCKING MAIL? BELLA SWAN ON A STICK WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!

Bella: ... what.

Alice: *opens letter* *coughs* *throws up a little* Ahem. Oh! It's from Justin Bieber!

Jasper: I thought he died in a tragic vampire accident.

Alice: Yeah, he did. The date says 2011, though, he was a girl back then, remember.

Edward: He was also bad in bed. Just saying.

Bella: What's the letter say?

Alice: I'm getting to that, numbnut. Okay. It says 'Dear Alice-' ohmygod that's my name '-I wrote this to let you know that I hate you. You and your family ruined my life and my career as a lesbian model, then I had to hire someone to sing while i moved my lips. Do you know how much it costs to hire a singer?'

Carlisle: I know right. I charge by the minute.

Alice: Shut up. 'It's also hard to move your lips. I've lost alot of money on chapstick and it's all your fault. Also, your Fatass Grape prices are ridiculous. It's over. Don't talk to me or my mom ever again. Sincerely, Justina Biebera.'

Esme: He was Mexican that whole time?

Renesmee: Just when you think you know a girl.

Jasper: Can we go get some Louisiana cow now?

Carlisle: Sure.

[Everyone leaves and eats several dozen cows and and mostly lives happily ever after except Edward.]

Edward: *wearing YOLO hat* FUCK DA HATERS *walks off carrying Miley Cyrus and her new haircut on his back*

The End.