Title: F**kin' Perfect

Summary: Cid wants to find out what Vincent had gone through and make him feel comfortable in his own skin. Luckily, he has little shame and is willing to do whatever it takes to get the ex-Turk to trust him. Even if that means telling him some of his darkest secrets and revealing the skeletons in his own closet.

Warnings: Swearing, blood, gore, yaoi, use of tobacco, mention of drugs, etc. etc.

Disclaimer: The title (and inspiration) for this came from P!nk's "F**kin' Perfect," the characters from Final Fantasy VII. So, I own... What is less than nothing? Nah, my twisted ideas are owned by me.

There was no way that he had heard that correctly. Not only had the crazy motherfucker possibly wrecked a marriage, and got himself locked in a goddamn coffin underneath a basement, but he had knocked up the tramp that fooled around on her husband! Granted, he could see why she probably did not want to spread her legs for the nasally-voice shrimp that she married. Not only was the guy an assault on one's eyes, but he was also harsh on the eyes, too!

All things aside, though, that was really fucked up. So the tramp not only got knocked up after knocking boots with the lanky motherfucker that was currently staring at him with those fucking disturbing eyes, but she also traded him over like a prize chocobo that had seen its last days. Ignoring the crawl of skin at the feeling of being watched, the blonde continued with his train of thought; the gunner knew that she was pregnant so she had to have told him. And, knowing the lanky guy as well as he did; or, at least, as well as the guy would let him; Cid could easily jump the small gap the gunner had tried to get the whore of a chick to settle down with him and leave the man, or lack thereof, that she married.

Obviously, something had gone fucking wrong. Smart money was on Lucy jumping the ship and turning Vincent over to her whack-job of a husband. He could only guess that the bat-shit crazy doctor did not react well when the wannabe-vampire confronted him about divorcing his wife so the kid could marry her. He was not sure how the nasally-voice son of a bitch was able to overpower a heavily armed kid in his prime, but somehow the guy had managed it and took his unborn child and severely fucked him up past the point of no return. There was no doubting that fact; Sephiroth was so fucking far off the deep end he was scaring the fuck out of the damn sharks.

"She traded the remainder of my fragile life..." Vincent continued, making Cid's inner voice want to laugh at the thought of the gunner being even the slightest bit fragile. It would have been much funnier if the surrounding story around it was not so goddamn depressing. Seriously, the guy's life was just one giant cluster-fuck after another. "For the chance to hold her son."

"He was yers, too," the pilot interjected, shifting slightly at the level stare that he was given in return.

"I pleaded with her not to experiment on our child," the gunner continued, pinning the blonde in his spot with his dark red and glowing eyes.

"Woah, now-"

"And she did not care at all, Chief... She wanted to become a famous scientist. She was willing to trade her life and the life of her child to science. ...To Hojo." The blonde pilot cringed at the venom in the gunner's voice as he spat the doctor's name out like it was venom in his mouth.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Cid cried out as he waved his arms in a time-out motion. "Hold the goddamn phone. Yer tellin' me that Lucy-"

"Lucrecia," Vincent corrected.

"What-the-fuck-ever. She not only let herself be fucked with, but her unborn kid? Where her parents fuckin' related 'cause that's fucked up. That's actually beyond fucked up. I mean, sure, there are women who snap and kill their kids all the time- Hey, don't give me that fuckin' look; it's on the news all the time in Rocket Town. People in Midgar or some backwoods, podunk, little piece of shit town can't handle the stress of bein' a parent or are afraid ta lose their kids so they off them then themselves. But lettin' some fuckin' psycho have a crack at the kid that's growin' inside 'a ya? That's a whole new level of bein' fucked in the head. ...And not the fun kind!"

"...There is a fun kind?" Vincent asked dryly as his eyebrow quirked.

"Are ya tellin' me that ya ain't never gotten any head, Val?"

"Vincent."

"Answer the goddamn question!"

"...I will need you to rephrase as I already have one head."

"Holy fuckin' shit!" the blonde cried out, grunting when a pale hand was clamped over his mouth.

"If you cannot keep from waking Cloud, we shall not finish this, Chief."

"Mmph!"

"...I am going to take that as an acquiescence that you will lower you voice," the taller man said before slowly removing his hand. Honestly, who the fuck did this guy think he was? There was no reason for one guy to completely cover someone's mouth against their will. ...Well, there was one fucking reason but that was damn creepy and he did not see Valentine as the raping type. Murdering, sure, but not rape. The guy had a soft heart...underneath all that metal, leather, and no-nonsense attitude.

"Yer fuckin' vanilla," Cid accused as he poked the brunette in his chest.

"Vanilla? As in: the bean used for perfume?"

"Holy shit!"

"Chief..."

"All right, all right," the pilot continued as he waved his hand. God, he could really use a goddamn cigarette about now. "I'm callin' ya plain. Have ya ever had sex besides in the standard, missionary position?"

"I have you pinned against a wall, Cidney," Vincent retorted, looking far too smug in the dark for the pilot's liking.

"The name's Cid!" the stocky blonde hissed.

"Show me your birth certificate."

Bristling at the idea of handing that information over to the sly fuckhead, the blonde thought through the implications before grinning mischievously. "I'll make ya deal, Val. Show me yers an' I'll show ya mine."

"...Is that not what little boys tell each other before comparing penises?"

Cid was really starting to hate the superior tone in the gunner's voice. Did the man actually have a fucking comment for everything? Hell, he did not talk nearly this much when the rest of Avalanche was around! "Hell, is that what ya tell kids, Val? How many times have ya said somethin' like that ta some kid?"

"I do not prey on children, Cidney."

"Cid! Fuckin' Cid, that's it!"

Once more, the blonde felt the warm palm of the pale man's hand pressed against his mouth, effectively muffling his words in an attempt to fully silence him. He could hear the clicking of the brunette's tongue against his teeth and was instantly reminded of some mother hen with the infamous "I told you so" on the tip of her tongue. "Subtlety is not your strong suit," Vincent commented before leaning down so his face was closer to the shorted man's. A muffled grumble came from the somewhat silenced pilot, making Vincent grin slightly as he leaned closer, "Tell me, Chief, if I show you mine, will you in fact show me yours?"

Assuming that the seductive sounding tone of voice used was just the fucker's way of screwing with his head to make him think that he was only pretending to talk dirty when he actually was talking about the birth certificates, Cid decided to call his bluff.

He nodded, jerking slightly when the bright red eyes vanished from his sight and a warm voice breathed in his ear, "Once Sephiroth has been disposed of, I shall go locate my birth certificate and we shall trade them for observational purposes." With so many large words in that sentence, and with the hot breathing still in his ear, the blonde struggled to focus on what was more important in that sentence. It could have been the fact that the sixty year-old nutcase had so callously mentioned killing his own flesh and blood; no matter how twisted, the kid was still his biologically. There was obviously some bad blood between them all.

Cid wanted to feel bad for Sephiroth; the loon had no chance at having a normal life when his mother was fucked up the wazoo and a father in a coffin while an insane scientists played "Daddy." But having been with ShinRa for a while, and seeing the silver-haired motherfucker up close and personal, the blonde could not really muster up much sympathy for the lunatic. He knew that it was not the freak's fault, but that did not do much to change his feelings on the matter at hand.

Then again, the fact that the gunner actually agreed to swap personal information with him was a huge fucking leap towards accomplishing his goal of getting the dipshit to actually open up and fucking trust him. Hell, it would also fucking confirm whether or not the guy was sixty. And, boy, did he ever want the answer to that fucking question! Granted, he was reluctant about having to hand the stoic motherfucker his own information; he was certain that the brunette would mercilessly throw his full name in his face all the fucking time. And so fucking help him, if he so much as breathed a word of his full name to Yuffie there would be bloodshed! ...Granted, some of it would be his after he got in the first shot, but it would be fucking worth it! Hell, maybe the lanky bastard had a crazy middle name to.

...Probably something that started with a "V."

Something hot and wet slid across his earlobe suddenly, making the blonde jump slightly as his mind whirred, quickly making the connection that Vincent had licked his ear. Did the weirdo think that they were fucking done talking just because his hand was over his mouth and that he could move on to more gratifying uses of his time?

Fuck no.

Squirming against the ex-Turk, Cid wiggled between the brunette and the wall, working to uncover his mouth as well as free his pinned body so they could finish their discussion about his fling with Lucille-something and what the fuck happened that led to him being locked in a goddamn coffin in some rundown basement. Unfortunately for the blonde, he was sidetracked again when sharp points nipped and nibbled against his ears, making him squirm for a whole different reason.

Cid had never once thought about his ears as being particularly sensitive; hell, he was a guy and the main thing that he thought about having touched by someone else was a certain something that he kept in his pants. Now, no woman that he had never been with had ever even attempted to nip, nibble, and suck on his ears when trying to get him in the mood; again, all thoughts immediately went to the special something that would tent his boxers. Now, the pilot was not fucking blind when he looked in a mirror. He knew that given certain angles, his ears stuck out worse than Dumbo's and made him look like a goddamn disproportionate farmer from the middle of nowhere, not a distinguished rocket scientist and machinist.

And with the way the gunner was lavishing his ears with sensual touches using only his mouth, the blonde could not help but wonder why the fuck no one else had given it a fucking shot before he met Vincent "Vampire" Valentine.

"Cidney," the deep and dark voice rumbled in his ear as his hot breath laved over his dampened ear. Part of Cid wanted to correct the gunslinger even though he knew that it would be impossible with the man's current grip over his mouth. "Do you want some vanilla?" He blinked in response to the lurid question that at first thought made no sense. Thinking it through, the blonde's eyes widened once he made the jump between their conversations. Did the guy just ask him whether or not he wanted plain or kinky sex? They were in a room with the leader of their group sleeping a few feet away! Anything that they did at this point would be considered far more than vanilla!

Who the fuck would have guessed that the gunner got kinky when it was pointed out that he was blander than cardboard?

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Thanks for reviewing:

Inuobsessed004: Ha! It does!

ABNORMAL2110: Heh, well, Cid's life is a cluster-fuck of missteps.

EvilValenStrife: Pretty good. Been on six different types of pills as well as having four wisdom teeth removed.

Aeriths-Rain: He really doesn't. Aw, thanks!

SentrySapper77: Aww, thanks! I like Cid's personality a lot.

Sir Shirkin: Heh, you doubt me?

happie-day: Heh, a bit! Aww, thanks! Here's more for you.