Original prompt:

IZAYA IS MULTIPLYING INTO 100. MAKE IT HAPPEN

DIVIDE AND CONQUER

A Short Tale of Javelin Throw, Heartbreak, Sexual Disorientation, and Reproduction.

"IIIIIIIZAAAAAAAYAAAAAA-KUUUUN!"

Izaya nonchalantly dodged the flagpole that was hurled murderously at his head. He stared with disinterest as it lodged itself into the school. "Two and three quarter points! But really now, Shizu-chan, you shouldn't be using school property as javelins," he chided.

"You bastard!" Shizuo growled. "I heard that you made some girls cry again. You could've rejected them kindly, but no!"

"It's not my fault I'm so popular with the girls, Shizu-chan," Izaya sighed with melodramatic melancholy. "Are you jealous?"

"LIKE HELL I AM!"

Sidestepping an unfortunate uprooted tree which joined the flagpole (four points!), Izaya randomly took a piece of ootoro out of his lunchbox. "See, the thing is, Shizu-chan," he said with an air of patience, "I have to reject any confessions 'cruelly' to deter any future attempts. It's for the best, because..." He paused to dodge another large projectile (six and two fifths points! and the angry roars would've drowned him out anyway) and also for dramatic effect, before stating, "... I'm asexual."

A moment of silence.

"Ace... what?"

"Ahhh a protozoanshould know what that means!" Izaya tutted, then brandished the ootoro.

"Why are you waving sushi around, you stupid louse."

"Because once I eat this, I will finally gain enough energy for glorious binary fission!"

"You're buying fishing, what the fuck?"

Izaya ignored the moron and popped his favourite food into his mouth, and then to Shizuo's horror, began to divide.

"HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING SHITCAKES!" Shizuo shouted as dozens of fleas began appearing EVERYWHERE. "This can't be happening!"

And then one fucking hundred Orihara Izayas started dancing around and calling him Shizu-chan.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo...oooo...oh?" Shizuo blinked and stared at the textbook lying innocuously beneath his face. "Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have tried cramming for biology. That was a weirdass dream." He stretched before laughing to himself. "Ahhhhh what the fuck was I thinking, there's no way the flea can divide himself. What a stupid thought."

"Shizu-chaaan~"

Shizuo whipped around angrily and saw his mortal enemy... and...

"Meet my cousins Psyche and Hibi - eh? Shizu-chan? Why'd you fall over like that? You fainted? Ohhhh how interesting~ maybe he was overwhelmed with a surplus of my handsome features?"

THE END