chapter five

the bar was stuffy and crowded and the music blaring from the speakers was hideous to say the least. blaine was sitting in a far off corner and talked to two of the show's dancers. it was their last night in production and the party had been going on for quite a while. he could feel the white wine flowing along through his veins and heard himself lull silly things.

he was vaguely aware that he was waiting on something, that the whole evening he had been a little restless and missing something that wasn't there. he also knew that it was rachel he waited for but he gradually forgot of the relevance with the sultry looks he was being thrown from the bar.

the guy was older, if not by much but he could tell that this man had his fair share of experience, picking up guys in bars. he was good at it, balancing interest and ignorance perfectly to the point where blaine just wanted to walk over and make him take him home.

somewhere in the back of his head, something itched uncomfortably as he thought these thoughts, the same part that had felt uncomfortable as a whole the entire evening but he knew what that part was and what it wanted and he refused to act according to it.

he'd thought a lot about it. how his feelings for rachel and the nature of those tied in with who he was and in this state he found that it didn't. not at all. it didn't fit. he was a confident, out and proud gay male, it's what everybody knew he was, what had defined him, not only his personality but also his image. no, he'd never been an overly feminine homosexual, he was masculine and he identified strongly with manly men, which was why he often had to clarify to women that he was in fact not on their team, but he'd never failed to clarify. that's what he was and with a few drinks running through his system the resolutions he'd made – to rachel but also to himself – seemed very far away, almost like an act of defiance.

was he really going to listen to these pointed pulls of his heart and be with rachel if it meant deserting who he was, what he'd fought on so many fronts to be; free as he was now. no one looked at him strange anymore. there was no one he needed to explain anything to, not in new york city, which wasn't as surprising but mostly at home, with even his family accepting who he was. sipping on his gin, he thought about how the other's saw him, how everyone he knew in the bar had an idea of him that was painted by his sexuality and how great it was that it wasn't a bad idea, that they liked, accepted, respected or even fancied him the way he was. he also thought about the community and how the reactions of his gay friends would be if he came out about being with a woman. he couldn't even imagine how they would react. He felt oddly reminded of the time he'd questioned his sexuality over rachel before, back in lima and how kurt had reacted to it.

looking back now, he had this spiteful little voice taunting him about how thorough he'd investigated his feelings back then. If maybe he'd chosen not to repel kurt, - who'd been the first guy he'd ever felt a deeper connection with that wasn't just based on attraction but on understanding – over sorting out his attraction to women, or maybe rachel in particular. maybe she was that one famous exception. the one girl that could turn him straight. but then, wasn't that wrong? he wasn't supposed to be turned straight. he was gay. gay, gay, gay.

he was caught in that line of thoughts when the man from the bar sat down next to him with a drink in hand and smiled with a set of perfect teeth.

"you seem deep in thought", he stated, "may i ask what's troubling your pretty head?"

blaine laughed, almost bitterly.

"i'm not sure what i want anymore", he said and was surprised that he managed to sound almost coherently with his thoughts all in a blur.

"you're searching, aren't you?", he smiled and nodded as if he had any idea, "let me tell you something"

and with that he put his hand on his thigh and leaned in to whisper in blaine's ear.

"there's nothing wrong about being attracted to men, some of them are attracted to you, too", another deep growl for a laugh from him and then he leaned back and winked.

"i'm out of the closet", blaine said and smiled weakly, "i'm gay"

"now we're talking", the guy sad and put his arm around him, "but if i'd have to be honest I already suspected that with the way you looked at me"

"can I ask you something?", blaine said and shifted his position almost unnoticeably away from him, he had no idea why but his body had acted on it's own accord, obeying an order from his heart that his head was determined to ignore, "have you ever wanted someone who's totally wrong before? totally wrong? but right in a way but not, do you know what I mean?"

"someone who's into bad boy's there, huh?", the guy asked.

blaine shook his head, "no, just wrong, not a bad boy"

he couldn't even say that it wasn't a boy at all, drunk as he was, he felt ashamed to admit to another gay male that the impossible had happened to him and threw his life completely off track.

"but there's really something there, you know", he went on, gesturing widely, mostly because the guy had leaned in and his stupid body made him keep him at a distance, "there's fire. There's all kinds of...everything. it feels like...big. it's big"

"look", the guy said and finally sounded like he was going to give him a real answer, holding the flirting for a while, "we can't choose who we fall in love with. and when it feels good, it probably is. and who's to say someone's wrong for you? haven't we come far enough to ignore the ancient perceptions of love? you can be with whomever you want, we've achieved that, we've fought for that. for the liberation of love, for the right to love who we love without people judging. so don't judge your feelings yourself, don't fight it. we all know where fighting feelings ends up, at some point, we've all been there"

as he heard the words, his mouth curled up in a smile and then a grin. but before his brain acknowledged the reason why he did that, his blood froze at the call of his name.

"blaine", it was a shaky voice, a shocked voice, a painfully familiar voice and by the mere recognition he momentarily sobered up.

he looked up and saw her standing in front of him, eyes wide open, unbelieving and cracked, as if her whole being had sprung into two, one half ready to jump at him, one half ready to die.

For a second his doozy brain didn't understand why, for a second he was just happy to finally see her, all the terminally silenced butterflies springing back to vivid action in his chest but then he realized what she was seeing before her and before he could say anything she had already turned on her heals and stormed out.

"rachel, it's not what it looks like", he exclaimed, leaving the guy in surprise and without a second thought at the table and ran after her, out of the club, out into the rain.

to her it must've looked like he was flirting. his own heart ached with the realization that he'd hurt her. something he'd promised himself to never ever do.

"rachel, will you wait for god's sake?", he called after her when she kept running into the vacant street, "it wasn't what it looked like"

she stood abruptly and turned around, hair flying dramatically and fury painting her features bright red, even in the dim light of the street lamps.

"not what it looks like?", she shrieked, "you said you loved me, you said you wanted to be with me"

she let out a short grunt that was only a tiny bit away from a sob and had to swallow before she continued.

"i asked you, I asked you blaine", she said as the first tears broke free, "i asked you and you said you wanted the same as me, you said you loved me, ii asked you and it would've been okay if you'd said no but you said yes. and I was so happy. blaine, this whole week. i was so happy. because i thought i'd get lucky for once. for once in my life, someone who won't hurt me because you wouldn't, because you'd never lie to me. i didn't even think you felt the same way, i thought you couldn't and it would've been okay because it's not your fault that you don't feel attracted to me but you said you were and i was so happy, I was so happy, blaine"

she was downright sobbing now, the last words barely understandable and blaine felt like a dagger had slashed his heart.

he was quick to approach her, to hold her because the way she looked caused him physical pain, also the fact that it was because of him. he wanted to hug it away but she wouldn't let him touch her and shook his hand off.

"no", she whispered.

"rachel, please", he insisted, refraining to touch, but staying close, "we were just talking. i know he was all over me and I should've told him to back off but...this is hard for me, you know. everything I was is gone. i defined myself a great deal over my sexuality, probably more than i should've, probably more than I would've wanted if i'd noticed. and now with you, everything has changed, i...i feel like i've lost myself. i tried to get that portion of me back tonight but i couldn't"

"if you don't want to be with me, why didn't you just say it?", she still sobbed, even worse than before, "if i make you feel so bad, why didn't you tell me?"

"you didn't make me feel bad, not at all, you made me feel good, so much better than i'd felt in a long time, that's the problem", she flinched and he cursed himself, he just couldn't find the right words to make her see what he meant, "no, no, not...problem, rachel, please stop crying and listen to me. I thought i'd betray myself by wanting to be with you, i thought i'd betray the community by openly being with you. i'm an idiot, rachel, i'm so sorry. that's what the guy and me talked about. i thought i'd fallen in love with the wrong person but i didn't. he said it; if it feels good, it is good, if my heart tells me to be with you i should listen. i can't fight this feeling and i shouldn't try, loving someone can never be wrong. because it's a good thing, right? i love you, i love you, rachel, i love you"

she wouldn't look at him and he could tell she was still crying.

"are you sure?", she said and he almost hadn't heard it, "i'm not asking you again, if you're in this, you're in this for the long run and you can never ever do something like this to me again"

"i'm sure", he said, "for real this time, if i'd let you go now, i'd let you go for appearances and for the fear of what people will think of me, but i refuse to let that cost me you"

she finally looked up then and as if his heart had suddenly been freed off weight, it leapt at her stern and determined look which he already knew was going to be followed by a kiss.

and as they stood in the rain, kissing, his doubts were gone. if anyone wanted to criticize his choices, they could. If anyone wanted to deny him happiness and love because he'd found it in a woman instead of a man, they could. if his friends would be bewildered, they could, if they really cared for him, they'd want him to be happy and come around. if people wanted to call him out, they could. all they wanted. he had rachel, he had the person that he loved and desired right there in his arms. And nothing else was important.

Note: Mighty long one...i hope you liked it (do leave a review if you did, especially all you lurkers, I know you're there, come say hi, I don't bite!)