Kouken-nin (The Guardian)

Chapter One

Funny, Umino Iruka thought, how just a few words can send your life to hell.

"I'm sorry, Godaime-sama," Iruka said, hoping he'd misheard her. "Did you just say I'm now assigned to the Lair?"

Tsunade waved her hand impatiently. "Yes, you heard me. I'm taking you off the Mission Desk and assigning you to the Lair as its new Guardian."

The Lair. The resting place for Konoha's most secret, dangerous jutsus, stored deep within the Hokage Tower, guarded by Old Koya, a nin with a task so secret that he was rarely seen by any other than the Hokage.

Rumor had it that Koya had been found dead a few days before, suffocated within one of his own traps. No one knew where the rumor had begun, or whether or not it was true. There had been no funeral, no mourners, not even a name on the Memorial; just whispers and furtive, shared glances as the news traveled through the ranks of the jounin and trickled down to chuunin level, and Iruka.

And now Tsunade-sama wanted him to be the Guardian.

"Forgive me, Hokage-sama, but..." Iruka desperately searched his mind for a diplomatic refusal, "...I don't think I'm qualified for the position. Wasn't Koya-san a jounin?"

"Jounin, chuunin, it doesn't matter, so long as you've got the security clearance. You're organized, and you're good with traps- er, secure filing systems."

Not good. REALLY not good. Iruka had seen the former Guardian once, years ago, while playing shogi with the Sandaime. Koya had lurked in the shadows, tall and grim, with cold, dark eyes and gray hair that tumbled over his shoulders and was bound at the end by chakra thread hung with seals. The Sandaime had politely excused himself and the two men had left the room, Koya throwing a sharp, suspicious look at thirteen-year-old Iruka. Iruka remembered the shiver that had gone through him; he'd been close to death before, but still he'd been nearly overwhelmed by the man's killing intent.

This is crazy. I do NOT want to become some sort of secret, creepy, psycho-killer-librarian nin.

"But my security clearance-"

"You've been promoted to For-Hokage-Eyes-Only clearance."

Damn. Iruka tried a different tack. "I'm honored by your trust, of course. However, I'm concerned that it might interfere with my teaching-"

"There's an assistant."

"Ah... Thank you." There had to be some way to keep from being saddled with the most fucking dangerous – and potentially insanity-inducing – job in all of Konoha, S-rank missions included. "But Tsunade-sama, surely Koya-san's assistant should be promoted to his position-"

"Everyone tells me you're the best." Her eyes narrowed and a calculating smile crossed her face. "Something about a misspent youth."

Iruka swallowed hard, thoughts flying, searching for some avenue of escape. "I'm sure the rumors of my – ah – youthful escapades have been exaggerated. Really, you want someone far more experienced for such an important job than a man who pulled one or two pranks as a child."

Tsunade pushed a thick folder across her desk. "I wasn't born yesterday, Umino. This is the declassified folder of your so-called 'youthful escapades.'" Her smile made Iruka shiver. "I understand that the classified file is safely stored away in the Lair."

So the Sandaime had kept records. Iruka bowed his head in defeat. "There's no way I can refuse this, is there?"

"I'll give you a pay rise," Tsunade consoled. "And the health coverage for the position is phenomenal, better even than mine. Plus full funeral expenses and a lifetime pension for your heirs if the worst should happen to you."

Oh, great. Blood money for Naruto if he died and the equivalent of his own private room at the hospital if he survived. "And if I should be injured on the job – theoretically, of course – and, er, lose my cognitive abilities, falling into a persistent vegetative state?"

"I'll personally make sure that your room overlooks the Academy playground, so you can continue to watch over your students in spirit," Tsunade promised.

He was so dead. "I understand, Hokage-sama."

"I've put you on sabbatical from the Academy until you finish the task. After you've cleaned things up, it's simply a matter of changing out the traps on a daily basis, so it shouldn't interfere with your teaching. You'll have a proper system set up in no time. Here's the file," she added, pushing a stack of folders and scrolls at him. "I'm most concerned about the area housing the Fourth's research. Make sure it's secure."

Iruka gathered up the materials, stabilizing the unsteady pile he held with his chin as best he could while juggling a couple of the loose scrolls. "Yes, Hokage-sama."

"I want you to get started right away." Tsunade waved him out of her office with a disturbingly self-satisfied smile, looking more like someone who had found a ripe sucker for the fleecing than a hokage satisfied that she had found the perfect guardian for Konoha's darkest secrets.

As the door closed behind him, Iruka began to compose his Last Will and Testament, wondering if he should leave his meager possessions to the orphanage or direct his executor to pile them on top of Tsunade's desk and set fire to them as a last commentary on Iruka's opinion of her eventual posthumous destination.

The stack of materials met its pre-destined rendezvous with gravity just before Iruka reached the top of the flight of stairs that crept up the side of his apartment building and ended at his door. Cursing, he started down again, bending to retrieve loose pages.

The scrolls, unfortunately, rolled down all three flights.

Oo000oO

Iruka opened another door and poked his head inside. Empty. He cursed to himself. Another dead end.

Where the hell was Kimiko? He'd been surprised to find that she was still Koya's assistant; Iruka hadn't heard from her in years.

And when he did find her, things were likely to be awkward, since their breakup had been pretty abrupt and painful. He'd been ripe pickings for Mizuki's too-good-to-be-true charm and attention.

He cursed with a great deal of fervent imagination and retraced his steps to the Lair.

Five bloody hours later, Iruka managed to disable the traps that the late and now-very-much-unlamented Koya-san had set on his desk, for hokage's sake. Yet, having paid the price of a singed eyebrow and a torn hitai-ate, all he had to show for his efforts were a petrified eraser and the leaky half of a broken red ballpoint. Drawers, files, desktop – all empty.

"Underneath the underneath, my ass," Iruka muttered to himself. "Where the hell did he keep his records?"

And where the hell is Kimiko? She's not avoiding me, is she?

Another few minutes of increasingly irritated trap disabling – as well as a wrenched shoulder sustained in a hair's breadth escape from an impalement jutsu he'd accidentally triggered – and Iruka was ready to quit his new job and become a missing nin.

It was only for Naruto's sake that he decided to go see the Hokage first.