Summary-Given a chance to go back and change his life Anders vows to make things right for Hawke. But a happy ending needs to be earned and Anders will face off against his own demons and the arrival of Justice's new host. Can the mage get it right this time or will history win out in the end?

Pairings-Anders/M!Hawke, Fenris/M!Hawke, Carver/Merrill and a few suprises

It's Too Late And It's Too Bad

Chapter One

If Wishes Were Horses

A mage and a hypocrite. What company you keep. – Fenris

It was over.

The mages and templars continued to battle across the city as flames tore across the buildings and the screams of the civilians echoed into the darkness. The world was in chaos now, it would spread from here and the Circles across Thedas would hear of the uprising at Kirkwall. Even from their safe vantage point Hawke and his allies could still hear the battle raging across the city they had called home. The night sky was painted in red and orange colours and the smoke blocked out the moonlight.

Anders could say nothing as he watched the city burn. Instead he thought about Orsino and Meredith and what they tried to do for their own freedoms against the things they hated and feared the most.

Orsino, so desperate for a way out resorted to the vilest of blood magic and Meredith's insanity led to her own terrible death. The Circle and the templars were without leaders now. Anders raised his head to look upon the people he had come to care about. Isabela and Merrill were huddled around the campfire trying to stay warm despite the chill. Varric was cradling Bianca in his hands but the disbelief in his face was palpable.

Aveline was sharpening her sword but Anders could see the sadness and loss in her eyes. She had been forced to leave Donnic behind in the city. Fenris was sitting next to Hawke, his green eyes hardened and his face betraying what he thought about what had happened. His loyalty to Hawke had brought him to this place after all. Fenris caught Anders' gaze and the look of utter loathing made the apostate sick to his stomach.

He and Fenris had never once gotten along not even when Hawke begged them to talk civilly for his sake. Fenris had only chosen to view Hawke as the most honourable mage he had ever met but it had always been more than that. Hawke had been the first person to ever treat Fenris with kindness.

The former slave had been so resilient against the mage for a long time but Hawke was nothing if not persistent and eventually Fenris called him friend. His hatred for Anders remained and only increased when Hawke had fallen in love with his fellow mage. Anders had never once been blind to the looks of longing and regret he saw in Fenris' eyes when Hawke wasn't looking.

Anders dared to take in the sight of the man who loved him. Hawke's Champion armour was caked in blood from both Orsino and Meredith and he was leaning heavily on his staff. He looked so drained of energy, which wasn't surprising. He had all but depleted his mana to stop Meredith.

His once vibrant aquamarine eyes were dull and glassy and no one uttered a word to him. What could anyone say to him to make this moment fine? Hawke had been forced to flee another home. His estate had been left behind along with Sandal and Bodahn. Anders had no idea if they escaped the city but he hoped they did. Sebastian was long gone to gather and army against the mage responsible for all of this. And Hawke had still defended him, had refused to kill him despite everything he had done.

Anders swallowed thickly at the memory of Hawke's face when he accused Anders of lying to him from day one. The look of utter betrayal on his face was worse than anything the templars had ever done to him over the years. He had believed that Anders had never once loved him, that it had all been a ruse just to get Hawke to help him. That part was never a lie, it had never once been untrue but Anders didn't know if that would help anymore. Hawke was a mage and Anders had thought that if anyone understood then he would. Hawke called him a murderer, a fanatic who took the lives of innocent people just to start his war. Now that they were out of Kirkwall and the Knight-Commander was dead Anders wanted to talk to his love, he wanted him to understand why he did what he did.

"Anders…" the blond mage felt his heart jump when Hawke's voice spoke softly. "I need to talk to you."

"Yes…" Anders whispered. His voice had failed him but he followed after his love away from the campfire.

Garrett Hawke had always been the strong one. He had survived losing Lothering and his sister Bethany. He had remained strong after losing his brother in the Deep Roads and sending him to the Grey Wardens. He had kept his head up when his mother suffered that horrific fate. Hawke had always faced everything head on and never once looked back. But now he looked so…broken. There was no spark anymore, no fire or smiles. He refused to look Anders in the eye but his grip on his staff tightened to the point his knuckles turned white and his palms bled. Looking into his face Anders realised the Garrett Hawke he had met in Darktown all those years ago was no longer there.

"I want to hate you." Hawke whispered harshly. He finally turned his face up and Anders let out a strangled cry when he saw fresh tears on Hawke's face. "I should have killed you when Sebastian asked me."

"I know…" Anders whispered. It was the only thing he could think of to say.

"No you don't." Hawke shook his head fiercely. "You don't understand a bloody thing!"

"Garrett," Anders gasped when the other mage glared at him with so much contempt and rage.

"Don't you dare call me that." He whispered in barely contained rage. "You lost that right the second you killed all those people."

"There was no other way!" Anders wanted to reach out and touch him. He wanted to feel those arms wrapped around him again. "I had to do something to change the world we live in."

"So planting an explosive in a Chantry was the right thing to do?" Hawke pushed away from the tree. "How long were you planning this? No more lies or games Anders. Tell me the truth now."

"The year after we met." Anders admitted finally.

"So everything you ever did…everything you said was all for this to happen." Hawke furiously wiped his eyes. "You used me. Was everything a lie with you? Did you even mean it when you said you loved me?"

"No!" this time Anders reached out and grabbed Hawke's wrists. "I never once lied about what I feel for you! You were the only good thing in my life and I wanted to keep that so badly."

"You're a blighted hypocrite Anders!" Hawke tore his hands free. "You accuse Merrill of being a monster because of the Blood Magic. You never once tried to understand the pain Fenris went through and why he hates mages so much. And then you accuse me of not caring about you when I want to know the truth."

"I needed them to understand." Anders wanted to make the situation better. He wanted Hawke to tell him he had been right. If Garrett would just hold him and say he understood then everything would be fine. "Mages need to be free Hawke. They can't be oppressed anymore by the bastard templars! Merrill is a mage and so was your sister. I was doing this for them too."

"What made you think they would condone this?" Hawke sneered. "I can't look at you without feeling sick. The sight of you makes me sick!"

"Garrett…" Anders didn't bother hiding his own tears now. Maker he had been prepared for it, he had gone over this a thousand times in his head but to actually hear Hawke use those words…he wanted to curl up in the darkness.

"I couldn't kill you because you were the one person I loved more than anything. You promised to stay with me until the day we die." Hawke swallowed around the agonising lump in his throat.

"Maker I'm sorry." Anders sobbed out. Hawke made no move to comfort him as the mage fell to his knees. "I'm so sorry Garrett. There's nothing I can say to change what I've done here."

"I know." Hawke breathed out. "But I can't forgive what you've done Anders. I want to but I can't anymore."

"So now what?" Anders asked when the silence began to weigh on him heavily. He stood up on shaky legs while Hawke remained passive before him.

"We head into the wilds to get some space between us and Kirkwall." Hawke answered automatically. "But this is over Anders. Once we get clear I want you to leave."

"Leave?" his eyes turned wet with fresh tears. "You're leaving me?"

"I'll always love you Anders. You're the only man I've ever been in love with. You were the only one I wanted to spend my life with." Hawke smiled sadly and for a small moment Anders could see Garrett again, the man he loved completely. "But I don't think I ever knew the real you. I wish...I wish I could have known you before Justice."

"I wished for that too, more than you can possibly know." the blond mage admitted harshly.

"But I can't look at you without seeing the Chantry being destroyed. I can look at you without seeing those people." Hawke started walking back to the camp. He stopped then reached into his side pack with a shaky hand. "I wanted to give this to you."

"A ring?" Anders took the golden ring from Hawke's bloodied hand.

"It was my father's. Before he died he told me to give this ring to the one I was going to spend my life with." Hawke couldn't bring himself to look at Anders when he heard the mage give a strangled cry. "I still want you to have it. It was yours the moment you kissed me."

Anders felt his heart jump and warmth flutter into his belly when warm lips pressed against his in a gentle sweet kiss. Hawke drew back and gave him one final sad smile. "Goodbye Anders."

Hawke turned and walked away, his heart all but broken and tears staining his face. Anders could only stare at the ring in his hand. It was small and nothing special but it felt so heavy in his grasp. Hawke had wanted to give him his father's ring...he had wanted to...

His legs buckled and Anders sank to the damp grass as the full weight of what he had lost him hit. He had been so happy with Garrett during those three years. He had never been in a truly committed relationship before and he was so scared Garrett would realise how much of a mistake he had made and leave him. But looking at the ring and hearing Garrett walk away from him completely made Anders realise how much he had lost to achieve his goals.

He had thought that with Justice he would come to terms with whatever Hawke wanted but it was all for the greater good. He had been so sure that everything would be fine once Kirkwall's mages had risen up and fought back. There was a part of him that hoped Hawke would end his wretched life and grant him and Justice the peace they both needed.

Some things are more important than my life, than either of us.

It would have been so much better if Hawke had killed him.

You're wrong! Nothing is more important than love.

He could feel cold rain against his hair and skin. The cries from Kirkwall were beginning fade a little into the distance.

I've never felt this way about anyone.

Anders wondered if this was his punishment. He wondered what his Warden Commander would have said. Theron Mahariel had always been a forgiving soul.

This is the rule I will most cherish breaking.

Would Theron have forgiven him? Would Nathaniel have understood? Would he ever feel a fraction of what he felt with Hawke ever again?

I want you right here. Until the day we die.

Clutching onto the ring as if it were his last anchor to sanity Anders realised for one shattering moment that maybe he had made a terrible mistake.

I love you.

"Garrett..." Anders could only say the name before his grief crippled him and he wept bitterly.