A/N: Yeah, I'm still lurking around the fandom. I just haven't had much of anything begging me to write it these days. But this morning I was thinking about what would happen if Gerald ever caught Helga trying to sabotage one of Arnold's dates when they were in high school, and I was so tickled by part of what I came up with that I decided to write it for you all. I think it worked better as a movie in my head, because the dialogue moved faster, but whatever. Enjoy. If anyone even bothers to read this. (I'm well aware that this collection has hardly any reviews, hint hint.)

Castration

"Alright Helga," said Gerald, approaching her and Pheobe at lunch one day, "ever since I called you out on messing with my boy's dates, you've been acting completely whack. It ain't natural, and I hate to say it, but you're actually starting to get to me." He frowned. "Do you need someone to torture that badly? 'Cause if you do... well… I've been thinking, and - I can't believe I'm saying this - but… I guess if you really, really need to... you can destroy my life for a while."

Relieved to have finally said what he needed to, Gerald let out the breath he had unconsciously been holding. Then he folded his arms across his chest and added, "But this is a one-time offer; don't go thinking you'll ever be getting this chance again."

Pheobe seemed surprised by Gerald's somewhat sacrificial offer, but Helga had the most drole, deadpan expression on her face that he had ever seen. The two of them held each other's gaze for a few moments, until Helga realized that Gerald would not be leaving without and answer. She closed her eyes and sighed loudly, then turned to Pheobe.

When Helga opened her eyes, and her gaze had completely transformed. It swam with sadness and longing, and most of all a meek and somewhat piteous desperation. Pheobe blinked twice, and then gasped.

"R-really?" she asked. "Are you sure?"

Helga rested her chin on her arms (which were folded on top of the lunch table) and nodded. "It doesn't matter anymore," she replied "does it?"

But then, fast enough to give him whiplash, Helga's eyes were back on Gerald, fierce and vicious like those of a rabid dog. "As long as Hair Boy here knows that if Arnold ever, EVER finds out what you are about to tell him I will castrate him and then strangle him with his own dick-"

"Um, Helga, castration only involves removal of the testes,"

"NOT THE POINT PHEEBS!"

"Right!" exclaimed the mousey little girl, "Telling!"