Betaed by Blind_Alchemist sama! She is so wonderful. I am so sorry I repaid you with depression...
Title: Regret
Pairing: UK China. Mpreg mentioned.
Warning: AU, psychological.
Note: This is the kind of stories I love to imagine. Really, really love. I love emotional torture.
Enjoy!
Arthur looked down at the wailing bundle in his arms. The baby was yelling, crying, sobbing, wailing, because it was hungry and he wanted to drink milk. His mother's milk.
Yet the mother was lying lifelessly on the ground of the parking lot, blood splashed everywhere, his brains smashed on the concrete pretty hard, and yet there was the most beautiful smile on Yao's face.
He was happy, because he had finally freed himself from the pain.
And Arthur was the one who inflicted the pain, maybe not the first episode of pain in Yao's life, but definitely the pain that triggered Yao's decision to kill himself.
Just a day after their son was born.
People around them were rushing and panicking and trying to remove the body as fast as possible. But Arthur knew it would happen. Because Yao never forgot his promise.
"I'll stay until this baby is born, aru."
So it had begun innocently.
At that time, male pregnancy was a normality in society. Ever since the population of gay and lesbian people had first boomed, scientists had found discovered some ways to help make the resulting couples conceive children. Thus, the world had turned into a place where 'Adam and Eve', 'Adam and Steve' and 'Eve and Lilith' could join together and reproduce.
Ever since he had started working in a pharmaceutical company that produced the drug to help couples conceive, Arthur had become one of the most popular blokes in the company. Of course, with the help of his looks, his (sexy) British accent, his gentlemanly attitude, his handsome smile. Everybody, man and woman alike, was attracted to him. And they had equal chances, because Arthur was a bi.
And at that time, he had the perfect woman: beauty and brains in a model's body. He was perfectly happy with what he had. The lady also understood what a big catch he was, and she kept him happy. They never had any disputes over anything. Both were independent and successful, but in different business sections, so they never crossed each other's paths. They settled down, and Arthur had started to think about proposing.
It was during that particular time he met Wang Yao; a small, cute and noisy Chinese restaurant waiter. He was a very chatty waiter, but they grew friendly with each other as Arthur loved to visit that place after work time, just to unwind. Arthur felt good that the Chinese man could always chatter away, amiably, about everything, and it made Arthur forget about his mistakes at work, or his fights with colleagues.
And then one particular night when Arthur was feeling down and went to the same Chinese restaurant to unwind, he saw Wang Yao kissing the earth. There was another guy beside him, who violently kicked and spitted on Yao.
"I am sorry aru." Yao repeated the sentence over and over again. "I don't have money tonight, aru. I will give it to you as soon as I can, aru."
"You fucking useless bitch!" The man spitted for the last time and left him alone. Arthur went up and tried to help Yao, but when Yao realized that Arthur saw the whole scene, he just smiled.
"I am sorry, aru. It was embarrassing."
"Who was that, Yao?"
"…My father." Yao whispered, as a flash of sadness showed up in his face for a second, but then it turned to the cheerful Yao once again. "Nevermind that, aru! Do you want to eat? I will cook you a good dish tonight, aru!"
"He was kicking and hurting you, Yao! You should tell the police!"
Yao sighed. "It's okay, aru. He is my father after all, and he was right. I should have worked harder. My little brothers at home were waiting for food, aru."
"…are you the bread winner of the family?"
China didn't answer but looked away. "I don't have anyone else to turn to, aru. Aiyah, you are such a busy body, ahen! Come inside, and I'll give you the usual ma bo taufu!"
With dirt on his face and some traces of blue around his eye, Yao couldn't laugh away the evidence of domestic violence. So Arthur, being a gentleman he was, offered a generous offer.
"How about you live it my place for a while, Yao? This way you don't have to receive his abuse anymore."
"I have siblings, aru. I am the eldest."
"But you don't need to receive everything in silence!"
"Aiyah! Arthur, you are such a busy body, aru! Just go in!"
Arthur kept his offer for several days, but Yao refused it every time it was mentioned. And then his curiosity regarding Yao's background grew. So he asked around, but there wasn't enough information, since everybody around that area all had similar conditions.
And then, Arthur's company produced a new fertility drug, which was intended to be even better than the presently circulating fertility drugs in the market. They needed to conduct some test drives, and so Arthur was left in charge of administering the drug tests.
He remembered how Yao was always short of money, so he offered the man to be a pat of the trial, with a handsome payment. Actually Arthur paid some of it from his own pocket, just for Yao. Yao looked at the drug, and he bit his lips.
"…Can the drug make me pregnant, aru?"
"Well, it should. It is what the intended effect would be."
"… How fast can I get pregnant? I meant, how long will I get paid, aru?"
""Well, you'll get paid until you get pregnant and gave birth, Yao."
"…" Yao looked down. "…But I might get pregnant quickly, aru."
"Why is that?" Arthur sparked some interest. "Are you in a relationship?"
"…I think I need to refuse, aru."
Arthur smiled his best business smile. "Don't be crazy, Yao. You'll get paid handsomely, you know. You'll get more money this way!"
"But I don't want to give birth to my own brother… or sister, aru."
Arthur stopped smiling. The words came through his head, and all he could conclude was that Yao's father was sleeping with his own son.
"Our mother ran away when my youngest brother was born, so… I need to substitute for her, aru." Yao held his breath." So… I think I need to refuse, aru."
Arthur couldn't take the answer and in the end, he took the Chinese man into his own apartment.
The sudden appearance of a Chinese rival wasn't appealing to Arthur's steady girlfriend. She started to get jealous, and they ended up having their first fight. Yao hid inside the guess room, listening to the argument word by word. Although they ended up having hot make up sex on the couch, the fighting grew worse and worse. She wasn't as perfect as he originally thought she would be. And Yao was mortified, torn. He didn't like how he made them fight, but Yao was too happy when Arthur showed he cared. And Yao was free from his father's abuse.
But the fighting grew worse, and although they hadn't stopped living together, Arthur and his girlfriend saw each other less and less after 3 months. Instead Arthur stayed home and played/ate/enjoyed movies with Yao instead. Yao had since changed his job, and although he didn't tell Arthur about his new job, he insisted on paying rent, saying that his new work actually pay him quite well, and he didn't want to impose more than what he had.
Arthur tried to understand and saw that the man was actually quite timid at times. The cheerful Yao in the Chinese shop was an act, so that customers would come back. The real daily Yao was a silent, timid, scared boy who watched the other person's body language before answering Arthur's questions. Yao smiled all the time, but he stayed in his place, wouldn't move until Arthur allowed him to. Arthur could see the remaining trauma the man had, trained since childhood just to 'serve'. Arthur didn't like it, but when he heard Yao welcome him home, Arthur felt something in his chest stirring. Just a bit.
And the fights with his girlfriend grew worse. Arthur started to wonder why he even used to love the woman. Yao, who always watched from the kitchen, felt so guilty. One day Arthur found a note saying thanks from Yao and some money stacked on the table. Yao had packed his stuff and gone away, leaving 'some rent and food money'. His girlfriend, who was actually with him when Arthur came home, sighed.
"Just the right time. Finally the Chinese bitch knows his place."
When he heard that, Arthur knew he couldn't love this woman, or stay together with her.
"Let yourself out." He said coldly. "We are finished."
"But!"
"OUT!" Arthur yelled, and the woman left the apartment in shame, never to return. Arthur put on his jacket back and went to search for Yao. He went around, but there were so many people and no trace of Yao whatsoever. In the end, he walked back home gloomily. Just when he was actually about to give up, he saw Yao's picture on the local brothel's billboard, advertising a 'cute fuck for the night'.
Arthur's blood rose to his head. So Yao was working as a sexual escort. Yao was lying to him when he said the work was safe. Arthur went into the brothel, but he was too late. Yao has resigned that night. Arthur kicked himself and went to the Chinese restaurant he used to go. He found the owner and asked where Yao's house was. After some struggling and a bit money exchanging hands later, Arthur finally found the place.
It was a small hut. It wasn't even a house, and it was trapped between many similar huts around the area. There was a window and a door, but pretty much that was it. Arthur knocked the door. A small boy opened the door and looked at him coldly.
"…Is Yao here?'
The boy didn't reply but opened the door wider, so Arthur came in. He saw how bad the condition was, with all the old chairs and staled futons, urine smells everywhere and voices from the other room. There were two other boys, two of them twins, all looking at him coldly, too cold for children. He found the voices were quite disturbing so he looked over. Arthur turned to see Yao writhing underneath an old man.
When Yao saw who the guest was, he couldn't control himself and sobbed.
"Don't look, aru!"
He didn't really remember what happened next. Arthur found himself at the police station office with a bail, and Yao sobbing beside him. Arthur's hand was red, his knuckles bruised. Apparently he had attacked Yao's old man (father) and had sent him to the hospital with enough stitches to kill.
"I am sorry, aru… I am sorry." Yao kept sobbing, but Arthur became restless. He shook the man's body and growled.
"You shouldn't be sorry! That was… that was….!"
Yao smiled. "Thank you, aru."
"No. This is not enough." Arthur muttered to himself. Yao took it literally and went pale.
"I am sorry, aru. I will pay for the bail. It's just now that father is hospitalized, I don't have enough money to pay you now, aru. I will work better and I promise I will pay…"
"I'm not asking you to pay, Yao," Arthur cut coldly. "I want you to move in with me. That witch girlfriend of mine has gone, and I am alone now. You need to come back with me…"
"But… but didn't you say that she is the perfect woman for you? Didn't you say that you have no intention of loving any other person except her? And she was perfect, yes, she loved you too, aru!"
Arthur smiled sadly, but tears started to swell in his eyes. He knew that he was blindly in love with her. Or maybe blindly in love with the prospect of having the perfect wife. And now that she had left; rather, he had cut off their relationship, he was alone again. "When I'm alone, I think, maybe I should have done this long ago… or wonder why it turned out like this, I forget things, the memories… and it hurts. I think… I was lonely…"
"Arthur…"
"I was so lonely I could die. I want you to come with me and make me not lonely again. I am so lonely I could die."
Suddenly Arthur felt a warm pressure from above. Yao hugged him gently, kissing his hair.
"…If that's the problem, I will take care of you, aru. I will make you happy, Arthur. I promise."
So they started to live together. But Arthur was quite shocked from the breakup, and he actually mourned the loss of his perfect girlfriend. Beside him sat Yao, always smiling and reassuring and gentle, trying to cheer Arthur up with whichever way he could.
It soon developed into depression and Arthur lost his brightness, his light. Yao watched in pain, wondering whether he had truly destroyed the man's life. He succumbed to a last resort: calling the girlfriend.
They met up in a café. The girlfriend looked regal and beautiful and smart and perfect, while Yao scowled at himself, wondering how his most expensive supermarket-bought shirt compared to Bvlgari suits. But he didn't back down, and he explained that Arthur needed her. Yao begged the woman to take Arthur back.
The woman, either from pity for Yao's feelings (she knew straight away that the boy was in love with his ex-boyfriend) or Yao's condition (Yao looked dull and unattractive when she was sitting there together), agreed to meet Arthur. So Yao set the two of them up and waited in Arthur's apartment.
If Arthur could make up with the woman, Yao would take all his belongings and return to his home. He stayed because he wanted to confirm the girlfriend that he, Yao, wouldn't interfere with their relationship anymore. So he waited and waited, and his mind flew. He was never spoiled, and the time he'd spent with Arthur was the nearest he'd experienced to happiness. He held back his emotions, trying to rub off the tear drops when suddenly Arthur opened the door.
Yao stood up. "Welcome home. How did it go, aru?"
"… Let's get married." Arthur suddenly said to the man. "You love me, don't you?"
Yao couldn't believe his ears. But he smiled and nodded.
"Yes, aru."
And so they got married. It was a pitiful sight, when half of the church was filled fully by Arthur's colleagues and families, while Yao's side of seats was empty to the bone. His little brothers were sent to orphanages, and Yao couldn't protect them. Their father was still in coma, because apparently Arthur's punch, combined with his own alcoholism and high cholesterol levels was too much for the old man to handle.
Yao couldn't believe himself when they actually blessed and kissed in front of the church. Arthur looked down on him, smiling, but his eyes were dead. Yao looked up and swallowed his own emotions.
He needs me to be this way. I, who was abandoned and beaten by my family even after supporting them… I don't need anything in return. I'll stay by his side no matter what else in his life might fall apart. I'll stay by his side… just because he's himself.
Yao closed his eyes tightly and let himself be embraced. He swallowed his emotions when Arthur's families refused to shake hands with him.
They were right, Yao smiled to himself. He wasn't good enough for Arthur.
He was just the 'rebound girl'.
Since Arthur forbade him from working any jobs, in the end Yao took the drug trial and begun using the fertility drug. Arthur meanwhile, gradually became better and returned to his normal self. Now that Yao served and prepared everything in the house, Arthur started to feel like it was a chore to go home and went away to play. He fell for other women's seductions and had many affairs, just 3 months after he married Yao. But he was still feeling guilty when he saw how Yao completely trusted him, so everytime he slept with another person, he bought Yao a doll, a candy box, or flowers. He would then pamper Yao with gentle sex and massage. He reasoned that since he was not sleeping with a same person everytime, he wasn't cheating.
He didn't know that Yao actually knew. Yao watched sadly as he washed the lipstick stained shirts, watching new kiss marks appear behind his husband's ears and how Arthur smelled different every day. He kept his silence and endured. Because it was what he did best, enduring everything bad until he could be happy. Just like his family. So he should endure until they were old enough and Arthur would depend on him then, and then Arthur would love him back.
And so he endured.
Until a month later, a woman knocked their door.
"Hi, I want to meet Arthur, is he inside?"
Yao nodded and noticed that the woman had the same aura as the ex-girlfriend.
"Are you his housekeeper? He talked about you, saying your cooking is good! By the way, nice to meet you, I am Arthur's new girlfriend."
Yao felt his body freeze. In the same moment, Arthur went out from the bathroom, walked around the room half-naked, and asked,
"Who's there, Yao?"
"Arthur!" The woman smiled gleefully and went in. "I was nearby and I thought we could… you know… I just looooove how you make me purr, you bad boy."
Arthur paled and received the hug and kiss from the woman passively. He watched Yao like a hawk, and Yao was still frozen by the door, face down.
"Yao… I can explain. You," Arthur pushed the woman away, "I have no business with you. Go out."
"Arthur! Why are you so rude! You can ask the housekeeper to go away, and we can…"
"I am not the housekeeper, aru." Yao suddenly talked. "I am his … spouse."
"Are you kidding me?" The woman gasped. "Arthur said he was single yesterday!"
A bitter smile flashed through Yao's face. The Chinese man closed his mouth and went to their bedroom, locking the room from inside. Arthur swore loudly.
It was all messed up.
After he threw the woman out, Arthur went back to the apartment and knocked on their bedroom's door.
"Yao… I can explain this, please come out?"
There were some sounds heard before the door was opened. Yao's eyes were red and swollen, but he wasn't crying anymore.
"Where is she, aru?"
"She went home already. I am so sorry. This is all a mistake… I just met her… I swear, I just kissed her once…"
"I know." Yao whispered. "You don't need to lie, aru. I know you have affairs. I know, aru."
"Yao…" Arthur started to pale. "I won't do it again, I promise, I am so sorry…"
"I know you are sorry. I understand, aru. You maybe don't think I am good enough. I am not your ex girlfriend, aru." Yao laughed sadly and waved his hands. "But I love you nevertheless. I am happy that you stay with me, aru. I will never let you go, unless you want me to, aru. So."
"..So?" Arthur asked.
"So… tell me when you want a divorce. I am prepared." Yao smiled and slapped Arthur's face once, then went to toilet and locked himself for the whole night.
Arthur woke up the next morning to find Yao, as usual, was in the kitchen and cooking breakfast for him. The man looked cheerful, like usual, but it all seemed like an act. Yao smiled and asked him to sit. Arthur watched the scene, didn't know what to do. He had tried to apologize, but he knew it wasn't a simple thing one could apologize by only words.
And then he realized Yao was actually cutting his own hand.
There was blood, and Yao's left hand was full of bleeding scratch. But the man kept cutting, this time carrots. Arthur immediately forced Yao to stop, and he treated the man's hand. Yao smiled and laughed, saying that it was nothing, it wasn't even painful, Arthur worried too much.
And worried he was. He couldn't forget what happened, so he bought the biggest rose bouquet he could find and went home. Yao welcomed him with a smile as usual, and when Arthur gave him the rose, Yao's tears fell down.
"I am sorry." Arthur whispered. "Please don't be angry."
"I am not… angry, aru. I am just… disappointed. This thing should be very expensive, aru. Should I be… happy? Or sad?"
"Yao?"
"You always give me things after you have an affair, aru. Like the dolls on top of our bed post. Counts for yourself, aru." Yao smiled and took the roses, filling it into a big vase. "So this time… should I be happy that you are trying to spoil me, aru, or should I be sad again because you cheat right after you say sorry?"
"I DON'T CHEAT THIS TIME!" Arthur shouted; rage filled his mind because he was distrusted by Yao.
The Chinese man sighed. "Aiyah, I am sorry for being too paranoid, aru… how about we have a good dinner and then we can have make up sex and then we can sleep like usual, aru? How's that sound? I prepared so much, aru!"
"Yao…"
"You took off the wedding band and said you are single, aru. So maybe you are. Maybe I am one of your mistresses too. I know I am not suitable to be your spouse, aru. I know you don't even like me enough to actually say it, aru. So be it. I don't mind being your old mistress. Oh, funny how I don't even understand what I am saying anymore, aru. You still come home anyway…"
Yao came back to his chattering self which Arthur had seen in the Chinese restaurant. Yao was putting up and act and being cheerful again. Feeling even guiltier, Arthur tightly hugged Yao from behind. Yao felt the pressure and closed his eyes. Of course he knew that he couldn't be angry at Arthur. He shouldn't demand anything. He shouldn't even say anything. Because Yao was the 'rebound girl'. So Yao meekly obeyed when Arthur removed his clothes and they started making out on the sofa in the living room.
When Yao felt the sofa on his back, he started to miss the early days… When he could be the chatty waiter and Arthur was a gentle customer. When everything was simple and seeing Arthur's smile was enough for him. He had become greedy and now he was being punished. Just when Yao thought about it, he felt like he wanted to throw up. Because now Arthur's touch felt disgusting.
Arthur watched as Yao sobbed and tried to be even gentler. When the British man tried to kiss his little wife, suddenly Yao pushed him and went to the toilet to throw up.
In the end, Arthur helped Yao by holding his hair while he threw up the whole night.
The doctor was congratulating them, "This is amazing! The drug succeeded in just three months! Congratulations, you are in your third month, Mr. Yao."
Yao felt the arms around his waist tighten. Arthur was looking at the doctor in disbelief, and Yao kicked himself, thinking that Arthur must be regretting about the sudden news. Yao had hoped that he had contracted some disease or something, so he would die fast.
"…I am sorry, aru." Yao whispered. Arthur turned to him, asking what he meant. Yao answered softly, "I am sorry if you feel trapped by this, aru. I can…"
"What are you saying? This is bloody good news! I am going to be a father!"
Yao stopped talking and let himself be hugged and tossed by Arthur.
But he wasn't happy. Yao wasn't happy at all. He didn't want the child.
He didn't want to be there.
Arthur went home to find Yao staring blankly at the ceiling. It was two months after they'd discovered that Yao was pregnant, and Arthur was still in the delightful spree, going to buy every single baby thing he could find. He went in with a big baby chair and shouted,
"I am home, Yao!"
Yao turned to him, and he wasn't even smiling.
"…My father was found dead this morning, aru."
Arthur stopped smiling, and he knew, he was to blame for it. Well, partly.
"… I used to think he was almighty, aru. He was so scary. But he is gone now, aru. He is gone…"
"Yao…"
"…And I am alone." Yao started to sob. "I have lost the last family I have, aru."
Arthur couldn't refute. He knew what Yao meant. Since the night with the affair regarding the stupid woman, Arthur had tried his best to rectify retaliate what he had done. So he started to search for Yao's scattered brothers, but apparently they were all adopted, but the adoptive family turned out to be fake. Yao wept when he heard the truth and Arthur couldn't help but watch how Yao wailed and blamed himself.
And now, the father who had been in coma for six months finally passed away.
"…It's OK, Yao. I am your family too, remember?"
"Are you, aru?" Yao asked innocently, but then he realized his mistake and shut his mouth. Arthur could read what Yao was thinking.
Are you my family? Do you love me enough to be my family?
To demonstrate his feeling, Arthur had said the L-word so many times. But for Yao, it was a forced confession, since it was said after Yao pointed it out. So it was pointless to say anything anymore and Arthur took Yao gently into the bedroom, asking the Chinese man to sleep.
In the morning, Arthur decided he wanted to be just the supportive husband Yao needed. So he made breakfast for the sleeping beauty and when Yao opened his eyes, the food was in front of him, with a tray.
"Breakfast in bed, just for you. Good morning."
Yao stared at the food, then looked up, confused.
"Let me spoil you, my dear." Arthur smiled and sat beside the man. Yao timidly took a piece of burnt toast and ate it. Meanwhile, Arthur played with Yao's unkempt hair.
"Let's go somewhere. I realized I haven't even taken you for a honeymoon. But since you are pregnant, I think we need to wait until the baby is born to do it. Nevertheless, where do you want to go, Yao?"
Yao stared at his toast.
"Yao?"
"… Let's get a divorce, aru."
It was so shocking for Arthur. He stopped being gentle and shook the Chinese's frail body. "What? Are you bloody fucking out of your mind?"
"Let's get divorce, aru. Before I kill myself. So you won't be responsible for my death, aru."
"…Don't talk about death and suicide, Yao. It's stupid."
Yao didn't say anything and finished the whole toast. Arthur waited until he was finished drinking the milk before arguing again.
"Don't be stupid, Yao. You are not supposed to commit suicide."
"…Why not, aru?" Yao whispered. "I am clearly not valuable enough to live."
"Who said that? You are, believe me. I love you. So much."
"Since when? I bet my head you have stopped loving me, if only it had even ever started, aru. Nobody stays anyway. Not mother, not my family, not you, aru. No one. Why should you love me then?"
"….So you want a divorce?"
Yao finally smiled. "Yes. I am happier that way, aru."
"What about the baby?"
"I can abort it if you don't want it, aru."
"I want it. I want you."
"I can give it to you. ... Fine. I'll stay until this baby is born, aru. Then we'll decide after then, aru."
And Arthur couldn't stop cursing himself. He was just out from the room for twenty minutes, just to get his newborn son so that Yao could see him. But Yao went up to the rooftop and jumped down, without even saying anything.
"I'll stay until this baby is born, aru."
Stupid of him. Arthur cursed. Stupid. Bloody stupid. He shouldn't ever left the room.
He felt so guilty it hurts.
End. Cheer me with reviews and flame?