I am Rex Sun, age 18. This is my first fanfiction. It was written for a gen request at cgkinkmemeii at livejournal. Please treat it kindly. You can find the rough draft to this and other stories on my livejournal: rex-sun

Glass

A maddening anger wells up inside of Suzaku as he finally, finally finds Lelouch sitting alone in Shinjuku. Every tiny little hint thrown his way, Suzaku's head tumbles and swells with steam, and he wants to stomp his boot and demand how no one ever realized Lelouch had regained his memories. And this is no small hint (but not, either, undeniable proof). Suzaku had followed Rolo from so far away at the beginning, and the guy had somehow given Suzaku the slip; after that, it had taken nearly an hour to find Lelouch on his own. Now Suzaku marches right up to Lelouch, his boots clacking and echoing around a construction site long abandoned, and no one, as far as Suzaku can see, has stuck around to save Lelouch this time.

"Lelouch," he calls out, voice cold and angry. "Why are you here?" (In Shinjuku, the place no normal Britannian would set foot in, the place you wouldn't come back to if you really didn't remember. Wiggle your way out of this one, you silver-tongued devil.)

Lelouch does not immediately respond; his head is hanging sharply, fine black hair swinging limply forward- and that's strange, because Suzaku has never known Lelouch to be anything less than impeccably groomed, but it seems as if he's skipped a shampoo. The sleeves of his wrinkled jacket are bunched around his elbows. He doesn't look up until Suzaku is only a few strides away.

His eyes are puffy, purple smudges atop cheekbones defined lately by lesser weight, his skin waxy and pale. He looks unwell.

"Suzaku," he says, voice a tired rumble. It is unlike Lelouch's day-to-day voice of inane pleasantness, the voice he uses to speak to people about budgets at school or to greet Suzaku, the first friend he ever had, after not seeing him for a year. Suzaku's anger is momentarily clouded by the strangeness of the situation: finding an unkempt Lelouch alone in the wee hours of the morning who is looking at Suzaku in a wide-eyed yet entirely vacant sort of way that makes Suzaku's skin crawl.

"Are you sick?" Suzaku has to ask in a halfhearted attempt to keep up the act that he and Lelouch are still friends. Lelouch doesn't respond except to look away again and run his fingers over the top of his head in an utterly inelegant move that, again, is so very uncommon for Lelouch.

Suzaku repeats his question and moves forward until at last he comprehends, yes, Lelouch is sick.

Because that is the sort of bottle Refrain usually comes in, sitting there next to him, horribly empty, just as Suzaku feels his stomach suddenly to be. And that is a needle, and that is a cap unscrewed, and that is a small smear of blood there beneath the hand Lelouch is clutching his other arm with.

Suzaku seriously considers turning on his heel and walking away, right now. Now, before he can see or hear anything that can't be undone. And he thinks this might be the perfect opportunity to fish out the truth, but he also thinks that this moment is very still and raw and he has no clue how to break the evil spell. He feels himself shaking his head, though his eyes are trained on Lelouch. What are you hoping to remember?, he wants to ask, but the words don't make it to his mouth, too busy crashing and conflicting with, Since when were you so weak? and How long have you been here? and Do you need a hospital? and Are you going to die? and Do you want to die?

Lelouch looks up again. His throat is working, swallowing around dryness. His forehead shines with a thin layer of sweat. He opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, like a fish, but manages to say,

"Suzaku... sometimes I'm just so incredibly sad. It drives me crazy. I feel like I'm slowly dying."

Then he gives a great sigh, his body jerks, and a weird, open-mouthed smile creeps onto his face.

"This is going to make it better. Wouldn't it be great if we could go back to that time?"

His voice becomes progressively quieter as he says this. Suzaku feels a of sickness of his own forming in his gut as he watches Lelouch. Lelouch's eyes slip closed in apparent pleasure, but the rest of his body is twitching nonstop in little ways.

"Lelouch," Suzaku coughs out. He wonders if it's worth saying anything at all. Lelouch's eyes slip back open as if they were weighted down; one opens before the other fully can, but slides down a little again, and it takes much longer than it should just for Lelouch to open his eyes. It's frightening. "Lelouch, you shouldn't have done this. It's- illegal."

Lelouch stares at him like he sort of understands. That's a big relief for Suzaku, because he isn't quite sure if he can deal with a Lelouch who is, for once in his damn life, happy. It's easier if Lelouch has some hold on reality. (Some hold on sadness.) But then Lelouch smiles again, and Suzaku isn't sure if it's because Lelouch is finding Suzaku amusing or if Lelouch is finding himself amusing.

"Congratulations on becoming a Knight, Suzaku," he says, infuriatingly vague and unrelated. "I just realized I never properly congratulated you. Sorry. You'll make a great Knight."

(Suzaku can't figure out where Lelouch is at this moment, so he can't think of what to say that would possibly be appropriate. Is Lelouch back a year in the past, Kallen beside him and Nina in a school uniform, gesturing to the blue, winged pin Suzaku has attached to his shirt? Or is he-)

"Shouldn't you be dancing with the others? You're the guest of honor, after all."

(On the rooftop at night, after a long, fun school festival, before Suzaku forces a certain call on him.)

Perhaps, if Suzaku could somehow muster himself up into not feeling like an alien on some far away planet, he could ask Lelouch, now that he is just high enough to be a bit looser-tongued, what he remembers thinking when he spoke to Nunally that night. But Lelouch is smiling at him, no longer aware at all that Suzaku might be angry or concerned for him. Somehow what should be right has flipped upside down, and while it should be Lelouch looking stupid right now, it is Suzaku who feels like an idiot that can't possibly ever understand.

(Because he remembers- unsure, now, if Lelouch does -but Suzaku remembers a younger Lelouch staring down Suzaku's fist. Or taking a beating over a plastic rewards card. Or calling for his little sister as he sobbed, tears and snot alike, so very undignified, and yet very admirable at the same time.

Where did that strength disappear to?)

Suzaku sits by Lelouch's side. Lelouch beams, throws an arm around his shoulder. (Because they are friends.) The sun rises slowly, but the morning is cold and overcast.

Lelouch doesn't come back for hours and hours. Suzaku remembers that he is sort of, kind of a crybaby, but holds it in for the most part as Lelouch paces, words spilling almost nonstop from his mouth, sweat patches forming under his armpits. Suzaku only cries at certain parts. Not when Lelouch is, apparently, riding a motorcycle down a highway with the wind blowing his bangs. Not when he's changing his voice for the cross-dressing festival. (Actually, that part is kind of absurd and Suzaku laughs a little, unwillingly.) But Suzaku maybe cries when Lelouch escorts Kallen to the hand-made dress party, sourly. (Because Kallen is gone from the student council. No longer their friend. Suzaku was unable to convince her. He should have reported her after Kamine Island.) Or when Lelouch says, "So you caught the cat" and kisses Suzaku right on the lips, never mind that Suzaku isn't letting him come any closer, both hands planted on Lelouch's shoulders. (Because Suzaku knows that didn't happen. That's not real. What else is Refrain showing Lelouch? Does Lelouch really not remember? Does his father's curse prevent even Refrain from digging up the fact that it was Nunally who kissed Suzaku? Or is Lelouch just that good, he can avoid revealing his knowledge of Nunally even under the influence of drugs? Or is he, possibly, simply creating his own happiness?)

Suzaku stays by Lelouch's side. He remembers that once, Lelouch was his friend, and once, Lelouch needed his help for things like finding his sister and rescuing little birds. Suzaku keeps him from straying too far. Catches him before he can step the wrong way in broken glass.

(They'd had a conversation about glass before.)

Leads him back to safety. Blinks away tears as Lelouch smiles, that motherfucking happy unresponsive smile, and puts his arms around Suzaku and holds him.

(About the different forms of happiness.)

Afterward, Lelouch isn't able to speak. That's alright. Suzaku can't think of an adequate question.

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Thank you for reading!