A/N - This came from finding out that Richard Ayoade directed the latest episode of Community. Then re-watching IT Crowd. Then the episode with the magician. Then this.

Also, this is my first fic for The It Crowd, so be nice.

Disclaimer: I'm not funny enough to own The IT Crowd, but I still try.

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Five Men Roy Ruined for Jen

Roy ruins all of her relationships.

Jen begins to notice the pattern when she mentions that she's going out with Rex tomorrow night. Roy seems surprised. She asks why and then the floodgates just burst open, and he starts to ruin everything all over again, like he always does.

"He's a dinosaur!"

"He's not a dinosaur!"

"Yes he is! He has a dinosaur nose!"

"There's no such thing a dinosaur nose, Roy!"

"He roars when he laughs! You tell him a joke and all you hear is rawr rawr rawr."

"He does not roar when he laughs."

"He has dinosaur teeth. He probably uses them to rip apart his Pterodactyl dinner every night."

"Actually, they're called Pterosaurs" Moss cuts in. They ignore him.

"Oh stop it."

"His name is Rex, Jen. He's a human Tyrannosaurus Rex!"

"He's not a dinosaur, Roy. Now leave it alone."

She dumps Rex the next day. Not because he's a dinosaur, (which he isn't). She's not that shallow. It's 'cos he made her pay for dinner. (And maybe a little of the roaring thing. It's annoying, okay? She's not shallow.)

She's really not shallow.

It's all Roy's fault.

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The next one he ruins is Leon. Leon's fantastic. He's a writer. Real smart; wrote lots of lovely poems about her. And the Roy came and bloody ruined it all over again.

"What is it then?" She asks, because he made a face when she mentioned Leon.

"Nothing, nothing. It's fine. Leon's fine. He's great, I love him."

"Roy."

"It's just...doesn't it annoy you?"

"Doesn't what annoy me?"

"You don't notice it?"

"Notice what?"

"Moss, you notice it, don't you.?"

"If you're talking about what I'm thinking about than yes, I do notice it."

"See, even Moss notices it. How can you not notice it?"

"Notice what?"

"Oh no, I can't tell you. You'll keep noticing it if I tell you."

"Just tell me, Roy!"

Roy pauses, considers it, then shrugs and just tells her. "It's all the metaphors, Jen."

"The metaphors?"

"Yeah, Moss, tell her. You noticed the metaphors."

Moss looks embarrassed. "Actually, I was thinking of another thing."

"There's another thing?" Jen exclaims, because really? Do they not see how much they're ruining Leon for her?

"No, no, Roy's right. It's just that first thing Roy said" Moss says. Jen doesn't believe him because he does shifty eyes afterward, but she ignores him. Better deal with the problem she knows about first.

"He doesn't use that many metaphors, does he?"

"It's not the quantity as much as it's the context" Roy tries.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well...Moss, how was the sandwich you had for lunch today?"

"Oh, it was brilliant, Roy. Thanks for asking."

"Okay, see, brilliant. But if I asked Leon he'd probably say it was like chewing onto the last remains of Earth's good food, before an apocalyptic war began his poverty and starvation."

"He would not say that."

"Actually, now that Roy mentions it, he did say shaking my hand was like having angels tickle his fingertips" Moss says. "I don't think he really knows what that feels like, Jen."

"Yeah, it's a weird metaphor, Jen" Roy continues. "They all are."

"What? They are not!"

They are. She dumps Leon when he says seeing her is like drinking from a fountain of momentary pleasure.

She blames Roy entirely.

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She's not completely angry at Roy for making her dump Eric. In hindsight, it's probably a good thing she dumped Eric. And this time, Roy really is just looking out for her.

"I'm heading out to meet Eric" Jen says, as she throws on her coat. Roy gives her a look of terror.

"No!" He shouts quickly, then realizes his mistake. "I mean...let's chat. We haven't had a chat in a while. Let's chat right now!"

"I can't. I have to meet Eric" Jen repeats.

"Yeah but, do you really want to meet Eric now?"

"Yes, I do."

"Yeah but, isn't it a good idea to play hard to get? Men love that."

"I already agreed to go out with him, Roy."

Roy fidgets in his chair, trying to think of another excuse while Jen heads towards the door. "He wants to eat your face!" He shouts, just as she walks out the door.

She shouldn't. She really shouldn't. She knows she'll regret this, but damn it, she's curious now. She walks back in. "What do you mean, he wants to eat my face?"

"The way he looks at you, Jen. That's the look of a murderer. I would know, I had dinner with a cannibal that one time."

"He's not a cannibal."

"No, he's a serial killer" Roy says, completely deadpan. He can't be serious.

"You can't be serious."

"Jen, I'm one hundred per cent positive that he's planning to murder you sometime in the near future."

"Don't be ridiculous, Roy" She says and walks out again.

"Fine, but don't come crying to me when he makes a cake out of your hair!" He calls out after her.

Over dinner Eric talks about a band called Smashing Heads that Jen doesn't think actually exist. And when she accidentally cuts herself he says she has beautiful blood. It takes two seconds for her to tell him not to call her and get in a taxi.

She's still annoyed at Roy, but when news comes in the papers that Eric murdered an old lady, she's also kind of thankful.

She doesn't tell him though. He'd gloat.

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Roy claims the fourth time isn't actually his fault. It is, but she's too confused, at the time, to tell him.

"I'm going out with Vincent tonight."

"Oh, you mean the guy that-"

"No!" She shouts at him, before he can finish his sentence. "You always do this! You always ruin men for me!"

Roy looks offended. "I do not."

"Yes you do. You tell me something awful about whatever guy I'm going out with, and then I can't unsee it! You always do it, Roy!"

"No, I don't. Moss, do I ruin guys for Jen?"

"Well, now that you've mentioned it..."

Roy clenches his jaw and glares at Moss. Jen gives Roy a smug look.

"You are not going to ruin Vincent for me, so you can just shut up" Jen says, and walks into her office before he can reply.

She hears him berate Moss for taking her side.

"Well you do do it" Moss reasons with him.

"Still, you're supposed to take my side."

"You know, Roy, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were jealous."

There's a silence.

"But to be fair, I have been watching a lot of EastEnders with my mum, lately. Everyone's jealous of everyone on that show."

More silence. Then a quiet, "shut up, Moss."

At dinner with Vincent, she keeps thinking about what she overheard Moss say to Roy. And Roy's non-reaction and lack of protest to the entire idea. And how Roy mentioned there was something wrong with Vincent.

She spends the whole evening completely distracted with thoughts of Roy. Which is ridiculous. The last person she should be thinking about on a date is Roy. And Roy's jealousy. And what Roy thinks of her. And...oh shut up, brain! It's just Roy.

But it's not. It's not just Roy.

Vincent dumps her because she didn't pay any attention to him throughout the night, and she thinks fair enough.

When she comes in the next morning she announces that she is no longer seeing Vincent.

"Oh, Jen, I'm sorry" Roy says. Is he really, though?

Jen shrugs. She's not.

"Did you dump him?"

Jen lies. "Yes. Yes, I did."

"Was is 'cos of the David Bowie thing?"

She doesn't know what he's talking about; probably whatever fault he'd thought of before.

"Yeah, it was the David Bowie thing."

"Well it was very annoying" Roy says. And then he smiles at her. And then Jen's really, really confused.

It's always Roy's fault.

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She needs to stop thinking about him, (Roy), and start thinking about some one else, (read: anyone else). Because it's Roy. She can't think about Roy. It's weird, and wrong in so many ways, and he's a big scruffy Irishman. And it's Roy. She really, really shouldn't be thinking about Roy.

"Are you going out with Harry again?" He asks her. They're alone because Moss is upstairs fixing some one's computer. And she doesn't know if she should talk about this because it's awkward, and it's Roy, and Moss isn't here to distract her from the fact that it's Roy.

"Yes" She eventually answers. (To stop thinking about you goes unsaid.)

"Really, though? Him?"

"What's wrong with him?" Jen asks, throwing herself down on the sofa. It's noncommittal. She doesn't really care what's wrong with Harry. She already knows what's wrong, (he's not Roy). Her brain really needed to just shut up for a minute and let her think.

"Well, come on, Jen. What's not wrong with him?" Roy scoffs. She sees right through it. He doesn't have a reason, or an excuse this time. Harry's nice. Harry doesn't have anything blatantly wrong with him. Jen actually picked a man who wasn't a complete weirdo for once. (But he's not Roy). And Roy doesn't have an excuse.

"I mean, he's a big...weirdo. He's just a big weirdy weirdo."

"No he's not." (And that's sort of the problem).

"Ah, but he is, Jen. You know he is. Everyone can see it, Jen."

It makes sense that she suddenly fancies Roy now; she does have abysmal taste in men. If anything, Roy's taught her that. He can be just another one of the weirdos she goes out with. Although, that would involve actually going out with Roy, which would be weird. Also, he's not just any other weirdo. He's her weirdo.

"He's not, Roy. You are."

"I'm not a weirdo!" He says. It's a compliment, but she's still not sure if she wants him to know that.

She shrugs and goes to her office.

Later, she goes out with Harry. He's a gentleman, and he's sweet, and funny, and handsome. But he doesn't have an Irish accent, or curly hair, or anything she wants him to have.

She tells Roy she dumped Harry because he is a weirdo.

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One morning, Roy's sitting in front of his computer, typing who cares what, and Jen decides to screw it; whatever it is she feels for him isn't going away anytime soon.

"I'm going to die alone, Roy."

"Hm?" He looks up at her.

"I'm going to die alone, and it's your fault."

"Jen, for the last time, it's not my fault you broke up with those weirdos. You broke up with them because they're weirdos" He reasons.

"No, it's because you keep telling me they're weirdos. And then, you keep just being you, and for some reason I actually like that."

Roy frowns. Moss looks up from his monitor and also frowns at her. Roy looks at her in confusion. "I don't understand what you're talking about."

"You ruin men for me, Roy, because you're Roy, and you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous!" He blurts out quickly. He glances at Moss, who nods in agreement with Jen.

"It's okay. I actually like that you're jealous" She tells him.

He looks confused again. As does Moss.

She smiles at him, reassuringly. "I like you, Roy" She says quietly enough for only him to hear, and walks back into her office.

"What did she say?" She hears Moss ask him. Roy doesn't answer. Instead there's a knock on her door.

"Come in!"

"Jen?" It's Roy. Of course it's Roy. She smiles a little to herself, but swallows it down and pretends to be doing something on her (switched off) computer. Roy doesn't seem to notice these details.

"Mhm?"

"Do you want to go out?"

"I can't, Roy. I'm working." Type, type, type.

"No, I mean later. Like, for dinner." He fidgets with his hands, nervously.

Jen looks up from the black monitor.

"With me" Roy continues.

"Are you asking me out, Roy?"

"I can't tell anymore" He says anxiously. "Hang on."

He leaves the room. Closes the door. Then walks back in seconds later, with a little more confidence. "Jen, would you like to go out on a date with me tonight?" He says quickly and loudly.

Jen doesn't answer straight away. She leaves him hanging because watching him squirm is a little fun. And also, he's ruined all her men since she started working there; he deserves to squirm.

"Roy, did you just ask Jen out?" Moss calls out from the other room.

Roy looks embarrassed. Jen figures that just about makes up for all the potentially good relationships she could have had.

"Alright" She says.

Roy doesn't seem to sure of what to do next. He stands in the doorway awkwardly. Then he smiles.

"Okay then. Great!" He says. And walks out again.

She hopes he doesn't ruin this guy for her. She really likes this one.

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