The Ice, Ice, Baby Incident: A Zig Zo Zig Parody

A/N: Sorry about the pun up there, non-British readers, it was just too good to resist, though I don't like Jedward. You know what? I'm not even going to explain it to you, unless a massive proportion of readers are non-British. Ha! And OMHG will be explained in Starved Games, if it's ever up ('cause the Zig Zo Zigs share a multiverse). No corny pun up for this... yet.

Artemis Fowl: An Asessment About A Psycho

Extract from Whaddya Mean The Psycho's A Teenager

By the age of one year, our testube dummy, Artemis Fowl, was showing signs of the greatest conmanship since Colonel Blood. Artemis had hacked into European chess champion's chess account, of course it was on-the-line, made several patents in the Mafia, notorious for not accepting patents easily, and lost the architectural compitition to design Dublin's new opera house, and then changed the name to Mr Bean in an act of vengeance. He had also written a computer program that diverted millions of dollars, not converting them into euros for some reason, from Swiss chocolate companies into hisown, forged a million Jackson Pollocks, not that it was hard, and cheated the Fairy People out of all their gold... and the LEPRecon out of their breakfast cereal.

Why? Why? Why? What drove Artemis to a life in the slammer, not that he's been caught? The answer lies with his possibly evil father, possibly of Ivan the Terrible's direct line (which would mean Artemis was as well).

Artemis Fowl Senior (who liked to be called Fartemis Owl) was the head of a crime (by the way kiddies, crime is illegal and bad for your health) empire that streched from one edge of Trafalger Square to... well the other, but he had images of him being a legimate buisnessman. He bought 250,000 cans of cola (Artemis wanted to be the record holder of the biggest/loudest burp) and set course to Murmansk, which is in... Russia or... Union of Socialist Soviets or the otherway round.

Unfortunately, the Russian cola company Mafiya did not want Fartemis Owl Cola stealing all their buisness so they sunk the OMHG Orion Is A Constellation Not A Star in the ironically named Bay of Cola. Fartemis Owl was declared dead, presumed missing (they never found his body, so yes he was missing).

Artemis Juniorwas the head of Ivan the Terrible's, now virtually extinct, crime empire. He embarked to steal the Fairy People's gold... and steal the LEPRecon's breakfast cereal in fifty two years (lucky, for him, it was accelerated).

The henchpeople were mainly killed when trying to find Fartemis Owl (personally, I feel he was better off left because that was a really bad pun). He refused to beleive he would never see his father's body, though by the time he was fourteen it was probably a skeleton.

Artemis was a loner and avoided other teenagers and was probably a bit phobic of them.

So even though his involvement in the Goblins Who Can't Keep Their Gob Shut was dangerous and terrifying it was for the best.

Probably.

At least he met new people. It's such a shame most of them wanted to kill him.

Report by: Doctor J. Argon, B. Psych, humour by Mulch Diggums, W. Crim, for LEP Academey Files.