Ask Simon Chapter 16: Back To School, an alvin and the chipmunks fanfic

Simon: Thank you all for tuning in to this month's edition of Ask Simon. Now, school's back in session for many of you, as it is for myself, and my sponsor as well, and mind you, I had to ride a plane here to the studio all the way from my university. My sponsor's been busy, getting involved in honors classes and trying to start a math and science club – exactly the kinds of things I would do if I had to go to community college – but she fully intends on keeping up with her commitments.

Jeanette: Um, Simon?

Simon: Yes, my sweet little supernova?

Jeanette: It's September already.

Simon: (expression of wide-eyed shock)

I-I…

Jeanette: CosmicKitten89's been receiving messages from fans that have been wanting us to update.

Simon: Well… (sighs) It appears that airing this show monthly is, for our sponsor, biting off more than she can chew. It seems that we can no longer air Ask Simon monthly, or even regularly, at least until summer comes again – although that's not to say that I won't do a special surprise episode every once in a while, so keep those questions coming, but please stick to one question from each of you until I can regularly air again.

Alvin: He's talking about you, Kaylie.

Simon: Now now, Alvin, we shall not be pointing any fingers. Also, since it's the school year, I would appreciate if some of you would get in-depth with your studies and send me some school-related questions. If you wish to get really in-depth, more so than I have time to do in the show, or if you need help with anything, then my sponsor will also be willing to help if you want to PM her.

Now, last time I failed to answer all of the questions, didn't I?

Alvin: Oh, and by the way, I am NOT canceling MY show anytime soon!

Simon: I am NOT cancelling my show, Alvin, I am merely putting it on hiatus.

Alvin: Well I am NOT going on hiatus, so keep those dirty requests coming!

Simon: Ahem, younger viewers, Alvin. And it seems that you forgot to update last month too.

Alvin: …

Brittany: Blame it on CosmicKitten89 for not sponsoring us!

Alvin: Yeah! She's got to get all busy with nerdy stuff… you and her are two of a kind!

Simon: And what's wrong with that? Anyway, it's time that I answer some of these questions, some of which have been waiting for two months:

Kaylie98 asks:

Hey Simon, i need advice: I wrote an extremely stupid HP story, and when i say stupid, i mean STUPID! It's such a random stupid story with no real plot! Seriously! It's called 'Totally Random Stupid Story with no real plot'. Should i post it? I don't want to ruin the reputation i have so far! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Simon: (laughs) Well, if it's stupid in a satirical way, then there is no reason to fear ruining your reputation.

Here's a question from – well, doesn't say, actually:

What do you think of the God of War video game series?

Personally, I think that the story definately has the feel of a classic Greek Myth. I'd also love to see the same team develop games based on ACTUAL Greek epics - The Odyssey, for instance.

Simon: Honestly, I've never heard of that game. I know, I've been living under a rock with my studies and all, but I believe that video games based on Greek epics would be a great way to teach ancient Greek culture and history.

Here's one from Megan Seville:

Hey whats going on Simon Its good to know that your show is going pretty Strong and if you ask me you should check out a new show thats also on the rise Katy and Jeanette's Typical world another question and answer show but anyway Got Questions for you that is if your Unfrozen ... yet and Questions for Jeanette .

ok First one to Jeanette . I have been reading alot of Alvin and Jeanette Stories like What now and While there away and Frankly I dont know if they are true or not but you can call me Megan or meg for short .

And a Question for Simon as well

What is the Number one thing that you Love about Jeanette and i dont think its her Glasses maybe its her Smarts or its her Clumsyness heck even i know it makes her look cute

Anyway Moving on Do you guys have a new Album coming out this year ?

I have one more Question for the Both of you Simon when are you going to Marry Jeanette one day? and dont tell me for the right time cause sooner or later someone else is going to sweep her off her feet and boom there goes your chance not to be mean or anything like that

Jeanette: Well, none of those Alvin and Jeanette stories are true. I don't like Alvin that way, no offense, Alvin.

Alvin: So you've got a taste for nerds. Why would I be offended?

Simon: Well, it probably is her smarts – or maybe her sweet kindness. I mean, even if she lost her smarts from a brain injury or dementia, I would love her anyway.

Jeanette: But suppose I went psycho and lost my kindness?

Simon: I… I would still love you. I love you for you.

Jeanette: Awww…

Simon: And I'm marrying her after I finish my first Ph. D.

Jeanette: I would NEVER fall for anyone other than Simon! There is nobody – NOBODY – in the world that's as intelligent or charming or who makes me melt like him…

Simon: (blushes) OK, here's one from CosmicKitten89's good friend RudySpino, looks like he forgot to log in:

What the heck was inside that Q...? o.O :P

Simon: I… I don't know, actually. I already discussed this on the first show.

Alvin: Watch the Parody Show episode Dunce Cap Trap on YouTube and see how he reacts to the Q. Priceless!

Simon: Here's The Chipette Protector:

I'm sorry to hear about CosmicKitten's father, I hope he gets better.

So Simon, how did u get free? Because u can't melt... We know.

And how did it feel to be a vampire?

Jeanette, what did it feel like to have Joelle in ur mind controlling u? What did u feel when u were frozen? How did u feel when u unfroze and Simon froze when he kissed u?

Alvin, do u remember being under the hypnotic control of being in love w/ Charlene?

Britt, what did it feel like when u were being turned into a statue?

Also, did u guys change Theo and Ellie back and how?

Glad to see ur all back!

Simon: W-well, Jeanette told me about how she created a heat-absorbing crystal, soaked it in the sun for a carefully measured amount of time, and then threw it at me to revive me.

And being a vampire made me feel… powerful. And even sharper-minded than usual. And also empty inside, but I didn't mind it. Though looking back, the thought horrifies me now…

Jeanette: Well, being mind-controlled felt kind of like having a seizure – I'm not epileptic or anything, but I tried this one medicine one time to treat my ADD and I had an allergic reaction that resulted in a seizure. Basically, your body's not doing what you want it to do and your mind is screaming in protest. But eventually your mind sort of disappears, like you're asleep, and it feels like you're doing those things in your dreams, because sometimes you do uncontrollable things in your dreams.

And being frozen felt like… nothing. Like being asleep, without any dreams.

Alvin: The love spell made me feel like my hormones were even more out of control than normal! Except instead of going crazy over just any sexy woman, I only went crazy over Charlene. My brain was so warped by them that I completely overlooked Brittany's existence!

Brittany: Well, being turned into a statue made me feel like I was becoming paralyzed, and then I felt like I was in a coma.

Theodore: And yes, we were changed back.

Eleanor: Simon did some kind of DNA surgery on us.

Simon: Here's one from ScorpiusMalfoyIsMine – Didn't you use to be FredWeasleyIsMINEEE?

Heyyy! Since I might have not sent my review in,(my computer was messing up the week I supposed I did)I apoligize. My question?why do Alvin and Simon fight ? because in my eyes,Alvin is this rockstar with beautiful eyes,but Simon is a sweet warmhearted genuis. I have a feeling you might be jealous ogf each other sometimes,but I just wanted to say you both are very nice men..well err munks? And shoutout to Al:I think your totally hot and would date you anyday.(:

Love,

Kaylee(:

Simon: Thank you.

Alvin: Ha, she thinks I'M the hot one! Of course.

Simon: Uh oh, it's The Darkmunks and Darkettes again:

Melvin: MUHAHAHHAHAHAHA! You didn't even touch us! We set you up, But our master may want to work with you, because we may be after the same thing. Also, if you knew our powers, you would know that we are already immortal, and the reason why 'we' died was because we had corrupted a group of alternates and gave them very small bits of our power.

Seymour: Yes, our masters will want to speak with you. But our plans are more than just one pathetic universe, we want the entire Multiverse!

Melvin: Don't give away our plan Seymour!

Seymour: I didn't give any details.

Joelle: Melvin don't even start!

Melvin: Don't try me girl! I'll melt you!

Joelle: Ha! I'll freeze you before that!

Seymour: Please don't fight!

Charlene: Ya, we don't need to cause division amongst ourselves.

Whitney: Also, thanks. You helped us give Charlene the best of the Dark Elements: Darkness itself!

Charlene: Yep. Soon I will have that power, all thanks to you. I am a Darkette and always will be, and no one can change that!

Whitney: And we never leave her behind! Another reason why they were fakes. Anyway, We also will enjoy messing with you some more Simon. Enjoy, because we will be back!

Seymour: And we will have revenge! I will get my revenge on you Simon!

Joelle: You too Jeanette!

Jeanette: I'm not scared of them.

Simon: Me neither.

Alvin: Man, you two nerds attract the weirdest weirdos to your show! Don't you ever get tired of all this role-play?

Simon: It's not role-play, but yes, I do get tired of attracting villains and stuff to my show. Oh well, if they come back I'll be ready for them…

Here's one from Joel Seville:

So simon your not theonly one that is looking forward to seeing chipwrecked so are we and we are starring in th retelling of it but still though i wonder if its better than the Sqeakquel we just have to wonder

Simon: I hope so, they didn't give my darling Jeanette nearly enough screen time or personality development!

Here's one from Sheryl Seville:

i have good news our transdimensional transporter is linked to your world and is operational and no interference from anyone causing a disruption in the antimatter buffer or transporter buff or pattern buffer so transport when ever you can

Here's one from Katy Seville:

Hey Simon Katy here i just wanted to say what are your thoughts on JB Lady gaga solena Gomez and Katy Perry? and are you and Jeanette gonna have Kids sometime ? lets pray that they dont take after alvin or brittany but they take after you and jeanette

Simon: Well, I think they are all very talented vocally, although Gaga is the only one who is trained in and demonstrates talent in terms of songwriting. I find Katy Perry's tunes to be catchy, and she sometimes surprises me with stuff like E.T., although I don't think she's a very good role model, considering that she sometimes sings about doing irresponsible stuff such as having sex and partying. Selena Gomez sings some very pretty songs, and so far she has proven to be a good role model – I hope she remains that way. Lady Gaga's songs are quite interesting, to say the least, and the music videos are even more interesting… but I have mixed feelings about her as a role model – on one hand, she's very level-headed in her interviews, despite her bizarre costumes and on-stage behavior, and she inspires people to be creative and different and to not be afraid to stand out. On the other hand, some of her songs – not all of them, but some – have rather adult messages in them, and are perhaps not the best thing for children to be listening to – plus there are concerns that she is haunted by demons and being controlled by the Illuminati. Justin Bieber is quite wholesome so far, but I'm sorry to say that his music simply doesn't interest me, the melodies in his songs are simplistic, even by pop's standards, and that's only for those few songs of his that are melodic – a lot of his songs have no melody to speak of and my ears find them to be quite dissonant to listen to. Also, a lot of the songs that he sings just don't suit his little boy voice – it sounds like he's trying to do rap, and that just doesn't suit him. I wish he would sing something catchier like what the boy bands of the late 90's and early 2000's used to sing.

Alvin: Justin Bieber SUCKS!

Simon: Alvin, please! He's got fans watching! Go bash JB on your own show!

Alvin: you're one to talk!

Simon: I am not bashing him, I am merely presenting my opinion and supporting it, and explaining why, I am not merely trolling him out of thin air like you!

As for Jeanette and I, we will consider having children perhaps when we are in our late 20s and or early 30s.

Jeanette: We might not even want children, depends on how involved with our life's work we will be.

Megan Seville:

begining TransDemsional Transmission)

Hi simon i just wanted to say wow your world is awesome but the darkmunks wanting the Multiverse not a chance we can stop them with our transdemsional force field and we have just started up our transdemsional transporter and the linkup phase and so far it works and well lets just say that if this linkup works then we can Transport our Music equipment and even ourselves to your world hold on checking -walks away- ok good news its complete and we are sending a test subject through

Simon: Oh, hello, chipmunkfanantic!

(begining transdemintional Transmission)

Hey Simon I hope you can hear me through the Dimentions cause our Simon Jeanette and Jill are working on Linking up to our Transdemintional Transporter to your world as well so far we have a few failed attempts but i hop we can get it this time but anyway if this works then we might be able to visit your world but all we can do is just view it from the Transdimentional Viewer although it can focus not just on one world but on many univeres and even dimention's and not only that we are also working on transporting our music equipment to your world so far failed attempts but i think we can nail this and if not well its back to the drawing board for us but anyway if and i mean if this Transdimentional Transporter works in linking up I think we might be able to link up ours with some of the others that are scattered through out the other universes and Dimentional and yes even the shattered world but the good news is that our building of it was quite a pain but it was workth in the and thats what counts rigtht ? and so far the Darkmunks and darkettes havent even bothered you

guys and we are linking to other worlds universes and Dimentions as soon as we link up with you guys i think we may have a chance to see what your world is like and another thing as well we also have something to tell you goo luck cause our force field not only keeps them out it uses there own DNA against them and our Artifical black hole sends them 1 million miles away from there current destination thus they cant even touch you only ones with Non dark matter can pass through as if it didnt exsist but only does it exsist is when t

Jill seville Asstiant in the building of the transdimensional Transporter

Simon: Well, that should be good protection from them. Excellent work.

Now here's one from The Knight of Renaissance Light:

Alvin: Another role-playing weirdo…

Simon: ALVIN! If you want to be rude, do it on your own show!

This concerns your time machine. I remember when you said that the machine showed you guys the future. However, I had took the liberty of at least copying the time machine blueprints for study. Know that I didn't want to sell the idea, only re-examine it from a more professional POV. Construction of these plans, headed by our own Professor Paradox, showed us a shocking revelation: you did NOT invent a time machine, but instead invented a machine that could see cross-time, or to be more specific, alternate universes or universes with your world in a different timeline. Showing two different futures was entirely impossible when we first pondered the idea of it; this would definite break all known chronal laws of space-time, according to Paradox. But if you add the possibility that those futures came from differing alternate universes, then that would ensure how you saw those futures WITHOUT breaking the laws of space-time. I can't seem to explain this enough, but Paradox surely could. Anyway, the point being, you accidentally invented, if I may dub the actual identity of your machine, a "cross-time" machine. Just wanted to point that out.

Simon: Well, that would describe the so-called "time machine" that was showcased in the episode Big Dreams. It was the prototype to another time machine that I had built in the episode "Bye George!", that could actually travel through time. CosmicKitten89 was only able to find the episode in German, titled "Der Zeitreisende", but she did make a parody show episode of it, titled "Heil George!" if you're interested in examining it.

Alvin: You didn't really invent anything, most of the episode took place in my dream!

Simon: You do see it before your dream sequence begins.

Alvin: But you only see it working during my dream sequence, I'll bet it doesn't work in real life!

Simon: If that's so, then how did George Washington wind up being credited with the invention of earmuffs, which on the original timeline weren't invented until the year 1873 by a Chester Greenwood?

Alvin: Prove it!

Simon: I can't. This timeline was altered, so all the books have been changed… I can show you an alternate timeline in which that's true if you like.

Alvin: No thank you.

Simon: Fine then. This one's from Eddie Seville:

So simon i was thinking if you were Dating Brittany what would you say to her? and Jeanette what would say to Alvin if you were Dating him? and theodore how would you feel about Eleanor if she won a contest you know for some Bakesale? thought i would put that out there

Simon: I don't know what I would say to Brittany, she's really not my type…

Jeanette: Ditto for Alvin and I.

Theodore: Well, I would be proud of her!

Simon: Here's one from MunkGuy213:

Hey Si it's been a while anyways I watch the latest trailer for Chip-wrecked and I've noticed the Chipettes change their outfits again! For the third movie you guys still haven't puttin on any pants! Why would you do that in public dude? Even when the everyone and especially the Chipettes can see your junk!

Put on some pants, for the longest time!

Simon: Well, Dave never made the movie chipmunks any pants… when you're a small furry animal, you can typically get away with pantlessness. It's socially acceptable for them. Why aren't you concerned about the Chipettes, they wear skirts so short you can see that they're not wearing underwear!

Here's one from Awesomo3000:

Hi, Simon, Awesomo3000 here! Please answer my questions first, cos I have loads of 'em!

Simon:

How did you turn back from a statue?

What was it like being a statue?

What is your favourite candy?

What would you rate Alvin's show out of 10 and why?

Why is it that you guys are chipmunks, which are supposed to be really small, but you're human-sized? WTH's up with that?

Jeanette:

OK, I think I understand. Energy = Mass x Speed of light squared, right?

What is your greatest fear?

What is your opinion on your new outfit in the Chip-Wrecked trailer?

If you could swap personalities with one of your sisters, who would it be and why?

Who's your favourite character in the Toy Story films?

Theo:

Have you ever slimmed down before?

How long can you go without eating any junk food?

Which one of the Harry Potter films is your favourite?

How do you feel when your brothers fight in front of you?

Ellie:

Have you ever gone on a diet before?

Has Brittany ever pulled a prank on you?

What is your opinion on Justin Bieber?

Brittany (if she's there):

What is your opinion on your new look in Chip-Wrecked?

Have you and Alvin thought about having a Q&A show that isn't pornographic?

What is your opinion on Justin Bieber?

If you could imagine Charlene in Chip-Wrecked, what would she look like? Y'know, what would she be wearing?

Please answer my questions (first)! Thanks, Awesomo3000 out!

Simon: Well I was frozen, and it felt like the way Jeanette described it. As for candy, I am a bit of a chocolate connoisseur. I enjoy European chocolates, dark, milk and white, although dark's probably the healthiest…

Theodore: Mmm, chocolate… I love Milka bars!

Simon: Me too. And Cadbury… Did I mention that CosmicKitten89 just got a care package of English candies from her friends in England?

Theodore: Awwh, I want a care package!

Simon: I'll send you one sometime.

Hmm, as for Alvin's show, I would give it a 3 out of 10. It is humorous, to be sure, but far too raunchy and dirty for my tastes.

And as for us, well, we are a mutated race of chipmunk that is not exactly human sized, but certainly larger than chipmunk-sized… I really don't know the origins of our race…

Jeanette: That's right, energy is mass multiplied by the square of the speed of light.

My greatest fear is… I should say losing Simon, but somehow I doubt that I will ever lose him… failure, I guess.

Simon: So your doubt yourself more than you doubt me?

Jeanette: I have reason to, you've always gotten straight A's, I have sometimes gotten B's!

(cries into Simon's arms)

Simon: It's all right, Jeanette, I only got an A minus for the first half of the semester of my first Calculus class.

Jeanette: I get A minuses all the time!

Simon: It's OK, I understand that sometimes you have trouble paying attention, your mind wanders off, and you forget to get your assignments done on time…

Jeanette: I KNOW! (sobs)

Simon: CosmicKitten89 has the same problem. She has never gotten straight A's in her life! You have gotten straight A's before, right?

Jeanette: Right…

Simon: That's better. (hugs Jeanette) There are more important things than getting straight A's. Like standing out with your own originality, for instance. What do you think will impress the Ivy League more, another student with straight A's on their report card and nothing else to speak of, which they reject thousands of every year, or a student who wrote an award-winning novel, or invented, say, a time machine, or something of that nature?

Alvin: You're one to talk, Mr. Straight A's!

Simon: I get straight A's because I'm on Adderall! But Jeanette personally doesn't wish to go on prescription drugs…

Jeanette: Well, if I could swap personalities with one of my sisters, it wouldn't be Brittany, because she's too, erm, well, it's not appropriate to say on this show… I would say Eleanor, because she's practical, not as timid as I am, and still warmhearted and selfless, and not so vain like Brittany. With my intelligence and her pragmatic ability, I might be able to get better grades!

I like my new outfit in Chip-Wrecked, but it looks too similar to Eleanor's new outfit, and I'm upset that Brittany stole my denim jacket look from the Squeakquel!

My favorite character from the Toy Story films is… Rex, maybe, he's funny and sweet and a bit of a worrywart in an adorable way.

Theodore: I have slimmed down a little bit before, but I have never even been as slim as Alvin is at his chunkiest. I can't go for longer than a day without eating junk food – I can't even go for longer than a few hours! I try to fill myself up with healthy food to make myself too full to eat junk, but even when I'm too full for more healthy food, I still have room for junk food.

My favorite Harry Potter film is the first one, because the characters are all cute and young, plus I love watching all that yummy Halloween food in the Great Hall! Hermione must be crazy to miss out on it to go cry in the bathroom!

And I don't like it when my brothers fight, sometimes they get violent and I'm afraid they'll hurt me on accident, or even hurt each other really bad!

Eleanor: Yes, I have gone on diets before, but none of them really work… I get thinner for a while but then I get hungry and gain the weight back…

And yes, Brittany has pulled PLENTY of pranks on me…

And I'm afraid I'll have to agree with Simon about Justin Bieber…

Brittany: Well I don't like how they made me look like nerdy Jeanette! Oh well, the denim does look better on me, and it does bring out my eyes…

And I actually like having a pornographic show! I don't want our show to be boring like Simon's!

Simon: Watch the episode "Ask Alvin", if you can find it, and you'll see how having a non-pornographic Q & A show has worked out for Alvin. CosmicKitten89 has only been able to find it in Spanish, however, and despite having been inducted into the Spanish National Honor Society, she is still not good at Spanish listening comprehension, which they don't stress very well in American schools – the only Spanish many of our Spanish students get to hear is from teachers who aren't native speakers, the occasional audio tape of native speakers, and their classmates, many of whom fail to pronounce the sounds right. "Llamo", for instance, is pronounced with an English "Y" sound, not an English "L" sound, but many native English speakers have difficulty remembering that in practice.

Brittany: Ahem, my questions, Mr. Tangent.

And I think JB is CUTE! And he is growing up, for all of you who still think he sounds like a little girl!

And I think Charlene in Chip-Wrecked would be wearing a sexy red bathing suit, like, the entire time, because that's the kind of hussie she is!

Simon: You don't know that!

Anyway, here's one from Jaqueline Springs:

In each's opinion, which "Dave" (Ross Bagdasarian Sr., Ross Bagdasarian Jr. and Jason Lee) yells the infamous famous running gag "AAAAAAL-VIIIIIIN" first name ultimatum better from least to best? Why?

Throughout the 80s/90s cartoon series, the Dave voiced by Ross Bagdasarian goes through at least seven or eight face changes (first face was in A Chipmunk Christmas, the second face change is in the early episodes created by Ruby-Spears Enterprises and then in later episodes done by Ruby-Spears Enterprises he goes through a third face change, the fourth different face is in The Chipmunk Adventure, the fifth in the episodes done by DIC Entertainment, the sixth in Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein and the seventh in Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman). Which face is much more preferable? You can view such examples under http : / / www . jackedupmedia . com / search _ result . php ? tid = 2180 & title = Bagdasarian. Don't forget to remove the spaces.

Simon: Well, we have all discussed this, and we all agree that Ross Bagdasarian Jr. does it the best, followed by Ross Bagdasarian Sr. and Jason Lee, respectively.

And I personally find the DiC Entertainment face to be the most preferable.

Oh, and here's another one from her:

Simon, blue or black glasses?

Jeanette, pink, black or purple glasses?

Simon: Tough choice, I prefer blue glasses, but black frames tend to be cheaper and easier to find, and I also like blackish-blue frames… what do you like best, Jeanette:

Jeanette: I don't know, they all look sexy on you. I personally prefer purple glasses just because it's my favorite color. Did you know that our sponsor painted her glasses frames purple with nail polish?

Simon: Jaqueline Springs has yet another question:

Aah, keep forgetting something . . .

Eleanor, how come in some posters, your CGI self looks like a rabid chipmunk wearing clothes gone psycho?

Eleanor: Hmm? I haven't noticed that. Don't ask me, ask the CGI animators.

Alvin: Maaan, look at all these reviews arguing over Sammy and stuff… your show is like a freak magnet, dude!

Simon: Says the munk whose fans ask him to do perverted things in the nude. Here's another one from the Knight of Renaissance Light:

Oh, I almost forgot. This is for Simon and Jeanette. Have either of you seen the Broadway musical, "A Tale of Two Cities" by Jill Santoriello? I based one of my fanficks off of that; to be specific, the execution scene of it. If you would like to know the title, it's called "If I Never Knew You". Anyway, just wanted to know if you had seen it.

Simon: No, I haven't seen it. I've read the book, though.

Jeanette: I've seen it!

Simon: Anyway, welcome to the show, Cuddly Hawk!

Hi CosmicKitten89! It's CuddlyHawk, from YouTube! Anyway, you said I could post a question or song request here, so I'll do both!

Let's see...

Question:

Simon, If you had to choose between your brothers which you like better, and the one you don't pick will die, which one will you pick, and why? (BTW, you can't say that you like them both; you HAVE to pick ONE!)

Song Request (By the way, where can I hear it?):

Can you sing "Secrets" by One Republic? That's my fave song!

Thanks for your time!

Simon: Well, I'm going to get flames from the Friends of Rachel for this… let's see, from a eugenicist point of view, Alvin would be the better choice just because he's smarter and fitter to survive than Theodore… but my heart is telling me that Theo is the better choice because he is kinder, which to me goes a lot farther than having 'fit' genetics…

Alvin and Theodore: PICK ME!

Simon: Relax, it's not like one of you is really going to die! OK, I pick… Theodore.

Alvin: Aw, man… THANKS A LOT!

Simon: Hey, I was put on the spot!

And I'm sorry, Cuddly Hawk, I don't do song requests, only Alvin does that. And I believe you can find "Secrets" on YouTube.

Here's one from (gasps) Jillian again…

SIMON YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION! I THOUGHT YOU WUVVED ME!

Simon: No, I don't.

Here's one last one from the Knight of Renaissance Light:

Wait, one last thing. What's your opinion about the RLSH (Real-Life Superhero) movement? For information, here's a site on all the RLSH's so far:

http : / / www . worldsuperheroregistry . com / world _ superhero _ registry _ gallery . htm

Simon: Hmm, interesting… the world needs more people that are willing to stand up for what's right and save the world on their own. Especially since the law sometimes gets in the way of times of distress; police are only legally allowed to do so much, but sometimes the citizens need protection from the law. CosmicKitten89, for instance, could have used a superhero to take her away from the terrible home that she was legally placed in. Only problem was, the law would not help her father to support her. So I believe that the next new kind of superhero we need is one that can manipulate the law and pull strings and the like.

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to register these superheroes, though, because it can make them easier for the real-life supervillains to find out about. Yes, there are real-life supervillains too, basically the Illuminati and billionaires that cheat people out of their money to become rich, and many of the people running the government, but they do not register themselves.

Now on a final note, the Knight of Renaissance Light has also sent me some documents of important information that you fans might need to know about:

(Beginning transmission)

A golden-armored figure, the Knight of Renaissance Light, was sitting in a dark room. It was a cubicle at best, lit only by one electric light which the Knight stood under. Also in this room was a large black sphere half. The Knight was looking directly at the point of view.

KNIGHT: I saw your latest update from July, and I will give you the information that you may need. However, I need to inform you guys of one major detail: this battle is between me and Lord Odotherex. None of you are to interfere. Many lives in the past were ruined, killed, or destroyed because both of us had to bring our never-ending conflict to them, and I don't want the same thing to happen to your lives. So don't get involved! Now then, if the event that it is Lord Odotherex who bring the fight, or any of his Homunculi, I prepared this briefing to brief you on the knowledge you need to defend yourselves, thanks to the information gathered and/or given to us by veterans of the Amestrian Civil War, including the Elric Brothers, Colonel Mustang, Generals Alex Louis and Olivier Armstrong, the Ishvalan "Scar", and Emperor Ling Yao.

He pressed on a remote which activated the black sphere in the room. From said sphere came a large beam of holographic light. And from this beam of light came the image of a very beautiful woman. This was the Homunculus known as Lust.

KNIGHT: First off, you should know that the Homunculi are a group of immortals created by alchemic proportions, and see themselves as higher being than mortals. Their common traits are immortality, the ability to regenerate themselves, and that each of them has a Philosopher's Stone for a heart. So basically, destroy the Stone and you destroy the Homunculus. They were thought to be long-gone since the Amestrian Civil War, but now it seems they're back and bent on vengeance. And as Odotherex stated on the tape, there were originally seven Homunculi. The woman you see is probably the most enticing of them all: the Ultimate Spear, Lust the Lascivious.

KNIGHT: Her main weapons are her extendable blade fingers and her libidinous beauty. But she is not the Lascivious in behavior; she views herself as an object of lust for gullible humans. She has a great disdain for mortals, thinking them frail, predictable and generally stupid. She is considered highly intelligent, and appears to take pleasure in using mortals and throwing them away like broken toys. She also plays the role of manipulator to lure weak-minded mortals into Odotherex's clutches to be used and disposed of when no longer needed. So if you see Alvin, tell him to avoid interacting with THIS woman. Now then…

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to an obese man, Gluttony the Voracious.

KNIGHT: Gluttony is considered a paradoxical Homunculus. He acts as a target locator and evidence eraser. Though he doesn't hate humans or thinks of them as lower creatures, he is still a threat due to his…insatiable appetite for them. And apparently, he fancies women the best because they're (gulps) soft and tasty to him. His main weapons are those huge jaws of his, along with his tongue which produces acidic saliva. Also, he is also what we might call a failed Gate of Truth, a structure that is supposed to hold the Truth of alchemy. Meaning, if he activates this portal, he could send you to a dimension that is nowhere near Reality or Truth. This is what earned him the title the "Ultimate Gate". But because his mind is like a child, he'll always asks for permission to eat people, including the people he is about to eat. He is also apparently kindly and perhaps the ONLY Homunculus who feels any positive feeling for his brethren, whereas the other Homunculi don't give half a mind to each other. So he may be the easiest to overcome.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a tall, well-built and muscular man, Greed the Avaricious.

KNIGHT: Greed is one Homunculus that always sees everything with a price of its own, including who he works with. As his title suggests, he is an avaricious character who likes living in luxury, surrounded by powerful minions and beautiful women. And like Gluttony, he has no sociopathic feelings towards mortals; he cares only for his well-being and has a desire to own everything. His weapon is his skin; to be specific, the carbon atoms in his skin. He can voluntarily alter the carbon atoms in the outer layer of his body to create a shield of varying durability, from charcoal, the weakest form of carbon, to graphene, the strongest form of carbon. This is why many call Greed the "Ultimate Shield". However, from the first two times Greed worked with the Homunculi, once as his own Homunculus and the second time as a corporal Homunculus, he abandoned them. So I strongly hope that third time's the charm for Greed.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a gigantic humanoid above three meters tall, with long black hair, a massive, muscular frame and sharp teeth, with a red line that covers his right arm and the right side of his face, eye included, and he sports the Homunculus mark on his right shoulder-blade.

KNIGHT: This is Sloth the Indolent, the Ultimate Force. Though he is considered the most insidious of Homunculi, he is actually the footworker that created the giant transmutation circle that nearly turned the entire country of Amestris into a human-sized Philosopher's Stone. As his name suggests, he is extremely lazy despite his immense size and muscular build. He is also very slow in intelligence, but he does his work as long as he can rest afterwards. Now I know what you're thinking: "Sloth's lazy, huh? That means he's not a fighter, right?" Wrong! Despite his lazy behavior, if told to do so, he can squeeze all six of you like a grape. Not to mention, he is also considered the fastest Homunculus. Literally, for he can run at exceeding speeds. But he has a slow regeneration rate, so he has a slow healing procedure.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a tall man in a blue uniform, Wrath the Furious.

KNIGHT: Wrath is a perhaps a rare form of Homunculus, the first corporal Homunculus ever made. His powers are his superhuman strength, speed, and agility, as well as an expertise in both swordsmanship and martial-arts. His weapons are the five swords that he carries with him at all times. You may also notice that his left eye is unusual. Well, this eye is what earned him the name "Ultimate Eye". His left eye can see everything beyond its sight range. He is known as one of the calmer Homunculi, despite his wrathful nature. He also appears to be more lenient towards mortals than the other Homunculi (likely due to having lived among them for a long time). But he has some annoyance to mortals, sometimes referring to their constant meddling as bothersome and he believes that fealty is a sign of weakness, that the strong should survive, and that the loss of one life can only be balanced by the loss. So when fighting him, he will show no mercy to you when he kills you.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a slender man with pale skin, Envy the Jealous or "the Ultimate Form".

KNIGHT: Envy is perhaps one of the cruelest and most sadistic Homunculi in the group. He will joke around and take pleasure from mortal pains. He tends to play with the emotions of mortals before killing them. Envy usually does not regret any of his past actions and always looks forward to seeing others fight. He will even create pointless conflict solely for his own enjoyment. That is basically how the Ishvalan Extermination War began, when Envy disguised himself as an Amestrian officer and shot an Ishvalan child. He has the most open disdain of humans and relishes in any opportunity to hurt, humiliate, or insult them. But deep down, he secretly envies our inner strength and the mutually beneficial friendships that we share.

KNIGHT: His weapon is shapeshifting. The form you saw in the tape was not Envy's true form, but his human form. Because he shape-shifts, he can transform any part, some parts, or all parts of his body into anything he wants. Not to mention, he could shape-shift himself to look, sound, and even act like you guys. But there is a way around this: try to expose Envy by either pointing out a trait that the real person that he's trying to copy, doesn't have. But like I said, this is only one form he has.

The human form suddenly turned into a gigantic, green reptilian monster with eight limbs and human-like features like his teeth and his nose. He retained the long black hair and the red triangle on the forehead of his human form; he had two pairs of human arms in the front part of his body and two human legs crouched like that of a lizard on the back part, a spiked back, a long tail and an extensible tongue. His upper body is covered with bald, tormented faces (and some upper body parts).

KNIGHT: This is considered Envy's true form, a creature that we dub as the physical manifestation of "the Green-Eyed Monster". With this form, Envy can use his strength to its maximum and becomes even more dangerous, being able to crush rock under his limbs, tail or jaws. He is also able to manipulate the human remains that cover his body and make them appear and disappear, and to elongate his tongue to use it like a harpoon or a binding rope. But the last form that Envy is known for, is his weakest form.

The monster form of Envy suddenly shrunk and converted into a tiny version of this form, only without human features and having animal sharp teeth and big eyes.

KNIGHT: This is Envy's ORIGINAL form, in the event that Envy is deprived of his power. However, he has a trick for this form: he has the ability to fuse his limbs with organic matter and flesh, enabling him to take control of the body he infests. So whatever you don't, don't underestimate Envy, no matter what form he is in.

The image then changed into an innocent young boy surrounded by moving shadows.

KNIGHT: Pride is considered the most powerful of the seven Homunculi. As you can see, it's obvious why they call Pride the Arrogant the "Ultimate Shadow". His shadows are basically an amalgamation of the other Homunculi's powers. It has Lust's ability to pierce or cut through anything, Gluttony's ability to consume anything and make them a part of Pride's body, Greed's invulnerability to harm, Sloth's strength over physical objects, Wrath's expanded sight range, and Envy's shapeshifting and body-possessing powers. However, Pride may be powerful yet he has a weakness all on his own. He can only fight if there is a balance of light AND darkness in a confined area. If there's too much light or too much darkness, he can't use his shadows to fight for him. He considers himself the most powerful Homunculus, because pride was to be considered the most deadly sin to commit.

He pressed the remote to shut off the projector. He then turned to the camera's lens.

KNIGHT: So there. This is ALL the information we could muster…for now. But like I said, let the professionals handle this fight. Oh, and one last thing, I had the feeling that Odotherex would try to get towards your father, David Seville, or even your mother, Vinny. So I arranged for covert agents to both their locations, where they are to watch over your mother and father until we can better understand what forces we're dealing with. As for the Darkmunks and Darkettes, I've arranged for an intel agent to snoop around for details about them. From Colorado, he is a child of eight who also happens to be the sneakiest, most ruthless, and most foreboding mastermind I ever met. This makes him perfect for the job. He will be going undercover as one of their servants, gathering information about the enemy. His price was $10,000 in salary, and he also asks that if you doubt him in any way, he said (mimics his voice) "Tell those f****** chipmunks to respect his authoritah!". He's asked me to also not divulge his name, in the event those Darkmunks and Darkettes intercept this message and try to win him over. Okay, so that is all. And remember: leave this holy war to the professionals!

Simon: Good, because I don't have time to engage in a holy war, and CosmicKitten89 does not have time to sponsor one.

(Beginning transmission)

KNIGHT: I'm afraid we received more information about who else is with the Homuculi. Apparently, Odotherex had the gall to create four more corporal Homunculi, naming them after four other sins of humanity.

He pressed on a remote which activated the black sphere in the room. From said sphere came a large beam of holographic light. And from this beam of light came the image of a man with dark hair, glasses, wearing a white priest's robe that parted a bit at the chest over it, where parts of the Homunculus symbol could be seen on his chest. Surrounding him were waves of flames.

KNIGHT: From what we have learned, Lord Odotherex has gained the alliance of Father, leader of the evil adult villains from the KND universe. Father thought that he could give him power, and he was given just that, by becoming a Homunculus himself. Odotherex dubbed him as Heresy the Sacrilegious, named for the sin that manipulates the beliefs of mortals to cause dissension and division among them. The reason for choosing this name, we believe that Odotherex chose him to act a mass publicist for the faithful, toying with the emotions and beliefs of his followers to create a cult of hive-minded soldiers for Odotherex to command. However, from his army, we can hypothesize that Odotherex also made him a High General. For what? Well, for these.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a horde of white and red, skeletally thin, hairless humanoids with one eye in their foreheads.

KNIGHT: These horrid beings are what we called Lesser Homunculi, or Mannequin Soldiers more commonly. These creatures are injected with Philosopher's Stones, which give them life. They lack intelligence and appear only to follow base instincts toward feeding and destruction. Their main attack will be to try to eat their victim, since they lack the thought processes to do anything else. They do not regenerate as the Greater Homunculi, like Envy, Lust, or Greed do, but are able to keep functioning even if their heads are grievously damaged, making them similar to zombies in a way. However, like the Homunculi, they can easily be dealt with by incinerating them, like you would with a regular Homunculus.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector returning to Heresy.

KNIGHT: As you may not know, Father's powers were mainly related to control over fire. After being fused with the Philosopher's Stone, Father's fire power increased to the point where he can produce blue fire at will, as well as lightning. Also, because he fused himself with a Philosopher's Stone, he can also perform powerful Alchemy that bypasses the Alchemical Law of Equivalent Exchange. However, unlike the Homunculi, he doesn't hate all mortals; he just hates kids. No question there. Though mature in the mind, his spirit is more childlike but with a dark twist. He is also very temperamental in emotions. Though violent mostly, he seems to have an equally shown side full of humor, ill temperament, impatience, and sarcasm; though I myself never expected to see these traits.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a large, human-sized grizzly bear standing on two legs. Unlike other bears, this one wore a wide-rimmed black hat, a red vest, a Native-American necklace of feathers, and blue jeans. On the back of his neck, imprinted on the fur, was the Homunculus symbol.

KNIGHT: You may not recognize him in this form, but you might refer this character as Injun Joe. However, the world where HE'S from, the locals called him "Injurin' Joe". Different names, same persona, you get the deal. Basically, from what we gathered, Odotherex used a Philosopher's Stone to perform a human transmutation, so he could bring Joe back to life. Somehow, Joe allied himself with Odotherex and agreed to become the Homunculus known as Violence the Murderous, named after the sin that joyfully destroys the lives of mortals, whether dealt to others, to themselves, or to God himself. He now serves as a second High General to the Mannequin Soldier. Therefore, when Injurin' Joe became a Homunculus, he gained a literal vampiric blood lust and apparently, an innate knowledge for all forms of weaponry, and the knowledge to perform powerful Alchemy.

KNIGHT: He is known as being reclusive, as well as vengeful against all who wronged him, from the murderers who slaughtered his people, all the way up to Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn for exposing him for the murder of Deputy Bean. He is cold-hearted, cruel, remorseless, ruthless, and very dangerous, but is also known for being greedy from his thefts of money, whether it's treasure or simple donations from the local church. Because of a similar hatred for Tom Sawyer, he found a kindred spirit in Treachery, for whom he acts as the "muscles", and is mostly seen with him. But we'll get to that later on.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a familiar blonde Chipette, only wearing black shadows around her eyes, as well as a black choker around her neck, a black one-shouldered tank-top exposing her midriff, one long glove that covers most of her right arm, and one black bracelet on her left arm. She also wore a pair of what appear to be leather pants with a silver belt and skull boots. She was seen playing a ghostly electric guitar with varying knobs, from a musical note, to a heart, to a skull, to a fist, to a spiral, to a wave.

KNIGHT: As I already know you think that Charlene is really a Darkette now. Well my sources say that there are TWO Charlenes in existence: the real one with the Dark Stone, and a super clone created by Odotherex, one that has been modified to the age of your 80's selves, and that will act as Fraud the Duplicitous. While sources are unaware of the real Charlene, we DID gather some info about her super clone. She, like Wrath, Heresy, Violence, and Treachery, she is also a corporal Homunculus. However, she is a rare form of a Chimeric Homunculus, or a Homunculus that is fused with another being. In this case, she is fused with the ghost singer Ember McClain. Not only is she against working for the Darks, she's also to get back at the Chipmunks and the Chipettes (mainly Alvin) for destroying her music career. To serve Odotherex, she serves mainly as second-in-command of the Homunculi and a mass publicist for the youth, resurrecting the Youth Revolution. Three guesses on how she's recruiting these kids.

KNIGHT: Along with her voice, she bears a physiological trait for emitting vast traces of pheromones to manipulate her underlings and enemies. Her powers range from a hypnotizing voice, to all of Ember's ghost powers (flight, invisibility, intangibility, ghost rays, etc), to simply performing powerful Alchemy. She seems to have somewhat of a child's personality with a thirst for attention and a disregard for adult authority, mortals and Homunculi alike. And like some Homunculi, she is more lenient towards mortals than the other Homunculi, likely due to having lived among them for a long time, and practically prefers to have a large adoring audience of mortals, than a small well-knit group of Homunculi. Also, it appears that unlike the real Charlene, Fraud is perhaps the only Homunculus to have feelings for another Homunculus: the Homunculus Treachery, for his self-independence, his aristocrat-like airs, and his self-reliance.

He pressed the remote again, the image on the projector changing to a bespectacled male feline, light khaki-furred but with black hair, and wearing the standard schoolboy outfit (light blue undershirt, navy blue suspender shorts, a bowtie, white socks, and brown school shoes). In his right palm was the Homunculus symbol.

KNIGHT: Finally, the Homunculus under Odotherex's wing, and maybe perhaps the most dangerous Homunculus to ever face: Treachery the Unfaithful, named for the sin that betrays the love and trust that nature makes, or as my new apprentice Tom would dare call his own half-brother "Sidney Hopkins". He's from the same world and Injurin' Joe, and shares the same hatred for Tom Sawyer as Joe does, but for a different reason. At first, it was jealousy for his brother, but Odotherex fed that jealousy and turned it into simple hatred and envy for Tom and all who support him. Now he serves alongside Odotherex as the second-in-command of the Homunculi and the head of Odotherex's spy network. He has the power to turn others' fears, dreams, and hopes into anger and greed, in order to force people to betray their allies and swear their loyalties to Odotherex, or if he wanted, to himself. His powers consist of psychic abilities (dowsing, Legillimency, psychometry, retrocognition, telekinesis, telepathy, transvection) and powerful Alchemy.

KNIGHT: Though lower in rank and status, he is more then well-armed in the art of treachery than Odotherex estimates him to be. He is jealous of two people for different reasons: the younger Simon for his closeness with the younger Jeanette, and Tom for his popularity status, even though Sid worked harder than Tom. The jealousy only increased when Tom and Huck became heroes and were beloved by the town of Hannibal. However, he is also more lenient towards mortals than the other Homunculi, likely due to having lived among them for a long time. He is also hypocritical, because he knows that his work is evil, even though he claims to be the "perfect child". Though he is spiteful in nature, he has a softer side that only Fraud seems to see. Because of a similar hatred for Tom Sawyer, he found a kindred spirit in Violence, for whom he acts as the "brains" of the duo, and is mostly seen with him. Also, he may be considered the only Homunculus to have feelings for a mortal, particularly Jeanette's younger self.

Finally, he pressed the remote once more, the image on the projector changing to a black-cloaked adolescent male with a darker skin tone, long light-silver hair, and red eyes. However, he had the Homunculus symbol on his forehead. This was Lord Odotherex.

KNIGHT: You may already know Odotherex as my evil counterpart in life. However, there is more to him than meets the eye. You may not have heard this, but he the leader of the Homunculi himself, is a corporal Homunculus. This explains why his body is human. It's true that he was banished, formless and forced to wander the world as a spirit. However, he was able to enter the dream of a man who wanted to become immortal. Odotherex tricked him into making a transmutation circle out of his entire country. Once the circle activated, after the souls turned into his Philosopher's Stone, he used his blood along with the blood of several civilians to create a human body that is identical to myself. This soon led him into the study of alchemy, learning how to transmute people's souls into Philosopher's Stones. Now you may think that his Stone can be destroyed; well, that's entirely not true. After becoming flesh and bone, he also used other methods to retain his immortality, from creating seven Horcruxes, to stealing gold from the Chest of Cortés, to drinking from the Fountain of Youth, to countless other methods of obtaining and preserving immortality.

KNIGHT: He is able to completely understand the pains of lesser evils, which are later used to recruit them, and formulate strategies and schemes ahead of time. Though powerless, he still has manipulation over the weak-minded, his misanthropy, his immortal-purity racialism, and his skills in playing differing sides to satisfy his needs. Like his father, he is highly cunning and intelligent, making him able to convince his followers to do his bidding by making Faustian bargains with them. Along with powerful alchemy, he has the ability to absorb any of the other Homunculi's abilities.

He pressed the remote to shut off the projector. He then turned to the camera's lens.

KNIGHT: Well, this may complete the update on the Homunculi to expect attacks from. Oh, and since the update, James Seville and myself have joined forces in order to take down the Darks. We have a plan, but we don't want to give away details of it, lest the Darks catch whiff of it. So good luck.

Simon: So viewers, remember to look out for these foes –

Alvin: Oh please, you renny fair nerds are pathetic!

Simon: Says the guy who dresses up as Cyrano de Bergerac and pokes everybody with a fencing sword every year at the Renaissance fair! You seriously injured some people with that thing, remember?

Alvin: They were villains, they deserved it!

Simon: No, they were DRESSED as villains. These villains are the real deal. You need to be on the lookout for them, and if you come across a Homunculus, you had better be prepared with better than that wobbly stick of wire you use as a fencing sword.

So that's it for today, see you all… whenever… and if one of you has a school-related question, don't be afraid to ask, we'll get into a lengthy discussion and make it an educational episode!

Alvin: Lame.

Simon: All right, you have been asking for it – (sticks a sock in Alvin's mouth)

Alvin: Ooh drrk!

Simon: That's sock-speak for "you jerk!" And if I were a jerk I would have put a dirty sock in his mouth instead of a clean sock fresh from the package!

Now we are going to go home and discuss talk-show etiquette!