AN: Before you read this fic, beware of the following. Tissuewarning, disturbing imagery, slash (no sex, nothing like that at all, it's just mentioned), pretty foul language and a really disturbed author.

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"McGee! Ziva! Gibbs!" Tony comes running and they all spot him. "DOWN! NOW!" Tony yells and they get down just as the shock of a blast strikes Tony, flinging him into the wall behind them, high up, almost in the ceiling, fire licking at the exits of the building. Tony slams down with a 'ooomph' and lays perfectly still in the exact position he landed in. When the fire becomes a regular fire, retreating to where it came from, Gibbs gets up and is the first one to reach Tony. He checks his pulse and pats his hands down Tony's body, checking for further damage. He spots something and removes his jacket, striking Tony's body with it. And suddenly McGee understands, that weird smell reaching his nostrils is Tony's flesh burning.

"CALL A DAMN AMBULANCE!" Gibbs is furious, or scared, or furious. It doesn't really matter because Ziva's striking Tony with her jacket too, and McGee is calling for an ambulance even though he's forgotten the adress when he sees a small flame from Tony's jacket that Ziva immediatly puts out. The ambulance says they have the location and asks him how bad it is.

"Well, he's on fire," McGee says and wants to headslap himself. "But they've put it out." Then the operator asks what happened. "There was a bomb. We're Federal Agents, and he just got tossed like a puppet. Woosh...just...woosh," McGee's still in shock and no one can blame him as Gibbs and Ziva roll Tony's unconcious body to remove his still smoldering jacket. He has his vest on underneath and McGee prays it took some of the impact. The operater asks if Tony is breathing, but that involves going over to see, to find out if Tony's really alive, so McGee just says 'yes' because Gibbs and Ziva would be doing CPR if he wasn't.

"McGee, give me the phone," Gibbs growls and McGee takes one step forward before clumsily reaching the phone out. Gibbs yanks it from his fingers and proceeds to rattle off the list of injuries he thinks Tony may have sustained. It's a long list, and McGee's just staring at Tony's burnt neck. The jacket they've been trying to get off of Tony has melted into his neck and throat, and McGee's own throat constricts at the sight and smell of melted flesh that suddenly hits him like a brick wall. He swallows convulsively and turns away, feeling guilty because that's Tony lying there, and McGee doesn't know if he could've helped him if it'd just been him and Tony in the building. Flashes of Tony burning up because McGee's to scared and too overwhelmed to help him pass through his brain when he hears someone shout his name. "McGee! Go outside and guide the EMT's in here! NOW McGee!" Gibbs growls and McGee has never been happier to follow an order. He all but runs outside and to the street, drawing in a deep breath that still smells of burning Tony. A crowd has gathered and one of them asks McGee what's going on.

"Nothing to worry about, everything's under control," McGee says. He wonders if Gibbs called the firetrucks, because the place is still burning. That's when he notices the firetrucks already there, spraying water on the lingering flames as smoke rises from the roof.

"Are you okay?" an onlooker asks and McGee does a double take when he sees Benton, a Senior Agent, standing in front of him. "Forget I asked, what happened?" he asks instead. McGee doesn't know how he forces out the words but he does, and Benton pales. "They still in there?" he asks and all McGee can do is nod, because he's not sure, he doesn't have a clue. "Sit down, Agent McGee, I'll take over from here," he says and McGee sits, because he doesn't know what else to do. He bends his knees up to his face and puts his head between his knees, trying to breathe, trying not to smell, trying to imagine his mother telling him everything will be okay. But his thoughts stray and he's seeing Tony telling him that he's a whimp for not staying, for freezing up.

"Come on Probie, it's just a little melted flesh," Tony's voice says and McGee looks up, confused. The voice is so familiar, so utterly Tony, that McGee doesn't think he's injured at all, he thinks Tony's standing in front of him. That's when he catches a glimpse of the gurney holding Tony's injured form and the bile rises. This time he can't stop it, he vomits and he heaves until there's nothing left. Nothing but the smell of burnt flesh. There's a touch on his arm, and Ziva's eyes soften as he finally looks up at her.

"We will follow, Tim. He will be fine, he will ounce back," Ziva says.

"Bounce," McGee says and winces, because correcting Ziva's idioms is Tony's job, not his. Ziva just helps him up.

"Bounce," she repeats as she pulls his shivering body with her towards a car. She's about to unlock it when McGee notices her hands are shaking, and it's not really cold out here. Her head is bowed, and McGee sees the struggle she's going through not to cry. He hears her shuddering intakes of breath when an Agent comes over, McGee recognizes him as Carlos from the Benton team, and takes the keys out of her hand, unlocking the car.

"I'll drive you," Carlos says, and it's gentle, and it's not Tony, and it hurts because it SHOULD be Tony standing there, he should be smiling and goofing off and doing stuff instead of laying in an ambulance, dying because he was protecting them. But instead of telling anyone, McGee silently gets into the car and buckles up. Ziva doesn't protest having to sit in the back seat and that worries McGee because Ziva hates sitting in the back. And now he feels guilty too because Gibbs is supposed to drive, and Tony's supposed to sit where he sits and make rude comments, stupid jokes, and surprising observations that he connects with movies. "We're here," Carlos says softly and McGee blinks. They're outside the hospital and McGee can't help but think that he zoned out completely. He unbuckles his seatbelt and steps out of the car. The hospital is growning darker as his step faulters. Ziva grabs his arm.

"It will be okay," she whispers in his ear but McGee shakes his head.

"Why did he do that? I know his hearing's great but he shouldn't go off on his own! ALWAYS bring backup!" McGee says suddenly because he's so angry with Tony that the man would go off on his own like that, and he shouldn't, but McGee knows he really couldn't.

"Gibbs sent Tony alone to the back. There were three doors, Tim. He sent us together, then he took one and gave one to Tony. It is not your fault, it is not Gibbs's fault, it was bad luck!" she says, her voice cracking. McGee notices she doesn't say anything about it not being her fault. He wants to blame her, but he can't, because seeing Ziva like this, like she's breaking in front of his eyes, it scares him even more than he wants to admit. It downright terrifies him to see Ziva, strong, capable, funny Ziva breaking like she's seen her first dead body.

"It's not your fault either Ziva," he finally says after what seems like a silence that could last forever. He turns to look at the hospital again and wonder why he's never really seen how it looms over the city like a onmious tower of doom. He briefly wonders if he's really THAT much of a geek and pictures Tony nodding vigorously. McGee takes Ziva's hand and she lets him, another sign that Ziva's falling apart, and he gathers his courrage before he sets off to the main entrance at a brisk pace. They get inside and there's Gibbs, and Ducky, and Abby. And Gibbs looks like he's about to cry and THAT is what break McGee. He stumbles to his knees and then Abby's there, holding him, crying, telling him everything's going to be okay. And she smells like almonds and gunpowder and everything work related that McGee never wants to think of again so he tries to push her away but he has to give up because she's not letting go.

"He's going to be okay," a voice says and McGee notices he's sitting in a chair. He wonders how it happened because all he remembers is kneeling on the dirty floor of the ER and gunpowder and almonds. He looks up to see Ducky sitting in the chair next to him, offering a cup of tea and it's so normal McGee wants to break the damn cup, or maybe he wants to break Gibbs for making Tony take one door by himself. When he looks up, Gibbs is gone, and McGee accepts the cup of tea but he doesn't drink it, he's savoring the warmth between his fingers because if Tony dies, he doubts he'll ever feel warm again. He thinks about every time he's hurt Tony by making rude comments about him or questioning his sexuality, he thinks about the times where he's doubted Tony, or teased him in a way that hurts, and he knows it hurt because that was what he aimed for. He thinks about every time he's insulted Tony or actually tripped him or messed stuff up for him, and he wants so badly for Tony to be fine again that he promises never to do something like that again. Soft arms curl around him and pulls him over, but now it just smells like Abby, and it smells like flowers and love and friendship so he decides to let go. Now, he can let go and he cries. The cup is gone and he clings to Abby, crying, because things will never be okay, and things will never go back to normal.

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AN: Whoa...that became a tad more dramatic than I intended O_o And yes there will be more so just review and love to all :3