Ganondorf's Evil Overlord list (1-10)

A/N: Whoo, I've been promising this for a while now. So all the lines in bold you will probably recognise from the 'Evil Overlord List- tv tropes and idioms', I've just taken some of the numbers on the list that are most appropriate in order to parody Legend of Zelda. Oh, and those bits not in bold are my... exaggerations on each number.

So, please read and reviews would be much appreciated. Keep in mind that this is my slightly dry attempt at humour and there is more to come. I think.

Disclaimer: Legend of Zelda does not, unfortunately, belong to me. And niether do any of the lines in bold. It's probably for the best.

1. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
"Dammit," Link swore. He shoved and squirmed, trying to squeeze his shoulder's through the hole. "Why did he have to make these ventilation ducts so small?" He shoved one more time but failed miserably. "How am I meant to get into his Castle now?" Link wailed.

2. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small inn outside my borders will work just as well.
"Speak, boy!" Ganondorf roared. "Why exactly were you trying to get into my Castle?"
"Hey, stop yelling," Link complained. "I was only doing it because Princess Zelda told me to."
"So... you have no idea why exactly you were trying to destroy me?"
Link coughed. "No, not really." There was a knock at the door.
"Come in," Ganondorf called. A young maid opened the door shyly, holding a platter with a tall bottle and two glasses upon it.
"Wine, milord's?" she asked. Ganondorf thought about it for a moment, then grinned.
"Of course," he agreed. "And while we're at it, hero boy, maybe you can give me some dirt on this Princess..."

3. The Hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
"Can you at least grant me the honour of dying with my sword in my hands?" Link requested, Ganondorf's sword at his throat.
"No," the latter replied.
"How about a last glance at my girlfriend?"
"No. And anyway, didn't you tell me once that she wasn't anything special compared to that whore in the inn?"
"You what?" Zelda screeched, being held back by four of the King of Evil's monsters.
"No, no, I didn't say anything like that, really!" Link defended. He turned his glare at Ganondorf. "I thought you said you wouldn't tell anyone!"
"You're about to die anyway," Ganondorf pointed out.
"If you live through this, Link," Zelda was yelling. " I swear I'll-"
"Kill me quickly," he begged the Evil King.

4. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will me be corrected before implantation.
"Why is your sword to big?" the little kid asked.
"So I can kill several people at once," Ganondorf replied patiently.
"And why are you wearing so many pots and pans?"
"That's call armour, child. It's to make sure that people can't hurt me. Now, are you going to tell me if there is any flaws in my plan, or not?"
"... You should put padlocks on your door. My mummy always says that padlocks keep the robber's out." The boy's finger went into his nose.
"Padlocks! Of course!" Ganondorf exclaimed. "And it shall be done, child!"

5. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
"The housekeepers have been requesting some new recruits, my Lord," an advisor said. "They are offering premium 3ply toilet paper if you comply with their request. My advice is that you accept."
"I feel this is a satisfactory deal!" Ganondorf proclaimed. "Excellent advice, advisor, excellent advice!"

6. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the Hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
"You have three mistresses, sir, why no daughters?" a member of the court asked.
"If I had a daughter, she would not be on my side for long. And I assure you, I have many more than just three mistresses. I am the king of a race of women, after all."
"Sir!" A Moblin ran into the room, panting. "It appears that the Hero has entered the Castle gates, sir!"
"I see..." Ganondorf strode over to the balcony that overlooked the front courtyard. There the Hero stood, blushing slightly but grinning all the same. Three women leaned on him, kissing up his neck and on his face, fondling with his hair, tunic and hat. The King of Evil shook his head and sighed.
"Tanya! Leya! Kirish! Get away from the boy," he ordered.
"Do you know each of your subjects by name, sir?" the courtier questioned.
"No, definitely not."
"Then how do you know these women?"
"These... are the three mistresses that you spoke of."

7. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
Link gave a quiet signal to Princess Zelda, trapped in her glass crystal-thingy. He crept as silently as he could, but stopped after a couple of steps. Something was off...
"I see you, boy," the Evil King sneered. Link turned to him, slightly surprised.
"So you stopped with all that crazy laughing shit?" the Hero asked.
"Yes, you see, I found it distracted me. Also, I developed an abominable cough."
"So what now?" Link asked hesitantly, gripping the hilt of his sword tightly in his hand.
"Well, I was thinking that you may like a tour of the Castle, so you don't keep getting lost every time you break in here."
"Seriously?" Link was incredulous, but agreed besides.
"Let's start with the dungeons, shall we?" Ganondorf offered, as a large troop of Moblins marched into the room.
"Crud," Link uttered, as he unsheathed his sword and began to fight the monsters, wondering why he hadn't suspected something like that.

8. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths as weaknesses. Even though it takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "NO, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
"Chess!" Ganondorf exclaimed, scribbling it onto a piece of parchment. "Definitely a strength, am I right?"
"Of course, sir," A Gerudo woman replied, her voice showing that she was obviously bored.
"And... I like... to... fight people...? What would that be classified as?"
"It depends if you win or lose, Your Highness."
"Well of course I always-"
"Remember that the Hero is still not dead, even after you faced him whilst he was seven years old," she added dryly.
"... How about we just forget about that one, shall we?" The Dark King suggested through gritted teeth.

9. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
"Send her to my bedchamber," Ganondorf ordered.
"But... why, sir?"
"Do I really need to go into the details?" The Gerudo almost blushed. Almost. Gerudo's don't blush.
"No, it's just I thought you weren't going to sleep with any of the prisoners-"
"Before I thought about it twice. I've thought about it twice, and our capture of her shouldn't be wasted."
"So you're going to bed her? What if she turns out dangerous?"
"... She won't be able to hide anything once she's been stripped of her clothes."

10. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
The Goron's, Sheikah, Zorah's and the Hylian's all stopped and stared as the King of Evil stepped onto the balcony. He was dressed in bright yellow and purple clothes, his usually red hair had been dyed green and the hilt of his sword shined a metallic blue. Everyone stared for a few moments; even the King's monster's themselves.
"Let's go," the Hero sighed. "I don't think this guy's even worth killing anymore."