This is my attempt to put to words how I think my Hawke would feel after what happened at the end of Dragon Age 2, although I do intend the story to continue after this chapter and explore what the Champion and her companions do after Kirkwall. I have used some direct quotes from the ending of the game, so obviously I make no claims and definitely did not write those. As ever, all characters and settings belong to the amazing Bioware, without whom we would have no Anders, but perhaps richer social lives. Huzzah!

Chapter 1 - Better the Devil You Know

As soon as she heard them, Hawke knew she would never forget Anders' words until the day she died.

"The grand cleric cannot help you."

Hawke had almost felt it definably as the situation slipped from her grasp, like the terrible moment after accidentally dropping something and wait for it shatter. The stalemate was

broken and her hand was forced. The pawns were lined up on the chessboard, black and white, and she was dragged from the sidelines and her comfortable, neutral, shade of grey.

"Why, why would you do such a thing?" she heard Orsino ask Anders, his voice trembling.

"I removed the chance of compromise, because there is no compromise" Anders replied, and there was no such sense of uncertainty in his.

Even remembering it took Hawke's breath away. Though it had all happened merely hours ago, it felt like it had all been a life time away. She was sat atop a small grassy hillock in the countryside, barely outside of Kirkwall. The sky was an inky black now, but the city still burned, far off in the distance. Her armor was drenched in blood, some of it her own, and her fingers had not stopped trembling. Her entire body ached with fatigue, and her right arm had began to smart terribly. She adjusted herself slightly, so she was no longer leaning her weight upon it. Her right gauntlet had cracked and ruptured, and her arm felt sticky with blood beneath it. Hawke had barely noticed it before, her body had been running entirely on adrenaline as they fled the city, that and the desire to ensure her companions safety. She was damned if all of that happened would be for nothing. Though she had sustained a few injuries in the battle, it dawned on her that the pain she felt had nothing to do with her physical state. Anders had lived with her for the past three years, she had trusted him with her life and yet he had thrown it all completely and irrevocably in her face. He should have known surely, that she would not let anything happen to the circle mages they had fought to protect so severely. Hawke had always known that some of his measures were extreme, but she had thought that she had at least tempered this part of him, or at least he would try, for her sake.

It was the first time since the battle she had been alone. Hawke dropped her head onto her knees, allowing the tears she had been furiously trying to hold back to fall down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around her knees, pulling them tightly towards her as though afraid she would fall apart if she let go. Her hands balled into tight fists, her nails cutting into her palms. All the anger, hurt, unfairness and other unidentifiable feelings washed over her until she was almost crippled by it, forcing the fresh memories back into the forefront of her mind. Despite everything she still sided with the mages, as Hawke had always known she would. It wasn't their fault that Anders had appeared to have lost whatever was left of his ever wavering sanity. Her decision and it's repercussions however, seemed almost like a sidenote now, and the following battles were a blur. Her mind was ensnared, it could not focus on anything else but Anders.

She had not spared his feelings. After Orsino had left for the the gallows to prepare for the battle, Hawke had spoken with Anders. Though she felt that she had no words left for him, Hawke could still not take the greatly mistaken mage's life. She had simply said, "Help me defend the mages, it's the least you can do."

"You mean, stay with you? I didn't think you'd let me. But if you do, I'll fight the templars. Damned right I will" Anders had looked at her then, with something like hope in his eyes.

All Hawke had left was spite, "You will, and you'll fight any mages that turn to blood magic. We don't need anymore abominations running amock."

After the battle they had fled, leaving Kirkwall in flames and chaos. On the outskirts of the city they ran into Guardsman Donnic. After both he and Aveline had sided with the Champion against the templars, it was unlikely that they too, would be able to return. Before she left with Donnic, Aveline had taken Hawke to one side, trying to impress into her the importance of persuading Anders to turn himself in. Hawke had been tired, and wholly unmoved by her plea. As it was, despite what he had done, Hawke still believed that turning him over to the Templars would be a fate worse than death. Perhaps death was what he deserved, but she wanted to him to live with what he had done, she wanted him make up for his wrongs. Whether he could, was another thing entirely.

With Aveline gone, this left her with few of her companions remaining. Her sister Bethany, Varric the dwarf, Merril, Fenris and of course, Anders. Isabela had disappeared before the qunari had attacked, and had not been seen since. Sebastien had left when Hawke spared Anders' life, vowing that he would return and kill him. Though Hawke had stated she would defend Anders, it was with a heavy heart. She still loved him, which was what made the situation all the more unbearable. Sebastien on the other hand had always warned her about him. He had been a good friend, and now he was gone, probably only returning to attempt to take her life.

After a time, Hawke go to her feet, wiped her eyes, and turned them toward the low sun rising on the horizon. They had been traveling all night, and they had often come across trouble on the road, but had made good progress. As far as Hawke was concerned, the more distance between her and Kirkwall, the better. Slowly, she turned and headed the short way back to where they had camped. The others had been asleep when she had left them, they were of course exhausted, but overall her companions just seemed relieved to be alive. She was quite taken aback by how quickly they had bedded down, she had thought that there might have been some refusal by the others to share camp with Anders, or at least the adrenaline of their escape might have kept them awake. It seemed they had temporarily put all these things aside, under the silky black sky and the irresistible lure of a hot fire, and the soft downy grass. Hawke did not find it this easy to disengage however, and had kept watch over the others for most of the night. As she stepped through the trees, twigs snapped under her boots, sending a small animal scurrying for the undergrowth. It was a matter of metres before she was back in camp, nestled in a clearing amongst the trees. Her faithful Mabari hound was at her heels within a matter of seconds, before emitting a low, sorrowful whine.

"It's alright boy, I'm here. I'm fine, look if you don't believe me" she spread out her arms, as if to prove it. The dog gave her a look very close to disbelieving.

"Okay, so I'm not fine. But I'm no more battered and bruised than usual" she corrected herself. Somewhat satisfied, he jumped up, placing his huge paws on her chest and licking sloppily at her face with his tongue. Hawke couldn't help but laugh, and half wondered if Mabari had some magic of their own, in being able to bring their own unique brand of inexplicable merriment to such otherwise dark times. She almost jumped out of her skin as she realised she was not the only one of the party still awake. Her attention distracted, she had not noticed Anders, sat between the roots of a large tree not far away from her. As he stood however, the firelight had thrown his face into stark relief. He looked gaunt, far more than usual, and there were dark circles around his eyes. His expression looked so vacant, so lost, that for a moment that Hawke nearly forgot herself. He looked like a frightened child in a world full of strangers, and in that moment all she wanted to do was embrace him. Hawke wanted to hold him tightly and kiss away every one of his fears until they were all but forgotten, until all the Templars in Thedas had turned to dust. But it was not like that. His torture was self inflicted, and she would rather kill him than offer him reprieve from it. Of this much she was certain.

After a moment, he spoke, "You're alright. Good. I wondered where you'd gone"

Hawke did not trust herself to speak, still shellshocked and terribly angry, tonight was not the night to discuss what had happened. She sat on the ground next to Bethany, who was sleeping soundly, and pulled off her greaves. Her companions had positioned themselves in a semi circle around the fire, not too close together, but not too far apart that they didn't benefit from the shared warmth. Luckily, it was a fairly mild night, had it been winter they would all have frozen to death; they had limited equipment and had been thoroughly unprepared for the events which would cause them sleep rough in the forest.

"You should get some rest, we're going to have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow" Hawke murmured in reply, after a long pause. Anders said nothing as he sat back down looking, if possible, more agonized than before.

Hawke then proceeded to remove her gauntlets carefully, having no trouble with the left one but grimacing as her right arm stung with a new vigor as she pulled it free. Upon inspection it appeared the wound was no worse than any injuries she had incurred before, though the gash that spanned from her elbow to the back of her wrist was fairly deep, and would need attending.

Anders sat forward, tentatively, 'That looks painful, let me heal it for you."

"No, it's alright. I'll ask Bethany to do it in the morning" she replied shortly, proceeding to drag off the rest of her armor. Underneath she had on a thin, white cotton shirt and tight but breathable trousers which prevented her armor from rubbing at her skin. She was grateful for this, as sleeping in her armor was not an option, but neither would allowing the others to see her starkers, either. She did not even like to think of it.

Hawke searched through her pack quickly, taking out a set of bandages and beginning to wind them around her arm. On their escape from Kirkwall, Hawke had taken a quick detour to scavenge some additional supplies, which had thus far come in very handy

Anders was silent for a moment, before muttering in a tone barely distinguishable, "Well, now you're just being difficult."

Hawke froze. After a moment's pause, she threw the bandages onto the ground with a new found venom, and stood up. With a few quick footsteps she closed the remaining gap between them, stopping just in front of Anders and scowling down at him. She was about to open her mouth when there was a loud snapping sound nearby. Both she and Anders both looked around in unison, staring at Varric who stood just inside the tree line, looking apologetic.

"Just pretend I'm not here, won't you?" he asked, before muttering something about just wanting to go relieve himself and not get involved in some domestic.

Speaking in an undertone that was almost a threat, she continued, ignoring the dwarf, "Look. If you want to go there, we can go there. But I am tired, and fed up of your shit. So try me if you like, but don't say I didn't warn you..."

In the very periphery of her vision, she could see Varric backing away from the scene, very slowly. If the situation weren't so grave, it would have been funny.

"I'm sorry" Anders eventually ventured, "Really, I am."

"Get up, Anders."

His dark eyes flickered up toward hers, he did not look fearful, merely puzzled, "What?"

"I said, get up" she commanded again, calmly.

Despite his earlier words, Varric hesitated, "Hawke?"

Slowly, Anders got to his feet, looking more than a little nervous, though Hawke was at least a foot shorter than him, and completely unarmed, she was squaring up to him more than adequately. What made it worse, was that more often than not, her temperament was fairly mellow. He was not used to seeing her lose her temper, even in battle she only took lives when necessary, and then she took no pleasure in it. He was quite perturbed by this new, glowering, Hawke, a fact which was evident the minute you looked at his tense face. He had very little time to process these thoughts though, as Hawke struck him hard across the face. He stumbled backwards, clutching at his nose as it began to bleed, almost instantly.

"YOU'RE SORRY?" Hawke yelled at him, causing Bethany to jerk awake, "Why? Because you killed all those innocent people? Or is it due to the fact that down to your idiocy, I will be hunted for the rest of my life? Which thanks to you looks like it will be relatively shorter than I expected!"

Anders stood, leaning against the tree for support, holding his face in his other hand. He looked completely stunned, "You didn't have to stay with me..."

"I would have been hunted anyway! What did you think would happen, they'd be all. 'Well the Champion lived with him for three years, but she didn't know he was planting a bomb. Oh no, she seems such a nice girl, we'll leave her and her apostate sister, be.' Are you really that dense?" Hawke raged, feeling no desire to relent as Anders cringed before her.

Everyone in the camp was awake now, whether they were pretending to be asleep (in Merrill's case) or not.

The very sight of Hawke exploding like that had been enough to strike them all momentarily, dumb. The crickets which had been quite contentedly chirping in the tall grass had also fallen silent, as though afraid to make a sound in her presence,

Bethany was at her sister's side, watching her closely and looking almost as bemused as Anders. Varric, had positioned himself between the two, although perhaps unconsciously, he had made himself a fairly effective barrier.

In an attempt to placate Hawke and end the standoff, Varric spoke; "Fighting now isn't going to solve anything Hawke..."

Fenris was sat up, cross-legged on the ground. He almost looked eager, as though this was what he had been waiting for all along, "Oh I don't know, I think he deserves more than a good slap."

"And it would make me feel a damn sight better" Hawke agreed, panting.

"Then why didn't you kill me?" Anders asked her, seriously. The two stared at each other, and for those brief few seconds after he spoke, it was as if they were alone. As Anders' hazel eyes met Hawke's own steel grey ones, they shared an explicable instance where all others were drowned out. Anders felt an irresistible urge to reach out and touch her, as though if he could do this small thing that he could console her, stop her from hurting.

This was until Hawke launched herself at Anders again, Bethany and Varric barely catching her in time, "Why? WHY? By Andraste's frilly knickers, I WILL kill you Anders, you backstabbing, selfish, sodding nug-shagging bastard!"

"Nug-shagging?" Varric stared at Anders, "Is there something you need to tell us, Blondie?"

"I-" Anders turned and frowned at Varric, "What? No!"

Hawke stopped struggling against the others, turning away and rubbing her face with her hands. Talking to herself, she breathed, "I can't do this..."

Bethany followed her, guiding Hawke gently to one side and placing both her hands on Hawke's shoulders, "I can't pretend to know how you feel right now sister, but I know this isn't what you want." Bethany paused, "I also can't say that I blame you. But right now you need to get some rest. You did a good thing today, despite everything else. You got us out of there alive, but we still need you to stay strong."

Hawke nodded, feeling slightly ashamed, "I know. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to remind me of that."

Bethany shook her head, "Don't be silly, I've never had to before. You've never failed us, and I know you won't now. You're just exhausted and, well..."

Bethany didn't finish her sentence, she didn't need to, Hawke knew what she had meant.

Hawke nodded again, turning towards the group and raising her voice, "I'm sorry."

Fenris lay back on the ground. The smirk still not leaving his face, he said, "Oh don't worry, I only wish I could have you smacking Anders senseless on repeat, all the time. It's the best night's entertainment I've ever had."

Sitting down again, Varric cast him a long glance, "You must be very lonely."

Despite looking completely bewildered, Anders seemed to have found his voice. Struggling to speak past his furiously bleeding nose, he snorted at Fenris, "Candid as ever, I see."

"I can be more candid if you'd like mage. I can candidly drive my blade up your-"

"Enough"Hawke had turned around, looking at them all. She did not need to say it twice.

After a lot of dark muttering and dirty looks, the party finally began to settle down again. Hawke began winding the bandage around her arm again, this time with a fierce intensity. Anders couldn't help but watch her, though it gave him an empty, aching feeling which throbbed in hist chest. It always struck him how beautiful she was, and amongst all this madness he couldn't help but appreciate the fact more. Hawke on the other hand, had caught him looking at her but decidedly ignored it, pulling a blanket from her pack and then disappearing beneath it. Only by her furrowed, angry brow and shock of long blonde hair could you identify that it was indeed Hawke beneath it.

Varric sighed, as he shifted uncomfortably on the bumpy ground, "You can stop pretending to be asleep now Merrill."

Merrill had remained beneath her blanket throughout the conversation, though she chimed up when Varric spoke to her, "I just don't like confrontation, that's all."

"A blood mage who doesn't like confrontation? I'll believe that when I see it" Varric replied, with a snigger. He turned to Anders, who was once again perched between the roots of the knotted tree, looking remarkably like a thoroughly ruffled cat, licking at it's wounds. Varric shook his head, before murmuring softly, "Settle down Blondie, I think Hawke's done beating you."

"It's never too late in the day for a game of toss the dwarf you know, Varric" a slightly muffled sounding Hawke interjected.

This put a very definite end to all conversation in the camp that night.