Ch. 15 Here's Looking At You, Kid

"I don't want to go," Kaidan said in a sleepy, childish voice, face buried in the pillow. Joker's scenic route lasted eighteen hours, all of which had been spent in Shepard's quarters, aside from a quick kitchen raid and speedy return with late night snacks. They'd recently awoken to EDI's pleasant voice alerting them to the fact that the Normandy had finally reached the Citadel.

Shepard grinned over her shoulder at him as she pulled on her socks. She had gotten mostly dressed while he lazily refused to move from the comfort of her bed. "I don't want to get on Halabi's bad side any more than I already am. We're already late."

Kaidan grinned, turning his head to look at her. "She's intimidated by you."

"Oh really?"

"Mm-hmm." He rolled to his side and rubbed his eye with a yawn. "She obeys all the rules, does exactly what the Alliance wants of her, and then there's this hot shot punk who throws protocol to the wind and is lauded as a hero, plastered all over recruitment posters." He smiled faintly, watching her stand and cross the room. "You know, for awhile, they were selling these omni-tool apps that would have 'WWSD' blinking across your wrist in big red letters."

Shepard laughed, disappearing into her bathroom. "You need to borrow my toothbrush?"

"Yeah," he called back, leaning back on his elbows. He shook his head a little, running a hand through his hair. "This is surreal."

"Good surreal, though, right?"

"The best surreal." With a resigned sigh, he finally threw aside the covers and got to his feet. "Keep waiting to wake up."

Shepard stepped back out of the bathroom, sliding close to him, kissing him. He wrapped his bare arms back about her, humming pleasurably into her lips. Finally, she pulled away with an affectionate swat at his rear. "Get dressed."

"I don't mind keeping her waiting. Thirty minutes."

"Get dressed, Kaidan," she said, grinning, and disappeared from the room, leaving him alone.

He was slow in preparing to leave. He lingered, stretching out every moment, studying every detail of the Normandy, starting with her quarters. When did she start collecting model ships? He'd found a picture of himself hastily slid away on Shepard's desk, and that had made him smile. His own photographs and mementos of her were still tucked away in that box in his storage space, a weak attempt to purge himself of her memory and move on. He hadn't been home since learning she was alive to pull it out again. His smile faded into a frown, and he set the frame down.

He dragged his feet after leaving her rooms and studied every face he passed. There weren't many. Shepard was going to need to build up her ranks again somehow. Jack appeared briefly, stepping into the elevator as he stepped off. "Offer still stands, boy scout," she drawled as the doors slid shut.

He found Samara standing near one of the navigator consoles, watching the elevator as if she was waiting on him. When he finally appeared, she gave him one of those soft, polite, emotionless smiles, stepping closer. "Commander. I wished to see you off."

"Samara," he smiled back at her, then offered his hand. "Thank you for everything."

The asari looked at his hand then back to his face, lifting a brow. "You will return to the Alliance now." The words connected together as if they should be a question, but her tone dropped, almost turning it into a proclamation.

He paused, looking past her. At the far end of the CIC near the exit, he spotted Tali, Bester, and Shepard. Bester had found a friend in Tali, and the pair of them was exchanging data between their omni-tools. Bester was raving about a band she was sure the quarian would love, and Tali was uploading a number of colorful old quarian musicals. "That's-… Yes," he said slowly.

The expression on her face when he looked back at her startled him. Her mouth had formed a thin, hard line, gaze flitting intently between his eyes, as if her sudden cutting stare were dissecting his every deepest thought. The moment was brief, and a half second later Samara had stepped back, her cool demeanor returned. "May the Goddess bless you in the path of duty." She dipped her head, then turned and left him standing there in bewildered silence.

"You ready to go, Commander?" Bester looked up at him as he approached.

Tali was quick to give him a departing hug. "You will keep in touch this time. Promise."

He nodded quietly, thoughts distant, "I promise."

Bester turned off the omni-tool and picked up her duffel bag. "Halabi's waiting for us at the embassy offices."

Shepard nodded her head in Kaidan's direction, "I'll walk out with you. I was going try and talk to the Council while we're here." She tapped the door control, opening the airlock, and the three of them crossed the threshold, door sealing behind them. "Set up some regular funding. Judging by my last few meetings with them, I'm not holding out too much hope there."

The door on the other end of the airlock opened after a quick quarantine scan, and Bester walked onto the gangway, looking over her shoulder at Kaidan as she shifted the weight of her bag to her other shoulder. "You coming, Commander?"

Kaidan was still standing in the airlock passage, frowning. His face was turned down, brows lowered, expression difficult to read. He put out a hand to stop Shepard from exiting and called out to his Lieutenant, "I'll meet you there."

"She's already pissed off, Commander."

"I'll meet you there," he repeated, voice more insistent.

Bester frowned, a wrinkle appearing in her brow, but she nodded, stepping away to the elevator that would take her down to C-Sec offices.

Shepard was watching Kaidan warily. The look on his face was one she hadn't seen before. His jaw was set, gaze intense as he reached out to tap the control and close the door out to the Citadel. "Kaidan?"

"I'm staying with you," he said, turning to her and tilting his chin up.

Shepard blinked at him, "Kaidan."

"I'm staying with you," he said again decisively, stepping towards her.

She frowned, stepping back, "What, and abandon the Alliance? You said-… Kaidan, that's desertion." Desertion meant a dishonorable discharge and prison time. Worse if it was decided that he deserted during wartime.

He stopped short as she retreated, and he dropped his gaze. "I know."

"Kaidan…" She stared at him a long moment, standing there before her with his head down. She stepped towards him, hands settling on his hips comfortingly. "This isn't forever."

He shook his head, arms encircling her possessively. "You don't know that."

"I'm not going to let you give up your military career over me. It was selfish of me to ask that of you on Horizon." She turned her head to look up at him. "If the Crerar leaves and you're not on it, you'll regret it."

"I won't."

"This is desertion, Kaidan, I can't let you do that. You know what will happen to you."

He let out a shuddering breath, burying his face in her neck, holding her tight. "I know that I don't have the strength to leave you again."

Shepard frowned, her eyes closing, hand softly stroking his hair as she turned her head to murmur in his ear. "We've both got a job to do, Kaidan. And this thing that we're up against is bigger than both of us. Bester, you crew, they need you to lead them, the Alliance needs you. They need someone who knows exactly what we're up against with the Reapers. You are strong. You are so strong."

He stepped back from her, meeting her gaze, looking pained and doubtful. He was wavering.

Shepard shook her head, cupping his face in his hands. "When this is all over I am never letting you out of my sight again. I promise you that. But the galaxy needs you to hit the Reapers with the full force of the Alliance behind you or we won't stand a chance. Don't abandon them now."

He lowered his gaze a moment, his brows pulling together. She could almost read his thoughts, running through every scenario, trying to find some way to get everything he wanted. He looked back at her with new resolve, "I'm coming back. I am going to talk to Anderson and I am going to fight beside you. If… if not on the Normandy, if the Crerar won't follow you, then on my own damn ship."

She couldn't help but give him a resigned smile, leaning in to kiss him. "Make it a fleet."

They kissed, arms wrapped about one another, holding close and tight, hanging on for dear life, hesitant to let go. Shepard was the first to withdraw, but it was slow. She closed her eyes, resting her forehead against his as she dropped her arms.

Kaidan's hand rested on her neck, stealing one more kiss before he whispered, "I love you, Jane." It was said with conviction. This parting wasn't forever, and he wasn't letting her go, not completely.

She opened her eyes to see him watching her closely, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "I love you, too," she murmured, forcing herself to step back, drawing in a deep breath.

He dropped his gaze when she finally stepped away from him, exhaling and nodding a little. Kaidan bent to pick up his bag and turned to hit the door control panel with the flat of his hand. "I'll see you soon," he said, backing away a few slow, delaying steps. A turn on the heel, another step, and he was gone.

He was gone and it suddenly felt as through someone knocked a hole in Shepard and all her insides were pouring out onto the floor. She rested a hand on the wall, then her elbow, leaning into the wall for support and closing her eyes. God damn. God damn it.

That was the right thing, Shepard. She would be damned if she took him away on the run from the Alliance again, this was bigger than Saren and Sovereign. They were on the verge of war. Can't put all your eggs in one basket going up against the Reapers. He wasn't her lieutenant anymore, he was a commander, and a damn good one. Made more sense to have him leading an Alliance assault rather than tag alongside her.

Besides, everything was in flux for her, she didn't even know what her next move was going to be, if she'd have to answer to the Alliance for working with Cerberus, everything was uncertain. She needed one more person on her side out there with the good guys.

But none of those is the reason you let him go, is it, Shepard?

She was quick to answer the voice in her head with another. Letting him go was the right thing to do, it doesn't matter what my reasons are.

The feelings of two little people didn't matter in the big picture. What they were up against. Of course, all the logic and practicality in the galaxy didn't lessen the sting. Shepard sucked in a deep breath, pushing herself from the wall and stood straight again. The Council was waiting. The Reapers were waiting. It was time to go back to work.

End.

There it is, kids. Thank you all for reading, special thanks to those who took the time to comment, and this round it's claire83, N.Q. Wilder, oohapoo, Commander Alenko, Lord Andreas, bluemarlin, and Commander Kurt. I've been worried that this ending would disappoint some readers, but Casablanca was my starting point, so this was inevitable, that and I've been setting it up the whole time. Tempting as it was to just make it a completely happy ending instead of a bittersweet goodbye. It was really hard to write this last chapter, but I hope at least some of you like it. Thank you so so so much for reading, and I invite you all to check out my other ME story, Sign Ups and Takedowns starring Garrus as Archangel. Less romance, more action, and a REALLY sad ending whenever we get to it. Again, thank you and be well!