Disclaimer: Not mine.

Notes: Hallow made me do it.

She was all, "Hey, Mogie! Do a crack!fic!"

So I was all, "OKAY! I WILL TOTES MCGOTES DO THAT!" And then I did.

Some of these ideas may or may not be featured in an upcoming fic from Hallow777, and may or may not be from a current set of fics she is working on. Also, my sheer adoration for all things Catherine Tate and Lauren Cooper will be showing a bit in this fic... and Stargate... and Fringe... and Bones... and Flynn Carsen... and Barney Stinson... basically any TV I may love. Please forgive me.

"Anyway, I'm sorry, but that just happens to be the way that I feel about it, what do you think?" Ryan swung his coffee mug as he talked.

"Huh?" Esposito looked up from his paperwork.

"You weren't listening were you?' Ryan slammed his mug down. "Dammit, Esposito. I sit here and pour my damn heart out and you just... no. You know what? Am I bovvered?

"What?"

"Am I bovvered though?" Ryan pointed at his face.

"What?"

"But am I bovvered though?"

"Huh?"

"Look at my face."

"Bro, I am."

"Look at my face."

"Bro!"

"Does my face look bovvered?"

"Dude, you've lost it."

"Are you disrespecting me?"

"Wha-"

"Are you disrespecting me, though?"

Esposito blinked, and tried to roll away from Ryan.

"Are you calling my Jenny a muppet?"

Wha... no."

"Are you calling my Lily a tea-swilling pirate?"

"Bro..."

"But she ain't even a tea-swilling pirate, though!"

"I'm just gonna..."

"Face. Bovvered. Look at it." Esposito stared on in horror as Ryan continued, "Look at it, Esposito. Look at it. Look. Look. Bovvered. Face. Bovvered. I ain't even bovvered. I ain't bovvered. Look. Face. Bovvered. Bovvered. Face. Bovvered. I ain't bovvered. Esposito, I'm not bovvered. Face. Bovvered. I ain't even bovvered. Face. Bovvered. Muppets. Pirates." Ryan stopped and took a deep breath, and he punctuated each of his final words with an exaggerated poke at his face, "I. Ain't. BOVVERED!"

Esposito took off across the precinct nearly plowing through Beckett along the way.

"Watch it!" Beckett yelled after him.

"What's going in here?" Castle asked as he swung around the corner with their coffees.

"Castle... Why is there a cow in my interrogation room?" Beckett turned her head sideways to peer at the cow.

"Oh... that's just Gene."

"That doesn't explain why there is a cow in my interrogation room," she replied snatching her coffee away.

Karpowski chased a skinny man past them. "Stop or I'll kick you in the testicles!"

The man froze as he doubled back and caught site of Beckett, "Simone? Simone! It's me! It's Flynn!"

Beckett side jumped as he lunged at her with his lips puckered up. Castle threw an arm out and sent the Librarian reeling.

"Castle, I humbly request the highest of fives for that." Karpowski bowed deepy and held her hand up high.

"I need to... over there," Beckett stammered before taking off to the women's rest room. She pulled the door open and stepped in without even looking. The vortex inside immediately sucked her up and spit her out into Castle's bed... naked. She quickly scrambled under the blanket and wrapped it around herself. "ALEXANDER!" The closet door flew open and spit her clothes out. She quickly dressed and made her way back over to the closet, she put on her interrogation voice, "Take me back to the precinct now." The door gently swung open and she stepped in. She arrived back in the women's rest room.

"Beckett!" Castle yelled from the other side of the door, where he was pounding quite hard on it, "Beckett! Are you okay in there? You've been gone a while!"

She pulled the door open and he fell in. Alexander sucked them both in and spit them out in Beckett's bed. Castle landed on top.

"I think your closet is trying to tell us something."

"Shut up, Castle. Get off of me."

"I kind of like it here."

"Ugh," she groaned as she ninja-flipped him off of her.

"That was hot."

"You're a creeper, you know that?"

"I don't know what that means."

She smacked him in the face with the pillow.