Second Megamind oneshot. This one blatantly pokes fun at stereotypical sidekicks. Beware of vague Batman references, and prepubescent tears.

Megamind is not mine. Forsrs.

"Time out!" The lair rang with the command and Metroman lowered his fists with a furrowed brow.

"No. No way!" Megamind howled, pointing a finger wildly to Metroman's right hand side. His eyes were wide with outrage as he continued to villainously gesture. "What is that? You can't just… It's not… Ohhhh, you fiend!"

The defender of the city raised his hands in his own defense while Megamind continued to snarl, circling behind Roxanne's chair like an aggravated panther. "Whoa, what? What?" He looked at the trapped reporter, but her expression was just as bewildered and outraged as her captor. Well… okay, apparently he was in the wrong here, somehow!

"That!" Megamind screeched. "How am I supposed to fire my Death Ray at you with that?"

"What?"

"Him!" Roxanne pointed out bluntly. "The nine year old behind your cape? Come on, we're not blind." As she gestured, the kid poked his head around the hero to get a better look at the situation.

"Oh!" Metroman grinned and let out an easy laugh, side stepping to give the kid his moment in the limelight. "This is… Metroboy!" The blond child looked up a bit dumbly at first, but then struck a pose almost identical to his adult companion and pointed dramatically at Megamind.

"Evil will never win!" He cried – or rather, squeaked – valiantly.

Megamind shot his rival a deadpanned look lined with fierce aggravation. "Oh good. He's almost as cliché as you are!" He propped a fist on his hips and leaned against the back of Roxanne's chair with an expression that wouldn't have been out of place at a business meeting. "Look Metroman, this just isn't going to work. I can't battle you properly if I have to watch out for a small person getting under my robots' feet!"

"Besides," Roxannie surprisingly agreed, "I think this is breaking about seventy child protection laws. You can't drag a child into this sort of fight. It's inhumane."

Metroman's face fell momentarily and he waved his arms. "Wait! Wait! Guys, come on. Check this out. Check it out." He shot Metroboy a wink and the kid sprang into action. Bounding around using various cables and lengths of menacing chain, it turned out that Metroboy was an accomplished gymnast… for a kid. At last, his foot collided with Minion's reinforced glass head, and Metroboy toppled over anticlimactically while the fish rubbed away the dirt he had left.

Roxanne and Megamind turned unimpressed gazes back to Metroman, who was beginning to look minutely embarrassed. "Okay, he needs a bit of work. But c'mon! He comes with his own costume! Look at it; you gotta admit it's pretty cute, right?" Waving the dazed preteen back over, Metroman spun him around, showing off the suit that was, more or less, a miniature of his own.

"He may be rather adorable," Megamind conceded heatedly. "But he's still useless! He didn't even budge Minion!" The alien stalked over to his faithful fish and suddenly shoved his dome aquarium of a helmet. Immediately, Minion yelped and put a foot back to catch himself. "I can even move Minion."

Metroman pursed his lips. "Yeah but Blackmask – you know, the guy in New York? – he said it was the best idea he ever ha-"

"Wait, do you mean the idiot that spends his days whining about how much he hates his life?" Roxanne interrupted. "Did you know he narrates himself? I had to interview him before you two took over my career, and he was all 'I stared at the reporter and debated revealing my true identity, however I realized she was not to be trusted. She could be one of the Mime's followers'. It was insane, I didn't get anything useful out of him." She stared at Metroman with a gaze that could cut through diamonds.

Megamind shot a hand in the air, like an eager student with a question. "And last time I checked, he was on sidekick number seventy-nine! Oh yes, they all died horrible, grisly deaths. I recall at one point one was beaten to death with a crowbar."

"You mean a hammer." Roxanne corrected.

"Right!" Megamind snapped irritably. "Potato tomato. What's the difference?"

"Well, about two feet of iron, usually."

"Ah yes, Miss Ritchi. Next time I need help differentiating between tools, I'll be sure to give you a call."

"I'm afraid you need more help than anyone can give, Megamind."

"Har har har, very cute Miss Ritchi. Minion, did you stamp her frequent kidnapping card?"

"I sure did, Sir." The fish seemed happy to finally have a part in the proceedings, which were taking much longer than usual.

"I see. Anyway, Metroman, as I said, I—what is it doing?" Megamind cut himself off, staring at the small human in mounting horror as the creature leaked precipitation from its very eyes, and began to make a collection of worrying noises. "What—Minion, what is it doing?"

"I believe it's crying, Sir."

"That's disgusting. Metroman, make it stop."

The hero, however, was staring somewhat awkwardly at his new sidekick as his hysterics grew, shifting from foot to foot with an expression of utter discomfort. "Hey there, little pal. It's… okay?"

Metroboy, however, was not consoled. "I-I-I'm gonna die!" He sobbed.

Roxanne rolled her eyes dramatically at the perfectly masculine approach the two rivals were taking with this. Seriously. Alien or not, men couldn't be trusted with anything emotional. "Okay. Minion, go make some hot chocolate." Taking charge in the situation, she admitted to being a bit surprised when the fish immediately trotted off with a worried glance back as he went. "Megamind, untie me. Right now."

The villain gawked at her shamelessly. "I don't think you're in the position to make demands." He argued, folding his arms.

"Would you prefer this?" She had to call over the increasingly loud wails of the pre-pubescent hero-in-training. After a moment of thought, Megamind seemed to yield to her argument and moved forward cautiously.

He untied the ropes deftly and backed up again, watching her awkwardly. "If you try to run…"

She shrugged to regain some feeling in her limbs and held out her arms in the universally accepted comforting position. Like magic, the child seemed to gravitate closer until he was sobbing into the front of her sweater, by which point Megamind and Metroman were standing by in manly awe at the art of feminine ingenuity.

"How'd she do that?" The hero murmured out of the corner of his mouth, leaning down towards his arch nemesis.

"Female mind control, obviously. Witch." Megamind grumbled back, looking entirely disgusted by the event unfolding.

Roxanne, naturally, was displaying complete sympathy towards Metroboy, who wasn't speaking in any language known to the human race. Between patting his back and nodding, she gathered the general idea that he was supposed to be home for supper, Metroman hadn't told him they would be flying, and apparently Megamind was much scarier in person that she had ever been aware.

"Nobody t-to-told me I was gonna die." He whimpered.

She tutted dismissively. "You're not going to die. Trust me. Megamind couldn't kill a fly if he set all seventeen of his death rays on it."

"Hey!" The alien exclaimed. "I think you forget my fly bombs!"

"Oh, I remember those!" Metroman commented. "Not bad. You did blow up a puppy, you villain!"

"First of all, not helping. Second, I seem to remember a certain supervillain who will remain unnamed being a little upset about the puppy thing." Roxanne snapped, glancing at Minion, who had just sidled back in with a tray of cocoa. Taking one of the steaming mugs, she held it up for the kid. "What I meant was, after all this time what's the worst you've done? Hit someone with debris and called off the whole battle so Metroman could take them to a hospital?"

Megamind looked remotely sheepish. "How am I supposed to enslave the population if they're all dead? It's completely de-try-mental to my evil cause."

Roxanne sighed loudly. "Anyway, who says you have to be a sidekick? Metroman won't be upset if it's not for you."

This time, it was the superpowered hero that looked somewhat irked. "Aw come on, I made him the suit!" No one seemed to realize how hard it was to get superhero-wear nowadays. "He knows my secret identity!"

Megamind massaged his cranium with a gloved hand. "We all know your secret identity, Wayne." He pointed out. "You're horrible at keeping secrets anyway."

"Yeah… okay, fine." Metroman sighed, sipping his own cocoa. "I thought it was a cool idea." He took another gulp. "This is good, Minion. Is that caramel?"

"And just a bit of cinnamon!" The fish confessed happily. "I thought the occasion called for it. I got it from Martha Stewart, I can get you the recipe if you—"

"Minion! Granted, this battle has taken a rather unexpected turn," Megamind scowled at the leaky small human. "But we are still the villains here. We don't pass out our reck-ipes."

"Recipes." The entire gathered company corrected.

"Oh what ever."

Metroboy seemed at last to have some control of himself, and blinked a bit owlishly around. "Would you feel better if you introduced yourself?" Roxanne ventured. That was how they did it in school, right? She didn't have a lot of experience to rely on here.

He stood up then, and looked at the four of them. "My-name-is-Freddy-an'-I'm-ten-an'-I-really-like-Metroman-an'-I-thought-Megamind-was-evil-but-I-like-hot-chocolate!" He said in one breath, turning a brilliant shade of red that did nothing to flatter his bleached hair.

"I'm Roxanne and I'm twenty-seven. I like hot chocolate too, Freddy." She gave him her most winning reporter smile and glanced at Metroman with a narrowed gaze that screamed 'play along if you want my respect'.

Taking his renowned hero stance, Metroman thrust out his chest. "I'm Metro- okay, okay. I'm Wayne and I'm twenty-nine and I like justice! And hot chocolate." He raised his mug cheerily and managed to pull off a wink at their young companion.

Minion bounced on his heels excitedly. "Oh! Oh! Me next, me next! I'm Minion, and I'm…" He stopped and tapped his bubble thoughtfully. "Thirty-one, in human years? I like making hot chocolate." He grinned widely, apparently enamored that everyone appeared to have enjoyed the treat.

Four sets of eyes moved to settle on Megamind, who scowled back at them all. "No way. I refuse." He hid the blooming violet flush on his cheeks with his mug stubbornly. "No! No, Minion, don't you dare use—agh! I hate the fish face!" He seemed to visibly wobble before the might of Minion's heart-breaking stare. "Fine."

He appropriately assumed his villainous anti-hero pose. "I am Megamind: incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy!" Oh, that sounded good. He was going to have to use that again sometime. "…I suppose hot chocolate is okay."

"There, feel a bit better now?" Roxanne patted Freddy's shoulder and the boy nodded, staring at his feet. "You wanna go home?" She pressed.

"Yeah, kinda." He whined.

The room's gaze went back to Metroman, and he shifted on his feet. "Okay then. Well… uh… I guess I'd better bring you home, hey little buddy?" He looked at Roxanne and then Megamind. "Maybe we could reschedule… I think the mood's pretty much dead, if you get my drift."

Megamind scoffed. "I don't know what mood you're talking about, but I can't even remember what my evil plan was now. Thanks to you." He glared at Freddy, who was now on Metroman's back, holding on for dear life as they began to float.

"Later." The hero disappeared then, taking the small human with him, and an awkward silence fell over the lair.

Roxanne stretched. "That was surprisingly nice of you. I think your soft spot is showing." She commented lightly.

He scoffed loudly and looked away pointedly. "Don't be a sap, Miss Ritchi. Children have no place in my plans. That's all." He whipped away and his cape followed him dramatically. "Minion, if you please."

A cloud of gas hit her face before Roxanne could think of a retort, and the world went black.

A week later, Megamind's seventeenth death ray failed. Just like every other one.