Shepard hunched over her desk and scrolled through her mail without really seeing it. She had no idea how to stop Sovereign, and if she didn't figure something out they were royally screwed. She wished she could talk to Kaidan, but that would be dangerous. Any alone time with him could result in her breaking down and confessing that she loved him. It wouldn't be fair to Kaidan to dump all her emotions on him the night before a crucial battle.

On the other hand, seeing as they might die soon, why not lay her feelings on the line? There was a chance he might love her back. It might not be likely, in light of her war criminal past, but it was still possible. Right?

Snap out of it, she told herself. If you really loved him you'd let him go. Give him a chance to meet someone clean and whole, who hasn't killed innocent people. Let him find someone who can give him a normal life.

Just the thought of it made her feel like a rusty knife was being dragged through her chest.

She gritted her teeth. If these were going to be her final hours, she sure as hell wasn't going to spend them wallowing in self-pity in her office. Better to do the rounds of the ship. She marched over to the door and nearly ran into Kaidan. Shit.Fortunately, all the years of suppressing her feelings didn't desert her.

"Come in," she said brightly. "I'm feeling much better. Stim-free." She walked back to her desk and casually leant on the edge, trying to look as though she hadn't a care in the world.

"Glad to hear it, Ma'am. I was worried about you." Her traitorous heart was instantly glad to hear of his concern, but she nipped the feeling in the bud. Don't let emotions get into this. Keep it light.

"My rash is fading," she babbled. "It's a pity, it was useful for scaring people. I looked like a walking bioweapon."

He ran a critical medic's eye over the fading redness, and gently ran a fingertip along her cheek. Shepard told herself he was just checking for rough patches, or some other rash-related thing, but she couldn't suppress a shiver at his warm touch. She dragged in an unsteady breath.

"This rash can't have been a stim side effect because it's only on one cheek," he said, clearly unaware of her reaction to him. "I can't figure it out."

"I got splashed with krogan blood and vomit on that side of my face," she explained. "Apparently it's a bad chemical mix."

He looked stunned. "How did you get krogan vomiton you?"

She waved a hand dismissively. "I kicked one of those tank-grown things in the guts and he lost his lunch, and some of it landed on my cheek. The toxic combo of krogan blood and puke gave me a case of hives. I have decided," she added, "to call it 'krives'."

"Krives?" The corner of his mouth twitched. "Interesting name."

"It was about time someone thought of a name for it. Up until now, krive-afflicted persons were forced to suffer in silence. Now they can hold their heads up high. Oh, don't laugh. I am proud to be a poster child for krives, and I always—"

"There's a cream that'll get rid of it."

"What? Where?"

He retrieved it from the medicine cabinet, and she had the cap off in a nanosecond. Kaidan folded his arms and smiled. "What happened to being proud of your krives?"

"Huh? Oh to hell with that. That rash was damn itchy."

*******************
Shepard was surprisingly upbeat considering they had just stolen the Normandy and were about to take on a reaper with no backup. Kaidan wondered if the Commander had stopped to think about how much trouble they were in.

"Have you thought about what happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied. That's very serious."

Shepard shrugged and put the tube back in the cabinet. "Perhaps the judiciary will go easy on us," she said hopefully. "You know, because of our sterling military records."

"We did steal the Normandy," he reminded her.

She looked offended. "We borrowed it. We'll give it back."

"Technically we also kidnapped all the crew," he pointed out.

"Bah, they won't press charges."

"And last week you landed on a prohibited sanctuary planet and drove the mako over a large endangered beetle."

"There's no proof I did that, nor that I enjoyed it immensely. Anyway, I just wanted to see what kind of a crunch it made. It was an awesome crunch, you have to admit that. Equivalent to 10 megatons of corn chips."

He chuckled. "I won't tell the judiciary."

She grinned. "Your silence is appreciated." She turned to her desk and picked up what looked like a silicon chip. "There's something I want to show you," she said, and tossed it to him.

He caught it. It was a bio amp, an older model.

"It's my old Kassa amp," she explained. "I downgraded again. No more exploding."

"That's wonderful," he said, and meant it. "Do you feel OK?"

"Downgrading isn't a joyride but it's not so terrible. The hardest thing was persuading the vendor to sell it to me. He was the same guy who sold me your Savant X, and he just about cried at the idea of selling me a feeble Solaris IV. He couldn't have been more horrified if I'd asked him to sell me a dead rat." She took the old amp back from Kaidan and tossed it into the trash. "Anyway, now you can stop worrying about me exploding, and focus all your attention on hurling dark energy at anything that moves. Max out that Savant like I know you can."

He didn't reply immediately and Shepard gave him a quizzical look. "Is there a problem?"

"No. This is just the first time you've ever mentioned my biotics."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "I didn't think you needed affirmation. Don't get me wrong, you're the best non-blue biotic I've ever seen—"

"It's OK, I've never wanted affirmation. It's just... I never told you this, but you're the first human I've met who hasn't seen me as a biotic first and a person second. People are either put off by the biotic thing or in awe of it. Even other biotics are preoccupied with the fact that I'm an L2. Some are worried I'm unstable, or else they are fixated on how high I spike or how hard I can throw."

"They're idiots, don't let it get to you.

" "I don't. I don't blame them or resent them for seeing me that way. I'm a freak of nature and I know it. But you treat me differently from the rest, as though I'm a regular guy."

Shepard blushed and looked at her feet. "It's no big deal, so do Garrus and Tali and–"

"They're aliens, it's different. Shepard, you're the first person to make me feel… human."

Shepard did her damndest not to melt into a puddle. "Happy to help," she said, brightly. "Maybe you should do another stint with the Normandy when the mission is over. The crew and I wilI keep you feeling human." She was talking faster, using the sound of her own voice to distract her.

He put his head on one side and stared at her silently for a long moment. "Does that you won't be taking a long-term Spectre assignment in the Terminus?"

She kept her gaze firmly on the floor. "Correct. I've decided to stick with Alliance missions."

"Why the change of heart?"

Why indeed? Deep down she knew the real reason: if his life was ever in grave danger she wanted to be able to come to his aid, and for that she needed Alliance communications access. There was no way she was going to work undercover in a remote pirate bolt-hole if that meant not knowing where he was – but she could hardly tell him so.

She shrugged. "I'm not needed to hunt pirates in the Terminus. All the Council has to do is put out rewards for information leading to pirate arrests, and the whole pirate problem will be solved."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at this vast oversimplification of the war on organised crime, but he didn't argue the point.

"So why did you come to visit me?" she asked. "I hope you don't want to talk tactics because I haven't come up with anything. Well, aside from plugging Sovereign's exhaust outlet with the galaxy's largest potato."

"Actually, Ma'am, I was hoping we could talk about us."

"Us?"she squeaked. She cleared her throat. "There's an 'us'?"

"You tell me." She started to back away but he held her gaze.

She opened her mouth to lie, but the words wouldn't come. The idea of taking the choice away from him, which had earlier seemed so noble, now seemed deceitful. He had a right to decide for himself.

"I... want there to be an us," she admitted. "When you told me you were arming that bomb, I realised I lov—" She caught herself but it was too late; one look at his amazed expression revealed he knew what she had started to say. "I realised I couldn't leave you behind," she went on, hastily. "But being with me is not what's best for you."

"Why?"

"I'm not the person you thought I was. You know what I did on Torfan..."

"Shepard, listen to me. It's not what you've done that matters, it's who you arethat counts."

He reached out and cupped her face in his hands. "I said I loved you on Feros, and I still do."

He kissed her. Gentle and tender, a silent request for her to trust him. His hands stroked over her skin, calm and sure, and peace soaked into her.

Filled with a dazed joy – so thatwas what he had whispered to her on Feros – she took his hand and walked backwards to the bed, pulling him after her. When the backs of her knees hit the edge of the bed, she stopped. She had to give him one last way out.

"Are you sure you want a future with me?" she asked, searching his eyes for any hint of hesitation. "I don't know what I've ever done for you besides cause you aggravation." "If I told you everything you've done for me we'd miss the Ilos drop."

He smiled and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "And I could well ask you the same thing: apart from being aggravating, what have I ever done for you?" He was smiling, teasing, but she took his question seriously.

"It's hard to explain," she said, looking at him speculatively. "When I look at you I see everything I've lost. And that's a lot. I had lost almost everything... until I met you." She frowned. "I'm not making much sense, am I?"

His forehead creased in concern. "I think I know what you mean."

"Let me put it this way: do you remember that lake of guilt and despair I've been drowning in? My plans to throw my life away in a blaze of glory?"

He nodded, and his grip on her tightened. She smoothed his worry lines with her fingertips, and smiled.

"Well," she said, "you saved me."

The end! Did you like the story? Dislike it? Not sure? Whatever your feelings, I'd love it if you could submit a review to let me know what you think. :)

Kaidan and Shepard's story continues in my second fic 'So Close', set in ME2.