GENRE: Modern AU, Humour, Romance
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

SUMMARY: All Arthur wants is to buy a bloody drink. But Merlin Emrys (officially the worst shop assistant in the world) seems to be doing everything in his power to stop him from doing just that. And Arthur is not amused. ONE-SHOT

A/N This is the first of loads of Merlin writing that I did on my LJ account - so I finally decided to upload it to this account.

NOTE: This is set in the UK (because, well, that's where I am) so for anyone who is not familiar, the legal drinking age is 18.

When You Can't Get The Staff

"I'll have a 250ml bottle of Smirnoff vodka," Arthur proclaimed, stalking up to the shopping counter and cocking his hip.

The shop worker, who had evidently not even realised he was there, glanced up and regarded Arthur with an insultingly blank expression, as though he'd just dropped out the sky. He was blinking in bemused surprise, headphones dangling from his ears, mouth hanging open, and as far as Arthur was concerned, looking perfectly ridiculous.

He was only young, perhaps no more than eighteen, with a stock of messy black hair and wide inquisitive eyes. From what Arthur could see of his body, he was tall and thin, all sharp angles and hard lines, contrasting strikingly with the soft paleness of his skin.

If he hadn't appeared to be such a simpleton, Arthur might have even found him attractive.

"I'll have a 250ml bottle of Smirnoff vodka," the blond repeated pointedly, jabbing his finger over the boy's shoulder, where all of the alcohol beverages were stocked behind the counter.

"What?" the shop worker cried, far louder than was entirely necessary.

Arthur sighed, loud and long-suffering. "V-O-D-K-A!" he spelled out, with all the incredulousness he could muster. However, after the boy's continued stare of incomprehension, Arthur scoffed disgustedly and decided to give up all pretence of politeness. "For fucks sake," he cried, gesturing at his ears, "take out your headphones!"

The boy blinked at him some more, before starting, evidently realising what Arthur was trying to say. He plucked the headphones from his rather over-large ears and shrugged sheepishly, cheeks flushing a soft rosy pink, giving the blond a small hesitant smile. "Sorry," he chuckled, apparently not noticing Arthur's death glares of doom. "On another planet."

Arthur crossed his arms and scowled, thoroughly unimpressed by the explanation. He was an important person - he had places to go, people to see. "250ml Smirnoff vodka," he said for what felt like the millionth time, voice hard and clipped.

The boy - or Merlin, as his name tag called him - frowned at his words, looking startled.

"Well," Arthur prompted, when the shop assistant didn't move, and only continued to stare bemusedly, "sometime soon would be nice."

Taken aback by the rudeness, the boy's face hardened, eyebrows creasing into a long harsh line. He stiffened and drew himself up to his full height, meeting Arthur's glare head on. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, sounding strangely polite, "but do you have any identification on you?"

It was Arthur's turn to blink in incomprehension. "Um, what?" he yelped, voice coming out much higher pitched than he'd intended. "I'm twenty!"

"Anyone who looks under the age of twenty-one must present identification proving that they are over the age of eighteen," Merlin recited, sounding bored and just a little bit smug. He stabbed his finger in the direction of a sign of the other side of the counter, which pretty much outlined what he'd said, in bold black lettering.

"But…" Arthur spluttered, unable to believe it. He was above the legal drinking age by a whole two years, and it was his right to buy as much alcohol as he bloody well pleased. "I'm twenty!"

"Store policy," Merlin explained, shrugging his shoulders and putting his headphones back in.

"Hey!" the blond cried, insulted by the obvious dismissal. He was a customer god-dammit, and customers were always right. "I haven't finished talking to you!"

The boy glanced back at him and sighed loudly, removing his ear-buds with a quiet pop. "Was there something else I can do for you, sir?" he asked, drawing out the words slowly, sounding faintly sarcastic. Arthur was fairly sure the word 'sir' was not supposed to sound so insulting.

"I need ID?" the blond clarified, noting Merlin's quick incline of the head. "Then you'll have to serve me?"

Merlin looked vaguely disappointed by the suggestion but shrugged helplessly, nose crinkling. "I suppose," he admitted, sounding reluctant.

"Then I'll be back," Arthur proclaimed, throwing the boy one last glare and turning on a heel, striding determinedly from the shop.

One hour later, Arthur marched back in, haughty, indigent, and clutching his driving license.

He stalked straight up to the counter, where an old lady had just finished packing her bags, and slammed his ID onto the surface.

Merlin jumped and looked up, staring at the blond with wide-eyed surprise. "You came back," he stated, clearly pointing out the obvious.

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Obviously," he quipped, as the shop worker flushed with embarrassment. It was a fairly amusing sight, watching the blush creep outwards, over his cheek and into his hair, until even his ears went red. "Why? Did you not think I was going to?"

"Um…no…" Merlin replied, looking flummoxed. "I didn't think you'd bother."

"Well, surprise!" the blond cried, all false cheer and fake smiles. He pointed a finger at his ID, smile fading, and nudged it in the direction of the shop assistant. "I was never one to give up easily," he added, throwing Merlin a superior glance and feeling quite proud of himself.

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" the shop worker mused, shaking his head. With a defeated sigh, he picked up his driving license and inspected it, reading his name off the basic information with a questioning glance. He breathed, "Arthur, Arthur Pendragon," in a questioning sigh, soft, slow and quiet, more to himself than the blond, as though testing the words out on his tongue.

"Heard of me?" Arthur asked, straight-backed and proud, eager to get the conversation back on more comfortable ground.

"Unfortunately," Merlin replied with a smirk, fingers lingering over Arthur's hand as he passed back the ID. "Son of Uther Pendragon, CEO of Camelot Enterprises."

The blond grinned smugly, flashing his shiny white teeth. "Bingo!"

"Rich, arrogant and completely insufferable," Merlin continued, smiling right back at him.

Arthur blinked for a moment, before collecting himself, lips curling into what he hoped was a rather malicious smile. "Only in the presence of shop assistants who are rude, unhelpful and completely useless," he replied cheerily.

Merlin glared.

"I'll have a 250ml bottle of Smirnoff vodka," Arthur said in the same jolly tone, revelling in the shop worker's sudden silence and his own small victory. "And as my ID does state I'm over the age of 18, you have to serve me."

Merlin grumbled quietly under his breath, but did as Arthur requested, reaching behind him to pull the vodka off the top shelf of goods. He thumped it onto the counter without flourish, looking ridiculously like a dejected sulking teenager, complete with sad round eyes and red pouting lips.

He looked so pathetic Arthur might have even felt sorry for him, if he hadn't just called him 'rich, arrogant and completely insufferable'. Not that it wasn't all true, but only his step-sister Morgana was allowed to say it to his face.

"What's the magic word?" the shop assistant asked, when Arthur attempted to reach over the counter and snatch the vodka from his grasp.

"Um, give me it…now," the blond said pointedly, leaning so far over the surface trying to clutch the bottle, that for one brief moment, he thought he was going to land head first in Merlin's lap.

The shop assistant had evidently realised the same thing. He laughed delightedly and waved the vodka out of Arthur's grasp, eyes twinkling in amusement. "That's not even close," he informed him, grinning in a way that made him look even more idiotic. "The magic word is please."

"Now!" Arthur cried stubbornly, choosing to completely ignore him, as was custom when he heard something that he didn't like.

However, before Merlin could reply, in what would no doubt be a very unprofessional manner, another voice joined the fray, loud, authoritative, and just a little bit scary.

"HEY!" cried the new voice, causing Arthur to jump in surprise and smack his knee against the counter. He and Merlin leapt apart, both looking more than a little bit guilty, with the bottle of vodka still clasped in the shop assistant's hand.

An old man emerged from the back room, hands on hips and eyebrow travelling further up his forehead. "What's going on here?"

"Nothing, Gaius," Merlin said hastily, wilting under the man's withering glare. "I'm just serving customers." He gave Arthur an affectionate pat on the arm, grin wider than the Grand Canyon and faker than Morgana's breasts.

Gaius - who Arthur assumed to be the boss - gave Merlin another searching look, before turning to the blond, nodding his hand in the dark-haired man's direction. "I'm sorry sir, was he being inappropriate?" he asked, smiling apologetically.

"Um," Arthur mumbled, slightly thrown by the questioning. He watched Merlin shrink in horror out the corner of his eye, and found himself replying, "No, not at all. We were just messing around."

Both Gaius and Merlin blinked at him in confusion, before the shop assistant broke into a happy grin, looking surprisingly thankful and incredibly relieved.

"Oh, well, he's new," Gaius explained, clapping the shop assistant on the shoulder and ignoring his blatant roll of the eyes. "He doesn't know better, you see." Merlin scowled. "How about you have that on the house?"

Arthur looked at the bottle of vodka still clasped in Merlin's hands and grinned, knowing victory was his. "Yes, that would be great. Thanks, sir."

Thanks to Gaius's pointed prodding, Merlin had no choice but to hand over the vodka with a somewhat sour expression, looking disgruntled. He smacked it into Arthur's palms, poked out his tongue with a devilish grin, and crossed his arms dejectedly, clearly ignoring the lethal glare his boss was sending him.

Arthur picked up his driving license, packed his bottle into a plastic bag and turned, throwing a smug, superior, and smirking, "Good day!" over his shoulder as he went.

He left the shop with a spring in his step, imagining Merlin's sulking face, and feeling really quite pleased with himself.

"I'll have a 250ml bottle of Smirnoff vodka, please," Arthur announced, one week later, after his previous bottle had been demolished at a house party.

The shop assistant - Merlin again - looked up from his crossword, mouth twisting in amusement. He had evidently recovered from their last, less than friendly, encounter. And he hadn't even been fired yet either.

He cocked his head to the side, put down his newspaper and licked his lips, as though preparing himself for another very unprofessional wrestling match. He even looked slightly different, with his hair tamed and hoodie cleaned, and less like a complete hobo.

Arthur noted that the change wasn't entirely unpleasant.

"I'm sorry, sir," Merlin beamed, flashing his dimples, "what was that?"

"250ml bottle of Smirnoff vodka," Arthur grumbled, for what had to be the 100th time in the period of a week. He feared he was starting to sound like an alcoholic, which was faintly ridiculous, when considering despite his best efforts, he'd only actually managed to buy one bottle.

"Magic word?" Merlin asked, with a somewhat cheeky grin.

Arthur scowled. "Please."

The shop assistant smiled so widely that Arthur could see to the back of his mouth, eyes twinkling merrily. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, sounding lofty and important, "but do you have any ID on you?" He waggled his finger in the direction of the warning sign, which clearly stated that anyone under the age of 21 would have to present identification.

Arthur's mouth dropped open. "Excuse me?" he said, only dimly aware that his voice sounded weirdly strained. He cleared his throat and tried again, his words suddenly increasing in volume by several octaves. "You know I'm over eighteen, I showed you my ID last time!"

The boy - not man! - blinked innocently. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean," he informed Arthur cheerily, lips quirked up into what was masquerading as a helpful smile. Only his eyes gave him away, gleaming mischievously in the fluorescent light. That was the look, Arthur decided, of pure evil.

"I was in here before!" he snapped stubbornly, not one to give up easily, although he had a sinking feeling that the battle was already lost. "And you made me go get my driving license!"

"Did I?" Merlin asked, tapping his finger against his chin and pretending to look contemplative. "Maybe that was because you look under the age of 21."

Arthur ignored him. "I'm Arthur. Arthur Pendragon!"

"I'm sorry, sir," the shop assistant said again, sounding mournful, "but anyone under the age of 21 must present identification."

Arthur met Merlin's gaze head on, attempting to stare him out, but when the shop worker only blinked back at him bemusedly, he cursed, stomping his foot and crossing his arms.

Merlin grinned gleefully.

"I'll be back," Arthur proclaimed, marching back out the door and trying to stop himself cringing at his rather weak impression of The Terminator.

One hour later, he stomped back in, red faced and fuming, clutching his driving license in white-knuckled hands and getting a very strange feeling of déjà vu.

Merlin spotted him immediately, jerking up from his position sprawled over the counter and standing to attention, eyes dancing in excitement. He watched Arthur approach with an eager expression, cheeks flushed and hair mussed once more, looking every bit the useless shop assistant Arthur had come to know him as.

"I'll have a 250ml bottle of Smirnoff vodka, please," the blond said again, slapping his ID down onto the counter.

Merlin grinned, so bright and earnest, that Arthur felt his anger dissolve slightly at the sight. When the dark-haired looked at him with doe eyes and killer dimples, sort of like an adorable puppy, both cute and irritating, it made it almost impossible for him to cling to his annoyance. He wasn't completely heartless after all, just emotionally stunted, a trait Morgana always claimed he'd inherited from his father. He didn't mind though, he supposed he couldn't have it all; mounds of money, stunning good looks and a delightful sense of humour were more than enough for him.

Glancing up at him from under his eyelashes in a rather puppy-like way, Merlin actually did as he asked, reaching behind him to pull down the bottle of vodka and hand it over to Arthur. He did so without complaint, and without so much as glancing at the ID.

The blond suppressed his irritation and attempted to handle the situation with grace, dignity and maturity - qualities he'd never exactly been known for. Nevertheless he tried his best, passing over the money with what he hoped was a pleasant smile, rather than a stony grimace. He even waited patiently as Merlin scrabbled around with the coins, determinedly resisting the urge to look at his watch and tap the face pointedly.

Once the money was sorted, he slipped the bottle into a plastic bag and gathered his change, unable to stop himself throwing Merlin one more dirty look before turning towards the exit, ignoring the way the man's face crumpled slightly out the corner of his eye.

However, he was only half-way through the door when Merlin's voice floated back at him from the counter, stopping him in his footsteps.

"Wait!" the shop assistant cried, causing the blond to glance back at him. Merlin cringed slightly, taking a pause and looking hesitant, withering under Arthur's expectant gaze. "Um…." He dribbled off, the now familiar flush blooming over his cheeks and spreading towards his ears. "Aren't you going to say thank you?" he said at last, looking strangely embarrassed.

Arthur frowned in confusion, feeling thrown by the man's unusually bizarre behaviour. In his bewilderment he even did as Merlin asked, muttering a questioning, "Um, thanks?" in the shop assistant's direction.

Merlin winced and choked out, "No problem!" before ducking and disappearing behind the counter.

Arthur stayed stood frozen for a minute, wondering what the hell had just happened, before shrugging and departing the shop, chalking the whole thing down to Merlin's inherent weirdness.

The next day, Arthur was back, armed with Morgana's shopping list for party 'nibbles' and various alcoholic beverages.

"Oh," Merlin mouthed, as soon as Arthur approached him, looking up from his magazine and giving him a blinding smile. He'd apparently recovered from his previous bout of weirdness and was looking pleased to see the blond again, which if Arthur was honest, was really quite strange in itself. "It's you!"

"You remember me this time, then?" Arthur grumbled, narrowing his eyes.

The shop worker nodded, expression positively gleeful. "Yep!"

"Funny that," the blond said, without humour, only slightly sarcastic, "how convenient. You're just lucky I'm in a good mood today." He lifted up his basket full of 'nibbles' and placed it on the counter, resting his forearms upon its surface.

Merlin started lifting the items from the basket and beeping them through the till, head cocked curiously. "Why are you in a good mood?" he asked, looking genuinely interested.

Arthur blinked in surprise but replied regardless, giving the shop assistant a joking grin. "I'm on a post sex high, obviously," he informed him, in his most smug and superior voice.

Merlin dropped the crackers he was beeping through the till and winced, cheerful expression vanishing in the blink of an eye. He blushed in embarrassment, picked up the crackers and ignored Arthur completely, pretending to be solely focused on his work.

The blond frowned. He suddenly felt as though he'd said something terribly wrong, although he wasn't sure how or why he felt that way. Maybe Morgana was right about his complete hopelessness in ordinary everyday social situations; was making gags about sex not appropriate small talk? Arthur suddenly guessed not.

"That was a joke," he explained, wondering why he'd even bothered. If that was what he got for attempting to be nice, it was no wonder he didn't try it more often.

"Oh," Merlin mouthed, fumbling with a few boxes of chocolates, looking relieved, embarrassed and a little bit annoyed. "Ha ha," he added, mouth curving into a lopsided smile, which if Arthur didn't know better, looked slightly strained.

They stood in silence for a few minutes, the till going 'beep…beep…beep' in the background, until the blond could stand it no longer. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he found himself asking, the usual filter between his brain and mouth obviously failing him. "You're being even weirder than you were yesterday."

Merlin looked offended. "How do you know I'm not like this all the time?"

Arthur supposed that was a good point, but was too stubborn to say so. "Well, if that's true, then you're even stranger than I thought."

Beeping the last item through the till, Merlin cheered right back up and flashed him a smug smile, lifting his chin defiantly. "Better strange than an arrogant prat," he replied, looking quite pleased with himself.

"It's all part of the Pendragon charm," Arthur informed him, gathering the bags his shopping was packed in and pulling out Morgana's list. "I need drinks as well."

Merlin grinned, obviously delighted.

"But before you say anything," the blond muttered, seeing the direction Merlin's thoughts were taking him, "I've remembered my ID this time." He whipped out his driving license with an exaggerated flourish, waving it in front of the shop assistant's face with all the smugness he could muster. Which considering he was Arthur Pendragon, was an awful lot.

Merlin looked disappointed. "Oh. Well, what do you want then?"

Arthur glanced down at his list and reeled off his list of alcoholic drinks, clucking impatiently as Merlin fumbled around with the various bottles.

"Is that it?" Merlin asked, after the list was completed, wiping his brow and sounding a bit breathless, as though he'd just run a marathon rather than just collected a few drinks. He really didn't appear to be cut out for the whole working thing.

"I think so," Arthur mused, nodding at his bags. He gave Merlin a satisfied grin and clapped his hands together, readying his most snotty voice. "Well done for being almost helpful today," he congratulated. "Keep it up and I might die of shock."

The shop assistant beamed, bright and innocent. "If only," he quipped.

Arthur's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to leave before you ruin it," he announced, gathering his things and moving towards the exit. He was trying to be the 'bigger' man, just as his father always advised him to be; Morgana would be proud.

However, before he'd even moved two steps, Merlin's voice rang out through the shop, seemingly determined not to let Arthur leave without having the last laugh. "Wait!" he cried, puffing out his chest. The shop assistant picked up the magazine he'd been reading and waved it in the air, gesturing for Arthur to come closer. "You forgot this!"

"I didn't buy that," the blond pointed out.

The shop assistant smiled hesitantly, pressing the magazine into Arthur's hands. "It's on the house," he claimed, as though a magazine filled with articles about global warming was a truly marvellous gift.

Arthur blinked and shrugged his shoulders, feeling as though he was missing something. "Ok, thanks," he said, being much too nice to point out that he didn't even like nature magazines. But he took it anyway and strode towards the door, attempting to make an exit that would not be interrupted.

Merlin on the other hand, had other ideas. He called out, "Bye!" in his maddeningly cheerful voice, giving his arm a clumsy wave.

Arthur ignored him and walked out.

Standing confusedly in the middle of the street, the blond looked down at the magazine, with its pages creased and Merlin's curly writing scribbled all over it, wondering why on earth the shop assistant had given it to him. As a gesture of good-will? A gift of peace? A hint about Arthur's carbon footprint?

Or maybe because it had Merlin's phone number written across the top of it?

"Oh…" Arthur mouthed, staring down at the shop assistant's untidy scrawl. Yep, it definitely looked like a phone number. "Oh!"

He turned on a heel and headed back into the shop, marching straight up to the counter. Merlin was stood on the other side, biting his reddening lip, face creased in anxiousness.

"This is your phone number!" Arthur felt the need to point out, in case Merlin didn't know.

The shop assistant blinked. "Um, yes." He blinked again. "I know."

"You're giving me your phone number!" Arthur reiterated, wondering if Merlin was missing the point.

"Um, yes. I know."

"Er - what?" Arthur spluttered, as that had not been the answer he'd been expecting. He glanced from the magazine to the shop assistant in complete bewilderment, watching Merlin's face blush a brilliant red, comprehension slowly dawning. It seemed it had been him missing the point, not Merlin. "Do you…like me?"

"Well, I would have thought that was obvious," the shop assistant muttered, looking at the blond like he was mentally deficient.

Arthur frowned, feeling slightly defensive; he emotionally stunted, not mentally deficient, which were two entirely different things.

"What made you think -?" The blond broke off, unable to finish the sentence, completely nonplussed.

"Well…the flirting," Merlin replied, blinking back at him, sounding almost as confused as he did.

Arthur frowned, eyebrows creasing in bewilderment. Flirting? He didn't remember flirting? "What flirting?"

"The fight over the vodka, the banter…" At Arthur's continued look of incomprehension, Merlin dribbled off, dropping his gaze to the counter and looking utterly horrified. He snatched the magazine out of Arthur's hands and hurriedly backtracked, ears a shocking shade of scarlet. "You know what? Never mind," he laughed, sounding shrill. "I was obviously wrong."

"Wait," Arthur said, beginning to get hold of the conversation. "All of those insults and refusing to serve me without ID, that was flirting?"

Merlin, if it was possible, went even redder. "Not the first time," he admitted, steadfastly avoiding Arthur's eyes. "The first time was just because you were being rude. But then you came back and defending me to Gaius, and I thought…" He let the sentence hang, biting his lip. "Making you go and get your ID was the only way to make sure you came back. And then I tried to ask you out yesterday, but I chickened out."

"Oh," was all Arthur could say, things suddenly making a lot more sense. It certainly explained the blushes, teasing smiles and the effort Merlin made to actually brush his hair upon his second visit.

"Yeah, oh," Merlin replied, sounding miserable. "Did you really not know?"

Well, Arthur could safely say the answer to that was a resounding no.

"I'm emotionally stunted," he explained. He needed to say something in his own defence. It always worked on Morgana.

He just honestly couldn't believe he hadn't realised. He had girls throwing themselves at him all the time, but they tended to be a lot more obvious than Merlin, all fluttering eyelashes and swaying hips. Not cutting humour and biting insults. Or maybe he really did have his head too far up his own ass, just as Morgana always informed him. It was really something he was going to have to work on.

"So, you're not interested then?" Merlin summarised, still bright red but sounding resigned.

The blond paused for a moment, assessing the man in front of him. He wasn't so bad, Arthur supposed. A bit awkward, a bit geeky, but in a sort of adorable, endearing way. Like a puppy. A puppy with high cheekbones, sparkly eyes and smooth pale skin. No, Arthur supposed, he definitely wasn't so bad.

Which is the only explanation as to why Arthur suddenly found himself saying, "Me and my step-sister are having a party tonight. You should come."

The words came out of his mouth involuntarily, completely against all logic and common sense, but as soon Merlin lit up like a Christmas Tree, Arthur suddenly found that he didn't care.

"Really?" Merlin asked.

"Really," Arthur nodded.

-FIN-

A/N This is my first Merlin fic I've posted on here so I hope you like it! Please R&R :)